Three Hours Late
Page 22
‘God, he’s like a mad creature today,’ said Liz.
‘He’s just excited.’
‘Yes, well, we’re all excited when Policeman Dave comes over,’ laughed Liz.
She made her way to her box-filled bedroom.
Now she was counting down the days to moving home. Now the safety of her mother’s house was beginning to suffocate. Now she longed for the silence of her own space.
She and Luke were finally ready to face their empty house. There was new paint and a new carpet, even though the old ones had been perfectly good.
‘Start fresh,’ her father had said, and then he had painted over memories and changed the way everything looked with new carpet. Liz had stood in the centre of the room and couldn’t quite place Alex anywhere in the house. He didn’t belong there anymore.
‘Do you want me to get rid of his stuff?’ her father had asked.
‘Yes,’ replied Liz, but then, ‘No.’
‘I need to keep some stuff for Luke, Dad. I need to keep some stuff for his son.’
The box she kept held only the best memories, only the keepsakes that could not damage Luke.
In a week’s time they would move. Her father and her mother would come and help and so would Molly and Rhonda and Rebecca and some of the other women from the group. Liz visited occasionally now but she was in a different space to the women in the group. She could no longer nod her head in time with theirs.
Liz had wanted to protest that she didn’t need anyone’s help to move but those words did not sit comfortably with her anymore. She needed everyone’s help. She could not face this alone and she knew there was no need for her to do so. She called her parents for advice and asked her friends for help and listened to her psychologist.
At Alex’s funeral she had held on to her parents while Frank stared at a point above her head. He had lost his only child and, standing opposite him, Liz had not wanted to think about the possibility that she could have lost her only child as well.
They should have been bonded by the loss but Liz’s tears touched her lips with the salty taste of relief and Frank’s off-centre gaze held only accusation. He had not come up to her when it was all over. Her father had squared his shoulders and dared the man to approach.
Luke was not there, which everyone had agreed was for the best. Liz was grateful he would not have to see his father’s body being lowered into the ground. The sound of freshly turned soil hitting the wood forced a sob from her lips. He had chosen the wine and told her he loved her and begged her not to leave.
Luke wanted to know what had happened. Even though he remembered nothing he suspected something large as he surveyed the endless gifts that just kept coming. Once the news floated through the air, even strangers breathed in Liz’s joy at her son’s escape. They sent books and teddy bears which Luke declared were ‘for babies’.
There were three new blankies in the cupboard to replace the one that had covered Luke and soaked up his father’s blood.
The psychologist said it would take time. ‘Time and patience and a lot of love,’ she said.
‘No problem there,’ said Liz.
The world moved on and there were new words and ideas every day, but still ‘a lot of love’ seemed to be the solution for most things.
Luke thought the psychologist was a kind lady who liked to play games with him. Luke thought Policeman Dave came to play with him.
‘Maybe we should tell him a little bit of the truth,’ Ellen had said.
‘It will change who he is,’ said Liz. So they waited and said nothing, although Liz wrote it all down for him and one day she would give him the words that were still fresh, with memory and fear and heartache, and help him work his way through the truth.
‘What happened to Dad?’ he would ask every now and again.
‘He had an accident and he’s gone to live in heaven,’ was the reply they had all agreed on.
Liz sometimes looked ahead to a rebellious teenage Luke who would accuse her of driving his father away, of not loving the man enough, of being a bad wife. She welcomed the idea of a tall Luke who towered over her because at least she would have the chance to see it now. She would cope with whatever he threw at her.
Liz was prepared to accept her part in it all but could only be relieved at how it had all worked out. She would never know what stopped Alex using the gun on Luke but she would remain forever grateful. Forever grateful.
She had found a small piece of her love for him that she held on to and used to keep his memory positive for Luke.
Outside she heard a car door slam and knew that Dave had arrived. She stood brushing her hair and heard the doorbell ring and Luke talk about fish and sunscreen and the chocolate ice cream he had been promised.
It was just an ordinary day and they would join other families on the lake and Liz would be bothered by the flies and Luke would get irritating when he was tired and Dave would try to keep them both calm and happy because as far as Liz could tell that seemed to be his only agenda.
But sometime during the day, maybe right in the middle, Liz would close her eyes and remember that this was a future that might not have been.
She would take herself back to those hours and she would remember her certainty that her life was over.
And then she would open her eyes and say no to another ice cream and share a sandwich with Dave and watch the boats.
‘Hey, Mum,’ said Luke.
‘Hey Mum, hey Mummy, Mummy Mum, Mum,’ said Luke.
Acknowledgements
Many thanks, once again, to Ali Lavau for her editing expertise.
To Karen Ward for answering all my questions and helping me through the process.
To Jane Palfreyman for her patience and support.
As always to Gaby Naher, who reads and rereads and then reads again.
To my mother, Hilary, who is my beta reader, babysitter, counsellor and coffee date and who found a nice way to say, ‘You need to start again.’
And finally to David, Mikhayla, Isabella and Jacob. There is no need to yell, dear family, I’m always in the loft.
If you are feeling distressed and need to talk to someone immediately, the following telephone counselling services are available 24 hours, 7 days:
Lifeline—13 11 14
Suicide Call Back Service—1300 659 467
MensLine Australia—1300 78 99 78
You can also talk to your local GP or health professional.
If you would like some more general information about mental health or other services, you can contact the following:
SANE Australia—www.sane.org or 1800 18 SANE
(1800 18 7263)
beyondblue: the national depression initiative—
www.beyondblue.org.au or 1300 BB INFO (1300 22 4636)
Lifeline service finder (for local contacts)—
www.lifeline.org.au