by Leah Matheny
“Kosumi…I’m sorry. No…I’m fine, you can get up. I’m sorry.”
Sitala cleared her throat, “Kosumi, I think she’s awake now. Why don’t you carry her to the hot pool now so she can bathe.”
He helped me stand up, grabbed the dirty blanket, wrapped it around me and picked me up to carry me. “I’m sorry, Kosumi.” He didn’t reply. He can be so much like Honon.
After Kosumi put me into the hot pool, he moved far to the other side. “I’m fine, you can leave me now.”
“No, we’ll stay. Kosumi will carry you back, you don’t have moccasins here.” Sitala didn’t look happy. She was biting her lip nervously. Half embarrassed and half angry, I washed myself under Kosumi’s and Sitala’s supervision.
“Sitala, I beg you to let me leave. I promise I’ll never tell about you, I wouldn’t endanger you like that. If you take me back I can pretend I have amnesia, no one will be able to question me. I promise…I’ll never betray you.” She wouldn’t answer me; she just started washing my hair.
The next day I started in on Sitala again. “Let me leave, please. I’ll run away. What’re you going to do, tie me up?”
Sitala sighed, “Honon will be back. All will be explained to him, and he’ll want you again.”
I stood up and started pacing. “But I don’t want him. I’m just supposed to be happy and wait for him to do this to me again? There can never be a future between us as long as he doesn’t trust me. Don’t you see that? Maybe I should let him tie me to the bed and he can keep guards posted outside our door. But no, he’d probably accuse me of screwing the guards! No! I refuse to live like this.”
I got up before the sun came out, put on warm clothing, and wrapped provisions in a blanket and in my backpack. I headed for the rock door and tried, but I couldn’t figure out how to open it.
“There’s a secret to opening it, you know.”
I spun around with a squeal. “Kosumi, you scared me to death! You can do this for me. Please, open the door.”
He just stood there frowning and held his hand out to me.
“No. I won’t go back.” I turned back to the rock and leaned against it, trying to push it open.
I felt him come up close behind me as he put his hands on my shoulders. “Huyana, I’d offer for you if I thought you might want me. I can make you happy.”
I turned around in his arms. “We tried that in the pool, remember? We didn’t feel…” He interrupted me with a kiss. He stopped to look at me; then he took hold of my head and turned it to the side, kissing me deeper. I didn’t move. Kosumi held me tighter, but all I could think about was kissing Honon and wishing it was his lips against mine. I pulled away, shaking my head.
“I’m sorry, Kosumi. I love Honon,” I sighed. “I don’t want him back because I know he’ll continue to hurt me, and there’s no way I can stay here and face him again. He’ll either ignore me again and that will break what’s left of my heart, or he’ll force me and bend me to his will again. I’ll never feel truly secure. I’ll wonder when he’ll get up and leave me again. You understand me don’t you?”
He began walking me back to my koca. “Yes, I do.” We walked silently for a while, then, “We could go away or stay in one of the caves at the far end of the village. We could stay away until you’re over Honon.” He looked so hopeful, and I felt horrible.
I just shook my head. “I’m sorry. I thought that day in the pool…I thought you didn’t feel anything?”
“I lied,” he said before he walked away.
The next night I tried again, but I took a different route. I tried to stay on dirt as long as I could, but the ground soon turned to sharp basalt. I didn’t let it stop me even when I felt some cut through my moccasins and my hands. Rock crumbled beneath me and my knees got cut. I was still far from the top when I saw a pair of moccasins in front of me and I looked up. Damn, I forgot about the guards. He reached down to grab me and threw me over his shoulder, made some type of bird call, and headed back down the mountainside. I didn’t struggle because I didn’t want him to fall. Once we reached my koca, he set me down in front of the door. I didn’t say a word; I just went inside and went to sleep.
I got up early to try again, but the guard was sitting there blocking me from leaving and I started to feel some of the panic I’d felt when I was first captured. Grabbing a knife and a bowl, I moved as far from the door as I could and started hacking at the dirt, using the bowl to scoop out the loose dirt. While I was working on my tunnel, I heard Honon’s voice. I screamed and turned around. Kosumi looked back and forth between my eyes and the knife.
“You don’t want to hurt me, do you? Put the knife down,” he said quietly.
I looked at the knife; I hadn’t realized I had it raised. I looked back at him. “You sounded just like Honon, I thought you were Honon. I have to leave. You know I can’t stay here.”
He sat down on his heels and held a hand out. “Huyana…give me the knife, then we’ll talk. Dani…”
I shook my head; I didn’t want him to stop me.
“Your hands are bloody, let me help you.”
I stood up and looked at my hands. Both were bloody, but they didn’t hurt. I looked back at Kosumi. “Move, get out of my way.” I started walking past him, but before I got to the door he tackled me and ripped the knife from my hand. All the fight in me left. I didn’t do anything when he picked me up and carried me to the bed; I didn’t want to fight him, it wasn’t his fault. He lay down beside me, cradling me, while tears rolled down my cheeks.
“Poor Huyana, I’ll forever think of you when I see rain.” He sighed, “I guess I’m not the one to help you forget Honon.” He sat up. “Let me go get my mother so she can clean your cuts.”
I grabbed his hand. “No, please. You can do it.”
“You also have cuts on your knees. I would have to take your pants off to help you and…I don’t think I’m strong enough for that right now.” He left.
Now Kosumi didn’t want to be around me. But I didn’t blame him, not if he had feelings for me. Part of me thought I could possibly live my life with Kosumi, he was good and kind, but not if Honon showed back up. I couldn’t hurt or use Kosumi that way.
Sitala showed up and I told her what I’d just been thinking. “And to pick another man would also hurt Kosumi.”
She agreed with me.
The next week dragged by. I ate as much as I could, even though my stomach was upset a lot. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, so I got food and made my own meals. Every day I took a bath; I didn’t want a repeat with Kosumi. Helaku came to spend a little of each day with me; she gave me joy without any demands, plus I didn’t have the heart to tell her I wanted to be alone. But mostly I slept. Several times I dreamed that Honon and I were happy with our baby, but then the dream would turn into a nightmare with him taking the baby and leaving me.
One morning Sitala came by with Kosumi and food for me to eat. “Let me guess, you think it’s time for me to have a bath again? Well, I’ve been taking them on my own.”
Kosumi laughed. “If you’re asking, I’d be happy to wash your body for you.”
Sitala slapped his arm and turned to me. “Tune, sit up and listen to us. This is important.” She looked nervous. That got my attention and I sat up with the blanket wrapped around me.
Sitala looked around before she bent closer to me. “I’ve done a lot of arguing and made many promises, but I’ve convinced Wuyi to let you go home.”
I squealed and jumped up to hug them both--forgetting my blanket. Kosumi slapped my bare bottom. “Well, it’s nice to see you’ve finally gotten over your shyness.” He chuckled and gave me a wink.
I looked down at myself. “Oh!” I grabbed the blanket and wrapped it around me again. “Thank you, thank you. I promise you won’t regret it. I’ll say I have amnesia. When can I go?”
“Shh, calm down. Be quiet and we’ll tell you,” Kosumi said with a hint of sadness.
Sitala started, “This has to be a secret, and
no one can know we let you go.”
I nodded. “Okay,” I whispered, almost panting.
“Early tomorrow morning you’ll leave with Kosumi and Liwanu to go ‘hunting.’ We’ll say we let you go with them because we felt you needed a change of scenery. Then you ‘snuck’ away from them and they were never able to find you. They’ll find some of your clothing, bloody, and assume you were killed and taken by a wild animal.”
“All right, whatever you say.” A little of the excitement dissipated, “I guess I can’t say goodbye to Papina…or Helaku…or anyone else, can I?”
Kosumi shook his head, “No, you can’t. Early tomorrow I want you to dress in extra warm clothes. We’ll have a pack made for you with clothes from the outside so you can change right before we take you back. There hasn’t been much snow yet, so hopefully we can have you back to the cave in five days if we hurry. Our excuse for being gone so long will be that we were searching for you.”
I started to feel nervous and a little sad. “Sitala, will I see you again tomorrow morning?”
She looked at me with tears in her eyes and shook her head. “No, my tune, that wouldn’t be wise. We’ll say our goodbyes now.” We held on to each other and Kosumi left us alone. “I’ll miss you so much, I’ve grown to love you.”
“And I’ve grown to love you too. My parents are dead and my sister is like a stranger to me…you’ve become my family. I’m sorry, I just don’t think I could survive here, because of Honon.”
“I know, I understand.” She wiped tears from my eyes. “Huyana, I was wondering…just in case there’s an emergency or some reason we need to get in touch with you…can you give me your phone number? Here, I brought this quill and what we use for ink and some dried skin to write on. I’m sure it’s a little primitive to what you’re used to, but it works.”
“Okay,” I smiled and dipped the quill in the ink. “Here’s my home phone…if it’s still hooked up. If not, here’s where I work…if I still have a job. Wow, everything’s so uncertain. Plus, here’s my friend Tamara’s phone number. She’s also my lawyer.” I wrote everything down for her, even though it wasn’t easy; I left lots of blobs of ink on the skin. “I guess there’s no way for me to contact you though, is there?” I leaned over and hugged her again. “Sitala, I don’t understand. Why are you letting me go?”
“Well, I love you and I want you happy. Also, both of my sons are in love with you. I know Kosumi would be able to accept you being with Honon, but for you to be with someone else would hurt him too much. And then there’s Honon, even though he’s mad right now because he doesn’t know the truth, he would probably kill anyone else you marry. So…it’s to keep peace in our village.”
“I’m sorry, sorry for your pain. I lost my baby, but you lost a grandchild, too.”
She smiled and patted my face. “Before dinner, you might want to go have a hot bath because it’ll be your last one until you get back home. I doubt you’ll want to bathe in any more cold streams. Besides, maybe your amnesia story will be more convincing if you’re dirty.” Sitala stood up. “Here, this is my necklace. I’d like you to have it, to remember us by. But you must hide it at first. Maybe hide it in the cave and someday later you can go back to get it. I’m sure the police and doctors will search you when they find you. We don’t want to give them any clues, do we?”
“No, you’re right. Thank you. I wish I had something I could give you.”
“Tune, you give me hope.” And she walked away.
Hope for what?
I was really leaving. I would never see Honon again, or any of them. How long have I been here? Over two months, I think. Do I still have a home? What if Honon comes back tonight? What if he says he believes me? Do I still have a job?
I gathered my supplies and headed to the hot pool, hoping someone might be there so I could talk with them one last time. But then again, I hoped not. At least if I cried I knew that no one would think anything was wrong, not with the way I’d been lately.
“Falling Rain, wait!”
I looked around to see Helaku running toward me. Oh no, this is going to be hard. I cringed inside. “Hi, Sunshine, how are you?” I smiled at her and hoped she didn’t notice the hitch in my voice.
“I am good. I am sorry you do not have your baby anymore. I wanted to be a teacher for it.” She walked beside me, holding my hand.
“I know. You would’ve been a good teacher. But other babies will be born. Wauna should be having her baby any day now.
“Oh she did, her baby came here last week. She said I could help her teach the baby. Are you going to take a bath now? Can you have dinner with us? I’ll go ask my mother.” Helaku ran off before I could answer. I’d fallen in love with her too. How am I going to do this? I then knew. I would hurt no matter what decision I made.
A few people were in the hot pool, but I only knew them a little. I took off my robe, which was actually a fur coat, and got in--no longer caring about my nudity. I washed, wished them a good evening, and headed back. Papina came up beside me, “Huyana, it’s good to see you up.” She leaned in to hug me and I held on tight, blinking back the tears that had filled my eyes.
“I’m so sorry for how I’ve been treating you, you didn’t deserve that.”
She shook her head and looked at me with such love. “You don’t need to apologize, you’ve had a terrible loss and every woman understands that. I just thank God you’re doing better now. Please, will you come have dinner with us?”
“I would love to. Let me go change and I’ll be right there.” I walked back to my koca and quickly changed, put the conditioner on my hair, and brushed it out. “Hmm,” I sighed. The smell of the conditioner, the smell of Honon--I wanted to take some with me. It was probably stupid to torture myself that way, but I didn’t care.
I announced myself at Papina’s door and was quickly led in. “Here, sit by the fire so your hair can dry.” Papina led me to a seat.
“I want to brush your hair for you, can I?” Helaku asked. When I nodded, she clapped her hands. Papina warned Helaku not to bother me, but I assured her she wasn’t.
Muata came in. His face sparked so many memories--my capture, the ride to the village, Honon. I was biting my lips to keep from crying. Muata bent down to me and put his hand on my shoulder. “Hello, little sister, I’m happy to see you again.”
I cleared my throat. “Yes…it’s good to see you too,” I smiled. “It’s good to see all of you again. I love you all. You’ve been so kind to me. Please know I would never intentionally want to hurt you.”
Papina looked at me in shock. “Hurt us, how could you do that?”
“Well…by….being rude to you,” I stumbled.
“Huyana, no one blames you for how you’ve acted these past weeks. Now eat your dinner, you are too skinny,” Muata said gruffly.
I laughed. “Ha, that’s something I’ve never heard before.” I wonder if I can keep the weight off.
After dinner, I tried to help Papina clean up but she wouldn’t let me. When it was time to leave, I hugged them all and gave them a kiss on the cheek. “I love you all, thank you for being my friends.” I walked back to go to bed. On the way I saw Sitala’s koca and I stopped to look at it. I wanted to go in, but I knew I shouldn’t; Sitala had already said her goodbyes.
I paced for hours. I put Sitala’s necklace on. I’ll take it off in the cave. Am I doing the right thing? I have a family here. I can get over Honon…can’t I? I’ll leave the conditioner, the smell would be torture. Karen and TamTam are my family at home…but it isn’t the same. I’ll memorize the route…I can always come back. That possibility made me feel better and I finally sat down and fell asleep.
Kosumi shook me awake. “Come, it’s time to go. Liwanu is putting the packs on the horses. Can you ride a horse?”
“Yeah.” I quickly got dressed while he put my fire out. My heart was beating out of my chest and as I walked out, I stopped at the door to look back. I’d only been there a little over two months, bu
t it felt like a lifetime. “Goodbye, Honon,” I whispered.
Kosumi quietly led me past other kocas to where they kept the horses. When I saw Liwanu, I ran to him. “Liwanu, it’s good to see you.” I hugged him. “I’m sorry you have to do this.”
He held my shoulders to look at me. “If this is what will make you happy, then you do not need to be sorry.” He gave me a little smile and helped me on a horse. They didn’t have saddles, just blankets, and I didn’t feel quite as secure riding by myself--but I wasn’t about to complain.
Being on the outside of the village was surreal. No longer did I see a mountain and volcanic wall surrounding me in the distance. The world looked so much bigger.
We rode all day; we even ate while riding slowly and only stopped a few times for my potty breaks and to water the horses. Each time I got off the horse I had a harder and harder time walking. When we finally stopped to make camp that night, I would have fallen if Kosumi hadn’t kept a hold of me. He laid out some fur for me to sit on, but my legs were shaking so he came and carried me to it. “I was squeezing my legs all the time, I was afraid to fall off,” I laughed.
“You can sit with me tomorrow if you want, then you’ll be able to relax.” Kosumi sounded casual, but I sensed tension in him. He looked at me quickly before looking away.
“Thanks. I’ll see how I feel tomorrow.”
Liwanu walked away to set some traps. “Maybe we can have something hot to eat for breakfast.”
After we ate our jerky and dried fruit for dinner I fell asleep, but woke in the middle of the night freezing. Even though I was next to the fire, had a fur over me, and all my warm clothes on, my teeth still chattered. I tried curling up in a tight ball, but that wasn’t good enough. My moving around woke both of them. They said something to each other, got up, and moved their furs next to mine. Liwanu lay down in front of me, scooting his back into me. Kosumi came up and lay down behind me, putting his arm and leg on me. I was spooned in between them and warm as can be.