Secrets of My Hollywood Life #5: Broadway Lights

by Jen Calonita

  So in conclusion, I just want to say that Kaitlin is a great actress whether she's on TV, in movies, or up on stage. I'd watch her do a Tide commercial if it was the only way to see her! But for now she's here, in the flesh, performing every night for New York. If you're a Kaitlin fan, you don't want to miss it. Get tickets now!

  HOLLYWOOD NATION

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  Friday, July 3rd

  Ava Hayden and Lauren Cobb Get Their Revenge!

  The Gruesome Twosome--Lauren Cobb and Ava Hayden's nicknames given to them by Sky Mackenzie on Twitter--got their own SNL-type revenge last night when they hosted a Kaitlin Burke and Sky Mackenzie Boofest. "Boofest was our way to pull apart Kaitlin and Sky's work in the same harsh manner that they did to Ava and me," said Lauren Cobb, at the event.

  The pair invited thirty of their closest friends to the Hollywood Forever Cemetery in Los Angeles to join them in bashing SKAT's work. Against a backdrop of mausoleums and tombstones, LAVA aired a key Family Affair episode, a pirated scene with both girls from PYA, illegal video from Meeting of the Minds (which was confiscated by cops after its airing), and Sky's now never-to-be-seen fall pilot.

  During each video, LAVA took the mic to critique the actresses' work and invited the others to boo or throw trash at the screen. Ava even took to throwing tomatoes whenever either girl was shown. Others, like party boy Finn Grabel, just heckled. Alexis Holden, who was also on the guest list, felt it was only fair that Kaitlin and Sky receive the same treatment they dish out. "Ava and Lauren were mortified by the girls' appearance on SNL," said Alexis. "What they did was so cruel." Added another partygoer, who wanted to remain nameless: "There are so many people who can't stand Kaitlin or Sky either so it was nice to give them some payback. If you know what I mean. We even had some folks in New York--who shall remain nameless--who wanted to be here, but couldn't. They said they'd definitely join us the next time we get together. Everyone got the biggest kick out of watching Kaitlin do a scene from her Broadway show. She's awful! I'm sure this will be her first and last stage appearance."

  In the spirit of bashing, the girls also handed out Team LAVA tees, courtesy of www.starslikeustees.com, as part of the night's Boofest gift bag. "We got a lot of support and positive feedback from tonight's event," said Ava, holding her dog Calou, who was ripping a picture of Sky and Kaitlin to shreds with his teeth. "If those two want to get nasty, we can be even nastier. This feud is far from over."

  ELEVEN: Reality Bites

  "Sweetie, do you really think you should order that?"

  That would be the Waz-Za, the waffle with the brûlée top that is on the menu at Norma's, this eatery inside the Le Parker Meridien on West 57th Street that has the world's best breakfast. The restaurant itself is pretty boring by restaurant standards--no actual windows to speak of, nondescript tables, and boring white tablecloths. But the menu is mouth-watering. Nadine and I found it one morning after we went to Broadway Dance for a few classes. That day we had the PB&C Waffle 'Wich, which is this to die for chocolate waffle with peanut butter and toffee crunch filling. But today Mom is here, and my dreams of eating carbohydrates are about to go up in flames.

  My dad comes to my defense. "Meg, she's at the gym every day, let her eat in peace." Mom closes her mouth, but flustered, she raises one hand to the collar of her white Versace tank shirt and plays with a small pearl brooch there. Mom may be eating a fruit platter, but that's only because she's been so busy with the Darling Daisies committee that she has almost no time for her pilates, yoga, or yogalates. She does look tanner than ever thanks to so much time spent in the Hamptons. She's been spending half the week and weekends out there---leaving Nadine to chaperone me and Matty while she and Dad golf, hit Barefoot Contessa for dinner, and do charity stuff. I, on the other hand, am glued to the city limits with my work schedule, which is fine by me. I'm free most days till 4 PM so I have had plenty of time to sightsee, visit museums, and take spinning, Zumba, or cardio dance jam with Liz (when she's not in film class) and Nadine. I have to admit, seeing Mom less has made my stress level go way down. I'm not being barked at on a daily basis by anyone other than Riley.

  "I'll have the Waz-Za," I say sweetly to the waiter, handing him the menu. I play with the collar of my yellow silk Alice + Olivia pleated dress.

  "Hell, I'll have it too," Laney surprises me by saying. Laney pats her taut midsection, which is hidden under a gray herringbone cropped Johnson blazer and a light white tank top. Laney even has on a skirt today--a knee-length black pencil one--which is a rarity. "I'll pay for it with my trainer when I go home in two days."

  Laney and Seth have been doing business in New York all week after my opening night. Both have several other clients in town doing morning shows or shooting movies and Laney has been busy dealing with what she calls "avoidable client nightmares that are giving me a permanent migraine." I keep telling her she has to drop clients who are named after famous cities or pieces of fruit. Thankfully though, having Laney and Seth in town gave Mom the opportunity she was dying for--a chance to powwow about my life post-Broadway. It's something I've been thinking about a lot, but pretending not to because the unknown still freaks me out. A lot.

  "Laney, you need some sun. You're so pale." Mom clicks her tongue. Mom is dressed in a white tank top and white pants and even has a wide-brimmed white hat, which she took off when she sat down. She's all about white these days. "You have to join us in the Hamptons and have dinner with us at Laundry. Their crab cakes are to die for. I keep telling Kaitlin how much she'd love them if she'd take a night off. " Mom raises her eyebrows menacingly, but I try to ignore her.

  "Meg, you know she can't take any time off from the show," Seth reminds Mom gently, and rocks his sunglasses back on his head. Those shades are never far from Seth's eyes. "She signed a contract."

  "Would it kill her to ask for one Saturday night off?" Mom protests. "It's July fourth weekend for goodness sake. No one is in town!"

  "Except tourists," Dad points out. "Lots of tourists for those Macy's fireworks. Do you know what type of barge they put the fireworks on?" he asks Seth, who shakes his head. "The firepower on that barge is incredible and the boat they use to haul that stuff must be massive. I'm thinking of a duel engine motor yacht. Jimmy Harnold has a forty-two-foot Motor-yacht Fast Trawler that we were on last weekend. That boat can cook." Dad smiles widely, his teeth almost blinding me. They look so white against his tan skin, offset with a rumpled green Polo. With no car in New York except for rentals, Dad has been spending a lot of his time in the Hamptons looking at boats and their engines. He's seriously considering getting one when we get back to Los Angeles.

  "Even the tourists know that the real scene is outside the city," Mom sniffs. "Everyone will be in the Hamptons this weekend except my daughter."

  "Mom, I am sticking to my schedule." I point my fork at her. "My goal is not to miss a single performance. I'm eating well, sleeping a lot, exercising... doing all of the things I'm supposed to do when on stage. You heard what Kristin Chenoweth said the other day at the Calvin Klein luncheon."

  "Yeah, yeah, get lots of sleep and rest," Mom clucks. "But you can't do that all the time. You could come out Saturday for a few hours for the Sun at the Shore house party, but you won't, or on Sunday for the Mercedez-Benz Polo Challenge, but you won't. It's only a three-hour car ride, if that! So you have to travel a little. Who cares? You'd be completely relaxed once you got there."

  Nadine rolls her eyes at me, but neither of us says anything.

  "Meg, I think she's being wise to rest up while she's in town," Seth continues, readjusting the yellow pocket square in his Theory suit. "Laney and I have been talking and we both agree--Kaitlin is in the best position she could be in right now. Everyone is still buzzing about her SNL stint and her Broadway reviews aren't shabby."

  "If you ignore the Post and Newsday," Mom points out.

  "But look at Time Out New York and TeenVogue.com," Laney reminds her and beams a
t me proudly. "They both said Kaitlin's voice is fresh, witty, and full of the spunk you need to compete with a live audience. Kaitlin is getting raves compared to what happened when Julia took the stage several years ago."

  Laney is right. My reviews could be much worse. Even the New York Times said I wasn't an atrocity (I'm paraphrasing), which is positive considering what they've said about some stars who've hit Broadway. All in all, I'm pretty pleased with the reviews I'm getting. And the best one so far has come from Austin: "You're glowing when you're up there and that makes me happy because I know how happy you're making the people who are watching." Aww.

  We had such a good time together last weekend. We vowed to be better about keeping in touch too. Austin and I promised to not miss our scheduled phone call before bed each night and we swore that if something was bothering us, we'd speak up rather than let things simmer. (That last one was my suggestion. Nadine read it in a relationship book. She thinks reading self-help books will help her find a "normal" boyfriend. Her word, not mine.)

  "My point is, this is when we have to strike." Seth takes his Ray-Bans off his head. He stares at me intently. "Everywhere I go someone is asking about you. People are talking about you. The play, SNL, your thing with Lauren and Ava... you're hot."

  "So why not up her exposure in the Hamptons?" Mom tries again, almost pleading. "Darling Daisies is having an event this Saturday that Kaitlin would be perfect for. They're practically begging for an appearance. Kaitlin, would it kill you to do take the trek out and come back the same day? Or Sunday? Please? Please? I know you said you'd come out Monday to Tuesday, but no one worth seeing will be there on Monday. Sunday is the 'it' day this summer."

  "The Hamptons have an 'it' day?" Seth's mouth twitches.

  "She's begging," Nadine whispers. "You might be able to get anything out of her if you say yes. Hint. Hint."

  Nadine's right! "Can I visit Austin next weekend?" I blurt out. My bargaining skills are clearly sorely lacking, but I can't help it. "My night off? Nadine will come with--"

  "Absolutely not." Mom freaks and clutches her short strand of pearls to her neck. "I told you we could pop over for a visit in August before you head home, but visiting a boy unsupervised? Can you imagine the press? Austin's mother would not approve either, and you know it."

  "Nadine will be there," I say, digging my fork into the tablecloth in aggravation. "What's the difference if it's Texas or New York City? You're not here watching me!"

  Our waitress smiles politely as she places my food in front of me. I grab the little syrup pitcher and pour on a huge river of liquid, then cut off a giant piece and chew angrily while I glare at Mom. I tap my foot anxiously and my coral Christian Dior mules almost slide off.

  Mom sighs and takes a small dainty bite of a slice of cantaloupe. "You can have anything else." She seems to be mulling it over. "I'll let you go shopping at Blue & Cream or get a massage at the Naturopathica Spa when you come to the Hamptons. Sweetie, you would love it. Can't you at least think about it?"

  Laney coughs and elbows me. Her fork clanks to the floor and I reach down at the same time as she does to retrieve it. She grabs my shoulder and looks at me quickly. "Just get it over with and she'll get off your back for the rest of the summer," Laney whispers. "I'll work on her about Austin."

  Wow, Laney, thanks! We both sit up and Laney smoothes her napkin on her lap and then takes a sip of her iced tea while Mom stares at her suspiciously.

  "Okay, I'll come to your event on Saturday," I give in and Mom shrieks and claps happily. "But I am not coming out Monday and Tuesday as well. It's too much."

  "Fine," Mom agrees. "It's at 11 AM. We could have a car pick you up at seven and you'd be back by four-thirty at the latest. It's going to be a wonderful day. Darling Daisies teamed up with Sun at the Shore and we're having the Jonas Brothers and Selena Gomez plant seeds! You can do it too."

  I side-eye Laney and she nods ever so slightly. "Fine," I mumble and take another yummy bite of my breakfast to wash down my distaste.

  Mom is so happy she starts gobbling down her breakfast and even swipes half of Dad's butter-laden English muffin off his plate.

  "As I was saying," Seth tries again, sounding weary, "Kaitlin's career is having a good moment. I think we should strike now."

  "I have offers?" I'm slightly excited even though I have no idea what he's going to say. I wipe my sweaty palms on the pleats of my short dress.

  "Several coming in and several more have been mentioned," Seth tells me. "I have scripts for you to read and I'm not talking about teen slasher garbage. Good scripts. Coming-of-age movies and some headlining vehicles. You even have an offer to do a Judd Apatow film. Seth Rogen asked for you personally."

  "Imagine that." Dad is glowing. "I've been hoping to get him for some of the productions I'm working on."

  Seth doesn't reply to that, but smiles broadly as he announces his next tidbit. I have a bad feeling Dad's production company dreams may be over before they even really started. No one is calling him back. "I even have a pay or play offer." Mom gasps and drops her spoon in her decaf coffee with skim and Splenda with a loud clink.

  HOLLYWOOD SECRET NUMBER ELEVEN: Pay or play offers are pure gravy deals in Hollywood. When an actor, director, or producer is offered this, it means that you're wanted so badly for the project that they'll pay you regardless of whether the movie ever gets made. They'll even pay you if you get replaced before production begins. It's a big deal.

  "What's it for?" I ask breathlessly.

  Seth brightens. "It's sort of a Gossip Girl meets 90210 meets Greek meets Ugly Betty set in a Supernatural meets Lost meets Survivor-type environment."

  Mom says "We'll take it" at the same time Laney, Nadine, and I say "I don't get it."

  "It is confusing," Seth hesitates, as always ignoring Mom over me. The man's a pro. "But worth reading the script. It tripped me up a few times too, but it sounds like groundbreaking material."

  "Groundbreaking material that covers several shows that have already been done," Nadine mutters under her breath, and I giggle.

  "I'll read the script this week," I promise and Seth pulls it out of his bag and slides the large manuscript over to me.

  "There's something else I should mention." Seth sounds a bit unsure this time. "It's a cable TV show. A sitcom, actually, about six college freshmen who become tight and wind up best friends. It's tentatively titled Little Fish, Big Pond--get it?"

  "I've heard of this." I lean forward, being careful not to let my yellow dress get bathed in maple syrup. "Gina mentioned it. Everyone wants in on this pilot. It's for mid-season. I heard Scarlett read for it. And Miley and Selena. Everyone wants it!"

  "Well, they're looking for two girls to play roommates who battle but become good friends and they're thinking of two people in particular." Seth squirms slightly. "You and Sky."

  Mom and Laney start laughing so hard that I think food is going to come flying out of their noses. Even Dad chuckles in between bites of his Mexican omelet. Nadine and I look at each other. Nadine raises one eyebrow hopefully.

  I don't know why, but the idea makes my heart race. My gut reaction is that I like the idea. Sky and I back on TV together doing something totally different from FA could be a lot of fun. I had a great time doing SNL, and Seth is right--Sky and I have good comic timing together. I'd love to play someone less serious than Sam. Could a sitcom with us as roommates actually work?

  "Are you crazy?" Laney scoffs. "Those two are fire and ice. Don't get me wrong." She holds a palm up apologetically at me. "You two were superb on SNL, but your days of being a twosome are over. It's like Lauren and Ava. Enough is enough already! I have been exhausting myself calling around and complaining about their ridiculously lame Boofest, and now I'm dealing with their latest YouTube slandering. Yesterday those two fools actually invited paparazzi to film them filming their latest video spoof of you and Sky." I find myself actually stopping and thinking about what she just said, it's that confusing. "They had that
dog of theirs, Calou, play Sky! They put a little wig on the poor thing."

  Dad bursts out laughing and we all look at him. "Sorry. That sounds sort of funny." Mom shoots him a dirty look.

  "The bottom line is I'm sick of this Team SKAT versus Team LAVA garbage and Lauren and Ava's D-listness." Laney slaps her hand down on the table, her oversized gold cuff emphasizing her point. "Kaitlin and Sky together are in danger of going the same way--we've been there, done that."

  "I don't know about that," Seth disagrees. "Together the two are magic. Their comic timing was impeccable. Lorne Michaels and I were chatting about it the other day. He thinks both of them have a future in comedy."

  Really? I'm about to ask more about this when Laney tsks.

  "I say it's time to move on to something new," Laney insists. "Besides, those two always get along for three days, then brawl again."

  "I agree," Mom interjects before I can get a word in. "I don't trust Sky. I know she's been spending a lot of time here lately, but that's just because she's out of work. As soon as she gets something new, she'll be back to being evil again. I don't want Kate-Kate dealing with that again. We don't need any more..."--Mom leans in close and whispers--"panic attacks."

  Everyone murmurs their agreement.

  "Is it an actual offer, Seth?" I ask tentatively.

  "Not official," Seth tells me, "but we're in talks. I've read a rough draft of the pilot and I laughed out loud twice. That's two times more than I usually laugh when I read first drafts of sitcom pilots." He winks at me. "But I wanted you to know and keep it in mind."

  "It sounds great," Nadine says to me. Mom glares at her.

  "I think that's a pass." Mom shrugs.

  It used to bother me so much when she'd do this, but it's beginning to seem funny to me.