Shame

by Fiona Cole

  But watching my hand against her small, paler one lit me on fire and I forgot my train of thought. So, I pulled back and changed the topic. “Either way, college together will be amazing and I’m pumped to not go without you. If I can make it into UC,” I added.

  “What do you mean?”

  “My parents want me to apply to Stanford and North Carolina because they’re the top schools for soccer.”

  “Don’t sound too excited,” she said. But her face scrunched up like she was just as unhappy as I was about the idea of being apart.

  “I don’t . . .” I hesitated, not having said it aloud to anyone yet. “I don’t think I want to play soccer in college. It’s defined me so much in high school, and I kind of want to breathe and explore me. I wanted to go into college undecided and figure it out as I go.” I ran a frustrated hand through my hair and stared at the wood grain before continuing. “I get that my parents have sacrificed a lot of time and money. But I just don’t feel excited about it. I feel excited about doing something different and unknown.”

  Ana’s eyes were soft and sympathetic when I finally looked up. “Kev, I’m sure it would be hard to walk away from something so familiar. And I know it would be hard for your parents to accept. But it’s your life, not theirs. And you have to do what you need. It’s your future you’re making decisions about. If you don’t see soccer in it, then maybe it’s not supposed to be there.” I didn’t know why it took me so long to tell Ana. I’d been sitting on the idea of not playing soccer since the summer and hadn’t known how to deal with it. Of course, Ana calmed whatever uncertainty was inside of me. She always did. “As long as you see me in your future, then we won’t need to change any plans. Because I will hunt you down, Harding.”

  Her glare made me laugh.

  “Let’s make a pact.” I held out my hand for her to shake. She slipped her thin fingers around my palm and I held on tight. “Let’s put out applications to wherever our parents want us to apply, but we’ll go to UC together. We’ll be sure to live it up in the dorms freshman year, and then we’ll get an apartment together sophomore year.” Her smile lit up her face and my heart beat a million miles a minute at the excitement zipping between us. “Let’s go on this adventure together.”

  “Hell, yes,” she agreed, pumping my hand hard. Even after the shake was done, we held on a little longer. We didn’t talk about why either of us didn’t let go, but it didn’t matter. If we didn’t talk about it, it didn’t exist. Right?

  But our hands jerked apart when Gwen and Jane walked up to our table.

  “This looks intimate,” Gwen joked.

  I sat back and gave her my usual relaxed smile. “Nah, just kicking Ana’s ass in arm wrestling.”

  Even though we all knew it was a lie, Ana couldn’t resist the challenge. “Whatever, I would kick your ass.”

  Gwen laughed and made herself comfortable at our table. Jane swooped in to settle next to me. Every passing year since she’d shared her interest in me, she’d gotten a little more forward. Maybe she felt the pressure of senior year running out. Even if I wasn’t sure why Jane was doing it, normally I did my best to brush her off.

  But that day, I played along because I enjoyed the way Ana’s scowl grew when she watched Jane touching my shoulder and giggling at something dumb I’d said.

  But, like I’d said, we didn’t talk about the reason Ana would be jealous, because it didn’t exist.

  Right?

  Wrong.

  Chapter Twenty

  Ana

  “Do you think you’ll ever find anyone who wants the same things we do?” Kevin asked from the lounger next to mine. It was the last day of classes before Christmas break, but the sky was clear and we were determined to sit out back and enjoy the stars. We’d grabbed blankets and sat on our loungers for all of ten minutes before we started shivering and came up with the plan to scoot closer and share blankets. Memories of the last time we were under the blankets together, heated me up faster than the fabric did.

  Kevin’s question shocked me. We’d agreed that we could freely talk to each other about our mutual desires so we didn’t have to feel alone, but he’d never brought it up before. We’d both jumped on the bandwagon and avoided discussing anything sexual, despite how heavy it sat around us. Kevin must have been wondering if we’d find anyone for a while to have brought it up. I knew he had to be nervous to ask me.

  “Well, I found you,” I teased.

  My joke fell like a lead weight and Kevin stiffened beside me. Shit.

  “I’m kidding, Kev.” Was I though? No matter how much we ignored what had happened and how much we didn’t talk about it, I thought about that night all the time. It was impossible to not look at him and remember every moment of that day. His body, his words, the way he made me feel.

  Friend, my mind screamed. We were friends. That was all I needed. “I don’t know though if we will find anyone without actively searching. Do you?”

  I watched his face glowing under the moonlight and his teeth sinking into his bottom lip before he answered. “I don’t know if I want to.”

  The words landed like a heavy blow to my chest. I couldn’t help but take it personally. The pain didn’t make sense because we’d decided to never be that person for each other. But it felt like an admission that he wouldn’t want me even if we tried. And that hurt.

  “It feels like a burden. I would be constantly worried about anyone finding out and then I’d be the senator’s son who caused a sex scandal. Just like the guy at school who made a sex tape they found. I couldn’t do that to my father. It feels like a disease that I’ll have to announce to a girl I want to have sex with.” He used a deep, fake voice. “No, I don’t have any STDs, but I do like to spank you and call you a slut. Maybe watch you gag a little. Just an FYI.”

  I hated hearing him be so negative. “Kevin, no one would find out. It’s not like you want to document it. And if you find someone like us, you won’t have to explain anything.”

  “But how many will walk away in disgust before that maybe happens?” he growled out the question in frustration.

  I shifted my hand, linking my pinky with his and repeated what I’d told him before. “There is nothing wrong with you, Kev.” He gave a non-committal grunt, but he left his pinky linked with mine. “Have you . . .” I stuttered, unsure if I even wanted the answer to the question. But I pushed on because it wasn’t about me. I was being there for my friend. “Have you ever tried with anyone else?”

  “Not since you.” His admission released a band that had been squeezing my chest. “But before: not really. Not intentionally. I’m too scared. I feel like behind the fantasy is the fear of seeing their face when they find out, and I let a dirty word slip, push too hard, or grip too tight.”

  I didn’t mean to let his words affect me, but they did. Just hearing him describe what he wanted heated me from the inside out. Not knowing what to say, too consumed by my racing heart, I let the silence stretch and fill with my heavy breathing, unable to control it.

  When Kevin turned his head to face me, we were so close, I imagined he’d be able to hear the wild thump of my heart. Staring at his lips, I whispered a truth he should’ve already known. “Well then, they’re insane. If they love you, they will understand how sweet you are and that you would never hurt them. They would trust you.”

  I wondered if he remembered how I knelt before him, looking up at him and admitting how much I trusted him. Was that what he would compare other women to? Or did it not even cross his mind anymore?

  I swallowed hard and licked my lips. Kevin’s eyes tracked the movement of my tongue, and I felt his pinky tighten around mine before he inched a little closer. My panting was so heavy, I was sure he felt it brushing against his full lips. I wanted him to move in closer and kiss me again. Remind me of what it felt like to be taken control of. I wanted him to take it.

  My eyelids drooped as I leaned closer, and the light from the back patio flicked on. We pulled our heads back an
d looked toward the patio door. I wondered if Kevin was struggling as much as I was to control my face into a look of innocence, rather than one filled with desire.

  A second later, his mom walked out. “What are you two doing out here? It’s freezing,” she announced incredulously.

  Really? Because I was going down in flames.

  “Don’t worry, Mom,” Kevin shouted in a relaxed tone. “We doubled up on blankets. I’m smart like that.”

  “A smart kid would be inside,” she tossed back. I loved Kevin’s parents. They were easy-going and always full of jokes. “How about you two come in and I’ll make some hot chocolate?”

  “Heck, yeah,” I shouted before Kevin could answer. “If he doesn’t want to come in, I’ll drink his too.”

  “Way to abandon me out in the cold,” Kevin complained on a laugh.

  His mom turned toward the door, shaking her head at our bickering. Before she walked through, she asked over her shoulder, “Kevin, when are you going to be real smart and snatch up Anabelle?”

  She was teasing, but it held some truth. I’d become part of their family the past few years and his mom and I got along great. She never worried about Kevin and I being more than friends after the first night at his house. She’d come upstairs to find us trash talking each other and said she’d hadn’t heard words so cruel even with his guy friends, and I became one of the guys in her eyes.

  How wrong she was, for the most part.

  “I ask morning, noon, and night, Mom. She keeps shooting your baby boy down.” Kevin clutched his chest in heartbreak.

  His mom snorted. “Yeah, right. Maybe because she’s a smart girl.”

  We laughed and began gathering up the blankets to head inside.

  The moment was broken, but with every brush of our hands as we folded the blankets together added back to the tension from before. It felt like we were pulling a rubber band between us trying to keep our distance at the appropriate space. But I couldn’t help but think that the more we tugged, the more likely we would snap back together.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Kevin

  “Uh, Kevin? What movie is this?” Ana asked incredulously.

  “I don’t know. I was just clicking through and saw Diane Lane. She’s hot,” I answered, looking over at Ana to bob my eyebrows. She rewarded me with a pillow to the face.

  “Especially when she’s in the middle of a sex scene,” Ana deadpanned.

  I hadn’t meant to choose that movie, but right then I was torn between regret and sitting back to watch Diane Lane getting fucked, with an uncomfortable Ana next to me. “It sure doesn’t hurt.”

  We’d been home all morning with plans to watch movies the rest of the day since Ana didn’t have to work at the library and our parents were at work. It was pretty much the normal routine since Christmas break had started. Ana had refused to go to her dad’s this year, and I couldn’t say I was sad about that. Especially when she started squirming in her spot as Diane Lane’s character fought off her lover, just to have him take control and give it to her. Seeing him bite his way down her body, I was formulating a way to bring a pillow to my lap without drawing too much attention to my growing dick.

  By the second sex scene where the couple fucks roughly in a bathroom stall, I’d managed to successfully cover myself. Thank God, because listening to the moans coming from the television reminded me of Ana’s moans.

  I’d done my best to not think about what had happened between us and focus on our friendship, but she was the only girl I’d experienced my true self with. I only kind of hated to admit that I jacked off to memories of her. They were a million times better than any fantasies I could’ve concocted around some faceless woman.

  The third sex scene came too close to the second and I was reaching my breaking point. Ana’s heavy breathing was hard to ignore. It taunted me, mixing with the grunts coming through the speakers.

  “Say you want me to fuck you,” the man said as he ripped down the woman’s pants. “Say it.”

  The woman fought him off halfheartedly, but gave in. Glancing over at Ana, I caught her licking her lips and rolling her hips. It took all I had to fight back the rumbling moan trying to escape my chest just imagining what she felt and how I wanted to feel it too.

  Her heaving chest drew my eyes, and watching her pant as she took the scene in, I was fucking done.

  Done pretending I wasn’t hard as a rock under the pillow.

  Done pretending she wasn’t turned on by the same thing I was.

  Done pretending we didn’t want to do it again.

  My heart pounded in my chest as I decided to take a huge risk. If it failed, I could blame it on all the blood collecting in my dick. But if it worked, then that was all that mattered.

  Swallowing my nerves, I scooted closer and leaned into Ana. Her whole body stiffened at my nearness, and she seemed to stop breathing. Using my right hand, I brushed her hair from her neck, enjoying the rippling shiver that shook her body, and whispered in her ear, “Fight me.”

  Her head jerked so fast to look at me, her hair whipped across my cheek. Her wide eyes, filled with desire, flicked to mine, then dropped to my lips.

  “Wh-what?”

  I waited for her to look back up into my eyes to help convey what I wanted and repeated my command. “Fight. Me.”

  I let the words sink in, drowning in her wide eyes. A small nod was all I got from her. It was all I needed. I pressed my lips to hers hard taking what I’d denied I’d wanted for too long. It took less than ten seconds before she caught on and started shoving. Her fists slammed into my chest trying to push me back, but I easily captured them, and shoving her back on the couch, I pinned them down. Just like in the movie, she fought me even though she wanted me. And just like in the movie, I dominated her and took what I wanted.

  Wedging my way between her thighs, I spread her legs and pressed myself roughly against her core, moaning my desire into her parted lips. Her legs were wild at my sides trying to gain purchase to fight me off, but it was useless. I was bigger and stronger and the power roared through my body, setting me on fire. Gripping her small wrists in one hand, I used my other to yank off her leggings. When I got to her panties, I wasted no time and ripped them off her body. Her whimper reached into my chest and squeezed my lungs, making it hard to breathe.

  Working my own pants off became almost impossible when every movement of my hand brought it up against the wet heat pouring from between her legs. She jerked every time I brushed against her pussy and at one point dislodged my mouth from hers. When I went back in she bit at my lips and nipped at my tongue. Each sharp bite pushed me closer and closer to the edge.

  When I was able to shove my jeans below my hips and free my dick, I nipped hard at her lips and leaned down to deliver a harsh bite to the nipple peaked against her t-shirt and thin bra.

  “Ow,” she gasped out. I looked up to check on her but stopped when she lifted her hips and connected her core to my bare dick, using her slick juices to slide up and down my cock. Stars burst before my eyes and I needed to regain control of the situation. I needed to teach her a lesson. I was going to fuck her into a whimpering mess.

  Letting go of her wrists, I sat back on my haunches and gripped her hips, flipping her over unceremoniously. When Ana’s round apple ass presented itself before me, I reached my hands over each cheek and squeezed. My dark hands against her pale, untouched skin gave me an idea. I pulled one hand back and brought it down on a heavy blow. I’d never spanked anyone before, but I sure as hell wanted to. I didn’t question every move like I did the first time I’d let loose on Ana. I gave in to the monster inside me and didn’t hesitate.

  Ana’s cry in shock was like an erotic song to my ears. Giving her a moment to tell me no, I pulled my hand back again and just stared at the perfectly red handprint that covered her luscious cheek. Fuck. I landed another blow and was met with another cry. I repeated the process with her other cheek until they each glowed a deep red and she despera
tely whimpered into the couch cushion, rolling her hips back to accept more.

  “I’m going to fuck you now. You want that?” I asked as I reached into my wallet to extract a condom. Her muffled response wasn’t enough and I asked again. “You want me to fuck you, Ana?”

  She turned her face and glared at me from the side of her eye. “You can try,” she muttered and bucked back, giving one last effort to fight me off.

  I laughed. Laughed because that was my Ana, always challenging me and never giving in. Laughed at how easy it was to shove her chest to the cushions and wrap an arm around her waist, lifting her sweet pussy to the perfect spot where I could shove my dick inside her on the first go.

  Her ass wiggled, trying to dislodge me when I pulled back, almost succeeding, but I gripped her hip hard and rammed myself back into her. I repeated the process slowly and then fast, but always hard and always as deep as I could get her to take me. Her warmth was like coming home. Her cries, barely audible from where her face was buried in the couch, were like my anthem. It filled my soul and made me feel like a man. The clench of her pussy dragging against my shaft was my anchor to remind me of who I was, even outside of the savage I only let free with her.

  Electricity sparked its way down my spine, straight to my balls, begging to be let loose. But I wanted to make her come, and I knew she was close, her cries coming closer together.

  “Come, Ana. I know you fucking want it,” I growled. Her head shook in denial, but I kept pushing. “Don’t deny me. I can feel your wetness dripping out of you, coating my balls. Such a slut.”

  I risked coming and picked up the pace with quick hard thrusts. I could feel the vibrations of her moans coming through her back. I kept pounding into her until her ass arched up so high, I thought I would slip out. Her hands gripped the arm of the couch so tightly, her knuckles turned white.