There’s a horrifying, piercing sound coming from somewhere but I can’t decipher who or what it is. Its only when I see Natalie’s sympathetic face beside me that I realise the unnerving scream has been coming from my own mouth.
“Serena, you don’t need to see this. Come with me.”
She escorts me out of the room and closes the door behind us, splitting my heart in two and tearing my soul apart forever.
He’s gone.
He’s gone from my life and it will never be the same. He won’t forgive me for this and I can’t say I blame him. I took our future, destroyed it right in front of him and now I might not see him ever again.
It’s over.
He’s gone forever.
And things will never be the same…
Chapter Six
Present day…
I take a deep breath, trying to compose myself and gather my thoughts. My therapist watches me closely, observing the excruciating sorrow which still exists inside of me. It’s been a long time since I spoke about that day and everything that happened. It’s been a long time since I allowed myself to think about it.
“I think that’s enough for today.” She tells me, speaking softly. “You look exhausted and I don’t want to push this with you today.”
“What am I supposed to do now?” I ask her, wondering how I’m supposed to switch off my mind after this afternoon’s session.
“Go home and rest, run yourself a hot bath and relax. That’s all I can suggest for tonight.” She advises me responsibly, standing up from her seat.
“You really think a hot bath is going to help?” I snap bitterly. “Something as superficial as pampering myself will not fix this. It won’t fix me!”
“And what will?” She questions me. “Cole?”
“Yes.” I whisper. “Only him.”
“Go home and sleep. You really need it.”
She places a hand on my shoulder before opening the door to her office for me.
“I don’t think that will be possible.” I quip drily, turning my back on her in anger.
I leave the building and take the same walk past the park where I saw Cole the day before. Of course he’s not here and it’s not like he even saw me when I spotted him twenty-four hours ago. If he had done I wouldn’t even be here…
Today’s therapy session was particularly gruelling because I had to explain what happened the day I made that fatal phone call to the police. I had to describe everything that was said between us before we had to say goodbye and the agony that comes from reliving the worst day of my life is actual torture.
It’s not like I always listen to my therapist but I realise she was probably right when she suggested that I go home and rest. I barely have the energy to put one foot in front of the other, let alone anything else.
I come to a standstill as I walk dangerously close to the location where I caught a glimpse of Cole. It’s nearly six o’clock so the park is pretty empty, reminding me of a creepy setting of a horror movie or something. I shake the feeling off and fold my arms across my chest, walking with my head low as I make my way home.
I let myself into my small house, greeted by silence. I live alone now and that’s the way I like it. At least that way I don’t have to pretend. I lived with my best friend Lisa for about a year when I first came back home because my mum didn’t want anything more to do with me after I had ran away from Cole. She pretty much kicked me out and I would have been on the streets if it wasn’t for Lisa and her family who kindly took me in. I was forced to go back to college for the remainder of the year and I can’t even begin to explain how horrendous my final months were as a student. Everyone knew about Cole and the rumours about us having an incestuous relationship had circulated as soon as I returned.
I don’t know how that got leaked but I know it didn’t come from Lisa. I still trust her with my life and even though I don’t see her as much as I would like, I still consider her my best friend. She nursed me through those first few weeks when Cole and I were separated, making sure I ate and taking care of me when I needed her the most. She was with me through Cole’s sentencing and held me while I wept the night I found out how many years he would spend in prison.
Three.
I couldn’t believe they had given him such a long custodial and fell apart all over again once the police told me there would be no appeal. Cole had pleaded guilty and they said he had told his solicitor that he would accept the sentence which the judge had given.
I think that broke my heart more than anything because it meant he had given up. He had given up on his freedom and that’s what broke my heart all over again.
My fellow students continued to torment me but it no longer seemed to matter. They would throw things at me as I came to and from school, the girls would call me a whore and the guys would treat me like one. Everyone despised me except Lisa, even my teachers seemed to think I was worthless. They seemed to think I had brought everything upon myself and also disliked the fact that Cole and I had brought shame to their school and reputation.
I would cry myself to sleep most nights and lost so much weight because I couldn’t eat anything. I was aching for someone I could not be with and the hollow pain inside my chest grew more and more each day. Natalie, the police inspector was incredible throughout and I would turn to her when I felt like I could go to no one else. We eventually came friends and she still keeps in touch which is extremely kind of her but also serves as an unbearable reminder of the first day that we met.
It was my eighteenth birthday the day I brought an end to my relationship with Cole, my eighteenth birthday when my life came to an end. Of course I make sure I eat enough, sleep enough and make it through each day but inside… I’ve died. My body still exists but my soul is far too damaged. I struggle to form any kind of relationship and even when I try to, they resemble something I have no interest in. No one has managed to fulfil me and awaken that fire which was ignited in me so many years ago. No one comes close to him and I now realise this is the reason I’ve stopped looking for someone to replace him.
I switch on the kettle before I start to run my bath, making sure I add lots of bubbles and light a couple of candles. I plan on ordering some food later on because I don’t even have the energy to cook and look forward to submerging myself in the water before I eat. I haven’t had anything all day and my stomach rumbles, reminding me that I must still take care of the physical part of myself.
A part of me wishes I didn’t have to, a part of me longs for the day I can just curl up and disappear, leaving this world and everyone in it.
The sad thing is I don’t remember how it felt before. I can’t remember how it was before Cole and now that he’s gone, I don’t know how to get that feeling back. I’m a wreck. I’m a wretched, dangerous, incomplete disaster and I’m pretty sure that will never change. I’m twenty-four years old but I know my life is over. I’m nothing and I have no purpose. There is no place for me in this world and the knowledge which accompanies such dark thoughts is what keeps me awake at night.
Today is Friday and I close my eyes, pretending that I have a fun and active weekend to look forward to instead of the emptiness in front of me. I would give anything to have a full and active life, preoccupied with dating, friends, shopping and laughter.
Instead… I feel nothing.
I’m a shell of the girl I used to be and now I’m a young woman in her twenties I have no more excuses. Lisa has a partner and she’s been with him for the past four years, they’re trying for a baby and I’m sure her life will be complete as soon as it happens. They’ve been trying to conceive for over a year so I know she’s a little concerned about why it hasn’t happened yet.
Lisa’s fiancé is called Stewart and he’s some powerful CEO of a company which I still don’t know the name of. He’s away often and when he travels my best friend takes the opportunity to invite me to stay with her for a few days. Their house is luxurious and big enough for six, let alone two of them. I
enjoy going to stay with her but we don’t talk about the past when I visit. We haven’t spoken about what happened for a couple of years now and I don’t know whether I’m thankful or frustrated about that.
I’m sure Lisa thinks she’s helping me by not mentioning Cole or what happened when he was released from prison three years ago but she’s the only one besides my therapist and Natalie who I can speak to about it. She’s the only one who knows the true extent of my suffering and sometimes I long to share that with her.
I’m due to see her next weekend when Stewart is away and now that I’ve seen Cole, I’m grateful it’s not tomorrow. I know I shouldn’t go back to the park where I saw him and I know I should stay far away from him but I simply don’t have the strength to.
If he’s here then that means he knows I’m close by. He follows me whenever I move and this time it’s not taken him very long to seek out my exact location. I can feel his presence and it’s enough to draw me to him. That magnetic force which once existed between us is still present and there’s nothing I can do to erase it.
He will come soon, I have no doubt about that and all I can do until then is wait...
Three years earlier…
Twenty-one.
That’s how old I am today. Twenty-one years old and I couldn’t be happier.
Ok, maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration.
Ok, maybe that’s a complete lie.
I’ve tried to ignore the truth about today but now that it’s actually here… I don’t think I can pretend anymore. A few of the girls from work want to take me out after we’ve left the office for a meal and a few drinks but I can’t think of anything worse.
I know that might sound odd but the idea of having to sit there with a fake smile on my face all night is enough to drive me insane. I don’t think I have the endurance to pretend for that amount of time. The best I can normally do is a few minutes.
“Serena, you have to celebrate your twenty-first birthday. You just have to!” My work college Corrine wails, sitting on my desk so she can swing her legs back and forth.
“Corrine, I’m really not in the mood, ok?”
“How can you not be in the mood to have fun on your birthday? Besides, you have no excuses seeing as its Friday and you’re twenty-one. That’s still a big deal, Serena. You deserve to do something special.”
“All I want to do is go home and relax.” I argue, feigning a yawn as I glance at the clock behind her.
“You can spend the rest of your weekend at home relaxing but tonight we’re going to party and I won’t take no for an answer.”
She jumps off my desk and shoots me a look which warns me not to challenge her about this anymore. She’s made her mind up and Corrine is not the type of person you say no to. I sigh heavily, raking my fingers through my hair as I check my phone for a new message.
I got a birthday text from Lisa this morning and another one from Natalie which I thought was incredibly thoughtful of her. She still takes the time to check up on me each year and I know I’m lucky to have someone in my life like her.
They’re the only two people I will hear from today and I don’t know why I’m so surprised. It’s not like anyone else even has my phone number so it’s not possible that I would hear from someone else … it’s impossible.
And yet I still check my phone.
God, I’m such a mess, an absolute mess and I don’t know how to change that. It’s been three years since I last saw him, three years since I was sent home and had to move in with Lisa, three years since Cole went to prison.
The police promised they would notify me once he was nearing the end of his sentence and that’s exactly what they did three months ago. Natalie called me one Saturday morning and asked if she could meet me in town for coffee, I was quite surprised to hear from her because I knew she had been so busy with work but went to meet her as soon as I hung up the phone.
Natalie told me that Cole was not allowed to make contact with me and if he did I was to notify the police immediately. She made me promise that I would call her if I saw him and I felt compelled to listen to her advice. Natalie made a point of keeping herself up to date with Cole’s custodial sentence and although she didn’t tell me anything of real significance, she did mention the fact that he was being made to serve his three years. I guess that means he must have been in some trouble or involved himself in some fights or something, otherwise he would have been released much sooner.
I guess he still hates me and I guess he still wants to come looking for me. That’s the only reason why Natalie would demand that I let her know anything about him and I can’t help myself from wondering if Cole’s time in prison has changed him into someone or something I won’t recognise. He always had that dark side to him and I can only hope and pray that he hasn’t become more dangerous, or that he would want to hurt me.
“Serena, we’re ready to go!” Corrine squeals excitedly as soon as I exit the building.
There’s six of them waiting for me outside and I inwardly groan, realising that I really stand no chance of getting out of this.
“I think I should go and get changed, don’t you? I don’t want to go out in my work clothes.” I say, hoping it might give me a chance to sneak away quietly.
“I guess I should change my outfit as well but don’t even think about making any excuses when you get home. You’re coming out with us and we’re going to have an amazing time, ok?”
“I guess I really don’t have a choice in the matter.” I say, smiling weakly.
“That’s right! We’ll you soon.”
We arrange to meet outside my apartment in a couple of hours which will be enough time for me to take a bath and get changed. I’ve been dreading the thought of going out all day but now that I’m faced with the prospect, I’m actually looking forward to it.
I’d love to invite Lisa but I know she’s going away for the weekend with Stewart. They’ve been dating for about a year now and she’s head over heels in love with him. I’m sure she’s convinced herself that he’s going to propose to her this weekend and a part of me hopes that her instincts are right. However, there’s another part of me which misses my best friend. I understand that she’s not going to stay single forever and one day she will get married and start a family of her own but I also wonder where that will leave me.
I open my closet in search of something to wear and decide on the little black dress I bought a year ago and haven’t even worn yet. I’d made the purchase with the intention of wearing it to go out on a date with a guy Lisa tried to set me up with but I cancelled at the last minute and the dress stayed inside my wardrobe.
I’ve found it impossible to get close to anyone since Cole and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. Sure, I talk to guys and flirt with them outrageously but never take it any further. I’ve not slept with anyone since Cole and can’t even kiss someone without feeling nauseous. It’s as though that part of me is reserved for one person and one person alone.
The one I can’t have.
Submerging myself in the water, I breathe a sigh of relief. I’ve had a stressful week at work because of my looming birthday and the memories I’m plagued by on a daily basis. Maybe Corrine was right about going out tonight, I might end up having a good time if I decide to loosen up a little and have some fun.
Corrine and a couple of the others girls from the office meet me outside my apartment just after eight. They’ve already got a taxi waiting and the four of us hop in and head into town and I’m informed that we’ll be meeting the others at a restaurant they’ve already picked out before going onto some new bar which has opened in the centre of town.
I consider making up an excuse as to why I can’t go onto the bar with them afterwards but I’m pretty certain that Corrine and her posse won’t hear of me leaving early. Deciding to go with the flow and forget about all of my problems, I sit back and try to engage myself with their excitement.
“Serena, I think you should know that Corrine has
invited Kevin tonight.” Charlotte whispers as soon as I step into restaurant.
I barely know Charlotte but she’s a lot quieter than Corrine and the others. She makes a point of taking me to one side and away from the group so she can speak to me in private and I’m grateful she’s taken the time to do so.
“Are you serious?” I ask, preparing myself for the worst.
“I think she’s still fixated on the idea of setting the two of you up together.” She replies, glancing at Corrine who isn’t even aware that we haven’t followed her inside.
“It’s never going to happen.” I retort firmly, folding my arms across my chest.
“Try telling Corrine that.”
“Believe me, I will.”
We walk into the restaurant which is packed and find the others who have somehow managed to grab the centre table. I groan when I see Kevin sitting beside Corrine and realise that the empty seat next to him is meant for me.
She tried to fix me up with Kevin several months ago when I first started working with them at the office. I could tell he would interested but made sure I did absolutely nothing to encourage his advances. However, this only seemed to enhance his enthusiasm and it wasn’t until I took him aside at the Christmas party and told him it was never going to happen that he finally listened to me.
I have no idea why he came along tonight seeing as he’s the only man here and I’m also furious with Corrine for putting me in this situation on my birthday.
“Hi, Serena.”
He greets me with uncertainty, moistening his lips as though he’s afraid of my response.
“Hi, Kevin. I didn’t know you were going to be here.”
I make a point of shooting a scathing look to Corrinne, furious with her for playing with Kevin and embarrassing me in front of everyone.
“Corrine invited me.” He says, smiling weakly.
“I figured.”
Taking my seat next to him, I prepare myself for a horrendous evening. Little did I know it was about to get worse…
“So how does it feel to be twenty-one?” Kevin asks, opening the door for me as we all leave the restaurant.
That Summer (Part Two) Page 9