Shame

by Fiona Cole

  I mean, I had my dick in my girlfriend’s mouth. But she was so soft with her gentle licks and timid kisses. When she happened to nick the head with her teeth, I grunted how good it felt. I didn’t think she was listening to me at all, as she only giggled and returned to the soft kisses. I felt like a complete ass, and had been about to just say never mind and distract her by getting her off.

  But then she hit a spot, scraping her teeth along my cock and I jerked, hitting the back of her throat, making her gag. My blood ignited, burning a path straight to my balls. I pushed my hand into her blond hair and imagined holding her head down as I thrust up roughly, wanting to hear the gagging, choking noise again. With those images firing through my head, I went from zero to sixty, ready to come.

  I must have muttered out a warning because she pulled back and jacked me off with a smile. I blocked out her sweet face by closing my eyes and imagined holding her head down as I came in her mouth, not letting her up for air until I was done with her. My whole body broke out in chills, and I bit my lip to hold back a moan from the orgasm blazing down my spine.

  When I came crashing back to reality, it was as though a bucket of cold water had been doused over me. I was so freaked out by the scene I created in my mind and what I’d wanted to do to her, that when she climbed up on my lap, I panicked and made an excuse to leave.

  I ran my fingers through my hair, clenching at the strands trying to make sense of the past few months. I was sixteen and had been jerking off for a long time. But in the past year, it had been more than just a pair of tits that got me off, and the thoughts of being rough came more and more frequently as I roughly palmed my dick. In the moment of jacking off, I’d close my eyes and imagine tossing a girl to the bed and pinning her down. The images came so fast and slipped together like puzzle pieces I didn’t want to admit fit.

  But as soon as I was done, and the high seeped from my body, it all felt wrong. Shame would settle in. The goose bumps that had been raised from chills of pleasure began to crawl with a sticky feeling that made me feel gross and wrong. My chest would tighten as I pictured the reality of doing that and the panic on the girl’s face when she realized what a monster I was.

  No matter how good it was when I was racing to the finish, there was always the knowledge that had been drilled into me, waiting to tell me how wrong I was to get turned on by that. I knew to treat a girl like a lady, to never be rough with a girl, to treat her with respect.

  Not to imagine holding her down as you fucked her mouth.

  In case that wasn’t enough to set me straight, I had the reminder of a guy on our team from last year, AJ Prince. He’d filmed himself having sex with two girls and spanking one. His dad, like mine, had worked for the government, and the scandal had rocked their family. The fear of being different and having it exploited and ruining my father’s career as a senator added to the layers of stress and made me feel even worse for the things I desired.

  A car door slammed, pulling me from my thoughts. Thank God.

  I rolled out of bed and checked out the window to see Ana and her mom making their way inside. Before they reached the door, part of their conversation reached up to me.

  “Your dad called and said you haven’t been available for him to talk to,” her mom said.

  “I’m not available on his schedule. Maybe he should try to make time for me,” Ana responded before flinging the glass door open and stomping out of site. She didn’t talk much about her dad, but I knew it was an issue for her. I hated seeing her upset. I snatched my phone off the nightstand and fired off a message.

  Me: Come over.

  It blew my mind how quickly she’d become such a close friend. Hell, I think I even considered her my best friend, which was crazy since I’d known some of my friends since I was five. But with Ana there were zero expectations of who I should be. It was just us and I could be just me. Even at school, where she meshed perfectly with everyone, when someone would tell a lame joke that everyone else thought was hilarious, I would be able to catch her eye and we’d roll our eyes like we had a secret no one else knew.

  Somehow, she’d moved into the best friend category without pissing off Gwen, mainly because Ana was an all-around, low-key, friendly person and it was hard to not like her. She had made friends with Gwen just as fast. Even though Gwen didn’t know how much we talked at night or hung out after school. But it wasn’t like I would tell Gwen how often I hung out with my other friends, so it didn’t matter. Ana and I were just friends.

  It made it easy that she lived right next door. Even when we couldn’t get together to talk, we would hop on Instant Messenger and chat with our blinds pulled up so we could still see each other. Sometimes I would look over when I got home from practice and find her dancing with her headphones on.

  I loved when it took her a while to notice I was there. She moved so gracefully, I could watch her for hours. Usually when she caught on to the fact that she had a peeping Tom, she’d move on to the sprinkler, lawn mower, moon walk, and other crazy dance moves just to make me laugh.

  We always ended up in my house because I had the wrap-around porch, with the roof right outside my window that made it easy to sneak over without using the front door. My parents never asked why I’d rearranged the patio furniture and put the higher table under my window. Ana would use her long limbs to climb up and we would sit on the roof staring up at the stars.

  My phone dinged.

  Ana: K

  I pushed out my screen and made my way onto the roof. It was maybe ten minutes before I heard a low thump as she climbed onto the table. I reached down to give her a tug, helping her up the rest of the way. She could make it on her own, but I liked how it felt to take care of her.

  We didn’t say anything as we both stretched out and stared at the small spattering of clouds blowing across the sky. I didn’t know if she would ever break the silence. Some nights we’d joke around and laugh quietly. Other nights we would sit in silence, comforted by the other’s presence after a long or bad day. Then there were nights when one of us would need to vent and the other listened, inserting the proper supporting words when needed.

  Right then, I think she just wanted to sit in silence. But I wanted her to know I was there for her. She always held back so much when it came to her dad. I wanted to know that part of her too, so I broke the silence, hoping she’d open up to me.

  “You don’t talk about your dad much. Even after four months, I barely know anything about him.”

  I didn’t look at her, but I heard her heavy sigh. She was quiet for a long minute after I spoke, and I prepared to let it go when she finally started talking.

  “It was a month before he even called to talk to me. A whole month. And the only contact I’d had before that was a random text message saying he hoped I was okay. He didn’t even try and start up a conversation. To say I’d built up some resentment over that month is an understatement. When he finally did call, I was short with him. When he called again—two weeks later—I ignored it.”

  When she paused again, I looked over at her and saw her furrowed brow staring up at the stars like she was searching for an answer.

  “He’s my dad. But it’s like when I turned sixteen, he was done. He’d given up completely. It’s not like he was around all the time before because he worked crazy hours. But once he became partner at his law firm a year ago, it was like he was pissed off that he had to take time to be a father and a husband. So, he just stopped, leaving me to take care of my mom who doesn’t know how to be on her own.”

  My chest heaved when I saw a tear slip down her temple into her hair.

  Fuck. I’d never seen Ana cry.

  “It’s like I wasn’t good enough to stick around for.” More tears fell and I lay there frozen. Her hand roughly swiped at her tears. “And now he wants me to be happy with his scraps.”

  She finally shifted her head to meet my eyes. Her blue eyes seemed brighter filled with unshed tears. She looked gorgeous with her blond hair t
angled under her cheek and a determined clench in her jaw. She blinked a few times and the tears disappeared as though she demanded them to not fall.

  Staring at her, I whispered supportive words, hoping it was the right thing to say. “Fuck him.”

  There was a pause and then she smiled. It started in her eyes and spread to her lips where a laugh tumbled out. “Yeah. Fuck him.”

  I didn’t know my words would have such an effect, but she turned her smiling face back to the sky and continued to laugh. I took a deep breath for the first time since she’d stormed away from her mom earlier. I listened to her laugh until I couldn’t help but join in and laughed right along with her.

  Chapter Five

  Ana

  I’d made it. I’d finished the school year with no issues. I gave myself a mental pat on the back as I worked my way around the bodies filling up Josh’s house. He’d been elected by the soccer team to host the end of school year party since his parents were gone for the weekend.

  This was the first house party I’d been to. My ex-boyfriend had tried to drag me to one, but it was close to the time when I had moved, and I was already trying to distance myself from him. We’d dated for a couple of months, but I was young and didn’t know what the hell I was doing. He was my first boyfriend ever. All I knew, was that when he kissed me, I felt nothing except maybe boredom. It was soft and timid and mentally, I’d found myself growling in frustration. I didn’t want to be constantly questioned if it was okay. I wanted to let go. I wanted him to take what he wanted from me. But I’d never said anything, because every time I tried to form the words in my head, it always sounded like I wanted to be forced; like I might be asking him to rape me.

  The thought made me shudder.

  Shudder from what his reaction might be.

  Shudder from the thrill it zapped through my body, which scared me more than his reaction.

  Fear of my own desires kept me from pursuing another relationship since coming to St. Agatha’s. I hung back and observed, making friends where I could. And in becoming this reserved, neutral person, it was easy for people to like me because they didn’t really know me.

  Except for Kevin. Kevin knew me. He knew my extremes, or at least what I’d let him see, and still wanted to be my friend. He’d seen me cry and act a fool when I danced in my window. He knew when I was holding back a sarcastic retort to a comment from someone in our group, and he’d give me side-eyes with just a hint of a smile, knowing I was hiding my real reaction behind a cool façade. Frankly, I didn’t need anyone else to like or dislike anything past my laid-back persona. So, I kept it up and just went with the flow, becoming superficial friends with everyone. It sure as hell made life easier.

  As I made my way from the living room to the kitchen, I was greeted by pretty much everyone I passed. It was still surreal to have so many people know who I was, but in a small school, that was how it worked. The fact that I was friends with Kevin, who was popular with everyone, helped. But I knew Kevin wore the same kind of mask I did. There was nothing extreme about his personality. He was easy to get along with, so no one tried to look any deeper.

  Somehow, we had fallen into a comfortable routine where we could just be ourselves with each other. As if we had some common bond. It felt natural to not pretend around him. For a while, I had to make believe I wasn’t desperately attracted to him. But between his girlfriend and our growing friendship, those feelings faded to the background and stopped weighing on me.

  “Hey, you want a beer?” Chloe asked, shoving a red cup in my direction.

  I scrunched up my face and shook my head. “Ew. Definitely, no.”

  She laughed and passed it off to one of the guys who happened to walk past. “I don’t blame you. It tastes foul. Now, if someone had some vodka and cranberry juice, I would drink the shit out of that.”

  “Ditto,” I agreed with a smile. I didn’t know if I would, but I said it just to have something in common with her. I hadn’t ever had much to drink beyond a sip of beer, and that was more than enough to never want it again.

  “Hey, have you seen Gwen?” she asked stretching her neck from side to side, looking past people.

  “Ummm . . .” I thought for a minute. “Not for a while. But I’ve been in the living room most of the night.”

  Just then we heard a loud yell coming from outside. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

  I hooked my thumb over my shoulder. “Sounds like Gwen.”

  We turned and headed out onto the deck. There were a few people standing there, looking out across the yard. When I moved toward the steps, I could see Kevin running his hands through his shaggy hair with Gwen facing him. Furrowed brows, pinched lips, and flushed face were not her best look.

  “I can’t believe you’re breaking up with me. Here. In the middle of the party. What the hell, Kevin?” She threw her arms up and glanced around. Her glare settled on me and her eyes filled with rage. My eyes widened. What the hell did I have to do with this? “It’s because of her isn’t it?” She jabbed a finger at me and, even though she stood over five feet away, I stepped back. “You guys hang out all the time, and you claim she’s your closest friend. Or is that a lie?” she demanded. “Do you want her? Is that it? Is that why you don’t have sex with me anymore?”

  My feet were immobile. I was frozen to the spot as she kept throwing accusations around, shocked that she thought I was the reason Kevin was breaking up with her. Hell, I didn’t even know he was thinking about it. No matter how close we were, we never talked about him and Gwen. I’d never wanted to know details about their relationship.

  But regardless, I’d never made a move on him. Gwen and I were friends. At least I thought we were. Yet, there she was yelling to all who would listen that I was the reason this was going down. Kevin turned and looked at me over his shoulder, where I was still frozen in shock. I could only stutter in denial while my eyes flicked between them.

  He tried to calm her down. “This has nothing to do with her. I didn’t want to break up with you here, but it just came out. I’m sorry.”

  “You’re sorry? You’re sorry?” she yelled. “Well fuck you, Kevin Harding!”

  Kevin threw his hands up in the air. “I’m done here. We can talk more when you’ve calmed down.” He stalked off toward the side of the house, leaving the rest of us staring at Gwen, who stood there with her mouth flopping open like a fish out of water. She finally pulled herself together enough to clench her jaw and storm back up onto the deck and into the house, making sure to clip my shoulder on her way.

  I fought the urge to follow Kevin and console him. He had to be hurting, but I feared adding any more fuel to the fire Gwen had started.

  Hunching my shoulders, I couldn’t help but notice all the people staring at me. This was more attention than I wanted and it was freaking me out. I wanted to be impartial, neutral, like Switzerland. I didn’t want to give anyone a reason for feeling too strongly about me. And yet, there I was at the center of a huge argument.

  Even if I wasn’t going to chase after Kevin, it was time to go. Head down, I pushed past the group on the deck and made my way inside to grab my purse. Walking down the blessedly empty hallway, I heard crying coming from the bathroom. Gwen. It had to be. I gently pressed my forehead against the door and closed my eyes, resigning myself to what I was about to do. I went back to the kitchen, grabbed an unopened bottle of tequila, and dropped a handful of cut-up limes into a cup. When I’d reached the bathroom, I lifted my hand to knock, but decided against it. I tried the door, which was surprisingly unlocked.

  The lights over the vanity in the white bathroom seemed blinding from the dim hallway. I scrunched my eyes against the glare and looked around. Gwen sat on the floor, leaning against the bathtub with her head bowed over her bent knees. Her dark hair spilled over her arms and my chest pinched as her shoulders shook with sobs. Despite her angry attack and accusations, she was still my friend, and I hated to see her hurting.

  “Gwen,” I whispered, not
wanting to scare her or make her scream since she hadn’t heard me enter.

  Turned out it didn’t matter.

  Her head jerked up at the sound of my voice. Her eyes were red-rimmed, her face blotchy.

  “Get out!”

  I jumped, unprepared for how loud she was. But I ignored her, stepping in and shut the door. I slid down the wall, her glare on me the whole time.

  “Are you deaf? I said, get the fuck out.”

  I infused some brightness into my voice and held up my offerings. “No, but I have tequila. And limes.”

  Gwen rolled her eyes but still reached out to grab the bottle. She cracked the seal and took a swig, forgoing the lime. I was a mixture of worried and a little impressed as she drank it so easily.

  “I figured you would have chased after your boyfriend by now.”

  “He’s just my friend, Gwen.” I’d decided when I came into the bathroom to help her, and that meant being what she needed. Right then, she needed me to be a man-bashing, female-supporting enthusiast. “But so are you. And chicks before dicks and all that.”

  My lame saying worked and pulled a laugh from her. She wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand and took another swig of tequila. Staring at the wall, she shook her head. If she needed me to, I was prepared to sit there all night in silence, but didn’t have to wait long before she started talking. “God.” She choked out another laugh that held no humor. “A whole year. What a waste.”

  “C’mon. It’s not a waste.” She gave me a fierce side-eye at that comment. “I’m sure you got something out of it. A lesson learned? Became a little wiser?” I offered. “Besides, it’s summer. You’ll have three months of not seeing his stupid face and all that time to find a new boy toy.”