by CJ Azevedo
I take the seat next to her and pull her into my arms and she sobs. “I’m sorry, Ava. I’m sorry I’ve been so shitty this past week.”
She continues crying and burying her face in my chest. “I know what this must seem like, Declan. I had no idea, I swear, I didn’t.” She thinks, she… Oh, God, she thinks that I think she knew this whole time?
“Sunshine, no. I know, without doubt I know, that you didn’t know. I know you better than that, baby.” I cup her face and kiss her as I steel myself to fill her in on why I asked her to be home right now. I pull myself back some and try to ease the tension at the back of my neck and clear my throat a couple of times.
Ava sits a little straighter and dries her face with the end of her sweatshirt sleeve, realizing that I have more to say. “What? What are you not telling me?” Her voice sounds constricted and scratchy and I just want to take her back to bed and start this whole week over.
“Sunshine, this whole thing is out of my league. I didn’t know what to do after Farrah left.” I swallow the knot in my throat and look away from Ava’s big, green, intrusive eyes that I can feel reaching all the way down to my soul; she doesn’t say anything, just keeps looking and waiting. “We’re a family, the three of us. You and I would have decided that soon enough, but Harper made that official last week and that’s not something that can be broken, if you ask me. As far as I’m concerned, even if you won’t marry me, we’re together, the three of us, forever.”
“Dec, it’s not you that I won’t marry. It’s just marriage in general that I don’t necessarily agree with. But you’re starting to scare me. Are you breaking up with me?” Her voice hiccups and I want to punch something. “Because I don’t believe in signing a contract if you love someone?” Her look is incredulous, not that I blame her. She believes at this point that it’s marry me or leave—I would be skeptical too. I have to do this. I really don’t want to, I hate it actually, but it has to be done, for the future. So Harper knows when she’s older that she is more than wanted by at least one of her biological parents and that she was blessed to receive Ava.
I stand as I take in a deep breath and walk over to fridge to grab a bottle of water. I hold it out to her and offer her one silently. Apparently that was the wrong thing to do. She lets out a frustrated growl and springs to her feet as she spins to face me.
“I don’t want a freaking water! Just spit it out!” she yells as she crosses her arms over chest.
I usually love when she gets all worked up, but not today. This shit sucks. “All right.” I take a drink of my water to coat my dry throat and lean against the counter, propping myself up with my hands gripping the granite behind me and my feet kicked out in front of me. “We know that Farrah has hooked up with someone pretty successful and who, most likely, has the means to get what he or Farrah wants. What I don’t want happening is for either of them to decide what they want is Harper.”
“Oh, gosh,” she says breathlessly and sits back down in her chair on a jagged exhale. “I never thought about that.” The tears come on their own accord and she doesn’t even attempt to stop them.
I’m there in three long strides, grasping her up in my arms, shushing her like I do Harper when she loses control of her emotions. Although, Harper’s tears are usually from her lollipop getting dirt on it, not from the potential of losing her daughter.
“Ava. Ava, listen to me. I am not going to let that happen. Ok? I fucking promise you, I won’t.”
Ava looks up at me, eyes completely bloodshot, lips swollen, nose and cheeks red and her entire face wet. “Promise?”
“Yes, Sunshine. I promise.” I pull her back into my chest and she buries her wet face in my neck. I’m not finished, not even close, but I’m hoping now that she can see and understand why I’m doing what I’m about to ask her to do and if so, then it won’t be as bad as it could be.
I hand her the bottle of water again and she sits up enough to drink some while I push back the hair that is matted to her face. “I love you,” I tell her as she lowers the water bottle from her puffy lips.
“I love you too. I feel like we’re in a bad dream and I can’t wake up.” She takes a deep breath and concentrates as she turns the cap back into place on the bottle like it’s a Rubik’s cube and she’s determined to figure it out. “You still aren’t finished, are you?” she asks quietly, peering through her long, wet lashes at me.
That knot is back in my throat and I can’t speak yet so I just slightly shake my head no.
“You know,” she begins again with a pensive look across her beautiful face, “when I was younger and I started dating Jax, I was the happiest I had been since before I could remember.”
What the hell? I don’t want to hear about her ex-boyfriend, especially not right now.
She sits even straighter and looks me in the eye before she continues. “It was very soon after we started dating that we found ourselves in love—high school sweethearts, each other’s world’s, all that. I thought he was my forever.”
I feel like a damn mosquito keeps stinging me close to the same spot each time, but not quite, because with each word of her past love for another guy comes another annoying little sting that keeps intensifying with time. Where is she going with this?
“My forever with Jax didn’t exactly turn out how I expected it to, Declan, and I honestly didn’t plan on ever finding anything like that with anyone ever again, at least not until Harper was grown and out of the house. A husband and a family, or a family outside of Harper and I, wasn’t on my radar. I didn’t have the desire to be hurt again, to lose another piece of my heart to another past love. Then you walked into Max’s, and then kept walking into Max’s…” She pauses and smiles as a little laugh escapes and I feel the corner of my mouth start to tug upwards also. It’s a good memory. “You didn’t allow my well-crafted plan to stay in motion, away from men, and I’m happy about that because now I know that although what I had with Jax was real, it was minimal compared to the love we have. I don’t know what else you have to tell me, but just keep in mind that both of my parents walked out on me and I haven’t ever bothered to look for either of them. My only sibling left her daughter and me and I never tried to find her, either. My boyfriend left to go to school and I didn’t follow.” Ava’s voice is becoming more forceful, stronger as she continues, “The only person in this universe that I will move Heaven and earth for is Harper. I’m aware that she’s yours biologically, but she has been mine in every other sense her whole life and I will never take that lightly.”
An avalanche lands on my chest as her words spill from her mouth. Every single person in her life that she has loved has hurt her and left her. I’m not trying to do either of those things, but I have a terrible feeling that she’s not going to see it like that. Ava has lifted herself from my lap and is currently rinsing her face with cold water from the kitchen sink. My chest physically hurts when I breathe in but all I can do is watch her; watch my world as she puts herself back together and prepares for what’s to come next. Slowly, after drying off her red face, she turns and looks at me and waits for an explanation.
If I didn’t know her so well and understand that she needed her space for this, I would be across the kitchen gathering her up in my arms in a second so she can feel the intensity of my love for her and never doubt it as I tell her my plan. But I can’t do that. Instead, I have to sit too far away on this damn chair that was way too expensive because Macie said I had to pay for comfort. Well, I’m not feeling the comfort today.
“First things first, Sunshine. I am not breaking up with you. Secondly, after I explain, I’m not letting you break this family, either. Got it?” It takes every ounce in me to sound like a hard ass when I feel like an emotional girl; I’m completely freaking out right now. But this is how Ava usually responds to me, so I’ll give it a shot it.
“Just tell me, Declan.” She’s tired, and I get it because I am too. That week we went without talking paled in comparison to this past week.
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“Like I said earlier, Sunshine, when your sister left here that day I had no idea what to do or how to feel. I was lost and confused. I knew that nothing really changed because I had already considered her mine for a long time, but somehow in that short conversation, the wires inside me were switched around. What I felt for Harper that morning and then the feelings that were growing were definitely not the same. The change was almost surreal. It was like a panicked feeling. Don’t get me wrong, panicked in a good way for sure. I didn’t realize that before that morning I was missing any type of love or feelings for her; I honestly didn’t think I could love or worry about her any more than I already did, but I was very wrong.” I chance a look at my beautiful girl; a smile graces her lips and it urges me to continue. “I didn’t go to the gym with Grey. We drove around for a couple of hours and he let me talk it through, trying to get it straight in my head. Then I did the only thing that kept coming back to me. I called my lawyer.” I don’t want to look at her now, but I can see her blonde head bobbing up and down as if she expected as much.
“I know you have custody and I believe wholeheartedly that there would never be a problem as far as the three of us go. Actually, I know that. That’s not what I’m worried about. What I’m worried about is the fact that we live in California and your sister can snap her fingers and get Harper back whenever she wants. There’s nothing wrong with her, she’s a fit parent, and she apparently has the means to support her child now.”
“So you want full custody?” she asks quietly. “I would have a say in this house, but nothing medically or legally? Is that what you’re trying to say?”
A sigh escapes me because it sounds bad; I hear it myself. She’s so angry, she’s no longer sad. She’s fuming.
“We think it’s the safest course to take. If Farrah were to try and get her, the best she could get would be fifty percent custody, and even that would be a fight with Harper already living in our home with her biological father and you, who has had custody basically her whole life.”
“And you expect me to just sign her over to you? Relinquish all rights, all…all decision making? She’s not a car, Declan! This is a child. My child! I can sort of see how you would think this makes sense, but this is not happening. You’re not taking her away from me. All it takes is one screw up, one change of plan, and I’m screwed. I lose parental rights to her legally now and it’s fine because we’re a team, but what happens next year when you’re famous? When you can’t resist the women throwing themselves at you and you cheat on me? Or…”
Oh fucking hell no, now I’m livid. I know she did not just throw shit in my face that I haven’t even done. Just as my anger is rising, I notice Ava collecting herself. She takes in a deep breath and closes her eyes for a few seconds before reopening them and continuing.
“I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair, but what happens when I become too normal, too boring for your new life and we just don’t work anymore? I hate to admit that out loud, but it’s a definite possibility that we have to consider here, Declan. Then, at that point, the state has the location of both of her parents and since at least one of them wants her, there’s no way in hell I have any chance at being her mother. Sure, we can pretend all we want. She can call me Mom, she can live with me half the time if you would be so kind to let that happen, but I can’t register her for school. I wouldn’t even be able to sign her emergency card. And college? I would have to be on the sidelines for everything, Dec. You can’t do this to me.” Ava is sobbing as she slides down to the kitchen floor and I just sit here with my face in my hands, because I’m helpless.
There isn’t a damn thing I can do.
Chapter Twenty
Ava
Today is the day. We have been through months of waiting. Harper isn’t a priority case, according to the state, since she had two parents that love her deeply, so much so that we can’t decide who deserves her more. It really wasn’t that difficult of a case according to Jax and his father, who so kindly took me on. California is a cluttered mess and things take time. Not in all cases, but for the most part, biological parents trump anyone and everyone. My sister wanted absolutely nothing to do with any of this and wanted to make sure that her new husband’s name didn’t get dragged into any drama so neither of us have heard anything from her.
It probably would have been cut and dry from the initial paperwork Declan’s attorney filed that he is awarded full custody of Harper Layne Sterling, but Jax’s dad is good. He’s made enough ruckus with Declan’s attorneys to get us into a meeting with a mediator to try and get me at least some medical and legal rights.
When I moved out of Declan’s, I decided to put school on hold. It’s something I never thought I would do, but hey, life gets in the way of your plans…or… life is what happens when you’re busy making plans or something like that. I took a job as an entry-level child psychologist and Marla and I moved into a cute three-bedroom home in a nice neighborhood. When we first moved in, there was no real rhyme or reason to when either Declan or I had Harper, we just did what worked for us, but we quickly realized that didn’t work for Harper. The girl has had structure her whole life and not having it was wreaking havoc on her whole world, so we very cordially sat down together and decided that we would do seven days on/seven days off and she would come to me whenever he had to go out of town. I cried every day for my first seven days off. I hated it. I made Declan Skype me every night at bedtime and before work too. He didn’t seem to mind, but it wouldn’t matter if he did, since it was necessary for my survival.
There hasn’t been a point where I wish I could take all this back and go back home to them. But there are points every day, especially throughout the long, lonely days, that I wish and pray that things could be different. Declan is the one guy for me, the one who ruins all others. I may not be lonely for the rest of my life. I may be able to find another guy, or another guy may be able to find me, but he won’t be able to hold a candle to Declan. This is fact.
I’m just finishing slipping on my heels when the doorbell rings. Marla had to work this morning and is meeting with the family back here after court. I take a quick glance in the mirror and barely recognize myself from back when I tended bar at Max’s. Gone are the cut offs and plaid shirts, in their place is a sleek grey skirt suit with white color blocking down the sides and a smooth white fitted tank underneath. My hair is down and straight in its A-line bob; my makeup is more than I used to wear but is still very natural.
I walk down the hall and cross through the living room to answer the door and am immediately swept up into Jackson’s strong arms. His very professional father is standing behind him looking quite amused.
“God, you’re beautiful!” an impeccably well-dressed Jackson exclaims as he squeezes me tightly.
I blush immediately. I have loved this boy almost half of my life and I’m blushing. His father clears his throat to remind us of his presence. Jax sets me down carefully and adjusts my blazer for me, or he really just wants to get his hands on me and he finds this to be an appropriate way to do so.
“I know, Dad, but look at her.”
Mr. Andrews and I both laugh and I shake my head as I step back and gesture for them to come in.
“You have a beautiful home, Ava, you should be proud of all of your accomplishments,” Mr. Andrews says, and I can’t help but hear him silently telling me not to get my hopes up for today.
“Thank you, sir. I am proud. My life hasn’t turn out exactly as I had planned, but someday I’ll get there.” I gesture for them to sit on my new-to-me sofa as I take a seat across from them on the love seat. “Can I get you anything to drink? Some coffee maybe?”
Mr. Andrews sets his briefcase down and folds his hands in his lap before softly declining my offer.
Jackson raises his eyebrows at me. “Nah, I’m good,” he says as his eyes trail up and down my bare legs, definitely visualizing things we have done in the past. He’s being completely inappropriate and I’m so stunned I’m stuck jus
t sitting here, watching him watch me.
“All right, Jackson, that’s enough. You’re going to have to pull it together and stop staring at her like you’re going to go over and lick her at any second or you’re staying here.”
Oh…My…God. He did not just say that! I’m going to die now. Jackson bursts into laughter and his father quietly joins in but I’m too mortified for that to soothe over my embarrassment.
“I am terribly sorry, Ava, that was incredibly rude of me to say in front of you, but I had to snap him out of it; today is too important,” Mr. Andrews says sheepishly, still with a small smirk playing on his lips.
“God, Dad! That was funny!” Jackson laughs as he stands up and comes around the coffee table to sit next to me. He wraps an arm around me and kisses me on the cheek. “Ok, lets get this over with so we can get out of here.” He pulls me a little closer and I feel safe, part of me just wishing I was fifteen and somewhat free instead of 23 and about to go to mediation for a custody battle.
“All right, so the plan is to go in there with the written Custody and Visitation Proposal we have prepared and with the parenting plan that you came up with upon moving out of Mr. James’ home. Has he been following that?” He is no longer Jax’s dad at this point; he is now Mr. Steven Andrews, attorney at law.
“Yes, he has.” I knew Declan would be just fine taking care of Harper while I wasn’t around to help him make decisions, but it made me feel better to have a manual of sorts for him and as far as I can tell he has followed it to a T.