My Captor, My Love

by Leah Matheny

  His anger grew and grew at her stubbornness the longer she stayed in the tree. By the time he had her tied up, he had to walk away to keep from yelling at her. She hadn’t struggled once since he grabbed her out of the tree; that surprised him and he wondered what she was up to. He fought himself so he wouldn’t rip her clothes off and force himself on her, he wanted her so much. Dani tried to apologize, but he didn’t want to hear it.

  Stripping her of clothes would stop future runs; she needed to be afraid to run away again, she didn’t understand the danger. But his gut twisted when he saw her tear, he didn’t want her that afraid, he didn’t want her afraid of him. When he straddled her, he saw more than fear in her eyes. There was hunger--for him. Even though he knew it, he was still surprised at the strength of her response when she kissed him back. If not for the bear, he knew they would have made love.

  Honon remembered her concern for all of them after the bear attack and how they were all shocked when she tended to Liwanu. Her concern for others overrode her own fear. She would make a good wife.

  Watching Dani put the lotion on her body was distracting him. He grabbed the lotion so he could distract her, tease her, touch her, and seduce her. Her soft skin amazed him. When he reached her rounded hips, he had to control himself not to dig his fingers in and pull her hard against him. He was shocked when she slapped him; she obviously wanted him, so he wondered what game she was playing, if she wanted him to look like a fool.

  When they finally made love, he felt a joy in his heart he’d never had before. The physical connection…the strength, the intensity was something he’d never experienced. Her smile was beautiful the way it lit up her green eyes. Her body was magnificent sitting on top of him, moving, pleasing them both.

  Honon had married Kaliska because he was of an age to do so. He cared for and respected her greatly. She was a good wife, she was honorable, and his feelings for her grew as her body grew with their child. He was truly devastated when she and their son died during childbirth. Not only was Kaliska his wife, she was a childhood friend.

  A little more than a year later, his father told him to stop mourning, move on, and get married again, it was his duty. He decided to marry Matila. With her blond hair and blue eyes, she had nothing to remind him of Kaliska. Visiting her bed many times was quite entertaining, but he had no feelings for her. And that was a good thing; if something was to happen to her, he wouldn’t be hurt. One afternoon he walked into her home and saw her in bed with one of the young bucks; he was disgusted with her, but he was only furious because she’d shamed him, he’d chosen a puta. And because he couldn’t control his soon to be wife, he looked weak.

  The next day when Dani threw her fit and tried to run away again, Honon knew he couldn’t trust her. She gave herself to him, she chose him, and she humiliated him, again.

  That memory made him angry. She didn’t want me…she tricked me into complacency so she could try to run away again.

  It didn’t matter that she wanted him in her subconscious, in her dreams; he remembered when she called his name out in her sleep, moaning and rocking her hips back and forth. She didn’t want him when she was awake. He knew it wasn’t that Dani wanted him, she just didn’t want Liwanu--she was obviously afraid of him. At least she used to be. As Honon dragged her behind his horse, his anger grew and he knew she would continue to hurt him. He couldn’t trust her. Part of him worried about her; he didn’t want her to get hurt and he had a hard time not looking back to see if she was okay, but he listened carefully and didn’t hear her in any distress, and he had his horse walk slower. He decided then to give her to Liwanu. Honon hardened his heart to her. At least, he really tried to--when she screamed and fainted in Liwanu’s arms.

  Kosumi tried to talk Honon into going to get her. “Honon, I’ve never seen you like this before. You clearly want her. Go get her. You need to give her time. Didn’t you hear her say she was afraid of wanting you too much? Don’t let pride or the past ruin a chance at happiness.”

  Honon couldn’t sleep at all that night, picturing all the things Liwanu was doing to her.

  Not until later the next day did Honon finally give in to his feelings. He wanted Dani. He wasn’t sure how Liwanu would react to him taking her back, so they all decided to go together in case Liwanu got mad. When they heard Dani laughing, they all stopped and crept closer to see what was going on. Dani apparently had changed her mind. The two laughing lovers with their heads together told Honon all he needed to know.

  When he was told that his mother wanted to see him and he found Dani there, he had to use every bit of his strength to control his emotions. Dani was bad-mouthing him. He wondered what she and his mother were up to. The disgust he felt for himself because he still wanted her weakened him, so in his anger he was insulting to her.

  His emotions almost raged out of control the time he saw Dani in the hot pool with Muata and Sewati. He didn’t know if he wanted to strangle her or kiss her into remembering him. Not until Muata called out to him did he realize that he was stalking toward her.

  Oh, how good it felt to see the fear in her eyes and her luscious, white ass as she ran out of the pool.

  And to catch her in Kosumi’s arms at the dinner he was forced to go to. “No, I won’t marry her and be the laughing stock of our village. You cannot prove the baby is mine. I was only with her a few times. It cannot be mine,” he told his father. Not wanting to marry her was one thing, but to hear how desperate she was to not marry him made his anger spike all the more. He decided to stay away from her from then on.

  He didn’t think he could be any madder until he woke to find himself staked out and Dani in control. She broke him, he trusted her again, and once again she’d tricked him. Why, he didn’t know--he no longer cared. To come back to her after a successful hunt, to find Liwanu carrying her into his/their home, to see her pull herself up in his arms to get closer to him--the anger returned, and a second later all emotion left him. His only thought was to get away, to not think, and to not feel.

  But now he was back, and kids came running to see the bear he was hauling. A few adults looked at him and quickly looked away. Good, I don’t want to talk to anyone. He was heading for the meat storage cave when his mother caught up to him. “Honon, stop.”

  He stopped, and slowly turned to look at her. “Yes, Mother?”

  “How could you? Do you know how worried I’ve been about you?” Sitala stopped to gather her breath. “Your father, the chief, wishes to see you immediately.” And she walked away.

  “Fine, but I must cut this bear up first.”

  Sitala turned and stopped him, “I’ll have the bear taken care of. Go to your father, now.”

  He was being treated like a young buck. Honon stepped up to his father and was shocked to feel his father’s slap across his face. But he stood still and held himself in check.

  “You have shamed me. You have shamed your mother. You are not an honorable man. You have the emotions of a child. I thought you would be a great chief after I was gone, but now I have no confidence in you.” Wuyi railed at Honon. He’d never seen his father so angry.

  “Father, I was on a hunt. I have been gone before for many days. I told Kosumi.” He couldn’t understand why they were so angry.

  “Do not lie to me! You ran away because you thought Liwanu and Huyana were lovers. After you took Kosumi’s things, you told him he could have everything of yours. You also suggested to him he not enter your home until Liwanu was finished…I cannot say the disgraceful word you used…until he was finished having sex with Huyana. Do you deny it?”

  Honon sighed. “No, Father, I do not deny it. Dani is now dead in my eyes.”

  “Well, that is good for you. Especially since your child is also dead and Huyana is gone.”

  Honon’s whole body stilled. “What are you talking about?” He felt a knot form in his stomach.

  “My tune was coming back from a bath with Papina when she doubled over in pain and fainted. Liwanu was near
by, Papina called out to him for help. While Liwanu carried Huyana, Papina ran to get help. That is what you saw. Liwanu said Huyana woke before he got her back to your koca. She had very strong pains that made her strain in his arms. She lost the babe soon after. You were not here to cremate your child. You were not here to care for the mother of your child. Kosumi told me you had left and why…but we kept that information from Huyana for a few days. After that, I felt she deserved to know the truth. She was inconsolable and refused to eat. All she did was cry, sleep, and beg to go home. Huyana convinced your mother, who then convinced me, to let her go. We, unlike you, trust she will not betray us.” Wuyi turned and walked away from Honon.

  Honon sat down and frantically thought over everything his father had just told him. His mother walked over to him. “Honon? Dani loved you, she never betrayed you.”

  He looked up at her. “She and Liwanu are lovers. I saw them together after I gave him to her.”

  Sitala sat down in front of Honon and took hold of his hands. “Liwanu tried to tell you earlier, but you wouldn’t listen to him. He and Dani were playing a game in the dirt, that’s why they were laughing and sitting so close together. Liwanu only cares for Huyana like a sister.” She patted Honon’s hand. “You were mad that Dani tried to run away after you felt she had given herself to you. You knew you would get married. But, she didn’t know that…no one spoke English to her. All she knew was that you wanted her body.”

  That made sense to Honon, he’d never thought of it that way before. “But, Muata, Sewati…”

  “Both of them are married men, what do you think their wives would’ve done to them? We’ve never seen you like this before. Your anger and jealousy…you’re in love with Huyana.”

  Ignoring that statement, he stood up. “I need to go to her, where is she?” His heart started racing, he felt a horrific panic that he would lose her.

  Sitala stood, grabbing Honon’s shoulders. “Listen to me, you’re too late. Kosumi and Liwanu already took her back to her people.”

  “How could they do that? When did they leave? Maybe I can catch up to them. How could you let her go? We don’t let anyone go!” The panic was rising in him.

  “Honon, stop…now. We trust her, she won’t betray us. We had to let her go, she wouldn’t have lived otherwise. You hurt her deeply. We told people she was killed by animals during a hunt. Everyone here, except for Liwanu, Kosumi, and us, thinks Dani is dead. You can’t go after her now, winter is here and traveling would be too dangerous. Wait until spring and take this time to think.”

  “I have been thinking, for six weeks I couldn’t think of anything but Dani. I want to forget her. She has too much power over me. How can I be a good chief when I don’t even have control over my own feelings?

  “That’s something you need to think about. Take this time to think about what you want and how you feel, if Huyana is what’s best for you. Liwanu and Kosumi are both on guard duty. Wait until they come back to hear what they have to say.”

  Honon still felt a sense of panic and he wanted to yell because everything seemed out of his control. “No, I must go now…if I don’t, I won’t be able to find her. I can’t wait for the spring.”

  “Yes you can. Dani told me how to reach her if ever there was an emergency and we needed her. I think she hopes maybe someday you may believe her and go to her, as do I. But Honon, you can’t go to her until you believe she was faithful to you, until you believe the baby was yours.”

  That wasn’t something he wanted to think about. He couldn’t wait until Kosumi got back, so he went out to look for him. When he found him, he was shocked to see the anger in Kosumi’s eyes.

  “What do you want, brother?” Kosumi growled.

  “I’ve been thinking too much with my emotions instead of my head. Please tell me about Dani.”

  “Really, that’s not what I expected you to say,” Kosumi said bitterly. “What do you want to know?”

  “Everything, tell me everything I need to know.”

  “Why should I? You’ve been an ass, Honon, as Dani liked to say. You don’t deserve her. You humiliated her. You almost destroyed her!” Kosumi’s voice rose until he finished with a yell.

  Honon looked at him with surprise. “Well, little brother, I think you’ve fallen in love with Dani. She’s not short of admirers, is she?”

  Kosumi pushed him backwards. “And what if I am, I would treat her better than you ever did.” He calmed down a little. “But she wants you, she always did. She never betrayed you Honon. You lost her…YOU did that…because of how you treated her. But she still loved you.” Kosumi turned to walk away. “You stay here and take over guard duty.”

  Honon had no choice but to stay, he couldn’t leave the area unattended. He decided to use the time to think. He went over Dani’s actions, things she’d said to him. The last day where he saw her in Liwanu’s arms was definitely a misunderstanding on his part. Maybe some of the other things were misunderstandings too. He vacillated between panic and wanting to race after her, to thinking maybe her absence was for the best; she had too much power. A small whisper in his brain told him she had never used that power…well, except for maybe that night she had him tied up. He got hard just thinking of that night again.

  The next day Honon caught up with Kosumi. “Kosumi, tell me about Dani and your trip returning her.”

  Kosumi whirled around on him. “You have no right to ask anything regarding Dani after the day you left her. You lost that right.” He stormed off.

  Honon wanted to reach out and grab him, force him to talk, but he decided not to. Kosumi was more than just angry, he was hurting. He wondered if Kosumi had offered for Dani, if he’d tried to seduce her. No, I will not let my mind go there.

  Looking around, Honon saw Liwanu in front of his home and headed over. On the way there, Papina ran up to him and slapped his face. “This is your fault. You were a beast to Huyana!” He didn’t stop her from slapping him a second time. “You are a fool, she needed you and you left her. She’s dead because of you.” She ran away crying.

  He looked up to see Muata and others looking at him; then they turned from him, shaking their heads. Honon sighed, realizing he’d ruined things with more than just Dani. He headed back toward Liwanu, but when he reached him, Liwanu also turned away. “Liwanu, please talk to me. I’m learning I may have acted without thinking.”

  Liwanu turned to look at him with raised eyebrows. “May have?”

  “Okay, okay. I’m ready to listen now.”

  Liwanu raised an eyebrow. “You are. Well, you are too late.” And he walked away.

  Honon shook his head. He had to restore the respect he’d lost. He went to his home and the first thing he saw was Dani’s backpack. Picking it up and emptying the contents, he was flooded with memories. As he looked around the room, he realized he’d never be able to be inside it again without thinking of her. How am I going to be able to wait for spring?

  Days passed. Honon went about his duties as he had before he met Dani. Wanting to erase Dani from his mind, he tried spending time with other women--he didn’t succeed. Muata was cold to him; he knew Muata thought Dani was dead. Honon thought the only thing to restore his honor would be to bring Dani back. Yes, I need to bring Dani back for the sake of the village, not because she has a power over me. So he went to find his parents and tell them what he thought.

  His mother just shook her head and walked away. His father put his arm around him. “My son, this is how you will explain yourself to Huyana?” His father patted him on the back and walked away.

  Honon stormed out, furious. What do they want from me?

  He lived his life pretty much the same way he had after Kaliska and their baby died. He wasn’t mean, but he wasn’t nice either. He mostly kept to himself, doing what he had to do, and that was it. After a few months, he noticed Kosumi was back to his old gregarious self. Apparently, he had gotten over his infatuation with Dani.

  The winter hadn’t been very harsh; Hono
n knew spring should be coming soon so he allowed himself to start thinking about Dani, about seeing her again. His mother said he couldn’t go to Dani until he believed her one hundred percent. When he thought logically, he knew he was wrong and she hadn’t betrayed him. Holding on to his anger all winter had been self-preservation. He couldn’t have waited the winter out if he’d admitted that he wanted her back, that he loved her.

  He went to his mother to tell her what he’d been thinking and she jumped up to throw her arms around him. “Finally, my prayers have been answered. Yes, go get Huyana and bring her home.”

  Honon turned to go, smiling.

  “Wait!” Sitala cried out. “I need to talk to you. You’re going to be going far into the outside world. It’s nothing like the little towns you’ve been in. We’ll need to plan this out.” She hugged Honon again. “Go, do what you need to do so I can think. Come tomorrow for lunch and we can go over everything.”

  He felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders; he went to find Liwanu. “Liwanu, my friend, I need to talk to you privately.” Honon bared his feelings and told Liwanu the same thing he’d told his mother. “Liwanu, I’m asking you if you’d like to go with me. You can look for someone at that time to bring back for you. Just stop your scowling so you don’t scare them away.” He hit Liwanu in the arm.

  “It is about time you woke up, my friend. Yes, I will go with you. When do you want to go?”

  “First, we’ll go together tomorrow for lunch to talk with my mother. She’ll give us advice on the outside world. She said we’d be going in deep to get Dani.” Honon hit Liwanu in the arm again. “Come spar with me, friend, I’m full of pent up energy.” Liwanu jumped on Honon right before they reached the training pen.

  Honon went to bed that night bruised and very happy.