“Hello Beth,” I said and leaned to kiss her cheek.
“Thanks for coming. It’s nice to see you again.” Andy and Kimmy left us there, alone.
“It’s really my pleasure. Thank you for choosing me to work with you on this. Roddy and Andy explained the circumstances.”
She told me that the first thought through her head was; ‘Thank God he didn’t say he was sorry.’ It was very important to her that no one felt sorry or pitied her in any way. That would have made it ‘unbearable’.
She thought a moment, quietly, choking back emotion and replied; “When I knew what I needed to do, I knew I wanted to work with you.”
Suddenly, her tears came in a flood. I looked around and found a tissue for her.
“Sorry, I’ve become a bit of a gusher lately,” she said. “Anyway, I finally got a hold of a copy of that first article you did on Andy so long ago. Gosh that was twenty years ago wasn’t it? It was great. I had seen the pictures, have copies of some of them but I didn’t read it until recently. It was too difficult before, too many memories of that time. But as I read it I really liked the way you told the story. Kimmy knew that one day I’d want to see it so she saved it and brought it to me recently. The second article was sad, all of it such a lifetime ago,” she said sadly.
The realization began to sink in. She knew what was happening, what she was doing, but it hit home really hard when I arrived. She told me that she was sad, really sad, for the first time. Up to that point she had been in more of a scramble mode getting things in place in her head. Getting things lined up to do what needed to be done.
“I tried to be ready for your arrival. I thought I was, but nothing could have prepared me for what I felt when you walked in that door,” Beth said with a heavy sigh.
We were preparing her ‘legacy,’ what she would leave behind for others to know about her.
“I apologize that I have to lay here like this, can’t sit, you know,” she said waving a hand in a nervous gesture. “We’ll just pretend I’m a goddess and maybe someone will come and fan me and bring us grapes,” she laughed trying to lighten the mood.
“I have kept a journal, a diary, all these years, actually since I was a young girl. The first was a gift from my Pops and it turned into a ritual. It’s just something I do, keeping my thoughts, my memories, and my special conversations. They are all treasures to me. I didn’t want to forget, ya know? There are many of them. Take whatever you need. I have the ‘Andy Volumes’ stored. I will have Kimmy get them for you. Use whatever you think.”
“And Norton, can I call you Nort? Norton sounds so formal,” she said with a giggle.
“Call me anything, just don’t call me…”
“Late for dinner!” Beth finished the joke. “Thanks, I really needed to laugh…”
“OK, Nort, so here’s the thing, I want to talk. I want you to talk to Andy. I want you to talk to John, Kimmy, and my folks, just everyone. It’s important to me that you do. Carlee will need this.”
“And when the time comes,” she had to stop a minute. That lump in her throat so big, she could hardly swallow. “Later,” she said, “give the journals to Andy. And between now and then if either of those men in my life says something wonderful about me, share it with me, deal?”
“You got it. When do you want to start?”
“Whenever you are ready, I’m somewhat of a captive audience for a while yet.”
“Would you object to me recording our conversations? I like to go back and listen, later.”
“Not at all.”
And so the process began.
~ ~ ~
November 10, 2001~ Kimmy gathered up all the journals and brought them to me first. They’d been boxed up in the attic. I was glad to get them early. I read through some of them before I handed them over to Nort. So many memories, most good, but a few, well…
Talking was much easier than she thought it would be. I tried to keep it comfortable and she made it easy to do that. Our conversations were like chatting with an old friend. We talked a few days and then I took the journals and left for a while. As I left I told her that I needed to do some research and would return in a few days.
“That just means you are going off to read the journals,” she laughed, then added “No one else has ever seen them.”
“I will treat them as the treasures they are.”
~ ~ ~
I was gone about a week. I read every word, and as I did, each revealed the emotions she felt when she wrote the entries. I called several times to ask questions but not many. She was very detailed sharing her thoughts, and the pictures in my mind were so clear I felt as though I was there. Her words bore passion that, as a writer, I could appreciate. Some of the entries made me laugh and some were so descriptive that I could feel her emotions. When I returned we sat and I asked more questions, and as I did she cried.
“Tears come so easily these days,” she said in apology.
“Don’t apologize. I felt tears sting my own eyes a few times as I read.”
“I worried about what this would feel like, but it just feels like old friends talking about life, not like fifty questions or an invasion of any kind. After all this time avoiding the media, spilling my guts seems odd.”
But she knew why she needed to, for Carlee. She might hear things as she grew up and Beth wanted the real stories available to her. Not the tabloid stuff that she had lived with most of her adult life. Maybe the stories would answer questions that she would not be there to answer for her. Kimmy could, but these would be Beth’s words, her gift to Carlee.
~ ~ ~
Friday after Thanksgiving - November 23, 2001 ~ Ten weeks post-surgery, and it has been a special, busy time. The house is full all the time. It seems that every day people are coming in to visit and I love every second of the chaos!
There was a huge dinner party for Thanksgiving. Roddy and Vince were there. Liz and Vince were in the kitchen and cooked all the traditional favorites. As they banged pots and pans in preparation, a great friendship grew. They included me in the celebration along with every one of Beth’s family, her brothers and their families, Kimmy and her family, Dina, Nathan and Megan.
The feast of Thanksgiving was everything that you could dream. Everyone shared stories, laughed, and ate, and ate, and ate. It was a wonderful celebration. Beth relished in all the people, the attention and the love. She looked around at the room she never dreamed could hold so many people. It was a day that she was happy.
November 26, 2001 ~ I will always think of that as a room full of love! I worried at first that it would be somewhat melancholy, ‘what if this is the last one,’ but it didn’t seem sad, or reserved in any way. It was truly a celebration and everyone had fun. Fun has been short around here lately. The kids all played, and Megan got on the floor right in the middle of them. The guys watched football and everyone had a great time.
Liz, Kimmy and Dina tried to get Beth to go Black Friday shopping. Even though she was getting around pretty good, and the wound was healing well, she still had a really hard time sitting for any length of time. An inflatable donut was a part of life these days. And the Thanksgiving festivities had worn her out. They offered a wheelchair ride but she just wasn’t interested. She finally told them, that she just didn’t feel like it, didn’t want to shop; didn’t want to deal with the crowds. She just wanted to stay home. That whole day after Thanksgiving shopping thing was not appealing in any way. John took Carlee out for a while to see Santa.
With them all gone, I was alone with Andy, and I liked that. We were able to share great conversations again. He’d gotten past being so blue, and that helped a lot.
~ ~ ~
Andy and Beth were in the sunroom. He loved any time he could be alone with her. They shared great conversation again and it both warmed and broke his heart. They’d been talking, sharing memories for the book.
Andy was quiet a moment, reflective; “I need to tell you something,” he said finally. “I’ve been
trying to figure out how for a while, but I need to explain. It’s been ‘in there’ too long,” he said pointing to his head, and then his heart.
Cautiously Beth asked, “What is it?”
“You may have to bear with me,” he told her. “I’ve only talked about it once in my life before, and that was a bad time.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” she said.
“I want to start by telling you that it doesn’t justify anything, but maybe it will help you understand,” he was trying not to ramble, but emotions were bubbling to the surface. He rose from the chair and paced trying to keep them in check.
Watching him Beth knew this was something major, something from that ‘dark time’ in his life.
“Not long after Traveler’s name got out there, after people started knowing who we were, recognizing us,” he began, “I had a call from this woman who said she needed to talk to me about my dad. I blew it off at first, but she was saying things that held my attention so I agreed to meet with her. Thinking about it, I knew I really didn’t want to. I realized that I kind of knew what she wanted to talk about. As you grow older you start to recall things from your youth that maybe didn’t seem such a big deal at the time.
“My dad was gone a lot, he worked long hours. Phyllis and I had a good life, but he wasn’t around so much. When he was home he was a good father, and it appeared he was a good husband. I never heard them fight, but as I got older I realized that I never really heard them talk much either. I was just so happy when he was home that I focused only on his being there. I loved him so much.
“I met this woman for coffee, Rebecca,” he said remembering. “She told me I looked like my dad and as she said the words the realization really set in. ‘She knew him.’ She looked familiar, but I didn’t remember her from family things or friends of my mom and dad, and then it hit me. She had been at his funeral. And I remembered Phyllis being uncomfortable when she came in. But you know she wasn’t the type to cause any kind of scene, nothing to draw any attention to her.
“Rebecca told me right up front that she didn’t want anything from me and that she had no intention of going to anyone else with what she was going to share with me. And then I knew for sure.
“‘Your dad and I were lovers,’ she told me. She didn’t beat around the bush with ‘we were friends,’ ‘we worked together,’ just came right out with it. All I could think about was Phyllis. And as I listened, my mind raced and I knew that she knew, all those years, she knew it…”
Beth wanted to say something, but she could tell it wasn’t the right time, he wasn’t done unloading.
“She told me that they ‘shared a bed’ for fifteen years.
“Shared a bed…” he repeated, “my dad, Bethy, he was a cheater and a liar. All those nights ‘working late’… he was with this woman and Phyllis knew it, and she stood by him and loved him anyway.
“After I was home from rehab I talked to her about it. I had to, and she told me she knew. She told me she forgave him. ‘How?’ I wondered at the time, and then I thought of you and every time you forgave me, but it was too late for us by then. When I knew that I could commit to you, when I knew that I could go forward and be true and honest to you, it was too late. I loved you, love you now more than I can say, but I was afraid to commit to you, afraid of hurting you.”
Beth didn’t know what to say, so she listened. She knew how hard it was for him to share this with her. She wanted to comfort him, but she knew that wasn’t what he wanted. It wasn’t why he was telling her. He wanted her to know why he held back all those years. It made her sad for him, as well as her. But she knew; if fate had led them down a different path all those years ago she wouldn’t have Carlee, wouldn’t have had the Cancer Foundation.
‘Everything is part of a greater plan. We can only move forward and learn from the past,’ Beth thought.
~ ~ ~
Carlee’s Birthday - December 1, 2001 ~ Today is Carlee’s fourth birthday. We woke her early and everyone sang to her, and she loved it. Then John took her out to lunch while Andy, Vince and Kimmy got a little party together, just family, but there seemed to be a lot of that lately. Carlee loved the Little Mermaid. Kimmy ordered a cake. Andy, Vince and Mom put aqua tulle all around to make it look like water. When she and John returned everyone was there and the party began. Keeping in the theme of things Andy had Roddy get her a pearl necklace. I’m afraid she is going to be spoiled, but my girl was so happy!
~ ~ ~
December 3, 2001 ~ I’m feeling so much better and I’m up, out of bed more. I love sharing in all the activities that lead up to the holidays. I still can’t sit. Soon, I hope… Andy, John and Carlee put up the Christmas tree last night and made it fun! I just sprawled out on the sofa on my stomach and said things like; ‘more on the left, add some tinsel over there…’ I think Andy enjoyed it. Carlee just adores him. I think the feeling is mutual, and John is jealous. But I think it’s OK.
This was a repeat performance for Carlee and John, but a new thing for Andy. All those years and Beth couldn’t remember him ever even hanging an ornament on the tree.
Beth and Carlee sat at the kitchen table and wrote her Santa letter. Andy looked on and smiled at the picture he saw. Beth folded the letter when they finished and they put it in an envelope and addressed it.
“Daddy will mail it in the morning.”
John took the list to go out Santa shopping. Kimmy had taken Carlee to her house for a while, so once again, Andy and Beth were alone. She tried to get him to get out for a while, not shopping, just go for a ride or something, but he wouldn’t hear of it.
December 4, 2001 ~ I know, first of all, he doesn’t want to chance being recognized so he is laying-low to avoid any chaos here. I also know that none of them want to leave me alone for a second. But I know, too, that Andy wants to squeeze in every second that he can as long as John is OK with it. I like it, too.
~ ~ ~
There had been so much going on that no one paid much attention to things going on outside the house. Roddy called daily, but it wasn’t much about business, he called to check in. This day was different, though. Andy had released a greatest hits album in March. There was new material on it and Roddy called with some wonderful, exciting news of accolades for Andy.
“Yesterday, Today and Forever” had been nominated for a Grammy for Song of the Year. It was very exciting news. Andy was being stubborn about it, and said he wasn’t going to go to the awards ceremony. Beth knew it was because he was afraid he’d miss something there with her. The ceremonies were still weeks away. Beth made it her mission to wear him down telling him he needed to go, needed to be there; needed to celebrate.
He really needs to go, this is a big deal!
~ ~ ~
Christmas 2001
Beth didn’t want any Christmas celebration for herself. She wanted to make it all about Carlee. There wasn’t a gift greater than the love of family that anyone could have given her. The best gift for her little girl would be to have the most fun holiday ever. They did make a big deal celebration of the day. Her family was there, her brothers and families visited all day, all of them together, so it was a special time for Beth. Dina and Nathan came in, and of course Roddy and Vince were there. It wasn’t the big sit down meal like at Thanksgiving, but Vince and Liz put together a spread of party foods that everyone nibbled on and enjoyed all day long. Her family always said if Beth could live on chips and dip, cheese and crackers, and a birthday cake, the corner with the border and a rose, that she’d be the happiest girl on earth.
~ ~ ~
Beth talked and talked to Andy about the importance of him going to the Grammys but he wasn’t budging. He had no desire to leave her. He stayed with her every second John was away and he couldn’t imagine loosing those precious moments.
And then, suddenly, he had something on his mind. He thought long and hard, and struggled, but he had to proceed. One evening after Beth was asleep he opened a bottle of wine and invited John
to join him in the sunroom.
“I have an idea that I’d like to talk to you about,” Andy said to him after a while. “I have already talked to Dr. Reilly, because I wanted to make sure she was able before I even brought it up to you.”
“What is it?”
“I would like to ask Beth to go with Roddy and me to the Grammys. I haven’t mentioned it to her. I wanted to talk to you first.”
John sat for a while looking across the table and wondered how he would respond. ‘What was best for Beth? What would it mean for them?’
“I know this is a difficult request, John. It isn’t easy for me to ask. Roddy will be there the whole trip.” Andy felt he needed to clarify. “We will charter a plane so the flight will be comfortable for her. We would leave on Monday, the ceremonies are Tuesday evening, and we would return Wednesday. I think Roddy can pace it out to give her plenty of time to rest. He will make arrangements for private arrival and departure from the event. We would have a suite for her to assure her comfort.”
‘He isn’t begging,’ John thought, ‘he’s giving me a proposal for consideration.’
John still said nothing, though. He was going through the facts in his head just as he would any proposal presented to him. He sipped the wine, and gave each consideration the full thought process.
Andy watched him and could see the wheels in his head turning. He knew it wasn’t an easy request.
“I have to do what is best for Beth,” John finally said.
Andy nodded. He understood how important that was.
Rock and Roll Never Forgets (The Rock and Roll Trilogy) Page 25