Rock and Roll Never Forgets (The Rock and Roll Trilogy)

by Barbara Stewart

  This business isn’t easy. Life on the road, travel, no privacy, wild hours, female fans; it was hard on her. I never knew how important that solitude was to her, until it was too late. I loved having her with me. I saw the difficulty and turmoil it caused her, but she seemed OK to be wherever we were, so I just rolled with it. I realize now, how arrogant that was. I didn’t really know how hard it was for her until I read the emotions in her journal from that time. It saddened me greatly that I played a part in that havoc.

  With all the good, there were also trying times in our life together. I made mistakes over the years. We saw our way through each storm and back into each other’s arms. The year 1991, took me to a dark place; parts of that time I don’t even remember. It was a horrible time and the beginning of our undoing. The one constant in my life, the one good thing, and I pushed her away. I hurt so bad that I pushed everyone away. It was a time of deep despair and I reached a low that I never dreamed possible.

  During that time, through Roddy, I followed what Beth was doing the best I could. I tried to help care for her in any way possible, but I could barely take care of me. I couldn’t allow her to be part of the nightmare my life became during that time. I had to protect her from what I was going through. At least I thought that was what I was doing.

  Once on the mend I needed her back so badly. She’d become such a part of me that I couldn’t begin to imagine my life without her. I tried to keep my efforts subtle, because I didn’t want to push her further away. But she wasn’t receptive. I took a chance that night, showing up at that Cancer Foundation event. I had to see her, and when I did, I realized only then, exactly what I let get away. I kept at her until she gave in, came back to me, and once again we were ‘us’. It was the happiest time in my life, in the life I shared with her. It was the time when I started to really think about a lifetime with her.

  Only suddenly it wasn’t good anymore. I tried, but that overwhelming feeling of the life I led finally beat her down and she left. I didn’t screw up that time. I didn’t send her away. She walked away. Actually, I think she ran. Once she said that maybe she should, “run like hell…” I think it was then that she did. I gave her time. I continued to hope and pray that she would see her way back to me, but she moved past me. My music became my life. The years passed. And Beth moved on… to John and little Carlee.

  Then I received that call. It was harder than I could ever imagine. It was John telling me of her illness. The life crawled from my body as he spoke. I was numb. He invited me, allowed me, to come and share this time with them, as a member of their family.

  “She needs the people she loves around her,” he told me. “We need to help her through this time in her life.” I struggled with John’s news for many reasons. I would be losing her all over again and I didn’t know if I would be able to deal with it. But I also wondered if I held some of the blame. I had a lot of time to think on the flight east. I thought about the beach in Eleuthera, the days she relaxed at home in Corpus Christi by the pool. Was all that part of the problem – the cancer? No one could be sure… I had seen that mole and never gave it a second glance, a ‘beauty mark’ I thought when I noticed it the first time.

  She was asleep when I arrived at the hospital. I pulled a chair beside the bed, waited, and I prayed. I know it wasn’t as long as it seemed before she awoke. And when she opened her eyes, to see them again, moved me beyond words… She spoke and it was a weak, whisper of a voice, but that sound was heaven to me. We talked, and we talked, and we talked.

  I put everything on hold. No touring, no promotional jaunts, Roddy handled everything about the business side of my life. I was going to be with Beth. John made arrangements for me to stay with them. I began to understand what drew Beth to him. He knew her needs, sometimes even before she knew them herself.

  In the beginning stages she insisted that daily functions remain as normal as possible. She wanted that for Carlee. That beautiful child, a part of Beth, stole my heart. John went back to work and that meant travel. When he did he left Beth in my care. It was so good of him to understand that I needed to be there in whatever way he would allow. Those times with her, those alone times were so special. Sometimes she would sleep and I would wait. Sometimes it was back to the conversations that we had been so good at and that I so desperately missed those last years.

  One day, early on, when we were talking, she asked why I hadn’t moved on. “I had that one love, and I blew it,” I told her. “I’ve dated but what I find is that I compare everyone to you. She looked at me, as if deep in thought, as I continued. “That’s not fair to anyone. Not to you. Not to me, and surely not to the other person. So I just keep it causal.”

  She was the one in my life that I could never replace. I found, with each passing day that I really didn’t want or need to. But there was another ‘woman’ in my life. Her name is Carlee Elizabeth. I’m her ‘Papa’, and I absolutely adore her. Nothing about her reminded me of Beth, except that she was Beth’s child. Seeing her with Beth, I saw us, saw the children we could have had. I would bring this up to her when we were alone talking. She always said the same thing, “shoulda, coulda woulda, if it was meant to be it would have been.” And I told her how stupid I was, how foolish to let her get away. I could have been going through this with her. And with her grace and style, she would remind me, that I was.

  When John was working, we filled our days with talk. We worked on the thoughts for the book. We laughed and cried over memories. I would think to myself that her life in print would be a wonderful legacy for Carlee, for all of us. All that was coming together nicely, she was pleased and Norton Edwards became a good friend to all of us. Another member of Beth’s extended family.

  Then came L.A., that trip to the Grammys, that new beginning for us. I think John knew what he was risking, but he always put Beth first. When I went to her room, when she was ready to go to the ceremonies, emotions, that I never anticipated, hit me. I could barely breathe. She was absolutely stunning. So beautiful, glowing and gorgeous, that it left me unable to speak.

  The ceremonies were such a treat for her. Being out and dressing up, she was an angel that night. It was exciting for her, seeing people she hadn’t seen in several years, people from ‘her past.’ And I wanted her there with me more than I can say.

  Winning the award for that song and her being there was greater than any gift I could imagine. Despite all that was going on, our hearts and souls were finally at a calm place where she was comfortable. Finally, after twenty-some years, she was at ease with us. Roddy left us to dine alone after the award ceremonies. We enjoyed conversation; a good meal and I held her, for as long as I could. We spent that last night, wrapped in each other’s arms and we slept.

  When we returned she became mine once again. Going home to her life in Florida was hard. I didn’t know what we would encounter. Beth was married, she had a child, a family life; what would that mean. But when we arrived, John was gone. His keen insight… he knew. And I wondered what that would bring, but in the short time I knew him I learned that he put Beth first. He left without incident, and Beth and I made a life together.

  As the changes and adjustments were taking place in our relationship, my life finally revolved around hers. It was a beautiful routine and I cherished every moment with her, and that beautiful little girl. We were a family. In any quiet time, I wrote. I found peace putting my thoughts into words, feelings poured from me like wine from a jug.

  Standing in the darkness,

  I watch her sleep,

  It brings me peace.

  When there is happiness

  I watch her laugh,

  It gives me joy.

  Even in silence

  I watch her dance,

  It gives me freedom I’ve never known before

  She is my life, my world and so much more

  My one true love

  ~ ~ ~

  The very best time of my life was far too long coming. Walking to the gazebo with Bethy on
my arm, knowing that we were finally going to spend the rest of our lives together was bitter-sweet. I couldn’t imagine a happier day. Yet in the back of my mind I wondered what the ‘rest of our lives’ really meant. And I was sorry it didn’t happen earlier, but always she would remind me; “Shoulda, coulda, woulda…”

  “At Last” couldn’t have been a more appropriate song. All those years, all those memories, at last we were where we should have been all along; together, really together.

  We had some good days, Eleuthera, learning her all over again. Back home, learning Carlee’s routine. They were the best times in my life and I rejoiced.

  But the weeks went by, and with each, Beth deteriorated a little more. She stayed tired. That vibrancy was diminishing and it was sad to experience. She slept longer and when she was awake she wanted Carlee with her as much as possible to get in every squeeze, giggle, and cuddle possible. I couldn’t leave her side, because I wanted the very same thing; every squeeze, giggle, and cuddle possible…

  Those last days went by much too quickly. We were all there together, by the bed when she took that last breath. And then in the last moments I was there with her she gave me one last gift.

  You are with me always

  The things I shoulda done

  It’s all a dream away

  A piece of me

  A part of me

  My heart a part of yours

  The dreams we coulda shared

  It’s all a dream away

  A thought

  A plan

  To be your man

  It’s what I woulda done

  It’s all a dream away.

  ~ ~ ~

  I will treasure the feel of her, the smell of her forever. It’s been almost two years and we’ve all moved on, but we’ve done so together. Beth’s extended family, because of Carlee. John shared her with me, and I am forever grateful. I love that little girl so much.

  Recently Traveler was given a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. It was to celebrate the band’s thirtieth anniversary. Even though we have moved on, we still get together every so often and do a song. Most times, they are for a charity that one of us holds dear.

  We were all there for the “Star” ceremonies, Carlee, Beth’s mom and dad. Kimmy and her family, Roddy and Vince, Norton and of course all the Traveler guys and their families were there. It was a grand celebration.

  When they unveiled the star it was magical. It was Dina’s gasp I heard first. The star was, as usual, but this one had a tiny sparkle in the top point of the star. The designers did it to represent Beth who was so much a part of who we were. Of course, there were tears, by all of us. Carlee and I sprawled out on the pavement beside the star, and Kimmy took a picture. That beautiful little girl is my ‘star’ now. That picture, along with the one of Beth from the beach in Chicago and our wedding picture are on my desk.

  As I read her journals, the chronicles of us, I experienced such emotion. I read with pain the holidays and birthdays that I didn’t acknowledge. I said it’s hard, this lifestyle. I missed a lot of things that Beth longed for. Thinking back, now, it wouldn’t have been so hard to be what she needed. It wouldn’t have taken much more than a card to please her, something as simple as decorating a Christmas tree meant something to her. I didn’t realize it until too late.

  She was a simple woman. I didn’t make the time she needed, and reading her words tore me apart. Yet at the same time, they breathed life into me. She was so willing to give, happy to do whatever I needed. She always put her own needs on hold and I was selfish enough that as long as she appeared happy, and we were together, life was good.

  I think now, on a phrase that she often used; “Shoulda, coulda, woulda.” And I know the things I should have done. Wish for time to go back, to do the things I could have done. And dream about the way it would have been. But that is past now, and as she said; “fate saw differently for us.”

  Norton gave me copies of the tapes as well, and the sound of her voice was heaven. I listened over and over. Sometimes I play a portion of a tape where I know I will hear her laugh. There are copies that I’ve put away for Carlee, too. She will need to remember that laugh as well. And she’ll be able to read the gift of love that Norton compiled from all the notes, tapes and journals. But hearing her mom tell those stories will give her one more gift.

  When I think of that quilt she referred to, I have so many thoughts. I remember snuggling under the Nana quilt. I also think about combing antique stores when we bought the chalet. We went into one store and hanging there, on an old wooden rack was a quilt. To me it looked old and worn, but Beth saw the beauty of it.

  “Look at this!” She ran her fingers over the fabric, of course she knew what the pattern was. “Oh Andy! This is a treasure!” she yelled excitedly. We took it home and she had a frame made for it and it hung on the wall at the chalet. When the chalet sold Roddy didn’t know what to do with the quilt. Knowing what it meant to Beth, he had it put in storage. But time passed and it was forgotten, until I read the journals. I pulled it out and hung it in my office to remind me of the treasure Beth was.

  I still wear that Mizpah; only I have both halves now. It keeps her close to my heart. All of this reminds me how special Beth was; how we are all better because of her, because she loved us, because she was Beth. I will go on, we all will, but I know now that I will grieve for what we could have had for the rest of my life…

  281

  Rock and Roll Never Forgets

  Chapter Thirty~Two

  The Gift

  It’s time to put a ribbon on this and call it the gift that it feels like. I read and reread her journals, listened and listened again to the tapes. I met with her friends and family; they shared with me what they thought, what they felt, and what they remembered, about their time in her life. Beth’s story, the legacy that she left us is now complete. I can’t say for certain, but I think we were all changed, I know I was.

  She taught all of us about dignity. She taught me that friendship and loyalty are first and foremost. And she taught me that you never forget your first love.

  I gave Andy the many journals Beth wanted him to have when I was through. I wondered how he would react. She hadn’t told him of this gift and he cried; only I realized that they were tears of joy. He had her back. He left for a short time to go back into the recording studio and A Dream Away – Bethy’s Song became one of his biggest solo hits.

  This is the end of what I hope is a wonderful tribute to a beautiful woman. I hope that I have told her tale well, given her the gift that she wanted for her family and friends to share. The gift of that quilt she wanted to leave them with; the gift of her heart.

  287

  Coming Soon

  When I Look to the Sky

  Book Two in the Rock and Roll Trilogy

  Moving On – June 2003

  Andy sat on the stool behind the glass watching for Marco to give him the thumbs up. When he did, Andy slipped the headset on and listened for a moment. The music began, first a piano intro, followed by violins; finally he leaned toward the microphone, closed his eyes, and sang the words, fighting the emotions that bubbled to the surface every time he sang them.

  You are with me always

  The things I shoulda have done

  It’s all a dream away

  A piece of me

  A part of me

  My heart a part of yours

  The dreams we coulda shared

  It’s all a dream away

  A thought

  A plan

  To be your man

  It’s what I woulda done

  It’s all a dream away.

  Marco DiMario, Andy’s sound engineer, watched from behind the glass. Andy’s friend, Nathan Perry, was beside him at the sound board as Andy sang. When Andy pulled the headset off, he looked up and saw Nathan with a big grin as Marco rose from the chair and gave him another, enthusiastic, thumbs up. Nathan opened the microphone to the studio up and yelled, “It wa
s awesome! You want to hear play-back?”

  “I’m coming over there,” Andy replied. He was anxious. This song was the last one of the tracks they were recording. He knew he shouldn’t have saved it for last. It was the one that was most important to him; it should have been the first, but he couldn’t do it, so he recorded tracks for every other song until this was all that was left. The studio musicians finished their portion of the recordings and left yesterday. He had no more excuses, and now he was done - he hoped. Exhaustion had finally set in. They’d been in the studio for a couple of weeks, and he had a lot going on outside the studio, as well. He only had a few days left to get ready for his trip, and he was eager to get things done. He pushed the door open and headed to the sound board where Marco and Nathan were waiting.

  “Well,” he said with a chuckle, “by the stupid grins on your faces I guess it was OK.”

  “OK?” Nathan said and thumped him on the back. “Way better than OK…”

  “Are you ready?” Marco asked, but before he started the play-back added, “And remember, this is raw, no tweaks, no nothin’…raw!”

  Andy sat down, leaned back in the chair, put his feet up on the console, and closed his eyes as he listened.

  “Yeah,” he felt the corners of his mouth turning up into a smile. “I guess we did it, saved the best for last. What time is it?” he asked abruptly.

  “4:10,” Marco told him.

  “She’ll be home now. I gotta call her.” He went to the console where he’d dropped his things when he got there. He picked up the phone and dialed, leaned back in the chair again, and a big smile crept across his face when she answered.