Shame

by Fiona Cole

  “Hey, man, she had it coming.”

  Isaac laughed and turned to me. “Anytime you want to get back at this jackass, just let me know.”

  “Yeah. Sure.” My answers were short as I tried to calm my heart rate and the amount of blood flushing into my cheeks. “Well boys, it’s time for me to head back. See ya.”

  Throwing a wave over my shoulder, I got the hell out of there. Before I turned the corner, I glanced back at Kevin and saw him give me a nervous nod.

  That was too close for comfort.

  Girls’ night started with us annihilating three pizzas. Once we were done with that, we painted our nails and watched Gilmore Girls and had to-the-death arguments about who Rory should choose. I was Team Jess through and through. He made me think of Kevin.

  No surprise, Jane was also Team Jess.

  Somewhere between our second and third episode of the night, Gwen broke open the liquor cabinet. She said her parents had so much alcohol they never knew what went missing as long as it wasn’t the good stuff. By the time the fourth episode was over, we’d each had at least four drinks. I would’ve worried for Gwen’s tiny body handling so much alcohol if I didn’t know the girl could drink most guys under the table. But it was enough for all of us to be brave and leap across the line of tipsy to drunk.

  “Let’s play truth or dare,” Jane shouted from her spot on the floor. We’d all piled into Gwen’s closed off bonus room on the other side of the house. And house was putting it lightly. It was more like a mansion with its eight bedrooms. Thank goodness for the distance between us and her parents’ bedroom because Gwen and Chloe each let out a loud ‘yes,’ and then began clapping in excitement. I took another hefty swig from my cranberry and vodka, then sat back, determined to go with the flow.

  “I’ll go first,” Chloe announced before tapping her fingers against her lips and looking over each girl as though searching for a secret to uncover. She zeroed in on Gwen. “Truth or dare?”

  “Hmmm. Let’s start this game off right. Dare.”

  Chloe let out a loud ‘whoop whoop!’ “Okay. I dare you to take two shots without using your hands.” When Gwen cocked an eyebrow up at her simple challenge, Chloe shrugged. “Don’t want to get too wild, too quick.”

  Gwen completed her task and turned to Jane. “Truth or dare?”

  “Truth.”

  “If Kevin walked in right now, would you fuck him, no matter what, even with us in the room?” My stomach churned at the image, but I hid it behind my cup as I took another long drink. I chanced a look over at Jane and she was watching me from the corner of her eye. “Oh, Ana doesn’t care,” Gwen said, waving her hand at me like it didn’t matter. “She’s just his friend. But what happens at girls’ night, stays at girls’ night,” she added, pointing at each girl.

  “Preach,” Chloe agreed before draining her cup.

  “Sure,” I said. It’s not like I would’ve told Kevin anything anyway. These were my friends, whether we were in a rough patch or not.

  “Then, hell yes, I would,” Jane admitted, even adding in a little shiver with her heated smile.

  I took another drink until my alcohol was gone. I stood up to mix another one and the room spun under my feet, but I managed to make it back to the couch with no spills. “Ana,” Jane called me out. “Truth or dare?”

  I weighed the pros and cons of each and took another drink. I settled on being brave. “Dare.”

  “I dare you to flash your boobs to all of us.”

  My body shuddered, and I scrunched my face in discomfort. But Jane’s dare was met with hollers and cheers. What the hell? They were just boobs and we all had them. I gripped the bottom of my shirt and even did a slow belly roll to the music in the background, pretending to perform a striptease for them. Then, quick as could be, I flipped my top up and pulled it back down.

  “Whooooo. Yeah, baby!” Gwen’s yell mixed with Chloe’s catcall.

  “I always wondered what small tits looked like,” Jane said with a shrug before sipping from her cup. I swallowed back the bitter retort. She wanted it to come off as a joke, but I knew she didn’t like me, and that she was jealous of how close I was to Kevin.

  “Hey,” Gwen cried. “Her boobs are much bigger than mine. Don’t be knocking the itty bitty titty club. Not that you’re in it with your boobs. I mean, what are they a C? Jane has to have at least a double D. And Chloe, are you an A?”

  “A B cup, bitch. Don’t downsize these bad boys,” she laughed while grabbing her breasts. Somehow, we’d fallen into a lecture about breast size so I decided to go ahead with my turn.

  “Chloe. Truth or dare?”

  “Truth.”

  I thought about it for a minute, wanting to give Chloe something to talk about it. I was all about winning the girls over tonight and I knew Chloe loved talking about herself. “What’s the craziest thing you’ve done with the most recent guy you’ve been sleeping with?”

  She was silent for a moment, pinching her lips in thought. “Playground,” she said.

  “What?” all three of us asked.

  “Play. Ground.” As though breaking it up into two words would help us understand. When we still just stared at her, she rolled her eyes. “We fucked in a playground tunnel.”

  Gwen fell to her side and laughed, holding on to her shaking stomach. Jane and I just stared at her with looks of confusion. “There is something morally wrong with that,” Jane muttered. “Kids play there.”

  “How does one get to a playground to have sex?” I asked.

  “We were driving around and I began giving him a hand job, but it was so good, of course, he had to pull over, and we happened to be by a playground. We couldn’t fuck in the car because it was a two seater and we couldn’t fuck on the car because we didn’t want people to drive by and see us. So, I had a brilliant idea to go to the playground. We ended up in the tunnel fucking.”

  She just stated it all so casually like she was giving me directions to her house. I couldn’t tell if I was shocked or impressed. Mostly impressed. You had to admire someone who had as much confidence like Chloe did.

  Once Gwen got over her fit of giggles we made more rounds of truth or dare. My stomach began to hurt from all the laughing. It might have also been from the alcohol, because an hour later the room was spinning while I was sitting down and our truths were getting a whole hell of a lot more truthful. The dares were also getting more intense. The last one ended with Chloe doing a body shot off Jane. She’d gone for a full show and straddled Jane and even locking lips when she sucked on the lemon wedged between her teeth at the end.

  “You’re welcome, Janey-baby. You just got what all the boys want.” Jane lay on the floor where Chloe had left her, shaking from laughing so hard.

  “Ooooh! I have an idea. Let’s share our dirtiest desires,” Gwen slurred out. Her suggestion was met with cheers and she turned to me. “Ana, you go first. What’s your deepest, darkest fantasy?”

  I closed my eyes and didn’t have to think too hard to remember earlier in the week. “To have a stranger sneak up behind me and pin me down and fuck me. Control me. To tie me up and spank me hard.” I took another sip and giggled into my cup before continuing my confession. “I would love to fight him and feel the sting of his hand on me. Have him call me dirty names and take what he wants.”

  A shiver broke out across my body, remembering the way it felt to have Kevin force himself inside me in one hard thrust. I bit my lip and looked up at the girls, taking a moment to bring their shocked faces into focus. Just seeing them all stare at me after the way Chloe admitted to fucking in a playground and then straddle Jane made me laugh. Once it started, I couldn’t stop. The others joined in slowly but eventually we all laughed.

  “That’s intense as fuck, Ana,” Gwen stated.

  “And detailed,” added Chloe.

  “Yeah. Are you talking from experience or a fantasy?” Gwen asked.

  “A girl never kisses and tells,” I mimed zipping my lips.

&nbs
p; “Oh, fuck you. A lady always shares the dirty deets,” Jane challenged.

  “God, what porn site are you on? Because I need to check it out,” Chloe muttered which brought us all back to laughing. God, we were a bunch of cackling hens.

  When it was the other girls’ turns, they were a lot more timid than I expected and met with rebuttals.

  “Oh you would never do it with two guys, Gwen,” Jane said.

  “You’re right, I wouldn’t.”

  When Chloe said she wanted to do missionary in a bed with a man she loves, there was momentary silence before Jane spit her drink across the room from laughing. “Hey! It’s crazy for me,” Chloe defended. “We all can’t be Ana with her filthy sex life over there.”

  And the attention was back on me. Even in my drunk state, I couldn’t have ignored the way Jane watched me with keen eyes. I didn’t know what she saw on my face, mostly because I couldn’t feel my face, but she didn’t seem happy with my confession. Oh well.

  “Says the girl who has sex in a playground tunnel,” I answered.

  Chloe shrugged. “You’re right. We can’t all have crazy sex lives like mine, either.”

  More confessions followed, but I’d done enough sharing for the night. I sat back and enjoyed the stories, feeling tired from all the alcohol. Even as I closed my eyes, just to give them a break, I listened to their ideas and ticked off the ones I’d already done with Kevin and the ones I wanted to remember to do with him later.

  Just like always, he was the last thing on my mind before falling asleep. No different than how it’d been for the last two years.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Kevin

  Spring break had finally arrived and I couldn’t have been happier for the week Ana and I would basically have alone. We’d been sneaking around for the past few months and between soccer practice and our parents, we didn’t have much alone time. However, when we did, we took advantage of it. And I was always careful to make sure we never got caught, even if the illusion of it remained. Having someone catch us and possibly take a photo of the senator’s son would be the end of everything.

  But all that mattered was that she trusted me. Her trust in me allowed her the freedom to bask in the excitement and pleasure. Every small part of her giving in to me fueled my need. Made me feel like king of the world.

  So, having so much time over spring break filled my chest to almost bursting. I tapped my fingers on my desk knowing Ana would be there any minute since I’d watched her leave her room. Before she arrived, I rushed to open my laptop and brought up the video I’d been watching earlier.

  That was how Ana and I worked. We would sit together and search sites for videos and get ideas for the things we wanted to try. Watching porn had always been a quiet moment in the dark, my heart racing, hoping no one would find out. But with Ana, it was a whole new world and it turned me on to watch her react to the depraved things we found to watch. In our Google searches, we’d stumbled upon endless websites dedicated to others who enjoyed some of the things that we did. Reading the forums released a vice that had been around my chest since I’d had my first fantasy.

  And I wasn’t alone.

  I knew I wasn’t alone because I had Ana, but there was a whole community before me that told me I wasn’t alone and that it wasn’t something to feel so disgusted about. Some sites were more extreme than others, but in our searches, Ana and I learned so much. We found keywords to help us understand each other and ourselves better. However, my relief only stretched so far. When we discovered the words to describe our interests, the definition for sadism sparked a fear in me.

  Sadism: the tendency to derive pleasure, especially sexual satisfaction, from inflicting pain, suffering, or humiliation on others.

  I’d stared at the words until they blurred. One simple definition to explain me, yet I wanted to look at it and scream ‘No!’ that wasn’t me. I would never hurt anyone. But then I looked over at Ana to see the red mark left behind on her chest from my teeth, and felt the twitch of my dick in my pants at the memory of her cry, and I knew it was true.

  The vice that had been released, slapped back on tighter than before, and if it hadn’t been for Ana there calming me, I would’ve had a panic attack right then and there. She’d repeated her usual words, reminding me of who I was as a human and that all of me wasn’t defined by my pleasure. She threw the fact that she was a masochist back at me, and said that if anyone tried to hurt her outside of her consent, she would fucking murder them. The fire in her eyes had made me laugh and eased my conscience, if only a little.

  Ana’s approaching footsteps drew me back to the screen before me. I knew she was at my door, but I didn’t turn to greet her or say anything, just sat there and watched the scene playing out.

  “Is that what you want?” she asked quietly. But it was in the quiet that I heard the excitement, the hope that it was.

  Not answering, I opened my arm and beckoned her to sit on my lap. Once she’d settled, I leaned in and dragged my nose up her neck to bite at her jaw, then sat back to watch with her. The screen showed a woman, naked and on her knees, with a belt around her neck. The man used it as a leash to hold on to as he fucked her from behind.

  “You missed the part where she sucked him off as she prodded his asshole,” I whispered in her ear, watching goose bumps spread down her neck. She didn’t answer, just swallowed hard and kept her eyes glued to the couple. Loving the way she struggled to control her breathing with long deep inhales and exhales, I decided to see if I could break her fight for control.

  I slipped my hand under her skirt and trailed the calluses of my fingers up her firm thigh. She didn’t change her breathing, but she did tighten her legs together, and I had to fight a chuckle at her efforts. Digging my pointer finger into the soft tissue, I heard her first break in regulating her breaths and pried her legs apart, continuing my journey.

  When I reached the wet heat soaking through her panties, I flicked my finger across her clit, making her jerk on my lap. I rubbed harder and harder as the woman’s cries filled the room and Ana’s breaths sawed in and out of her parted lips. She was close to coming, but I wasn’t ready for her to finish.

  “Get up,” I ordered. She stood before me with her hands clenched in front of her and I took in her beauty. The beauty of her trust in me, the beauty that she would stand before me and give me everything I’d ever wanted. She humbled me, allowed me a freedom I didn’t think existed. It was in those moments I questioned myself, if I was doing the right thing, if I was going too far. But looking up into her eyes filled with a heated fire begging me to release, I knew I could trust her in return. “Strip.”

  Ana bit her lip and moved to take off her yellow t-shirt to reveal the white lace bra beneath that hinted at her pale nipples. Next, she stripped her skirt off and I groaned at the simple white cotton panties with a wet spot I’d helped put there. She tossed them aside and quickly removed her bra and underwear with a hesitance I was almost embarrassed to admit turned me on.

  “All of that glorious, soft skin is my property.” She nodded quickly but didn’t say anything. Swallowing, I started the scenario we had decided on, hoping it was everything we wanted. “Bend over and touch your toes. I want to take a good look at what I own.”

  Her chest shook on her nervous inhale, but she did as I said, and I was greeted with the most amazing view of Ana’s wet, pink pussy sitting below her tight rosette. “I want to collar you,” I growled out. The words were still so new and sometimes felt like a script I didn’t fully understand. But they felt right, and I said them with a confidence I didn’t always feel.

  Looking at her bared to me, so open, I couldn’t control myself. I stood behind her, dragging a finger from her clit, through the wetness at her opening and up to her tight hole. Her cheeks clenched when I rimmed her with my fingertip. “Not yet, for this. But some day,” I promised. “Stand up.”

  Ana stood and her back connected with my front where she remained as I undid my belt
. The clink of my buckle exploded in the quiet room, mixing with our heavy breathing. We knew what the sound meant. Ana knew what I was about to do and the excitement was almost deafening.

  “Turn around.” I barely got the words out around the lump in my throat from nerves. “Kneel,” I said once she faced me. “Now undo my pants, and then I’ll put this leash around my property. Wouldn’t want you running away.”

  Her lips quirked up at that before she got to work on freeing my dick that was straining against the denim. When my pants fell to my feet, I stepped out of them and gripped her chin, lifting and exposing her neck. I dragged the leather along the soft skin of her neck and slowly slipped the material into the buckle, taking my time to tighten it. When it was just loose enough to get two fingers between it and her neck, I latched it closed.

  “Now suck me.” Holding tight to the end of the belt, I didn’t take my eyes off her as she leaned in and wrapped her lips around my dick, sinking down as far as she could go. My arm began pulling the belt, guiding her head with it wrapped around her neck as she dug her nails into my thigh while I thrust in and out of her mouth. When I was close, I pulled it taught and stepped back. “I need to fuck you,” I breathed out.

  “Please. Please, Kev.” Her cheeks were flushed and her nipples peaked, begging for my attention. I reached to give them a hard pinch before moving to grab a condom. When I turned, Ana had already fallen to her hands and knees, waiting for me to give her what she wanted.

  I grabbed hold of the end of the belt again and wrapped it taught around my fist and fell to my knees behind her. Making sure she was wet enough, I dragged my fingers through her slit to find her plenty ready for me. I grabbed my dick and lined it up with her pussy, shoving in until my balls rested against her, relishing the way her cries mixed with my groan. “Please, Kevin,” she begged me. I couldn’t deny her anything. Without any finesse, I began fucking her with abandon, shoving in and out, listening to the slap of our bodies colliding with the force of my thrusts.