Shame

by Fiona Cole

  I turned away from our group, gazing out at the rest of the patrons. I lifted the beer to my lips and froze. The glass nearly slipped from my fingers when I saw her back by the pool tables.

  Ana.

  Holy fuck. Ana.

  Ana, Ana, Ana, Ana.

  Her name echoed in my head. She held her drink to her chest as a guy twirled her around in a circle. She stepped back and swiveled her hips, dancing away from him.

  My whole body froze as I held my breath watching her. When she tipped her head back and laughed, exposing her long neck, it was as though an electric shock jolted through my body and kick-started my heart. I had spent hours kissing, sucking, and biting that neck. My heart hammered in my chest, trying to keep up with my lungs, which were doing their best to fight off the hyperventilation my panic was inducing. I stood stock still, not moving, as my whole body burned with the need to run to her and wrap her in my arms. Nothing but a ringing sounded in my ears, the whole bar fading away, until a loud cheer from behind me erupted, piercing my bubble.

  Everyone in the bar turned to look at whatever caused the noise. Everyone. Including Ana. In slow motion, her laughing face turned toward me and as if I had a pull on her, her eyes landed directly on mine. Her smile slipped away. She squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head. When she opened them, I was still there. Her arms fell to her sides and she just stood there, staring at me as I stared at her.

  It was as though we were the only people in the bar. Despite the distance, I recognized the gray-blue eyes that haunted my dreams. Even from a distance, I could still read them.

  My heart skipped a beat when her shoulders lifted with a heavy sigh and one side of her lips tipped up. I smiled back, just as someone slammed into me, pulling me from our moment. My arms immediately wrapped around the tiny force that almost took both of us down and collided with Katelyn’s glazed eyes. “Hey, handsome,” she slurred.

  Not answering, I looked up and saw Ana still watching with a furrowed brow before the guy that twirled her earlier got her attention. He said something and Ana nodded. She set her drink down and they began making their way to the door, which was behind me.

  My world began to tilt and I didn’t know if it was from the alcohol or from the fact that I’d stopped breathing as I watched her approach. When they got close enough, Katelyn spoke, making me jump, having forgotten she was still hanging on me. “Hey, Andrew. Long time no see.”

  The guy with his hand on Ana’s lower back stopped and acknowledged Katelyn. “Oh, hey Katie. Fancy seeing you here.” He came over to us. Katelyn responded, but I didn’t hear it. My eyes, my entire focus, remained solely on Ana.

  I watched her throat work up and down with a swallow before her lips parted. “Hi,” she whispered. The word wrapped around me and sank inside me with the comfort only Ana could bring. This was my best friend. The person I’d shared everything with. The person I missed more than anything. I thought I was good, but with just that one word, she made me feel better than I’d felt in three years.

  “Hey, Ana.”

  Katelyn and Andrew talked animatedly next to us while we stood frozen, taking each other in. She was more gorgeous than I remembered. She was a girl in my memories, but before me stood a woman. Her eyes held more experiences than when she’d left me, and I felt desperate to hear all of them. Her eyes were almost level with mine as she wore a pair of heels bringing her five foot seven body closer to six feet. She wore thick tights and a white dress that hugged her and displayed her breasts. I couldn’t look away.

  But then the scent of vanilla hit me. Purely Ana. I breathed it in and it sunk into my brain, evoking memories that began to crash over me. Her naked body beneath me, entwined with mine. The way her soft delicate skin felt beneath my fingers, the way it gave under my teeth. Her smile as she lay next to me on the lounger sharing the details of her day, her pinky locked with mine. All of it was too much and not enough.

  “Hey Kevin, this is Andrew,” Katelyn’s voice interrupted my thoughts and brought me back to the present. I didn’t want to look away from Ana, but social skills ingrained by my mother forced me to turn and give Andrew my attention. He offered his hand, and I begrudgingly took it. “We’ve had some classes together. Survived English two years ago. Brutal.”

  They both laughed and I wondered how well Andrew and Katelyn knew each other. She still had her arm wrapped around me, but showed a familiarity with Andrew like she did with me. Like she knew how he fucked.

  “Hey, Kevin. Nice to meet you. This is-.”

  “Ana,” I cut in. We didn’t need introductions. I didn’t know how long he’d known her, but he couldn’t know her like I did. He didn’t know how she tasted, how she laughed, or how she looked when she fought off tears because she was trying to be too strong to cry. He didn’t know her like I did.

  “You two know each other?”

  “We went to high school together,” Ana explained.

  Such a simple explanation. Too simple for what we were.

  Ana was the greatest and worst part of who I was. And she stood before me, reminding me of it all. I couldn’t help but wonder what she saw when she looked at me. Could she see the difference from the boy and the man? Or did she only see the past and how I’d hurt her? It was too much to take in, given the state of my alcohol-infused brain.

  Between the excited shock of seeing Ana and the alcohol burning through my veins, I struggled to find the words to say. I wanted to say anything to keep her there, but my tongue felt thick and my brain slow. “Let me . . . Let me buy you a drink.”

  “Actually, we were just getting ready to head out,” Andrew said, declining for her.

  Fuck. Fuck Andrew. My brain scrambled to come up with a different plan, but it stumbled over itself, unable to function past staring at Ana.

  “Bummer,” Katelyn said. “Maybe we can get together some time.”

  “Definitely.” Andrew tucked his arm around Ana’s waist, and I stood and stared. I knew what that waist felt like between my palms. How my thumbs rested right outside her belly button as I held her above me, thrusting up in her. I knew what it felt like when I held her while we danced. I knew what it tasted like.

  I stood helplessly, in too much shock to do anything but stare. The alcohol muddled my brain and she lifted her hand to say goodbye. She didn’t intend for me to see the way it trembled, but I did. “See you around, Kev.”

  Her eyes didn’t leave mine as she walked past me, only letting go when she got too far. But even then, she glanced back before walking out the door.

  Watching her disappear through the door slammed me with memories. The one where I sat on Isaac’s patio and watched her disappear into the house, not knowing it would be the last time I saw her. Her note asking me to leave her alone. All of it hit me with an icy blast, freezing me to the spot. She’s gone. My stomach clenched, the past tying it up in knots.

  I didn’t know how long I stared at the door, but when my name was called, Katelyn was gone and the beer I brought up to my lips was warm.

  “Earth to Kev.” Will waved his hand in front of my face and I blinked to bring him into focus. “Dude, you okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

  I had. The ghost of my past. It haunted me.

  Why was she there? Visiting? I’d never seen her before when she came home. How long would she stay? Where was she staying?

  Why hadn’t I asked any of those questions?

  Why hadn’t I apologized?

  What if I didn’t get another chance to beg for forgiveness like I’d been thinking of doing for three years?

  My glass hit the bar with a thunk and my legs were moving before I realized what I was doing. Bobbing and weaving, I made my way through the crowd as quickly as possible, hoping she was still outside. My legs felt numb and loose, the ground swaying in front of me.

  The cold air hit me as I burst through the door, but didn’t slow me down. Glancing side to side, I didn’t see her. I couldn’t find her blond hair or white dress. O
n a split-second decision, I turned left and began jogging down the street hoping to catch her. One street light after another, scanning every side street until my toe clipped the uneven pavement causing me to stumble. Reaching out to the lamp post, I steadied myself.

  My breath sawed in and out of my chest, large puffs of air releasing into the cold night. Turning in a full circle, I dug my fingers into my hair scanning every bench, looking as far as the light would let me.

  People stared at the crazy man who was stumbling through the streets past midnight with wide panicked eyes. I didn’t care. I needed all my attention to focus my blurry gaze and find her.

  I had to see her.

  I had to see her.

  I had to see her.

  I had to apologize. She needed to know how sorry I was. How much I regretted every mistake of that night more than three years ago.

  A shiver wracked my body and the cold finally began to penetrate my focus. Rubbing my arms, I looked around again and realized I’d managed to make it five blocks from the bar.

  “Fuck!” I shouted, digging my hands into my hair again and pulling. “Fuck.” People were giving me wide berth in case I was some psycho. I felt like one. Dragging my hand down from my head, I ran it across my mouth and admitted defeat.

  What if I’d missed her? What if I missed my one chance to make it right, to get my friend back? My body sagged, the alcohol making me tired.

  Somehow, I managed to make my way back to the bar. I didn’t look at anyone as I stumbled in and snagged my jacket. Thankfully, no one noticed me or stopped me to ask what the hell was wrong.

  I called a cab and got myself home, only to fall into my bed and replay the night over and over again, beating myself up for all the things I could’ve done differently.

  Her whispered “hi” played on repeat until, finally, my body gave out and I fell asleep.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Ana

  “Have you had any issues finding your way around campus? Did I do a good job giving you a tour?” Andrew asked as he walked me to class.

  “I’m doing okay. Probably because I had the best tour guide the university had to offer.”

  He flipped his imaginary hair dramatically. “What can I say? Maybe I’m missing my calling as a tour guide to become a lawyer.”

  “What will the world do without you?” I teased.

  “Get lost.” He laughed and placed his hand on my back as we approached the building where my class was. “I’ll make time for you though.” We’d stopped at the stairs and faced each other. I watched his hand come toward my face and brush my hair back behind my ear. We’d met when he’d given me the welcoming tour and then asked me to lunch. Andrew made me laugh, and I enjoyed his company. I could feel the attraction between us, but he’d been too much of a gentleman to push for more.

  Until that moment apparently.

  He leaned down, and I licked my lips before his connected with mine.

  He was soft and sweet, brushing my cheek with his thumb. His lips were thin and gentle, but a memory of full lips devouring mine made me pull back and end the kiss. I didn’t want to keep kissing Andrew when my mind was comparing him to Kevin.

  Ever since I’d run into him two weeks ago, he’d been on my mind despite my best efforts to not think about him.

  He’d haunted me a lot that first year of college and, slowly, life became easier. I’d wondered if he’d gone to UC like he’d planned, or if he’d changed his mind after I left and became a soccer star. I didn’t have to guess anymore.

  “I’ll see you later?” Andrew’s breath brushed across my lips and I nodded. He placed another soft kiss to my lips and walked away, leaving me to relive our first kiss. It was . . . nice. Not filled with passion, but we were in the middle of campus, and it was . . . nice.

  Shaking it off, I continued to class. I glanced around the room and made my way to the back, securing a corner seat, pulling out my books, and keeping my head down. I was rewriting some notes when the inevitable happened.

  “Hey, Ana.”

  His deep voice wrapped around me like it always did. It was no longer the voice of the boy who had been my best friend, but the voice of a man who still sent tingles down my spine. Classes had started earlier in the week and my heart had lodged in my throat when I saw him stroll into my calculus class. Thankfully, I had been in the back and he hadn’t seen me. Not that I didn’t want him to see me . . . I think. I just needed time to process having him so close.

  My head thumped and my brain went crazy with a mix of memories and possibilities that sent tingles through my limbs, making me a bumbling fool.

  Time to process being around him hadn’t helped. I was just as nervous and shaky as I was the first time I saw him walk into class.

  “Hey, Kev.” Looking up, I took in his jean-clad legs and long-sleeve Henley. Somehow, he managed to be bigger than I remembered, broader and taller. Wasn’t he supposed to have stopped growing? When I reached his face, I glimpsed his throat moving over a heavy swallow, hinting that maybe he was just as nervous as I was.

  “Didn’t think I’d see you again after running into you at the bar. Yet here you are, hiding in the back.” We stared at each other and I watched his eyes scan my body, taking me in. I didn’t think I’d changed much. Maybe my face had thinned out, but I wondered what he saw when he looked at me.

  Neither of us spoke, letting the silence stretch, not rushing to fill it. The class became louder as more and more people filed in, and he gestured to the seat next to me. “Seat taken?”

  I shook my head, “Go ahead.”

  “How long have you been here?” he asked once he settled into the seat that seemed way too small for him.

  “A couple of minutes.” I was being purposefully obtuse, avoiding the topic.

  “Ha. Ha. I meant home. How long have you been home?”

  Home. I still wanted to say a few minutes. Despite how everything had ended between us, being by his side, in his presence, still felt like home. I didn’t say that, though. “Since before Christmas.”

  He furrowed his brow, thinking over the timeline. “You transferred during senior year?”

  “My mom has ca—” My voice cracked over the word, and I had to clear my throat and try again. “My mom has cancer. I wanted to be closer to her.”

  “Ana.” He whispered my name and it comforted me in a way I hadn’t been expecting. “I’m so sorry.”

  My eyes burned and I blinked rapidly. Kevin had always made me comfortable enough to express my emotions and it was the same even after all our time apart. But right before class wasn’t the time to break down. “Thank you.”

  “Are you staying at home?”

  “No, I share an apartment close to campus with a girl who is almost always gone. I originally wanted to stay with my mom, but she wanted me to have the ‘full college experience.’” I hooked my fingers into quotes. “In the end, we agreed that she would accept a nurse aide coming to check on her.”

  He nodded, but the teacher walked in to start class and halted his response. I did my best to take notes and listen to what the teacher was saying, but having Kevin next to me was too big to ignore. I was surprised I didn’t pass out because I was barely able to regulate my breathing the whole class. When the professor finally released us, I wasted no time packing up my bag while trying to avoid looking over at Kevin.

  Tossing my backpack over my shoulder, I stood, ready to bolt. “See ya, Kev.”

  “Have lunch with me,” he blurted to my retreating back. “Please.”

  It took me a moment to consider all the options, but it was hard to find a negative when my whole body screamed at me to say yes. I only turned enough to glance over my shoulder at him. “Okay.”

  His smile lit me up and made my chest feel like it was going to explode and collapse all at once. “I have class, but maybe in two hours. The coffee shop at the University Center?”

  “Okay.” The word was barely out of my mouth before I was wondering
what the hell I was thinking.

  Opening the door to the University Center, I kept my head down and muttered a pep talk to myself about how it would all be okay. People gave me a wide berth since I looked like a lunatic, but I didn’t have time to worry about others. Calming my racing heart and trembling fingers took priority over social acceptance.

  Taking one last deep breath, I shook out my hands and looked up, lifting my chin high and unafraid before entering the coffee shop. My eyes immediately sought out Kevin and his still-perfect, chocolate hair. God, I was jealous of how effortlessly he ran his hands through his hair and it just stayed there, perfectly, waiting for me to do the same.

  Focus, Ana.

  Putting a smile on my face, I took a step toward the back and froze.

  The girl that clung to his side at the bar came from the back hall and landed on his lap. My jaw clenched, and iciness settled in my chest at seeing his easy smile and the way his hands held her waist.

  I hated her.

  The thought shocked me with how easy it formed. What was wrong with me? Where had that come from? I knew the feeling well from high school. Jealousy. But why now? I had no reason to be jealous of who Kevin spent his time with. We’d spoken to each other all of ten minutes in the past three years, and how it had ended didn’t scream “wait for me.”

  No matter the rationality of it, the feeling still settled around me, and it hurt. Looking away, I chickened out and decided to wait until she left. By the time I had ordered a drink, she was leaving. Kevin kissed her cheek but didn’t let his eyes linger as she walked away. He started to look down in his book, but stopped, instead lifting his head to scan the crowd as though he was looking for someone, as though he knew I was already there.

  “Black coffee, ma’am?” the barista pulled my attention back to the counter.

  “Yes. Thank you.” I grabbed my coffee and looked back over to find Kevin staring at me, his lips barely tipped up. I saw the smile in his eyes and the familiarity hit me in the chest. How many times had I found his eyes shining with the same happiness that I felt inside just by seeing him? Tears burned the backs of my eyes, and I looked down until I got them under control.