Secrets of My Hollywood Life #5: Broadway Lights

by Jen Calonita

  "Kaitlin?" Parker, one of the pages working on the show, comes running up to me. "I saw Liz outside and let her in early to go to her seat. She has tickets for the dress rehearsal and the live show, right?"

  "Yes, thank you, Parker." I smile gratefully, and Sky sighs loud and deep.

  "No prob." He falls in with us walking down the hall toward the stage. "You guys ready to run through this number one more time before dress rehearsal?"

  "I have a wig issue," Sky starts, but I cut her off.

  "We're ready." Parker must sense the tension because he takes his cue to head off ahead of us. "Your wig is fine," I say through clenched teeth.

  "The hair and the costume together make me look poofy," Sky pouts and tries smoothing down the costume to shrink it. It doesn't work.

  "That's the point," I remind her. "You're playing Ava, not yourself. Do you think I like my wig?" I point to the mega-teased dark brown wig I'm wearing that is supposed to make me look like Lauren.

  "Yours is worse," Sky agrees happily.

  I sigh. "Let's go."

  Ten minutes later the two of us are singing and tap-dancing on stage in our giant Skittles costumes. A tiny, yappy Pomeranian--standing in for Ava's equally yappy dog, Calou--howls along on command next to us. The song is absolutely hysterical, if I do say so myself. The writers came up with this biting ditty that makes Lauren and Ava sound like total paparazzi-crazed airheads, which, well, they are. Our number is supposed to be a Skittles commercial that Lauren and Ava have signed on to do because they're cash-strapped now that their reality shows have bitten the dust. The funniest part about the bit is that Lauren and Ava don't realize that the song they're singing is not just about the candy, it's about themselves. At the last minute, legal made us change the name of the candy from Skittles to Skirtles to avoid any lawsuits from the candy company. I wouldn't want my product compared to Lauren and Ava either.

  At the end of the skit everyone on the soundstage actually gives us a huge round of applause, which only gets me more pumped up for tonight. I know I'm trying to be nice and calm and not be catty like they are, but I have to admit, it is fun to slip into the girls' barely worn shoes for a few minutes. And Sky kills as Ava. Afterward, we get ready to do our dress rehearsal in front of a live audience.

  HOLLYWOOD SECRET NUMBER EIGHT: Saturday Night Live is actually taped in front of a dress rehearsal audience and then airs live in front of a different studio audience a few hours later. The dress rehearsal audience sort of serves as last-minute testers of each skit--if the number gets no laughs, or bombs, then it could be pulled entirely. Every number can get tweaked up till the last second on the show. On occasion, encore showings of an episode are different from the original broadcast that airs that night. If something goes majorly wrong during the live broadcast--a musical act goes off the deep end and does something censorable, a comic curses, or a number plays better in dress rehearsal--it may be replaced with the dress rehearsal version in later showings.

  For the most part, our sketches get a ton of laughs, especially one where we play our Family Affair characters as eighty-year-olds living in a celebrity assisted living center. The two of us think we're our characters, not ourselves. The one sketch that bombs and winds up getting dropped is a number where Sky and I play karaoke singers who perform at a fried chicken pizzeria (don't ask). Our digital short with Andy Samberg--possibly my favorite thing we've done all week--has Sky and me playing his dream girls. All in all, I'm feeling pretty good as I head off to grab something quick to eat in my dressing room with Liz and my family before we get ready for the live show. Then my phone vibrates with another text.

  DYLAN'S CELL: Hey, lovely. The bloke at the door will let me slip in before live show starts. Going to dash from our show. Good luck! UR going to nail the Skirtles number.

  KAITLIN'S CELL: Thanks 2 U! U ran play and SNL lines w/ me all week. How can I thank U?

  DYLAN'S CELL: Lunch tomorrow? My treat.

  KAITLIN'S CELL: You treated the other day! My turn. Least I can do 4 all UR help.

  DYLAN'S CELL: Don't mention it. C U later. I will be the bloke in the jumper. Heard the studio is cold. Don't want 2 freeze my arse off!

  "Who is that?" Sky asks, hearing me laugh. She peeks her head nosily over my shoulder as we keep walking down the hall. We've both changed out of our costumes and are in comfy C&C California drawstring pants and tees. I'm in a green tee and black pants; Sky is in a peach tee and tan pants. We both got the outfits at an L.A. gift suite. I can't remember which one. "Is that Dylan again?"

  "So what?" I sound defensive. Why? "He was just checking up on me. I think it's nice." I wish my boyfriend would have found more time to do the same. I barely spoke to him all week even after we had the most amazing weekend in Los Angeles. Austin knows how much SNL means to me. Why is he acting so distant?

  "Dylan is into you," Sky clasps her hands and makes googly eyes at me.

  "No, he's not!"

  "He so is," Sky counters. "You've been practically joined at the hip all week in between rehearsals, which has been so annoying, by the way."

  "He knows I have a boyfriend." I'm getting flustered. I know she's right that we've spent a lot of time together.

  "That doesn't stop everyone," Sky points out. "Some guys go after girls who are taken, you know. And who knows? Maybe you're sending him mixed signals."

  "I am not!" I tell her hotly.

  "Are you sure you're not, because that kiss at the charity booth seemed sort of hot." Sky is actually wagging a finger at me now. "Plus you get this goofy smile on your face every time you talk about him."

  "That's just because he's been such a good friend." He has! Dylan's got the play to worry about and yet he's spending all his free time making sure I'm not too overwhelmed. He even brought me lunch at my SNL rehearsal yesterday because he knew I didn't eat at the play rehearsal. He remembers every little detail I tell him, from what show I watched on TV the night before to what book I'm trying to read during my car rides (the latest Jodi Picoult. So sad).

  Sky won't let up. "I think you feel something for him."

  "I don't feel anything," I protest. I try walking ahead of her, but she reaches my dressing room at the same time as me.

  "Look, K, I've been in a lot of relationships..."

  I interrupt her. "Really? I haven't noticed," I snap.

  "And one thing I know is when people are into each other," Sky says, looking at herself in a mirror and primping her long, black hair. "You've got a thing for Dylan whether you're with Austin or not. That's what this all boils down to--Dylan is here and is giving you the attention you crave, and Austin's far away and is barely picking up the phone. It's not your fault. It was bound to happen. I'm sure Austin will be the same way when he goes to camp and..." A catering person walks by with a tray of goodies. "Oh look! Brownies! See you in a few, K!"

  I'm left standing in the hall feeling anxious and worried.

  DYLAN'S CELL: Are you going to the after-party? Want some company?

  I stare at my iPhone in alarm. Dylan's just being friendly, right? I thought that's what we were. Friends. But is Sky right? Am I sending Dylan the wrong signals? Why would I do that? I'll ignore his text for the moment and worry about the after-party later. I can't get myself worked up before the show. Everything's been going so smoothly up until now, even with my crazy week. I survived Mom's charity event and a ton of photo shoots and interviews, and made it through double rehearsals every day. Even Riley didn't bother me too much, probably because I was too tired to get upset about her nitpicking. ("Forest, didn't you tell Kaitlin to stand six feet from the desk, not eight?") I can't worry about what Dylan is or isn't feeling. Instead I call my boyfriend. He picks up on the first ring, but I can barely hear him because there is so much commotion in the background. Loud music is playing and people are laughing and talking.

  "Burke? Can you hear me?" Austin yells over the noise. "Let me find somewhere quieter to talk." Two seconds later, I hear a door shut and the
noise is more muffled. "That's better. Hey, are you still there? Listen, sorry about before."

  "I'm sorry too." Hearing his voice makes me feel instantly calmer. We seem to be saying "I'm sorry" a lot since we've been apart. "I'm sorry I forgot to call. Sorry I didn't tell you. Sorry, sorry, sorry."

  "Where are you?" I ask. "Are you at a party?"

  "Sort of, " Austin admits. "Most people moved in earlier this weekend and tonight they're having a get-to-know-your-roomies bash in the common area. The dorms here are pretty nice. People seem cool too. The best part: Murray and I have our own bathroom, so we're pretty stoked."

  "I would be too." I try to picture what Austin's new home away from home looks like, but I can't. I realize I never even asked to see the camp brochure he kept mentioning to me. I will have to Google it later.

  "So it's got to be almost time for you to go on," Austin continues. "Mom is taping it for me. She was worried the camp wouldn't have a TV set up yet, but there is one. It's just, um, overrun at the moment, but I spoke to my RAs and they're letting me use the one in their room, so I'll be cheering you on live, even though you can't hear it."

  "Thanks." I'm touched. "Knowing you're watching will keep me on my game."

  "You're on your game even if I'm not watching," Austin tells me. "Liz texted me to say you killed at the dress rehearsal. Especially your Skirtles number. I can't wait to see it."

  "Hey, you even got the new name of the candy right," I point out. I check my watch. I haven't made it to dinner with everyone and there is still so much I want to go over before the live show. I don't know whether I'll have time. "You do pay attention."

  "Always, when it concerns you," he says, and I grin.

  "Kaitlin?" It's Parker again. I cover the phone and nod at him. "We need you on set for a moment to check lighting again."

  "Sure. I'll be there in a second." I take my hand off the microphone and go back to Austin. "I've got to go."

  "AUSTIN! COME ON!" A chorus of male and female voices shouts, and I hold the phone away from my ear to keep from going deaf.

  "I'm on with my girl, guys," I hear him say. "I'll be a sec."

  Aww... his girl. And he said that in front of other girls! "You've got to go too," I tell him. "Call me after if you're up, otherwise I'll call you in the morning."

  "Knock 'em dead, Burke."

  "Thanks." I smile. "I will."

  The next forty-five minutes before the show are a blur of final checks, costume stuff, and last-minute notes. Before I know it, Sky and I are standing backstage while the opening skit--a political number that we aren't in--plays out. I look over my outfit one last time. My hair is down and I'm wearing a lilac Laundry by Shelli Segal satin pleated dress with Prada peep-toe heels. Sky has on a BCBG smoke sateen bead-detailed mini dress. Her long hair is pulled back in a ponytail. I'm obsessed with her black Miu Miu slingbacks with the tiny bows on the top.

  Then it's our cue and we walk next to each other through the doors and down the steps and stand in front of the applauding audience. Even though the lights are blinding, I can see Liz and my parents, Nadine, Rodney, Matty, and, in the back corner, Dylan. I try not to get distracted and just remember my lines.

  "You might recognize Kaitlin and me from our show, Family Affair," Sky begins, getting a ton of applause at the mention of FA.

  I take a breath before my first line. "Or you don't recognize us from the show, but you know us from your favorite gossip tabloid," I tell them. "Which is why we're here. To set the record straight. You see, we don't really hate each other." A few people chuckle.

  "Absolutely not." Sky shakes her head emphatically. "Total falsehood. We're like sisters."

  I frown slightly. "Sisters who occasionally fight," I clarify, looking directly at the audience. "But still, you can't believe everything you hear."

  "Even if it sounds sort of true," Sky adds. "Like that story about Kaitlin being hospitalized." I stare at her in mock horror. "It was true, but not because she was suffering from exhaustion." Sky puts a hand over the side of her mouth that I can see and whispers the word "lipo." People laugh. They're getting it! And they seem to like it!

  I put my hands on my hips. "Exactly," I say. "Some stories are exaggerations, like the ones about Sky being a total control freak." I cover my hand over my mouth now. "SO TRUE," I stage whisper. "AND SO IS THE STORY ABOUT SKY COLORING HER HAIR. SHE HAS GRAYS."

  After a few more barbs, the two of us start clawing at each other, pulling off pieces of each other's clothing that are meant to rip on cue. Finally Andy Samberg and Seth Meyers come out and pull us off each other. I'm dangling in Andy's arms, my legs flailing, while Seth holds back Sky. When they remind us about the cameras, we calm down and compose ourselves--sort of. We're still bickering as they go to the commercial break, and the audience loves it. And I love doing it! Who knew saying things to Sky that I've always said could play so well for a crowd? But it works, and Sky and I, I guess after years of working together, know each other's rhythms and know exactly how to play each line and each expression.

  The whole show works that way and then it's time for our curtain call and the whole cast is onstage saying goodnight. But it doesn't feel like goodnight. If anything, I'm more awake at 1:30 AM than I've ever been. No wonder they do an after-party. When the show officially ends, I hug the cast members and pose for a few pictures with the audience while my family, Nadine, Liz, and Rodney wait patiently to congratulate me. I look up and notice Dylan is with them and he's holding a HUGE bouquet of gorgeous summer flowers like lavender and sunflowers. He's talking to my mother.

  "Kaitlin! You were fabulous!" Mom gushes. I've never seen her so happy. "Brilliant! I just e-mailed Seth. This should do amazing things for your résumé," she adds in a whisper. "I'll get on him about that tomorrow morning, but just great! Wasn't she great?" she asks the group.

  They all murmur their agreement, including Dylan, who is staring at me, smiling.

  "These are for you," he says shyly.

  Mom clutches her heart. "Isn't that sweet?"

  "Thanks." I take the bouquet from him and breathe in the heavenly scent of lavender. Wow. "You didn't have to."

  "I wanted to," Dylan insists. His teeth are so white. Blindingly white. I don't think I noticed that before. "You were brilliant. Spot on. Didn't I tell you?"

  "You did." I laugh. "What about the...?"

  "Skirtles number?" he finishes my sentence. "You sorted it out. It was excellent!"

  "Thanks." I feel weirdly shy all of a sudden. I feel my phone vibrate. It's Austin. "Excuse me a second. Hey," I say to Austin. "What did you think?"

  "It was great!" Austin sounds so proud and I get all gooey. "Burke, you are a true comic. Who knew?" It sounds so loud where he is. "I saw almost all of it."

  "Almost all?" I frown.

  "Yeah, they kept pulling me away. I can already tell dorm life means a total lack of privacy. I missed the Skirtles number, but I'm going to YouTube it as soon as it's up."

  "Oh." That was the one number I wanted him to see. He knew that. "Okay."

  If he can pick up on the disappointment in my voice, he doesn't say anything. "Have a great time at the after-party, okay?" Austin, sounds like he's rushing me off the phone. "I'll call you tomorrow." He's gone before I can even say goodbye.

  "So to the after-party?" Dad interrupts. "We can come, right?"

  "DAD," Matty groans. "Please don't." I giggle.

  "Sweetie, I don't want to go to that." Mom sounds uneasy. "Let's head home. I have an early appointment with the Daisies. Nadine and Rodney will take the kids."

  "We won't be too late." Liz winks at me.

  Matty and I breathe a sigh of relief.

  "Are you going too, Dylan?" Mom asks him.

  "Can't leave the lady without an escort, can I, ma'am?" Dylan is looking at me intently.

  "And I do need an escort," I joke, sounding much more excited than I intended to. Nadine looks at me oddly. So does Liz. "I mean, of course, he's coming. We're all going.
One big happy group! Um, we're going to leave in a little while. Let me get changed and I'll meet you out here."

  "Great." Dylan smiles again, revealing those dimples. "I'll be waiting."

  "Super!" I say dumbly, a nervous grin plastered to my face. I head back to the dressing area to grab Sky and get my stuff, but all I can think about is this new mess I've somehow created.

  Geez, maybe Sky is right. I might have a teensy crush on Dylan. And Dylan might like me back.

  And if he does, what do I do about it?

  Saturday, June 20

  NOTE TO SELF:

  GO TO SLEEP! Stay there all day Sunday.

  TV Tome

  The New Queens of Saturday Night--

  Kaitlin Burke and Sky Mackenzie!

  Week of June 22nd by TV Tome Critic Brayden Woods

  If you caught Saturday Night Live this past weekend--and many of you obviously did, since the ratings spiked 21 percent--you might have been surprised to find yourselves laughing along with and not at the week's hosts.

  After being both praised and reviled in the tabloids for years, teen TV queens Kaitlin Burke and Sky Mackenzie of Family Affair turned the tables on America by poking fun at themselves. From the moment their opening monologue started--a hilarious bit about the two who famously hate each other claiming they don't hate each other even as they were griping at one another--we knew we were in for a rare treat.

  The girls didn't disappoint in the ninety-minute show (if you count out a weak game show skit about airhead cheerleaders). They cleverly mocked their octogenarian selves in an FA nursing home skit, played obnoxious paparazzi in another, and proved they could sing in the best skit of the night, a Skirtles commercial in which they played their enemies, socialites Ava Hayden and Lauren Cobb.

  The SNL writers struck gold with that ditty, but they can't take all the credit. The idea stems from a blog Sky and Kaitlin wrote likening Ava and Lauren to Skittles candy--sweet but when you get too much of them, you feel sick. The foursome have been fighting via the media for a month now and it seems as if everyone has a side, with Team SKAT (which stands for Sky and Kaitlin) T-shirts popping up on teens from Times Square to the Grove.