My Captor, My Love

by Leah Matheny

  Liwanu patted my shoulder and the horse walked on. “You couldn’t convince her to come with us, huh?” I asked. He only grunted.

  We weren’t far from the cave when we saw some other horse riders. We asked them if they’d be going back to Reds Meadow Pack Station that day, which they were, so we asked them if they’d return the horse for us. We told them that we wanted to do some hiking and camping.

  Once we reached the cave, I remembered the water. I’d panicked the other two times I had to go through it. “Liwanu, how am I going to handle the water?”

  “You are a mother now. Your priorities are changed.”

  Hmm, we’ll see. Liwanu crawled through the crevice first then I handed Jack to him. Once I crawled through, I held Jack while Liwanu lit a torch and covered the hole back up. I looked for Sitala's necklace and put it on.

  We soon reached the water. “Dani, do you have more clothes?”

  “Yes, one more set.”

  “Good. Give me your shoes and I will take everything over. I will come back to get you and Jack.”

  Waiting around in the dark wasn’t fun and I tried not to let my imagination run wild with slimy things coming after me. I fed Jack again, but didn’t have anything to change his diapers--not that I could have seen to do so.

  With relief, I soon saw the torch; Liwanu was coming back. “Dani, you have two ways to go. I can carry you, and you can hold Jack up out of the water. But we will not have the torch and there is no torch on the other side. Walking will be dangerous after that. Or…you can sit on my shoulders with Jack and hold the torch. I will hold your knees so you do not slip.”

  I was trying not to be nervous as I sighed dramatically and said, “All right, sit down so I can climb on.” I got on his shoulders after I rolled my jeans up to my knees, and had to wiggle to get into a secure position. Yeah, this isn’t awkward. “Okay, stand up slowly.” Once he stood up and I gave a little squeal, I adjusted myself again and made sure Jack was secure. “Okay, give me the torch.” My heart and breathing sped up.

  Liwanu held one of my knees and he placed his other hand at my lower back. He slowly walked into the water and kept asking me if I was okay. I gasped when my feet touched the water and he stopped. “Relax, I have you. The water will not go up to your knees. Are you ready for me to walk again?”

  “Yes,” I gasped. “Just go slow, I don’t want you to slip.”

  When we finally got out of the water, I let out a huge breath and felt my heart begin to slow down. “I’m glad Jack slept through that, I don’t think I could’ve handled him crying too.” I gave Liwanu the torch, and he leaned down so I could get off his shoulders. Liwanu walked away to change out of his wet clothes and into his breech cloth, and we continued through the rest of the cave.

  Liwanu’s horse was tied up close to the cave. As we were about to get on, Jack started fussing. “Let me change his diapers, then, I can feed him when we get on the horse.” Liwanu held Jack’s hand and talked to him in Miwokan while I changed the diapers. His clothes were wet from his diaper leaking, so I had to change those too.

  Once we were settled on the horse and walking along, I arranged myself so I could feed Jack. He was crying pretty hard by that time, but he quieted mid-scream as he latched on; we could hear him sucking and gulping. Liwanu leaned forward to look, then, he quickly sat back. “I apologize,” he rumbled.

  I chuckled. “That’s okay. This is natural. God made us this way for this purpose.” I didn’t want him to be uncomfortable for the rest of our trip…especially considering how often Jack fed. “Look at him, Liwanu, isn’t this beautiful?”

  He leaned forward and looked again. “Yes, very beautiful. God is good. I hope he blesses me with a child some day.”

  The days passed slowly. A couple of times when Jack was fussy, Liwanu would urge the horse into a gallop; that seemed to calm Jack down, but most of the time Liwanu walked the horse. I soon ran out of diapers. We’d been burning the diapers to not leave a trail and I started folding receiving blankets up tight to put around Jack, but he soaked through to me many times. I was just glad I’d brought lots of changes of clothing for him; unfortunately I only had one other outfit for me. At night Liwanu would wash everything out and hang it all up to dry by the fire throughout the night. The nights were pretty cold still, so we had Jack sleep in between us, inside the sleeping bag with me and with my back to the fire.

  Every day I would mix some of Sitala’s penicillin in our food. I hoped Honon had remembered to do it too. I hoped Jack wouldn’t get sick.

  On the evening of the eighth day, once we stopped for the night, Liwanu moved a big rock aside and pulled out a sack. In it was clothing for Jack and me. The animal skin clothing was roughly made, as if I had made it. Some of the furs still had lots of skin hanging on them. The clothing was rough and itchy so I put Jack’s clothing on with the rabbit fur touching his skin.

  “So, they really think I’d do this bad of a job making clothes and blankets?” I asked a little peeved.

  Liwanu smiled. “Remember, you would not have any knives or other tools to make things properly. You probably used rocks with sharp edges.” He said I should have some type of story for the people who asked, so he explained how I could have accomplished things and survived. He pointed my ring and necklace out to me. “You need to take those off.” I didn’t know what to do with them. “Give them to me. I will give them back once you are in your home.” He wrapped them in his pack.

  The next day we finally reached the cave. My heart started to beat faster at the thought of seeing Honon. “We’re almost home, Jack, we’ll get to see daddy soon.” I turned to Liwanu. “I’ve been praying for Wuyi. I hope he’s still alive to see Jack.”

  “Yes, I too have been praying.” Liwanu got off the horse to move the rock aside. Honon was there with a torch as soon as we walked inside. He handed the torch to Liwanu and picked me up.

  “Dani, Jack, I’ve missed you both so much. If you were gone one more day, I was going to go looking for you.” He kissed me before I could say a word, then he turned and carried me through the cave. At the exit, he turned back to Liwanu, “Remember to hide Dani’s things.”

  “Honon, your father, how is he?” I asked him.

  “Wuyi is still with us, but I don’t think he’ll last much longer. I think the news of Jack Honon has given him the strength to hold on.” Honon carried me all the way to Wuyi and many people came running up to us. As we were about to reach Wuyi’s koca, Papina and Helaku came running up. Papina was crying. “Dani, I thank God you’re alive. I have been…” Honon interrupted her.

  “I’m sorry, Papina. I need to take her to my father. Dani will come to you as soon as she can.”

  Papina backed away, bowing her head. “Yes, I’m sorry. I understand.”

  “Honon, wait. Set me down for a second.” I reached out to Papina and Helaku, giving them both a big hug. “I love you both. I’ll come as soon as I can.” I was so happy to see them, but I turned back to Honon and I saw Sitala. She wiped the tears from her face as she hugged me and ushered me inside. Jack was asleep when I put him in her arms and she kissed him. She took him to Wuyi while Honon helped him to partially sit up. Sitala sat next to him and put Jack in his arms.

  “Here’s our grandson, Wuyi.”

  Tears were running down Wuyi’s face when he looked at me. “Thank you, tune. You have made me a papa while I am still here on this earth.” He leaned down and kissed Jack, who started to squirm and slowly woke. Wuyi laid Jack on his lap and started removing his clothing. He checked his fingers, toes, and his whole body. “Yes, my grandson looks healthy. He looks as his father did, he will grow big and strong just like Honon.” His voice was weak and he wheezed.

  I heard a noise beside me; Kosumi had come in. He looked at me quickly before he turned to Jack. “So my nephew is home, this is good news, a day for celebration. Congratulations, Honon, Huyana. You’re a lucky man, my brother.” Jack was starting to fuss. Kosumi offered his finger and Jac
k held on tight. While Wuyi commented on Jack’s strength, I could see him getting more upset. He let out a little scream and I felt milk drip out of me; I quickly looked down and wrapped my arms around my chest, the tingling sensation was strong.

  “I think Jack’s hungry. I should go feed him.”

  “Yes,” said Wuyi. “Come sit by me. I want to see my grandson feed.”

  I looked at Honon with wide eyes, and he nodded. So I got up and moved next to Wuyi and Jack starting screaming. My “dress” was like a big poncho with a strap around my waist and I tried to figure out how I could modestly feed Jack. “Take that thing off so you can feed my grandson,” Wuyi said.

  Oh well, when in Rome. I removed my “dress” and quickly held it in front of me to cover back up. After I did, Kosumi excused himself. With tears running down his face, Wuyi watched Jack feed. “I thank God to let me see such innocence and beauty again. Now, we must have the wedding tomorrow so I can be here to see.”

  Wuyi fell asleep while I was still feeding Jack. When Honon took Jack to burp him, Sitala handed me clothes to change into.

  “Thank you. I think I’ll put my other ‘dress’ back on until I can have a bath. Will you watch Jack while I bathe?”

  Sitala laughed and gave me a big hug. “You can ask me anytime you want. I’ll love watching my grandson every chance I get. Honon, give me that baby and go take Dani for a bath.”

  I took the outfit from Sitala and we headed for Honon’s--our koca. Again, many people stopped to welcome me back. We grabbed towels and soaps and headed for the pool. “I hope the pool isn’t crowded, I want you to myself,” Honon growled as he guided me along. Nope, no such luck. We thanked well wishers, quickly washed, and headed back to the koca. As I started to put clothes on, Honon stopped me. “Oh no you don’t, I haven’t made love to you since before Jack was born, and I haven’t had you in my arms in over a week.” He picked me up and carried me to bed. “Cujcuje, I’ve missed you so much…”

  I was resting in Honon’s arm when my breasts started to leak milk. “Honon, I think it’s time to feed Jack. Come on. Besides, I’m starving.” I rushed to get back to my baby.

  Jack was fussing and sucking on Sitala’s finger. “Good, you’re just in time. This baby is hungry.” Sitala handed him to me and I raised my top to start feeding.

  “I’m starving, mother, what’s for…Dani, hello. That kid eating again?” Kosumi smiled and moved over to look in the cooking pot. I could see the tension in him.

  Honon look back and forth between Kosumi and me, so I just kept my eyes on Jack. When Honon moved over to sit behind me and pulled me back against him, I leaned back and kissed his neck. “I love you,” I whispered in his ear.

  Wuyi woke up. “Ah, my grandson is eating again, good, good,” he sighed, and quickly fell asleep again.

  Sitala had begun walking toward Wuyi with a bowl of soup and she stopped when she saw he’d fallen asleep again. She looked sad as she said, “Well, I guess I’ll eat this. Then I can take Jack so the two of you can eat.” Kosumi sat quietly eating his meal.

  Sitala said she’d been thinking about the wedding. “Our wedding ceremonies aren’t very detailed. Long ago, the groom would just go to his intended’s koca, which was with her family, and go to bed with her. The consummation was the ceremony. They’d live with her family for about a month or until the first baby was born. The father of the bride pretty much supported the new couple for a year. Much time later, they had parties celebrating a marriage-to-be. The girl would be carried on the back of a strong man to her intended’s koca. Again, the consummation was the ‘legal’ ceremony. The father of the bride would give gifts throughout the first year. Christianity brought the ceremony before the consummation, asking for God’s blessing on the marriage. The chief would perform the ceremony and the father of the bride gave her away. He would also give a onetime gift, or dowry, to his daughter’s husband. The father also was the one who carried her to her groom’s koca. If the father was too old, or otherwise not able to, a substitute was selected to carry her. So…we need to find someone to carry you.”

  I looked at Honon. “I think I’d like to ask Liwanu. I don’t think he’d mind giving me away…again. But he doesn’t need to give a gift. I want him to understand that.” Honon nodded.

  “We also need to have the yenene, shaman/medicine man, perform the ceremony since Wuyi is too ill,” Sitala said sadly. “Let’s have the ceremony as early as we can.” She looked nervously over at Wuyi.

  Honon stood up. “I’ll go talk to the yenene and Liwanu now. Hopefully Liwanu doesn’t want to leave right away. I’ll be back soon, my wyhki.” He kissed me before he left.

  I called out to him, “Honon, tell Liwanu if he’s rushing back to get to Karen, that’s fine…but let him know I don’t care about my possessions, and he doesn’t have to hurry back here with the gold.”

  I looked around; Kosumi must have left when Sitala was talking. She came over as I started to change Jack’s diaper.

  “I’m so happy you’ve returned, tune. Having you and my grandson will make life easier once Wuyi is gone.” She hugged me and tried to get Jack’s attention by making funny sounds. “Before you leave, I have a stack of diapers for you to take.”

  I stood up. “Thank you. If you don’t mind, I’d like to go see Papina now. I think her feelings would be hurt if I didn’t see her tonight.”

  “I understand. When Honon returns, I’ll give him the diapers and tell him where you went,” Sitala smiled.

  Before I left, I walked over to Wuyi to see if he was awake or not. “Wuyi?” I said quietly. He opened his eyes. “Wuyi, I’m going for the night. I’ll see you tomorrow at the wedding.” I leaned down so he could see Jack awake. He caressed Jack’s face with one of his fingers and closed his eyes while nodding his head. Sitala thanked me as I left.

  I wrapped Jack in a blanket as I walked to Papina’s and I got there without anyone stopping me. I’d barely finished announcing myself at her door when she squealed and ran out with Helaku right at her heels. She pulled me inside. “Dani, you came. I’m so happy. Let me see your baby.” I handed Jack to her and she sat down so Helaku could see. “Dani, he’s beautiful. Look at all that hair!” She smiled. “I know you can’t stay long, but I want to hear all about your adventure when you can tell me.”

  Helaku asked me if she could be a teacher again. “Yes, you can be Jack’s teacher.” She wanted to know who Jack was, so I explained that I’d named my baby after my father. Papina told me about the Miwok tradition of naming babies when they were a month old. To name a baby before then would’ve brought bad luck, possibly risking the baby’s life. “A person used to keep that name for life. But with life’s changes, and nicknames sticking, people have a few names throughout their lives sometimes.”

  I told her about the wedding planned for the next day. The prospect of lying to her about my “adventure” made me feel horrible. I asked her what had been happening in the village and she told me all the gossip. Honon and Muata showed up together; I jumped up and hugged Muata.

  “Hello, little sister, it’s good to see you safe, back home, and happy. Now, let me see my friend’s son.” He walked over to take Jack from Papina. Jack was just starting to fall asleep. “I think he has your eyebrows, Honon. Congratulations on your son.” He handed Jack to Honon. We talked for a few minutes more before leaving.

  We put Jack to bed in a little cradle basket that was lying on top of layers of fur on the floor not too close to the fire. “Come here, wife. I’ve come to miss you these past hours.” As he was taking off my clothes, he smiled. “Ah, I like to see you without that bra you used to wear.”

  “Well don’t get used to it. I’m going to have Sitala help me make a new one.” I laughed, which soon turned into a moan.

  Jack woke us twice that night. The second time we woke to find that I’d leaked milk on Honon. “See, that’s another reason I need a bra.”

  He laughed. “I don’t mind. A little milk is worth having
your skin against mine.”

  Jack woke us again as the sun came up, and after I laid him back down, Honon pulled me back into bed. “Today’s our wedding. I think we should start celebrating now,” he said as he trailed kisses down the back of my neck.

  “Honon, you’re insatiable,” I sighed, and I didn’t mind it one bit.

  The next time Jack woke to be fed, I asked Honon to go check on his father and to tell everyone that we should be ready for the wedding in about three and a half hours.

  By the time I put Jack back down Honon returned with breakfast from Sitala. “My father is okay, I told everyone to spread the word about the wedding.” After eating, we both lay down to nap while we could.

  Papina came by the next time I was feeding Jack, and Honon left as she came in. “Good morning. I started thinking last night…you don’t have a wedding dress to wear, so I went to one of the women, Amayeta, who is close to your size, and she said you could wear her dress. It ties up the side, so you shouldn’t have any problem wearing it.” She held it out for me to see.

  “Papina, it’s so beautiful!” The dress was white with beads sewn into floral patterns; also, feathers were woven in it. “Once I’m outside, point her out to me so I can thank her.” There was also a headband with beads and feathers in it. “What about Honon, do men wear anything special?”

  Before she could respond, Sitala announced herself. “Come in, Sitala, I’m just about finished feeding Jack.” I lifted him up to burp him.

  “Here, give him to me and Papina can help you change.” Sitala took Jack and cooed to him while she took his dirty diaper off. I told her I had warm water ready so she could give him a bath.

  Papina and I ran down for a quick bath. Once I was dressed, Papina brushed my hair for me; and to make it shiny, she rubbed in some of the conditioner. When she put the headband on me, she stood back and grinned. “Huyana, you are beautiful. Sitala, look!”