Shame

by Fiona Cole

  We were high-fiving when Sean came over. “All right, let’s see if it’s you or her that has the most skill. Ana, I’m claiming you as my partner.”

  His eyes scanned my face, only dropping to my chest for a few seconds before he looked up and smiled. He knew I caught him staring at my breasts and shrugged instead of apologizing. I rolled my eyes, a little impressed by his lack of apology.

  Jane hopped into the pool from her spot on the ledge. “I’ll be Kevin’s partner,” she said, moving toward him.

  Sean dove under water and slipped between my legs. His hands softly gripped my thighs, unlike the firm clasp Kevin had used. It still sent a thrill of excitement to be in a position like this with him for the first time. Just not the same kind of thrill I’d felt when I imagined Kevin bruising me with his grip.

  “It’s definitely me that brings all the magic to the team,” Kevin said.

  “Whatever, he’s just a pretty boy to hold up all my awesomeness,” I tossed back.

  Sean joined in. “Don’t worry, babe. I can hold up all this awesomeness, and we’ll take ‘em down.”

  We went at each other and put up a good fight. I was impressed with how long Kevin lasted because Jane sucked. She would have been a goner on her own, but Kevin somehow managed to keep her up there. But eventually, they fell and Sean began running around in the pool singing “We are the champions.” I held on for the ride and laughed the whole time. It felt good to feel the butterflies take flight in my stomach with someone other than Kevin.

  As many times as I’d told myself we were just friends, there was always that small flicker of excitement that went beyond friendship when I thought of him. Maybe Sean was the guy to divert my attention and really make me let go of any attraction I had to Kevin.

  It was worth a shot, and I’d be an idiot to not try with the gorgeous blonde currently toting me around like a queen.

  Chapter Eight

  Kevin

  “Man, Ana is hot,” Sean murmured to me as we grabbed drinks and popcorn for the movie. Everyone else was settled in the bonus room.

  Hearing Sean confide in me about Ana irritated me. Not that it should since it was what we always did, talking about girls and what we thought about them. It should’ve been no different with Ana. But it was, because I felt protective of her. I didn’t like the way he’d leered at her the past few weeks. Ana’s bathing suit this summer accentuated her new chest. Friend or not, it became increasingly difficult to divert my attention from the perfect boobs that seemed to have grown overnight.

  But still, I had to stretch my neck to ease some of the tension I felt from listening to Sean, especially after watching them flirt all afternoon. It seemed Sean had decided to go in for the kill tonight, and Ana wasn’t turning him down. Meanwhile, Jane was talking to me, and I barely heard a thing she said because I was keeping an eye out for Ana.

  Because she was my friend, and I wanted to make sure she was safe.

  “I mean, she grew those tits overnight and they look like a perfect handful.” Sean held up his open palms as though he was trying to imagine how they would fit around Ana’s chest. “I wonder what kind of nipples she has. You know I’m a tit man. Love everything about ‘em,” he rambled. I threw the popcorn bag harder than I needed to him at him. And aimed for his head rather than his hands. “Damn, dude.”

  “That’s my friend you’re talking about. Show her some respect.”

  “I’ll show her all kinds of respect,” he added, thrusting his hips to piss me off further. Next, I threw a water bottle.

  He caught it, laughing. “Okay, okay. I’m just kidding. Calm your tits.”

  I glared and turned to head up the stairs. Sean followed and sat down next to Ana, even throwing an arm over the back of the couch behind her head. The couch dipped next to me, pulling my attention away. Jane smiled and sat closer than necessary. I thought about scooting over but changed my mind. What the hell? I could use the distraction. Jane was a nice girl, but she wasn’t anyone I wanted to get involved with.

  One: she was Gwen’s friend, and while Gwen and I had moved past any of our issues, I didn’t want to be that close to having her involved in any of my relationships. It felt a little incestuous. Two: Jane was nice. Sweet and soft. That combination scared me because my desires for rough, hard, and controlling still ruled me, and I didn’t want to be with anyone who would find any hint of that revolting. Jane seemed like the type of girl who needed to be treated with kid gloves and would balk at me even when I was under control.

  Yeah, staying away from Jane was the wisest decision.

  Honestly, I didn’t have any desire to have a girlfriend. I’d spent most of my summer hanging with my friends, and when I wasn’t with them, I was with Ana. While we didn’t have any sexual interaction, it didn’t make our relationship any less fulfilling. We laughed and talked and I always felt good about myself after I was with her.

  Throughout the movie, my eyes kept drifting over to Ana, watching the progression of Sean’s arm from the couch to around her shoulders before tugging her close. I couldn’t ignore the tightness in my chest when I tried to imagine Ana having a boyfriend. Maybe she didn’t feel the same fulfillment from our friendship. Which was fine. I was sure that unlike me, she had normal desires, ones that didn’t come with a side of scary.

  In the end, I knew I was being irrational and selfish to want all of Ana’s time to myself. She cherished our friendship as much as I did, but I still worried that her getting closer to Sean would mean less time for us.

  ***

  When the movie ended, everyone got up to leave. A part of me expected Ana to stay, maybe watch another movie like we’d done other nights.

  Instead, Sean wrapped his arm around her. “Let me walk you home.”

  Her eyes widened, but then she smiled. “Sure.” Looking at me, she bobbed her eyebrows, sharing her excitement. Because she was my friend and that’s what friends did. Friends were happy for each other when the other was happy. “See you later, Kev,” she said over her shoulder before walking out with Sean. A part of me wanted to stand on my stoop and make sure she made it home okay, but I held back my irrational need to keep an eye on her.

  Jane grabbed hold of my hand, which helped to distract me from thoughts of Ana. “Thanks for a great time, Kevin. Maybe we can do it again some time, but alone.” She shocked me by pressing a kiss to my cheek. “Bye.” With a small wave, she left with everyone else.

  I shut the door and walked to the living room, plopping myself down on a chair across from my parents. My dad had his glasses perched on the edge of his nose and looked up from reading the paper. “Fun night?”

  “Yeah. I’m tired though.”

  “All that sun and swimming will do that to you,” my mom chimed in, setting her crossword puzzle down. “Jane seems like a nice girl.”

  It took a lot to keep from rolling my eyes. I hated when my mom tried to talk about girls.

  “We actually see her parents at church every now and then. She seems like she wouldn’t be as . . . wild as Gwen was.” She picked over her words. My mother would never say anything mean about anyone. But she always saw how openly affectionate Gwen was, and I knew it bothered her. She was a cool mom, but definitely more conservative. I couldn’t imagine what she would say if she found out her son wanted to force a girl down when he was having sex with her. “She seems like a lady.”

  “Give the boy a break, Allison,” my dad grumbled. “Maybe he wants a little wild.”

  Nothing could hold back the cringe on my face at my parents openly discussing the type of girl I would like and why.

  “Liam,” she gasped. “Our son is a gentleman.” My dad laughed, and I couldn’t help but join in. “What? What is so funny?”

  “Do you need me to get you a pearl necklace to clutch for when you act so shocked?”

  “Oh, stop it,” she said, waving her hand. But she started laughing too at how ridiculous she sounded. “It’s not nice to laugh at an old lady.”

/>   “Hardly old, honey.” My dad looked over and winked at her. “Still enough wild for me.”

  And that was my cue to leave. “Night, guys.”

  Opening my bedroom door, my eyes shot to my window. Seeing Ana’s light was on, I headed to the window and saw her sitting on her bed looking at her phone.

  I tugged mine out of my back packet and called her. It rang once and she looked over at me and answered. “Hey.”

  “Did he kiss you?”

  It spilled out. I didn’t even know where it came from. Sure, it was floating around in my head, wondering if he would walk her to her door and kiss her goodnight, but I sure as hell hadn’t planned on asking. I stood at the window and could see from across the space between our houses that her face was screwed up in confusion. I didn’t blame her. I was confused too.

  “What? Why do you want to know?”

  My brain flew through a thousand responses, trying to cover my gaffe. “Because I bet it was gross.”

  She laughed and asked, “You think you’d be better?”

  “Hell yeah,” I said, intending to continue with the banter.

  But something about the day and the way I watched her give so much attention to Sean, made me want to pull it back on me.

  We stood at our windows, facing each other, the darkness of the night stretching between us and our bedroom lights illuminating our bodies. These were my nights and maybe that was why I pushed the limits.

  Maybe it was because I was comfortable with Ana, and she accepted me for me. Maybe because I thought she’d shift away from me for Sean, I wanted to share a secret with only her that would bring us closer. Maybe I wanted to be a little honest with her just to see her reaction. “I would kiss you so hard. I would press my lips to yours and shove you against a wall so you had nowhere to go, nowhere to hide.” I did my best to keep my tone light, to hopefully play it off as joking if things went wrong, but I visualized my words and my voice deepened as want coursed through me. “I’d grip your wrists and pin them above your head so you couldn’t shove me away and I would own your lips. Own you.”

  The silence stretched, and I began to panic. My mind scrambled to turn the conversation back to jokes, but another part of my mind urged me to let it be; let my honesty settle where it may.

  I couldn’t see the details of her face, but I could tell that it wasn’t scrunched in revulsion, and she hadn’t hung up on me. I wished she was standing in front of me without all the space between us, so I could watch her eyes and be able to read her honest reaction. The silence stretched too long. I needed to say something. But I just stood there, waiting for her to make the next move.

  However, it seemed she was going to ignore what I’d said. She spoke with soft hesitance as she changed the subject.

  “You ready for school next week?”

  Swallowing the fear that she might’ve called me disgusting, I let it go. “I guess. I mean I’ve gone school shopping and have all my supplies. I’m just going to miss summer and hanging out with everyone by the pool.”

  I couldn’t even hear her breathing, and I imagined she was holding her breath, wondering if I would drop any more bold statements. “Me too. Especially when I’m dying in chemistry.”

  “I’m not sure if I’m ready for that class.”

  “Yeah, that’s going to kick my ass. Promise me we’ll suffer together.” I cradled the phone against my shoulder and held up my hands like I was praying.

  She laughed. “I promise to drag you through hell with me.”

  “Hey, now that Sean is all into you, does that mean he’s going to carry your books for you?” I said, joking.

  “He damn well better.”

  I slouched my body in relief. “Thank God, I was getting so tired of doing it last year.”

  “Whatever,” she scoffed. “You never carried my books.”

  We both laughed until a heavy silence filled the line. Looking across at her, I had to ask about what worried me the most. “We still going to have time to hang out, no matter what?”

  “Always.” Her soft smile and easy answer soothed me.

  I lifted my hand and pressed it to the window pane. She did the same on hers.

  “Night, Kev.”

  “Night, Ana.”

  Chapter Nine

  Ana

  His lips pressed to mine gently. Barely brushing against each other, full of hesitance. Which was insane since we’d been kissing for a couple of months now. I wanted to lean in and press my lips firmly to his, grip his shirt in my hands and have him shove me back against the car door. Feel the curves of the plastic digging into my back as he took me. Maybe even bite my lips. The thought of asking or pushing for more made my cheeks flush. Especially when I imagined his eyes might widen and his lip would curl in disgust. Instead, I settled in and resigned myself.

  It was like kissing a cloud. Not like it was taking me to heaven, but rather like I was kissing nothing. It was soft, airy, and barely there.

  “Is this okay?” Sean asked when his hand rested on my neck, pulling me in a tiny bit closer. It was the third time he’d asked. Every move he made needed to be approved by me. More decisions I needed to make and I was tired of it. But I liked Sean, and I enjoyed my time with him. I loved the way he made me laugh and always gave me his attention.

  Even though months later, I still couldn’t forget the words Kev had said to me that night over the phone about how he would’ve kissed me. His voice deep, the vibrations somehow carrying across the space between us and shaking me to my core. He’d been joking, of course, but I couldn’t help but imagine the rough description every time Sean lightly brushed his lips to mine, asking for approval.

  Sean’s hand gliding up my thigh, bunching the skirt of my dress a little, brought me back to the moment. His thumb brushed an exposed patch of skin and he groaned. Actually groaned. A small flicker of hope sparked in my chest when he pressed his lips harder into mine. His tongue pushed into my mouth and I opened, letting him take what he wanted from me. When his large hand gripped my thigh tightly, I moaned, wanting more.

  But he pulled back, breathing heavily. “I’m so sorry. I went too far.”

  “No,” I spoke with barely masked desperation. Two months was a long time to go with soft, gentle kisses and nothing more. I reached across the console and tried to pull him back to me. “It’s okay.” I tried to reassure him.

  “No, no.” He pressed his back into the driver’s seat and took a deep breath, regaining the composure I wish he would let loose. I knew I lost the battle when he blew out a heavy breath and turned to me with a smile, reaching for my hand. “We should head in. We have reservations.”

  “Yeah,” I agreed, wondering if he could hear the disappointment in my voice.

  We walked in to the fancy Italian restaurant. Sean always took me somewhere nice on dates. He took me to one the highest rated restaurants in Cincinnati for my seventeenth birthday earlier this month. Said I deserved the best. He was one of those guys at St. Agatha’s who wasn’t there on a scholarship or grant. Both his parents were doctors and Sean never worked for anything. Not that it showed in who he was as a person. He was nice and humble and always grateful for his experiences. He really was a good guy who treated me great. He just wasn’t what I’d expected. I’d assumed he’d be the kind of guy who pushed for a more sexual relationship to notch onto his bedpost, and I’d held back a little in the beginning. But he’d shown me nothing but respect—maybe too much—and patience. Around everyone else, he put on a tough exterior, and I’d figured he would’ve been more forward with me. The shy hesitance had been a surprise.

  But it was easy to date him because he was in our group of friends. Not much changed in how we all hung out except that Sean held my hand, and I sat next to him at lunch rather than Kevin. At least when I couldn’t help it. I always tried, selfishly, to have both boys on either side of me at lunch. Kevin was still my best friend, despite spending less time together than before.

  I’d devoted more tim
e to seeing Sean, but I still looked out my window every night, hoping to at least get a goodnight smile from my friend. Even if we weren’t around each other all the time, we were still there for each other when needed.

  When we did hang out, Kevin didn’t talk about Sean at all. So, I’d decided to follow his lead and not say anything either. On the flip side, he never talked about any girls he was seeing. It was as though the time we spent together was our own and no one else could enter our bubble.

  “I can’t wait for Thanksgiving,” Sean interrupted my thoughts.

  “Me neither. Even if it is a month away.”

  “It’s something to look forward to. It will be nice to have a full week break from soccer practices.”

  “I saw you running the other day. You looked good,” I said. He had too, running in only shorts. I’d been standing in the parking lot, ready to head home when Gwen and I had stopped to drool a little. We’d watched the whole team sprint around the track with sweat dripping down their bodies. Sean always drew my eye with his killer body. A lot of the guys had lean muscles, but Sean was bulky and ripped.

  “Thanks, babe. The coach has been making me run more. It sucks, but it’s getting easier. All the other assholes give me shit for how slow I am, but I remind them I can pin them when they least expect it.” The way the guys ribbed on each other always entertained me. It was attractive to me to see Sean take everything in stride. “Besides, me being bigger means I can intimidate the other team when they try and score, and block more of the goal.”

  “There you go. Way to look at the bright side,” I said with an exaggerated nod.

  “You should come to practice some time.”

  “I wouldn’t want to interfere.”

  “Nonsense, I’d love to have you there. It would give me a reason to show off and try harder.”

  “Alright, but only if you promise there’s a possibility of you pinning me.” It was a forward comment that I hid within a joke, but I just wanted to try and see if I could get him to react.