Rock and Roll Never Forgets (The Rock and Roll Trilogy)

by Barbara Stewart

  Beth tried to absorb all he was saying, but she couldn’t get past going home and him staying there, even knowing he was in good, qualified hands. Again, Dr. Roth knew her mind. “If you stay he’ll be concerned about you. If you stay you will want to take care of him and you won’t rest. Go home. Be with your family. You too, Phyllis, I’ll be in touch.”

  Phyllis asked, “Can we see him now?”

  “I don’t think that’s good idea. Go, let’s just all concentrate on getting him better.”

  Neither Beth nor Phyllis could begin to fathom the idea of leaving him, but they went. Roddy left with them. They went to Phyllis’s home first and stayed a night there. Then Roddy got Beth back to the house in Corpus Christi. He helped get some things situated and packed for her to go home to Florida for a while. Everything was a mess and she didn’t want to leave there but Roddy insisted. Needa would take care of things. It would give her something else to think about as well.

  Three long months passed and it was the hardest thing Beth had ever been through. Dr. Roth called daily. They were trying several different methods of treatment. Some seemed to help, some did not. It seemed as though it would be an extended course. Andy was in counseling as well.

  They would allow visitors only one weekend a month. Beth and Phyllis went every weekend they could. He responded positively to Phyllis, but wasn’t receptive to Beth. She felt helpless. She wanted to be there, but she could feel that he didn’t want her. She decided not to go for a while. She sent cards and letters every day so that he knew she was thinking about him.

  Dr. Roth kept her filled in on how Andy’s treatment was going. Beth was still in shock over the whole situation. She went to the house in Corpus Christi to get some more things to take home to Florida. Before she left, she made arrangements to see Dr. Roth. Andy had been under his care for a long time, and he was her doctor as well. She needed to talk to him. She needed to know. She was torn, but she needed to know what was going on.

  “I can’t divulge everything,” he told her, “but I think a huge part of it is guilt, Beth.”

  “Guilt?” she repeated the word. “Over what?”

  “I believe he thinks you want more than he is able to give,” he said.

  “This is my fault?” Beth asked.

  “No fault, it’s his perception. I can’t say for certain, I can only share what I believe, based on what he’s shared with me. I think he feels like you want more, deserve more, but he’s not ready to make that step. There’s something that’s holding him back. He hasn’t shared that with me or the therapist, but there is a wall that he isn’t ready to break through yet. Give him time.”

  She sadly responded, “I haven’t ever pushed him for anything, I never tried to change him.”

  “It’s his perception,” he repeated. “It might take a while, just give him time.”

  She decided to make the trip to Florida more permanent. She called Roddy and asked for help.

  “Are you sure you don’t want to give this some more time?” he asked her anxiously.

  “I’ve thought a lot about it, Roddy. After talking with Dr. Roth I think I should go for a while. I think if I go and Andy wants me to come back I will, but it doesn’t seem that he wants me right now. I can’t stay here and wait, it’s tearing me apart.”

  Roddy helped get what she needed shipped from Corpus Christi. When the moving truck arrived in Florida, Beth used it as therapy for herself. Her mom and Kimmy offered to help, but she needed the time to herself to think and figure out her own plan for healing. With each box she opened, another emotion overwhelmed her. Sometimes it was anger that gave her an adrenaline rush and got her through the next box. Sometimes it was sadness that overcame her and she would quit and cry her eyes out. Sometimes she would just go to bed and continue the next day.

  ~ ~ ~

  November 3, 1991 ~ Three more months have passed, I continue to send notes and cards once a week or so. Roddy tells me that Andy will be going home at the end of the month, and Phyllis will go to Corpus Christi with him. It seems there is no longer a place for me.

  Beth re-enrolled in school and would start classes after the holidays. She decided to finish the Communications degree she had begun years ago, with Public Relations as her minor. After Andy was home, Phyllis called every week to tell Beth how much she missed her. Beth wished she wouldn’t. Phyllis shared details on Andy’s progress. Beth was glad they got him home, but it seemed there was still a long road ahead. He still hadn’t called Beth; nothing at all from him. She didn’t know what to think, but she knew she had to move on. It took months, but she finally realized that phase of her life was over.

  ~ ~ ~

  In January 1992, Beth began school and it helped her move on. It kept her mind busy. She finally asked Roddy to help get her out of the chalet in Colorado. Financially she needed to move on as well. Roddy told her Andy would pay her bills but she wanted no part of that. They agreed that he would suggest they put the chalet on the market. No one had been there in months. Beth made a list of things for him to ship to her when it sold. He told her Andy was getting better. She couldn’t think about that anymore.

  ~ ~ ~

  Sadly, in March, the chalet sold. Roddy sold some of the items so she didn’t have to deal with it. Dina made a trip out, alone, to help go through things, and Beth thanked God for her. Some things she would bring into the condo and some memories would be put away to deal with later.

  The first day there Dina walked through the chalet and thought about Beth and Andy. Her heart ached terribly. As she wandered around looking for the things that Beth had asked for, she ran her hands over a quilt that she knew Beth’s Nana made. She sat down with a cup of coffee and remembered the night Nathan had called to tell her about Beth and Andy. Nathan loved Beth instantly, her laugh, her smile, and her wit, all of it. And Dina did too.

  Dina reflected on her past with Andy. He had been part of her life for a very long time; she had seen him through many experiences, Claire Ferguson for one. She saw them together in her mind, at the beginning of their relationship. She knew that it was not a match made in heaven, and she wasn’t sorry when it ended. She knew Andy was better without her. Dina prayed he would find a woman to share his life with, because she loved him, and she wanted him to be happy.

  Then Beth came along. She was different from any woman Andy had ever even noticed. Dina hoped Andy would see what she saw; a lifelong love. She saw Beth blossom into a woman in the years they spent together, a woman in love. She saw Beth during those few times of Andy’s lapse of judgment, and she hurt for her. She saw Beth’s strength as she forgave them and moved on, because she loved him so much.

  This situation broke her heart. First Andy’s illness, she wondered how none of them saw it coming. She hoped he would recover. Dina knew from what she heard that it would be a long process, but she was sadder about Beth. She knew that with most things in their crazy lifestyle when something was good, something usually happened to mess it up. She and Nathan worked hard to make sure that never happened to them. But she was sad for Beth and Andy, sad that these two people who obviously loved each other so much couldn’t figure out how to stay a couple.

  She continued to pack boxes and reminisce. It was a hard task. She packed the boxes that would go to Beth, slipping in things that would make her happy along with the ones that would hurt her heart. But she also packed some to go to Andy as well, hoping that he would remember the love they shared. And she packed some to send home. Things she knew Beth couldn’t handle now, but that she hoped one day she could give back. With each box filled, Dina knew that emotions would overwhelm them all as they unpacked the boxes..

  ~ ~ ~

  The months flew by, and Beth stayed busy with school. She was on a mission, cramming as much as possible into a short time and in December 1992, she graduated with a 4.0 GPA. The Cancer Foundation hired her as their public relations and media representative. She had been volunteering with them for a while. When the position came ope
n they presented it to her. She was very excited to work for a cause she believed in, and get paid for it.

  Andy finally called. She didn’t talk to him. He left a message congratulating her on her upcoming graduation and new job. It was the first time he had called in over a year. He asked her to call him, but she wasn’t sure she could. Phyllis and Roddy told her he was better. Roddy told her he was writing again, but she couldn’t let that affect her. She wished the best for him, but she was finally settled. It took a very long painful time. It seemed that her head was back where it needed to be. She had to move on.

  It was Jenna’s second Christmas, but the first where she would be tearing into packages and having fun. It was also Kimmy and Lane’s eighth anniversary. Beth went to stay with Jenna while they went out to dinner. They asked her to spend the night and wake up with them, not wanting her to be alone. Mom, Pops and Pappy were on a cruise and her brothers would all be celebrating the holidays with their families.

  ~ ~ ~

  On Christmas Day, she arrived home about two, after all the Christmas morning festivities and brunch. She was ready to get home, put her feet up, have a glass of wine and relax. They were up so late getting Santa stuff out and ready. Finally, Lane couldn’t stand it any longer. As soon as he heard Jenna rustle the first time, he went and got her. She was so excited about it all. It was early and this would now be their tradition – Santa came in the middle of the night so you had to get up and see what he left. It was somewhat exhausting.

  When Beth got home there were four messages on the machine. She poured a glass of wine and went to listen. They were all from Andy.

  10:02AM – “Hey, are you there?” He sounded good, but cautious. “I wanted to wish you Merry Christmas. I miss you. I miss us. Will you call me?” A longer pause, and then; “Bethy, baby, please just a call.”

  11:12AM – “Me again… are you there?”

  11:49AM – “Bethy, baby I just want to talk. Are you there and just not answering? I tried your folks and there is no answer. Please call me…”

  1:53PM – “It’s me again. I just talked to Kimmy. She said you’d been there and were headed home. Please call me. I just want to talk.”

  At 2:20PM the phone rang and she let it go to the machine. “Beth, it’s Kimmy.”

  “Hey,” she said when she picked up.

  “Did you talk to him? I knew he’d keep calling till someone told him where you were. What’d he want?”

  “I haven’t called him back,” Beth said.

  “You will though,” she said. “Call him. Tell him to leave you alone if that’s what you need to do, but call and get it over with. Get it behind you. You have to close this, and you know it, you gotta do it to really move on. I love you.” And with that she was gone.

  When she hung up it rang again.

  “Hello?” she did pick it up.

  “Hey, it’s me. Please don’t hang up,” he sounded tired this time. “I just want to talk.” It was a pleading request.

  “I won’t,” she said and settled back on the sofa.

  He asked her, “You OK?”

  “Yeah, I am.” She sounded convincing, but who was she trying to convince him or herself?

  He was quiet a moment, then said; “I don’t know what happened. I just kinda snapped.” He paused. Not just tired, she realized, he was sad. “It’s been like this big, black, dark hole.”

  “I know,” she said sadly. “I know what it’s felt like for me. I can’t imagine what it was like for you.”

  “Bethy, I know it hurt you. I don’t know what happened,” he repeated.

  She didn’t say anything. She didn’t know what to say, so she listened.

  “Phyllis told me she’s talked to you a couple of times, and I know Roddy has,” he paused, that sadness in his voice hurt her heart. “She said you were fine,” he continued. “I’m glad you have kept in touch with her. She loves you. I won’t ask to see you, that’d be pushing my luck, I know. But I wanted to tell you that I am better now, and that I am sorry, so sorry, Bethy. I can only hope that someday, maybe even soon, you can understand.”

  She still said nothing.

  “I’ll go now. Merry Christmas, my love.”

  Before Beth could say another word he said; “I’ll always love you,” and he blew that familiar kiss and hung up.

  He wasn’t giving her the option to cut it off. She didn’t know what to do, what to think. Fear inhibited her from thinking beyond the moment. She had to leave Andy behind. She didn’t cry. It was over, it had to be. And she felt a sadness come over her that she never even believed could exist.

  ~ ~ ~

  Andy didn’t know if he could handle her hanging up on him as she had in the past. He had been to a dark place and there were times he didn’t even remember. No one really knew how bad it was until it was too late. When he realized that Beth had slipped away, he didn’t have the energy to pull her back. He knew how she was, and what she was doing. He made sure to know she was OK. He made Roddy promise to take care of her. But he knew that he couldn’t allow her to be part of the nightmare his life had become. He thought keeping her away was protecting her. It took a long time for him to recover. Even when he was on the mend, he kept her away.

  Beth sent letters and cards to him, and Andy had seen them all, saved them, along with every message she left on the answering machine. Each was a part of her. She bared her soul to him. He realized that he needed her back in his life. But it was too late.

  Part of his healing was writing. He immersed in it. Beth’s letters, cards and messages gave him solace as he began to resurface. There was such passion in her words. There was one letter that he read over and over. From her words a song came to his mind. The letter told him that she didn’t know what happened, but that her life had to take a different path. She had to move on… ‘Had to…’ She tried to wait, she tried to be there, she tried to help him mend but she was ‘done’.

  “That’s it,” she wrote. “I quit. I’m movin’ on.”

  Her concession became a song. He shared it with Roddy.

  That’s it

  I quit

  I’m movin on

  Gotta do it for me

  This insanity

  A life that’s been cast way

  Seems lost, you and me

  “You sure you want to do this one?” Roddy asked as he read the lyrics, but loved the music when he heard it.

  “Yeah,” Andy told him. “Some girl somewhere will hear those words and thank our Bethy for putting that thought out there so I could write it.

  It was then that he realized how badly he needed Beth, but he had to leave it up to her.

  153

  Rock and Roll Never Forgets

  Chapter Nineteen

  It took a while, but Beth began to date again. It was very uncomfortable in the beginning; she’d been with Andy so long. She met men through Cancer Foundation meetings and functions and would go out for coffee, sometimes dinner. But she kept it very causal, dating no one in particular, just going out occasionally. She just wanted companionship, not romance.

  She hated every second of it. She felt like a lot of the interest in her was more an interest in that part of her life than her, personally. She felt they were just nosey, wanting to know about things she didn’t want to share. Conversation would somehow always drift to her and Andy. She didn’t want to talk about them. There was nothing to talk about anymore. She was trying to move forward and thinking about the past slowed her momentum.

  One Friday evening she was out with friends, and they went to a bar where Rick Snyder was playing. His band Mean Street toured with Traveler on several occasions in the early days. Mean Street split up several years earlier and Rick had gone solo. He was doing some big bar shows. There was a group of people going and Beth agreed to go along, secretly hoping that he would see her. He did.

  “Well, hello to you,” he said happily when she walked up and he gave her a hug.

  “Hey!”

  �
��How long has it been?” he asked trying to remember when they had toured together. “Ten years?”

  “Thirteen, since the tour ended,” she said.

  “Where did all those years go?” he laughed. “I’m glad to see you. Listen, I gotta get going here, can you stay and we can talk after the show?”

  “I’d like that,” Beth said.

  “Me too.”

  Afterward, they went for coffee. They talked way into the wee hours of the morning, about old times, not Andy. It was nice. He was kind and never mentioned Andy’s name. When he asked if he could call her, she said yes.

  Dating in the beginning stages is hard in any circumstance, getting to know each other, figuring out what to talk about, but she found something in common with Rick that she wasn’t finding in the other guys she met. He wasn’t curious about her past, he knew about it. They went out often. They got close, the relationship got close, but it never progressed to serious. She wasn’t ready to open up to that again, and Rick never pushed. They had fun. She laughed with him, and enjoyed many of the same things. It was a good friendship, and she liked his company. That’s what she needed. It seemed to work for him too. There was never more than holding hands or a kiss. Some very good kisses, but never more than a good night kiss, and that was fine with her.

  All of the Traveler guys were moving on. They began working on their own projects, and families. Beth heard often from Mark. Dina and Nathan called frequently, and occasionally there was a call from Nigel and Stretch. Dane even called once. They all agreed that they could not be Traveler without Andy and when he was ready they would be waiting. Nathan found success on Broadway, winning a Tony Award for his work on Life Out There. It didn’t seem the reunion was going to happen.