by Leah Matheny
Our baby. “Yes, I’d like to do that,” I said. But I still felt a tugging on my heart and wondered how he’d act toward the baby.
“Dani, I want to let you know that I need to leave very early tomorrow morning, actually in the middle of the night. I’m going out hunting with a few others. Let’s go talk to Mother so she can make plans to be with you while you’re sick.” He picked me up and walked toward Sitala’s.
“Honon, I’m not sick now. You don’t need to carry me.”
He smiled and gave me a quick kiss. “I’ll miss you tomorrow morning. I want as much of you as I can get right now.” We garnered quite a bit of attention. Papina ran up and wanted to know if I was hurt, and a lot of people stopped what they were doing to watch us. Even Helaku and some of her friends ran up asking if they could help. I kept apologizing to people while Honon walked on with a big grin on his face. We were almost to Sitala’s when she ran toward us asking what was wrong with me. We told her what we needed.
“Of course, I’ll help whenever you need me. Honon, come get me when you leave and I’ll head over then to be with Huyana.”
We had a quiet, romantic dinner by ourselves that night. We fed each other and ended up in bed before we finished eating. Later, as we lay exhausted in each other’s arms, I started thinking about Honon not believing me again. “Honon, I want to say that I’ve had the most wonderful time with you today, yesterday too. I can see what a great life we can have together, and…I love you...” I stalled.
“You sound like you want to say something more to me, something not good.”
“Well…you not believing me really hurts.” He started to interrupt me. “Please, let me say this. I know you said you wanted to forget about it, that you forgive me. But I feel if I accept that, and don’t say anything, it’s as if I was really guilty…and I’m not. You’re the only one I’ve made love with. This is your baby. I can’t have this wall, this lie between us. I don’t know how we can have a healthy, trusting love like this.”
Honon just sat looking at me with a blank face.
“Well?” I asked.
“Are you saying we can’t have a future unless I believe you?”
“No, well…how can we have a good relationship with a lie between us?” I held his face, trying to get him to understand me.
“A lie, yes, I see what you mean. How can there ever be trust?” Honon stood up and started gathering some of his things. “I must leave now. I need to prepare to go hunting. I need to think. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Honon, don’t leave like this. I don’t want you to misunderstand me.”
He stopped before leaving and returned to kiss my forehead. “I love you.” He turned and walked out.
What’ve I done?
Sitala was with me the next morning, Papina came by later with broth and she walked with me to take a bath. “Papina, I don’t know what to do. Honon still believes I was with others.”
“I don’t know. I think Muata convinced him nothing happened with you two. He knows I would chop his…well, he would be very sorry if he were to be with another woman,” Papina laughed. “Honon loves you. Just give him time.”
“It’s not as if I really have any other choice. Let’s go back, this pool isn’t quite warm enough to sit in a long time. I can’t wait to be able to go in the hot pool again.” As we were walking back I doubled over with a horrible pain in my lower abdomen. “The baby!”
I came to in someone’s arms; I was being carried and I wasn’t sure who had me. The pain was horrible. “My baby, noooo...” I was laid on my bed and people were around me talking. I couldn’t concentrate on anything but the pain and what was happening to me. When I felt a lot of wetness between my legs I knew it was blood, I knew it was my baby.
Later, after everyone was gone, Sitala held my head in her lap. She petted my head and sang to me, rocking me back and forth. I fell asleep.
I didn’t know what the time was when I woke up with Sitala lying next to me. She must’ve sensed me because she opened her eyes. “My baby’s gone?” I asked. She nodded her head. I cried and cried. She held me until I fell asleep again.
Chapter 12
It felt strange waking up and not feeling sick. At that moment, I would have given anything to be throwing up again. I wondered how Honon would take the news. He had never believed the baby was his anyway. Where is he? I looked all around the room. I didn’t remember seeing him the night before. At that moment, Papina walked in.
“Oh, you’re awake. How do you feel? I brought you some food. Do you want to eat now?”
“No, thank you. Where’s Honon?”
She looked around a little nervously. “Um…I think he’s still hunting.”
“Overnight? Is that normal? Can’t someone go get him?” I wanted him. I wanted to know at least that part of my life was okay.
“No, no one knows which direction he took. He should be back today. Come, eat, you need to strengthen your body after what it’s been through.” We ate and then I rested for a while.
Sitala showed up hours later with lunch. “Hi, Sitala, is Honon back yet?”
“No he’s not. Here, while you’re eating I’ll tell you a Miwok legend about the creation of man.” She sat back. “The Miwok believe that God is a coyote. After he made the world and filled it with animals, Coyote decided to make man. He gathered some of the animals together to discuss how man should be made. Each animal felt like man should be made like them, each listing their attributes and finding fault with the other’s suggestions. Finally, Coyote spoke and said he felt man should be a combination of each. Man should have a strong voice like the lion, but wouldn’t need to roar all the time. Man should have four legs like them, but the back feet should be like a bears so he could stand when he needed to. Like the fish, man shouldn’t be covered in fur because it was such a burden. His claws should be long like the eagles so he could grasp things. Man should be smart like Coyote. Other animals joined in with their opinions and they all ended up arguing. All the animals parted and set about making man in their own image, all except for Coyote who began making man like he suggested. All the other animals stopped working when they got tired and fell asleep, but Coyote continued working until he was finished. Then he destroyed what the other animals had been making. In the morning he gave his creation life, so man was created by Coyote.”
“Hmm, do the people here still believe that?” I asked.
“Just like outside, everyone here has different beliefs. Only a few older people still believe that way, most here are Christians. Some like to mix the two and believe God came down to earth as a coyote because He’s too glorious to come as Himself. We all respect each other’s views. All children are taught the Miwok history and legends.” Sitala stood up and gathered the empty plates. “Why don’t you rest some more, Sapata will come by later to bring you your dinner. Maybe tomorrow you can get up and we’ll go down to the pool.”
“Thank you, but shouldn’t Honon be back soon?”
She turned away from me. “Oh yes, he’ll be back soon. Bye now.”
I wondered if she was nervous about Honon’s reaction to me losing the baby. I was amazed to feel tired again, so I lay back down with thoughts of losing my and Honon’s baby, and cried myself to sleep.
I was awake again, trying not to think about my baby, when Sapata showed up with food--though I wasn’t that hungry. I was glad we’d become friends. She never did mention Matila when she was with me and I liked that she wasn’t a mean gossip.
“Here you go, I hope you like it, Huyana,” she said, handing me a bowl of meat and carrots.
“Thank you, I’m sure I will. Sapata, has anyone heard anything about Honon yet?”
She looked around nervously. “No…no, I don’t know anything. I have to go.” She practically ran out.
What’s going on? Is Honon hurt? I had to find out, so I quickly ate and walked to Sitala’s.
“Tune, what are you doing up? Come here and lie down.”
&n
bsp; “What’s going on with Honon? I know something’s wrong, I need to know.”
She was trying to get me to lie down. “Nothing’s wrong, he’ll be back by tomorrow.” But she looked guilty.
“No! Everyone’s acting strange. What aren’t you telling me?”
Wuyi walked in and stopped to look at us both. “Tell her. She deserves to know the truth,” he said before walking back out again.
My heart started racing. “What is it? Is he hurt?”
She closed her eyes and sat back with a sigh. “No, he’s not hurt. Kosumi came to talk to me while you were sleeping after losing the baby. Apparently, when Liwanu was carrying you to your koca, Honon returned and saw…and got the wrong impression. He went to Kosumi’s koca and took all of Kosumi’s winter clothing and supplies. He told Kosumi to take all of his supplies in trade, and that Kosumi should wait before he went over there, for you and your lover to, um…finish.”
I lay back down, shaking my head. “Not again…please, no.” I felt Sitala’s hand on my shoulder.
“Honon will be back, he’ll be back soon. A couple of men have been out looking for him and the guards on top are keeping their eyes out for him too. When we tell him what really happened, he’ll understand.”
I felt dead inside. “No. We’ll never work, he’ll never trust me. I’ve lost them both, Honon and our baby.” I got up to leave.
“Huyana, wait. You’re too weak. Let me get one of the men to carry you back.” Sitala rushed out ahead of me, calling out to the men nearby.
“No. I’m fine.” I got back to my koca and curled up in bed. I literally felt dead inside.
Sitala was shaking me. “Huyana, you need to wake up. Come on, you need to eat, it’s already after lunch.”
“No, lemme sleep,” I mumbled and rolled away from her.
Possibly days passed. Sometimes I ate food that people left for me, sometimes I threw up, and sometimes I went to the bathroom. I didn’t care about anything, I saw no reason to get up; everything had been taken from me. I wanted Karen and Tamara, I just wanted to sleep.
Sitala was shaking me again. “Huyana, Dani, wake up now. You can’t go on like this. I’ll have Kosumi throw you in the cold stream if you don’t get up. You’ve hardly eaten in a week. Do you want to die?”
“No, I’m fine…jus’ tired. Lemme sleep.” I rolled over. I could hear her talking to someone and I thought I heard Kosumi’s voice, which sounded too much like Honon’s. I couldn’t take it, so I covered my ears. Then I felt myself being picked up and taken outside. The bright sun hurt my eyes, so I buried my head under the blanket wrapped around me. I was too tired to care who had me, or what was happening. The sound of water splashing penetrated my fog right before I was set down in the middle of the cold stream, clothes, blanket, and all. That woke me up.
“Stop, leave me alone. What’re you doing?” I squealed and tried to get away, but Kosumi ripped the blanket away and threw it on some rocks close to Sitala. I tried crawling away.
“Sorry, little sister, you need a bath.” He started to take my clothes off and I heard Sitala.
“Here, give her clothes to me so I can wash them. Here’s some soap.”
I was struggling, but not very hard because I was so weak. “Sitala, how can you let him do this? I’m naked.”
“Nudity isn’t bad to us, remember?” Sitala was washing my clothes.
Kosumi sat on a rock with me in his lap. He started to soap my feet and legs. Naked was one thing, him touching me while I was naked was another. “Kosumi…stop it, I can do it.” I grabbed the soap from him, but as soon as I had the bar in my hands, it squeezed out into the water and started to float away. Kosumi grabbed it up and started washing me again.
I finally gave up and just sat there shivering. He washed me with no emotion or any of his usual jokes and then stood up with me in his arms, “Sorry about this.” When he put me back in the water to rinse me off, I just stiffened, I didn’t care anymore. He wrapped me in a clean blanket and sat me on his lap again so he could wash my hair. He held me backwards while Sitala rinsed my hair and put conditioner on it.
“Take her to the hot pool, Kosumi, that’ll warm her up.”
I shivered in his arms and buried my face in his chest so I couldn’t see anyone while he carried me. He took the blanket off me and carried me into the hot pool. We just sat on the ledge, with me on his lap, my head on his chest, and he sang. He had such a beautiful voice, a tenor. I think I may have dozed off. But I started to get too hot.
“Whew, I forgot how hot this pool is. You wouldn’t happen to have any mint and a tooth twig on you, would you?” I was starting to feel more human. Kosumi twisted around and handed both to me.
“Wonderful, thanks,” I smiled. “I’m sorry to be such a burden. I’m sure you don’t like playing nursemaid.” I began brushing my teeth and started to move off his lap, but he pulled me back on.
“No, I don’t mind playing nursemaid to you. But I think my brother would mind, very much.”
“Well, your brother isn’t here, is he. He’s made his choice, he no longer has a say in my life. He chose not to believe me, to not believe any of us.” When I thought about it some more, my anger came out in a little stubborn streak. “You know, he’s already condemned us for having sex…” I looked into his eyes and put my hand on his cheek.
I saw Kosumi’s eyes widen for a second. They looked like they had darkened as he leaned down and our lips touched. I could feel his hand around my waist while the other cupped my face. He turned his head and kissed me again, but soon stopped and looked at me, questioning. “Nothing, huh?”
I bit my bottom lip and shook my head, “Nope…nothing, sorry. And you?”
He smiled big and moved me off his lap. “No, nothing for me either. Too bad, you are a yummy little mamla.”
“A what?”
He laughed. “Mamla, blackberry, I just looove blackberries,” he said, licking his lips and wiggling his eyebrows. His shoulders lifted, “I guess I just schooled myself from the beginning that you were going to be my little sister. I’m too good of a student.” He turned his back to me and got out, putting his coat on. He held a dry blanket out for me. “Come on out. I’ll take you back home.”
Home. What a wonderful thought. “Can you, Kosumi? Can you take me back home, to my home? I can’t stay here. It hurts when I look at you and hear your voice, you’re too much like Honon.” He looked like I’d hit him, so I put my hand on his cheek to sooth my stinging words. “Every memory I’ll have here will be of him and the baby we lost. And what happens after he comes back? I can’t take his anger anymore, or his rejection.” I held tight to his arm and I looked him in his eyes, pleading.
He looked so sad. “I’m sorry, Falling Rain, we never let anyone return.”
I laid my head back on his shoulder. He had to have felt my tears as they dropped on his neck.
As Kosumi laid me back on the bed, Sitala showed up with more food. I had my back to them and could hear her and Kosumi. They sounded like they were arguing.
Sitala came to sit next to me. “Get up and eat now, tune.”
I just shook my head.
“If you don’t eat, I’ll have Kosumi hold you and we’ll force-feed you.”
I shook my head again. Kosumi came, sat by my head, and lifted me so I was sitting on his lap--still naked. “All right! Can you hand me my clothes, please?” I was trying to keep covered with the blanket, but Kosumi was sitting on part of it.
“No,” Sitala said as she started to put a spoonful of food in my mouth, “not until you finish eating.”
Kosumi leaned down by my ear. “If you keep this up, mamla, and I have to keep holding your sweet naked body, you might convince me to forget about my brother,” he chuckled softly.
I quickly looked at Sitala to see if she’d heard, but if she had she gave no indication. “Sitala, please let me go home. I can’t stay here. I don’t think I can survive here.”
She made a tsk-ing sound. “Do
n’t be so melodramatic, no one dies of a broken heart. We have many other men here and in time you’ll meet one. When you get married and have a baby, you’ll be happy.” She kept feeding me as she talked.
“Who would marry me? I bet all the men are afraid of Honon. I practically threw myself at Kosumi and even he’s afraid of Honon, plus…he thinks of me as a sister.” She quickly looked at Kosumi. I pulled out of his arms and rolled away. “Please, leave me alone. I can’t eat anymore.”
About another week had passed when Sitala returned with Kosumi again. “Huyana, you can’t keep this up. You need a bath. Kosumi can carry you down to the hot pool.”
“I’ve been eating, and I brush my teeth every day. I’m just tired and not feeling well. I threw up again yesterday.” I wouldn’t roll over to look at them.
“You’re not eating enough. You won’t eat enough for anyone but me. You need to get dressed, get up, and start living.” Sitala was pulling the blanket off me.
I grabbed it back. “No! Leave me alone. You control every aspect of my life. You force me to stay here. I will have this small bit of control. I’m fine, you can’t force me to get up,” I said harshly.
Kosumi lifted me up into his arms and I fought against him as he carried me to the cold stream again. “You said the hot pool!” I screamed.
“You’re the one who said you were so tired. We figured the colder water would help you wake up.” Kosumi was just as stone faced as Honon. He ripped the blanket off and dumped me in the middle of the stream, and when I tried to scramble away he jumped on me. We struggled and I tried to scratch and bite him. I ended up on my back, half out of the water, with Kosumi’s body completely covering mine. He had both my hands clasped into one of his above my head and he was holding my face in a tight grip with his other hand.
“Damn you, Honon, let me go,” I yelled.
Kosumi softened his grip on my face. “I’m not Honon. And if you keep squirming like that, I’ll forget he’s my brother and you’re my supposed to be my little sister. Not that he deserves you.” I could feel his desire for me start to grow and I opened my eyes, wide.