Without Doubt

by CJ Azevedo

  Not having the stomach to eat anymore, I pack all the food away and stuff it into the refrigerator. Tonight is going to suck. Chances are sleep won’t find me yet again.

  Chapter Five

  Declan

  A last minute fight landed me in New Jersey Thursday afternoon. I missed my Thursday night beer at Max’s that I had been looking forward to all week long but the fight went well. I was able to hang out at my aunt’s Hamptons’ house with the guys and my cousins for a couple days, which was cool, but I hated that Ava wouldn’t leave my mind. All day and all night she resided front and center of all my thoughts. It didn’t help when my cousin, Talon, asked me about having a girl. Since Ava was already present in my thoughts, his question just drove me a little crazier. I didn’t have her phone number and I was pretty sure calling Max’s would be considered stalking, so I ixnayed that idea real quick. I had already sent two people to her as a form of communication so I thought a third or a random call would be no good. Unfortunately. Any other girl I would do what I wanted, damn the consequences. Then again, any other girl wouldn’t have me considering calling her work just so I could check on her.

  Greyden, Luca and Keegan hounded me relentlessly over my “obsession” with Ava. I wouldn’t call it an obsession—infatuation maybe—I’m not obsessed. Regardless, if one of them hadn’t said something douchebaggy within the hour, someone else picked up the slack before the sixtieth minute hit the clock. Good times.

  We are just arriving back in San Jose and all of us are shuffling out to the airport parking lot where my sister should be waiting for us. It’s been about 45 minutes since the last bout of laughter at my expense, so I know another dig is coming soon.

  “Dude, I keep forgetting to ask you about something,” Greyden asks seriously, causing me to check my watch—he’s right on time.

  I shake my head before responding. “I’m done, Greyden, we’re back in Cali, it’s somebody else’s turn now.” I try to pick up speed as I spot Macie in my parents’ Escalade, but they all catch up to me, laughing. I swing open the back door and start hurling our bags in, jumping into the front seat as the guys pile in the back.

  “Hey, guys! How was your trip?” Macie asks with clear amusement on her face.

  The guys continue to laugh and I continue to ignore them.

  “Seriously, Dec,” Greyden clears his throat, trying to gain control, “I dropped off that bag to Ava and she said something interesting. I didn’t get it at first, but I think I may have pieced together her cryptic message.”

  Dammit. I didn’t count on Ava talking about the tip I sent her.

  “Greyden, what are you talking about? You’re speaking all cryptically now,” Macie says as she glances in her rearview mirror.

  “Nothing, Mace. Don’t worry about it.” I turn the radio up and Luca and Keegan start flipping out, wanting to know what Grey’s talking about. Of course.

  Macie turns the radio back down, watching me out the corner of her eye. Greyden puts his hand on my shoulder as he leans forward to get my attention.

  “I’m just curious, bro, how much did ‘we’ tip Ava in order for her not to spit in our beers?”

  I look back to see Greyden’s eyebrows raised in question and Luca and Keegan looking super confused.

  “I didn’t tip Thursday,” Luca says.

  “I didn’t either,” Keegan agrees, shaking his head, still confused.

  “Neither did I. Dec said he’d take care of it,” Greyden explains, keeping his eyes on mine.

  The car is super quiet now and all eyes are on me except for Macie’s, because she’s driving, but that doesn’t stop her shifty eyes from meeting mine sporadically. I take a deep breath and wait for the humiliating berating to begin.

  “Those damn girls that were with us were being bitches and I felt bad, so I gave her a hundred bucks and said we all threw in so she wouldn’t spit in our beers the next time we were in. Okay?” I say quickly.

  After only about a ten second pause, a unanimous “okay” floats across my ears. I’m shocked. Nothing else is said about Ava the rest of the way. Macie drops the guys off at their respective destinations before I ask her to go to Max’s with me for a quick beer. She nods her agreement with knowing eyes. My sister’s not an idiot.

  I walk in after Macie and notice Ava over at the bar immediately. She’s wearing those little jean shorts again and has her plaid button down shirt tied up to her navel. Her long, blonde hair is wavy tonight and hanging around her face. She’s simply stunning. She looks up just as the door closes behind me and smiles a wide, kind smile. I want nothing more than to take her bottom lip in between my teeth and gently tug until an unavoidable moan escapes, but I won’t.

  Macie grabs a table and we sit as Ava heads our way.

  “Hey, guys! How’s it going?” Ava says cheerfully, mostly looking at Macie.

  “We’re great, Ava,” my sister replies, her voice sunny as always. “I just picked Dec up from the airport and wanted a quick drink before we headed home.”

  “Oh! Where’d you go?” Ava asks, looking at me this time.

  I get lost in her green eyes for just a second. “I had a last minute fight arranged on Thursday in New Jersey. That’s why we didn’t come in on Thursday.”

  “Did you win?” She scrunches up her little nose and slightly tilts her head to the side in question before rushing on to continue. “Just lie if you didn’t, because I would hate to hear that you got the crap beat out of you.” She shakes her head furiously as if she wanted to completely erase her question.

  Macie laughs hard and I can’t help the low chuckle that rumbles from my chest. “I did win and I’m not lying.”

  “Good!” Ava says on a breath. “Well, let’s get you some celebratory drinks on me! What’ll it be?”

  “I’ll have a Corona and Mace will have a glass of white wine, whatever your House is will be fine. It’s not on you, though, Ava. I’ll buy them.”

  Ava shakes her head and says she’ll be right back with our drinks. I watch her walk away in her tiny shorts before looking back to Macie; her eyes, so similar to mine, watching me intently.

  “Has a nice girl finally got the attention of my big brother?” she asks with a smirk.

  “Shut up, Macie.” I laugh with my little sister for a moment. “I’ve caught so much shit from the guys over this girl; it’s ridiculous. What’s worse is that she won’t even go on a date with me. I’m catching all of this heat and am reaping no rewards for it. It sucks.”

  Macie smiles softly at me for a minute before she decides what she wants to say. She touches my arm softly and gives it a quick squeeze. “I only had a minute to speak with her last week, but she’s really sweet. I don’t know what her reason is for not wanting to go on a date with you, but make sure you’re careful with her, Dec. She seems quiet and thoughtful and very reserved; you need to keep that in my when pursuing her. She’s not your typical gym rat that hangs around pretending to work out so she can look at you. She’s different.”

  Scrubbing my face with both palms, I try to shake Ava from my mind. I fail. As usual. “I know. I know all of that and I think that’s probably the reason that I can’t stop thinking about her.” I look up at Macie to see Ava approaching our table. I’m sure she heard at least part of what I just said and I can’t decide if that’s a good or bad thing.

  “Here you go!” Ava trills happily as she places our drinks in front of us. She reaches up to brush her long hair out of her eyes before looking down at me. “Um, thanks for the dinner the other night. It was delicious.” She slides her hands into the back pockets of her shorts, which pushes her chest out towards me, drawing my attention there immediately. It’s different with her, though—it’s not a well-rehearsed, look-at-my-tits move like most girls I know. Ava has no idea what she just did to me below the table. She rocks back on her heels and gives me a small smile when my gaze finds its way back up to her eyes; she looks uncomfortable.

  “You’re welcome. I’m glad you liked i
t. It’s from my favorite Italian restaurant.” Amazingly, I manage as I keep both hands on my beer bottle, because the urge to grab her is nearly irresistible.

  “Can I talk to you for minute?” she hesitates briefly before adding, “in the back maybe?” She looks over at Macie with an apologetic look and Macie just beams her bright smile back at her.

  “Sure.” I really have no idea what she would want to talk about that needs to be done in private but I’m not about to stop her.

  I place my hand at the small of her back and she looks quickly over her shoulder at me. I smile to reassure her that its ok and she continues walking. She doesn’t know me, I don’t know her, but I know there’s something here that I normally don’t have with a stranger. I mean, if you can call her a stranger; to me it seems like Ava is instantly friends with anyone that crosses her path.

  We walk into the break room and she leans her hip against the table that sits in the middle of the room. There are a few overstuffed leather chairs and a matching sofa on one side with a kitchen on the other. Ava crosses her arms and looks at me, her brow furrowing while I imagine she contemplates what to say. The only noise is the hum of the ceiling fan and I’m completely content just standing here in the slightly broken silence, watching her brainstorm.

  I don’t know what direction she’s planning on this conversation going, so I decide to wait and let her work it out in her head. I stand with my hands in my pockets, just watching her, thinking I could stand here, admiring her, forever.

  She takes a deep breath before speaking. “I’m just going to be honest here. It’ll probably make me look bad, but I just don’t know of any other way to go about it.”

  I’m stumped. “Ok. Honesty is good,” I encourage her. “What is it you need to say?” Without over thinking it, I take a step closer and she automatically straightens her stance.

  “Let me ask you this first—why did you send me that dinner?”

  I don’t even have to think about that answer before replying, “Because those ramen noodles are terrible for you and I don’t like the idea of you eating badly. Because I wanted to take you to dinner, I still want to, but you won’t go with me. Because I was hoping it would make you smile. Because I wanted to and I usually do what I want, Ava.”

  Her breathing hitched a bit and then she slowly nodded her head a couple times. At some point during my answer, I took another couple steps, so I’m right in front of her and she’s looking up at me, her neck elongated and exposed.

  “Ok.” Her words come out like a sigh and I think goosebumps just popped out on the back of my neck.

  “Did it make you smile, Ava?” I would be called all kinds of things if the guys ever heard any part of this conversation, but I don’t give a shit. I like this girl a whole lot, and for some reason I haven’t figured out yet, I want to make this confusing, frustrating, hot as hell girl mine. I want to make her smile.

  “Yes. Thank you.” She places her small hand on my cheek and I’m tempted to dig my hands into her long hair and pull her face to mine so I can press my mouth against her shiny, plump lips and not let go for a while. But I won’t. I’ll let her do this at her pace.

  Before I know it, she lets out an agitated puff of air and drops her hand from my face. She squeezes past me and pulls a chair from the table around to me. She faces it towards the door. “Sit. Please.” She sounds irritated and it’s cute as hell. “I can’t say what I need to say while you’re looking at me with your big stupid beautiful eyes.”

  I don’t mean to laugh at her, but a low chuckle escapes my lips before I can stop it. After I sit, I lean forward to put my elbows on my knees and twist my lip ring to keep from turning around to watch her pacing behind me.

  “I’ve seen you come in and out of here for a while now. I even asked who you were. I’m sure it’s obvious that I’m attracted to you and you seem to alter my way of thinking when you’re too close to me. Your note with the outrageous tip and the note along with dinner made me feel things I can’t allow myself to feel, Declan. I don’t know why you’re doing this; nobody does, actually. Everyone that has spoken to me seems to be dumbfounded at the things you’ve said and done regarding me. I hate that after just one conversation and a few notes and gestures from you, I can’t seem to stop myself from thinking about you. I missed you this last week, Declan. That’s crazy. I mean crazy like, maybe I should be committed for my obsessive stalker tendencies kind of crazy.”

  I can’t do it anymore. I told myself that I would hear her out, but she’s starting to get really upset and I can’t let her think that she’s alone in the “obsessive stalker tendencies.” I stand up slowly and face her. She’s still pacing and ringing her poor, small hands against each other furiously. I grasp both of her shoulders to stop her from pacing.

  “I’m not finished,” she states skeptically in a tortured voice, looking up into my eyes. Tears are resting on the brims of her eyelids.

  “Okay,” I whisper in fear of startling her; she seems to be in a different world at the moment.

  “I live a life that you wouldn’t possibly be interested in. I have responsibilities and obligations that made me grow up way too quickly and I’ve adjusted to that.” She looks away and pulls in a long breath. “Certain circumstances keep me from having fun. I don’t party. I don’t have friends; not really, anyway. I go to school and work around the clock and I have…” She trails off for a minute, seemingly deciding whether or not to continue. “I have other things that take up whatever time is left over. Which, trust me, is not much. I don’t know what you’re looking for from me, but I’m certain I can’t deliver.”

  “I understand all of that, Ava, but I very much doubt that you couldn’t deliver.” I slide my hands up to grip the sides of her neck and allow my thumbs to graze the bottom of her jaw.

  “I’m serious, Declan. I can’t and won’t bring you into a relationship that doesn’t suit you and I’m definitely not the girl that hooks up. That’s just not me. Even if I really wanted to just have sex with you, I couldn’t do you. I mean do it. Dammit, none of that sounds right.” Her big, round, green eyes are horrified by her confession, but stopping my smile and laughter is actually impossible.

  Everything about this girl drives me wild.

  “You’re not helping your case any, Ava Sterling. Every time you open up that beautiful mouth of yours, I’m a little more attracted to you for several different reasons.”

  Her shoulders drop and she lets out a ragged breath.

  “Can you at least let me decide if some kind of relationship with you suits me or not?”

  She backs away from me before she starts her short pacing again. “No, I can’t. If I do that, then you will have me sucked into living a life that won’t last and the only thing I’ll be left with is a broken heart.”

  “Do you always say what’s on your mind?” I hate the idea of breaking her heart, but love the fact that she thinks I’m capable of owning that much of her.

  “Yes,” she says with sheer confidence, and I know she means it.

  I go to her once again, but this time I wrap her up in my arms without giving her a choice. She smells like vanilla bean. It’s incredibly enticing; I want to bury my nose beneath her ear and breathe her in. But again, I won’t.

  “I can’t do this, Declan,” she manages sadly. Softly. “You won’t want to once you know the real me, all of me. There’s just so much that you don’t know. It’s a deal breaker, I swear.”

  “I bet it’s not, but why don’t you tell me anyway? We can go from there.”

  “Because it’s not something I discuss with people.” Her voice is low and she rests her head on my chest, her arms wrapped low around my waist.

  I don’t know exactly where to go from here, but I figure I may as well be just as honest. Maybe it’ll help change her mind. “I missed you too, Ava. I hated not coming in and seeing you on Thursday. I hated even more that I didn’t have your number to call you. Want to talk about obsessive stalker tendencies? I ha
d to leave my phone in my fucking suitcase so I wouldn’t be tempted to call the bar to talk to you.” I feel her laughing softly and can’t help but love the feel of her body rubbing against my chest and stomach.

  “That’s not true,” she whispers softly.

  “Hell yeah, it is. Ava, I got off a five-hour flight and drove straight here to see you. So if you should be committed, then I should probably be imprisoned.”

  “Shut up.” She laughs loudly, looking up at me.

  I’m about to renegotiate some dating terms with her but just then Dustin, the owner’s son, comes barging in, looking a little pissed.

  “Ava, Dad needs you back out there.” He looks from Ava to me before offering, “Hey, Declan,” and shaking my hand.

  Ava squeezes me gently with her arms before pulling back away. “Thanks, Dustin. I’ll be right out.”

  Dustin nods once and then leaves us standing in silence.

  “I need to go, Declan,” she says, her voice shaking the tiniest bit.

  “Right. Ava, I’m not asking you out and I’m not asking for your secrets, but let’s at least swap numbers, okay? That way we don’t have to miss each other, even on a friend level. I feel the need to make sure you’re okay, so if I get called to go across the country again I can make sure everything’s all right with you.”

  “Ok.” She looks and sounds hesitant, but she gives me the answer I wanted.

  I’ll take it.

  Chapter 6

  Ava

  Nearly three months later…

  Declan- Morning Sunshine!

  It’s been almost three months since Declan and I exchanged phone numbers. I thought hiding behind the phone would keep me safe from any growing feelings I might experience. I was wrong. He texts me every day, several times a day. I haven’t taken him up on any of his offers to go out with him and the guys, which I’m sure didn’t surprise him any, since he’s quickly becoming aware that I wasn’t lying when I said I had zero free time on my hands. He still doesn’t know about Harper, which has been a challenge on several accounts, but I keep telling myself its better this way.