“What Andy, I’m really tired.”
“I know, just this one last thing. Listen, really listen, then tell Roddy what you like and what you don’t. I won’t bother you about it. Go through Roddy if that will be easier for you, but do this for me, will you? Please?”
“Why?” She needed to know.
“Because I realized something not long ago,” he paused, and laughed. “All those times when Dane would get so pissed at you, he was mad.”
“I know that. Your point now?”
“I figured out why he stayed mad. You had the ear, you listened, you knew what you liked, and said so. What you liked always did well for us. When you didn’t like it so much, and we released it anyway, usually because Dane wanted it, it did OK, not great, just OK. That infuriated him. We were together recently, talking about it. He said that it was jealousy. I just want you to listen and tell me what you like and don’t. I respect your opinion.”
It was quiet for a long time and finally Andy laughed, “Go to sleep on me?”
“No, just thinking. Send it. I’ll listen.”
“Thanks Bethy.”
“I have to go now, really, I have to go.”
“It’s late, I know. I won't call you again. You know how to reach me, if you want. Take care of you. Good night Bethy.” And then he blew that same kiss into the phone that he always ended their calls with, and a flood of memories came rushing back.
On Sunday afternoon, the tape arrived via courier. Roddy told her to “brace” herself. She listened, and listened, and listened again. She was up all night. She listened, she cried, she listened some more, and again she cried. It was good, really good. But it was more emotional than he tried to warn her it would be. No words could have prepared her for what she felt.
Monday morning, when she could, she called Roddy. Andy was right, it was good, and she was raw. She was physically and emotionally drained.
“Hey, it’s me,” Beth said when he answered. “I know it’s early.” It came out a whisper that burned her throat.
He laughed, “Never too early for you, my love! You OK?” he asked, knowing that she was calling about the tape. “What’d you think?”
“Oh God Roddy, I was up all night. I think I just died that death all over again.” Beth told him, “I’m whipped… drained.”
“I know. Good stuff though isn’t it?”
“It’s so emotional, so soulful. If I had heard it on the radio without any warning I would have lost it, broke down wherever I was. God, Roddy, will it ever stop hurting?”
“I can’t answer that, Beth. I know it won’t for Andy, probably never. He will never get past this.”
“He has to!” she said feeling frustrated, and sad.
“I know honey, but he can’t.”
“God…” she put her head down on the table, “What am I gonna do?”
“Well, for starters, tell me what you like, what you don’t like, and ready yourself. He is anxious and wants to get this out quick. It’s still part of that healing process. Andy needs this, Beth.”
“I liked it all, not one thing I didn’t think was good.”
“I know. I believe it’s his best work ever. Maybe wearing his heart on his sleeve makes him better, if that is even possible.” They were quiet for a minute and then Roddy asked, “Now, what about you?”
“What about me?” she asked, dreading where the conversation was going.
“He wants to see you Beth.”
“I know, but, no,” she said flatly, no emotion, no excitement, just ‘no’. “I can’t do it. I could barely breathe when I saw him the other night. It still hurts so much, Roddy. I don’t know if I can do it again. Every time something happened it hurt more, and each time it took longer for me to come back. I know what he went through, I went through it, too.”
“I know. I’ve traveled that road with you. I’ve traveled it with him, too. I’m just telling you what I know.” He paused, “Have dinner with him, talk.”
“Oh sure and be fodder for the tabloids all over again!” She laughed sarcastically, “I think not, my friend!”
“Neutral turf,” he suggested. “Just think about it.”
“Oh Roddy, I just…”
“Dinner Beth, you don’t have to take him home with you.”
“I’ll call you tomorrow. For now, release it, all of it! Oh my-gosh, it’s just awesome,” Beth finally admitted.
“That’s my girl,” he said. “I love you.”
“I love you more.”
She hung up and made another call, to Kimmy. “Hang on! Jenna, sweetie put that down,” Beth heard her say when she realized who it was.
“If you’re busy I can call you later.”
“Nope, just gotta get her settled; she’s into everything today!” A pause and then; “What’s up, you’re sounding blue and I know that means something to do with Andy.”
Beth laughed, “How’d you know?”
“Uh, hold on, I’m looking at the freckles on the back of my hand, I know you that well! Talk, Jenna is fine now. I have a few minutes, so spill. Tell Dr. Kimmy what’s on your mind!” She laughed and Beth knew how blessed she was that Kimmy was her friend.
The tears came easily as Beth told her about his appearance at the auction. Kimmy and Lane had other obligations and were unable to attend. Beth told her about the phone call, the album, about Andy.
“OK, so what do you want to hear from me? I’ll say whatever you want, just tell me what you want,” Kimmy replied with a flip tone.
Beth barked sarcastically, “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“Listen, you already know the answer, right?” Beth heard her take a sip of what she knew was coffee. “There are only two possibilities; you either see him or you don’t.”
“But…”
“Don’t ‘but’ me, I’m not finished,” she said curtly. “It’s you. It’s your heart. You have to do what you feel in your heart.”
“I don’t know what the hell to do,” Beth shouted. “That’s why I called you!”
“No, you knew you’d get it straight from the hip with me,” Kimmy said. “You also know what you want and that’s why you called me. Reassurance, comfort, all that crap.”
“I’m scared!”
“And you should be, but you want to see him, or you’d have just said ‘no’ and we wouldn’t even be having this conversation. You wouldn’t have even brought it up with me.” Another sip of coffee, “You still love him,” she said, knowing it was fact.
“I’ll always love him, Kimmy, and you know it.” Hearing those words made Beth feel even sadder.
“Right, but you don’t know if you can be in love with him because of your past. So go, have dinner, see what happens and move on.” She said it with such ease, but Beth knew Kimmy understood the turmoil she felt.
“For crap sake, why doesn’t he move on?” Beth wanted to know.
“Because he knows, honey, he knows he’s still in love with you.”
“So much past, Kimmy. So much hurt,” Beth mumbled.
“Go!” Kimmy interrupted, “Have dinner. Talk, laugh, hell, drink!” She said with easy laughter. “Don’t make a big deal of it. It’s a meal - you go out to dinner all the time.” She was trying to keep it light.
“Yeah, but this is Andy.”
“Which brings me to another thought dear friend…?”
“Yeah?”
“Maybe what you need is a good tumble in the sheets; been too long for you…”
“Kimmy!” Beth shrieked.
“Gotta go get Jenna, love you!” And with that she was gone.
Beth waited until Tuesday afternoon to call Roddy. Sleep surely was not part of that time. She knew how to reach Andy. His number had been on speed dial in her phone forever. But she asked where he was, and being the good friend he was Roddy didn’t comment, or question. He told her Andy was still in town, told her he loved her, and was gone.
October 6, 1993 ~ I waited a really long time before I d
ialed. I paced. I wrung my hands. I prayed. I questioned every thought that went through my brain, so unsure of myself. But even more questioning of the whole situation, I was truly terrified. Was I doing the right thing? Was I subjecting my heart to that pain all over again? I wondered what my family would think… All those thoughts ran rampant…
She dialed many times, but hung up before it rang. “What am I doing?” she kept asking herself, sometimes it was a scream. Finally, she dialed and let it go through and it rang.
He answered. “Hey, it’s me,” she said as soon as she heard the connection.
“I hoped it would be,” he said easily. There was pleasure in his voice and it made her smile.
“How long will you be in town?” she asked and thanked God that he couldn’t see her hands trembling.
“As long as you want me to,” he said. “Do you want me to stay, Bethy?” There was a tease in his question.
“I was thinking we might have dinner, Friday,” she mumbled, “if you’ll still be here.”
“I’ll still be here, if you want me to. Do you want to go somewhere?”
“No, not out,” she answered quickly. “Just come here, to the condo.”
“It’ll be OK Bethy, don’t be nervous. It’ll be fine, nice… I’ll bring the wine.” And then he blew a kiss into the phone as he hung up. He didn’t stay on the line long. Maybe he was afraid she would change her mind.
She
tried to work that week. She did so mostly from home, because she was a mess. On Friday, as she prepared for his visit, it felt almost natural, almost, but there was also much apprehension. She looked around. Everything at her home was ready. But she had to stop, remind herself that it was her home, and that he would be a guest. There were things there from their life together. How would he feel? But she really wondered how she would feel.
She was thirty-eight years old. Andy would be forty-four in a few days. It was the nerves of a first date all over again. She had dinner almost ready, and suddenly she began to panic. She felt the urge to call and tell him not to come. Her heart screamed, ‘just open the door and run like hell!’
She paced, feeling the sting of tears burning her eyes as she did. She could feel her heart pound in her chest so hard that it almost hurt. She felt terrified, but it was dread iced with anxiousness; all those old feelings intertwined with the new. The knock at the door brought reality forefront, and her heart pounded even harder.
“Hey, come on in,” she said as she opened the door.
“Smells good.” He smiled as he breezed past her, “dinner too,” he smiled. He went to the kitchen, opening the drawer he pulled out a corkscrew.
October 10, 1993 ~ My mind raced…Deep breath… regain composure… I closed my eyes and prayed… I didn’t want to appear the mess that I felt like. I watched him as he opened the wine, of course he knew where everything was, he’d gotten it so many times before. My heart ached with fear and memories all jumbled into a mess of emotions. It felt like a familiar routine, but it wasn’t anymore.
He eased the cork out of the bottle as Beth sat two glasses on the counter. Turning to look at her over his shoulder, Andy said, “Thanks for doing this. We could have gone out.” He poured the wine and handed Beth a glass.
“No. No, this is better, really. I really didn’t feel like I was up to going out. I’m still a little nervous about this whole thing.”
“Don’t be nervous, Bethy.” As she took the glass he placed a gentle hand on her cheek.
How could something as simple as his touch wreck me so?
“It’s just dinner,” he paused, looking around. She could read his thoughts before he spoke. “Everything looks great,” he said, noticing everything, noticing her home.
“Thanks. Yeah, just dinner,” she repeated, and looked around as well.
“It really does smell incredible. What have we got here?” He stood at the stove lifting lids. He sounded so good.
“I just whipped up some Alfredo sauce. I’ll cook the pasta and throw in some veggies and shrimp when we are ready to eat. Easy, just something easy,” she repeated, the nervousness she tried to hide was more than noticeable.
“Then I picked well on the wine,” he said. “It’s OK, Bethy, really. Let’s sit down.”
He sat on the sofa. She sat across from him in Nana’s rocker. She couldn’t be close to him, she was too afraid. The smell of him was almost more than she could bear; that same soap and musk, that familiar smell of him.
“So, Roddy said you liked the new stuff.” He had settled back into the sofa and he looked so natural there. He sipped the wine and looked so at ease, so comfortable, with one arm thrown across the back, like that was exactly where he belonged.
“Mmm hmm,” she took a sip of the wine.
He leaned forward, elbows on his knees and asked, “What’d ya think, really? Change anything at all, last chance,” he laughed.
“Nope… nothing… it’s perfect.” Another sip…
“Good.” He rose, walked to the stereo and put a tape in. “This is a cleaner version. What you heard on the other tape is rough. This will be better, it’s had some tweaking.”
She knew the process, but she doubted that it could be better. But he was right. It was beautiful. This time that raw feeling wasn’t just tears that trickled down her cheeks. It became the body wracking sobs that come from your soul. So much pent-up emotion, another sip of wine and she lost it, completely fell apart.
He went to her and sat on the floor at her feet. He took her hands in his. With so much emotion he expressed his sadness at their situation.
“Bethy, I am so sorry. I had no control, it was beyond me.” He cried too, saying those words.
“You are no sorrier than me. Why, Andy?” Beth asked him, “Why?”
“I don’t know.” He sat there on the floor looking up at her and finally asked, “Can we ever go back, Bethy?”
She waited, a long time to respond. She was thinking, deeply pondering her reply, and then she spoke to him from very deep within her heart.
“Oh Andy,” she sighed, “I just don’t know. I’m just so scared. I’m afraid that if something happened I couldn’t recover the next time.”
They sat quiet for a long while, listening to the tape. It was beautiful, and the tears continued to flow. Finally, they went to the kitchen to fix dinner, and again, they fell into an old familiar routine. It was pleasant; they shared good conversation, once more.
After the meal Andy keyed up one of the songs and started it again. He went to Beth and took her in his arms. She backed away, but he pulled her closer.
“Just let me hold you.” He held her tight to him, and they fell into step as the song played on.
She could feel the tears running down her cheeks as he held her in his arms. He wiped them away with his thumbs, pulling her closer still, and wrapped her in the place that she loved. That place that she missed. He kissed the top of her head and continued to hold her, humming softly. He cupped her chin and turned her face up toward his and looked into her eyes, and then his lips were on hers, so soft, and so gentle. His hands so light on her back, like a feather as he held her.
He whispered her name, and it took her by surprise. He kissed her neck and she realized how badly she missed him. So gently he kissed her, and then she was kissing him back. It felt so good. Slow and easy, and then it wasn’t.
Suddenly it was quick, and heated, and passionate, a frantic removal of clothes as they made their way to the bedroom and made wild love.
When she awoke the next morning with him beside her, she watched him sleep and remembered a million times before when she had done the same thing. She was more frightened of how it would be than how it was. After a while she slipped quietly out of his arms, out of the bed, and went to the kitchen to make coffee. Didn’t she know he’d want some?
She rolled the blinds to look out. There was a squirrel working diligently at something in the yard. She watched for a very long time, just standing there at t
he window with her arms folded across her chest, maybe protecting her heart. And then she felt him behind her. His arms wrapped around her and the embrace was warm, and again it felt natural and right. She turned into him, and he kissed her.
“Good morning beautiful. Oh man, something smells heavenly,” he said looking toward the pot of coffee that had just finished brewing.
“What now, Andy?” she asked him.
“Well,” he said with that devilish look in his eyes. She laughed and pushed him away. “How about that coffee?”
“I’m serious, Andy? What next?” She poured him a cup of coffee, just like he liked it, strong and black.
“Bacon and eggs?” he said it casually, and they both laughed. He was trying to keep it light.
Beth did fix breakfast, and they spent the day together not discussing anything important. Later in the day, they found themselves in each other’s arms again. Maybe Kimmy was right.
As she prepared dinner that evening he sat at the table and they talked, like they had been together forever. It seemed like old times. And then, it was like Beth was hit with a ton of bricks.
“After dinner you have to go,” she said.
“I do?” he was clearly surprised. He went to Beth and wrapped his arms around her as she cooked and nuzzled her neck.
“Yes. You have to go. I need to get my head straight and think about this, about us, without you here confusing me even more.”
She turned around into his arms. His eyes swallowed her, those beautiful pleading eyes. He reached out and touched her cheek. “Can’t we talk it out together, Bethy?”
“No,” she said, firmly, “Not now. I need to think Andy. Dinner, and then you go. You really have to go.”
It didn’t make the meal uncomfortable. She was afraid it would, but she knew she needed time. After they cleaned up, he grabbed his jacket, kissed her on the forehead and headed for the door.
“You know where I’ll be,” he said easily, “A phone call away.”
Rock and Roll Never Forgets (The Rock and Roll Trilogy) Page 19