by CJ Azevedo
“Good. Then really all we need is for you to walk in there with your confidence high and for you to keep an open mind. We already know that you won’t be the one coming out on top, so you need to be reasonable on every point of topic. Make sure to give as much as you can; our main focus is the Joint Legal Custody specifically focusing on medical and housing, so we want the ball in our court at that point.”
“Right.” Jax tightens his grip on my hand and I take a deep breath.
“I highly doubt Declan will try and change the visitation agreement, although you will have to cover that and sign papers to show your agreement. The main focus today should be about the Legal Custody. If for some reason he does switch it up on you, do not sign anything. If it’s something you think you can discuss in the room with him and agree then go ahead, but if not, then tell them you do not agree and we’ll just have to schedule another date after we can meet and go over the changes together. Remember, you can always ask to step out to confer with Jackson and me if necessary. The mediator won’t tolerate it often, but if it’s appropriate, I’m sure it won’t be a problem.”
“Okay,” I say confidently but I am feeling anything but. I want to crawl back in bed. I have on power clothes, hair and makeup but I feel powerless. I seriously cannot even imagine going through this with someone I despise. We’re both just trying to do what we feel is best. I understand that but I am her mother I shouldn’t have to fight to have a say in her life.
* * * * * *
It’s been a couple weeks since I’ve seen Declan. We’re on day six of his week with Harper and Aubrey was the one to do the exchange the last couple of scheduled pickups and drop-offs. I hadn’t realized how much I looked forward to those ten minute meetings with him. That is, until I missed out on thirty minutes worth of Declan in the last three weeks and I feel like we’re going through the break up all over again.
I’m terrified that I’m just being a stubborn woman, but then I think about my own life and my own mother. I wish my mother would have been half as stubborn, half as interested, and stuck it out for me. I have no idea why she left or where she went, what I do know is that she didn’t fight for Farrah and me. She didn’t put us first. I honestly have no idea if our lives would change when Dec becomes famous, but because of that possibility, I have to make sure we’re covered.
When we arrive at the court house, Mr. Andrews tells us he’ll go ahead and notify them that we’ve arrived. He walks briskly to the front steps and disappears inside the wide double doors. Jax and I step outside and he comes around to my side. He looks so mature and handsome in his three-piece suit and styled-to-perfection hair. He hugs me tightly then pulls back and cups my face before kissing me softly, just like he used to before I started dating Dec.
“I love you, Ava, and I always will.” He exhales lightly and shakes his head, never breaking eye contact. “Whatever happens today, you’re going to be just fine. He’s not taking her away from you, I just wish you could see that and go back to your family where you belong.”
“What?” I am drawing a complete blank right now. This is the first time he’s ever said anything like this to me. When he first showed up at Marla’s the night Declan told me of his plan, he was pissed, livid actually, and throughout this whole process he’s been supportive in helping me get my case together. This is coming out of left field.
“You’re killing yourself over this, babe, and I’m just not sure I understand why anymore. At first I did, because we didn’t know how he was going to react to knowing she was his, but he’s proven himself. He’s done everything you’ve asked, even followed that damn manual, which we both know was just ridiculous.”
He’s right, it was ridiculous, but like I said, it made me feel better. I lean back in and let him hug me. He smells good; he’s changed his cologne and his scent is manlier now than it was back when we dated, which I guess he is. He’s comforting, a constant, and I need that.
“I need to know that I have a say or at least some control if he walks away, Jax. They always do. It’s fine, really, but there would have come a time when he moved on from me and where does that leave me? Alone, that’s where. Alone, with Harper every other week and no say in the important decisions in her life. I can’t control when he leaves me, but I can at least try to control the outcome of it.”
I can feel Jax’s heart rate speed up beneath my cheekbone and his arms tighten around me. The seagulls are too noisy for this moment and they’re annoying me. The air is cool and the day is bright and I would give just about anything to go to the beach with Declan and Harper instead of walking into that mediation right now.
“I didn’t leave you, baby, you know that right? I didn’t just walk away.” His voice sounds pained.
We’ve gone over this so many times it’s beginning to feel like a broken record, but I’ve always told him that I do know that; I guess maybe I don’t.
“I’m sorry, Jax, I didn’t mean anything by that. I’m just feeling sorry for myself today. We should probably get inside, though.”
He nods once then grabs my hand and walks me across the parking lot to the steps of the court house. I start to pull my hand out of his, not wanting to run into Declan while holding hands with my ex-boyfriend, but Jax holds tighter and stops. He looks down at me like I’m crazy; I’m sure he thinks I am. In the last nine years of holding his hand, I probably haven’t ever withdrawn my hand from his.
“Sorry. I’m not sure if Declan is in there or not and I don’t want to…” What I don’t want to happen is for Declan to lose his temper and smash Jax’s face in, but I don’t want to say that either, I just let my words trail off and let Jax come to his own conclusion.
“Right,” he says with a tight smile and a nod of the head. He gestures for me to go in front of him and then holds the door open for me before placing his hand on my lower back. This won’t be okay either, but let’s just hope we don’t run into Declan.
Inside the old, musty-smelling building, Mr. Andrews is just coming from around the corner to meet us. “Just in time,” he says. “Everyone is here and ready. Declan has requested that no attorneys be present; he would like for it to be just the two of you.”
My stomach drops. I suspected as much. The majority of the time, attorneys don’t go into mediation, but hearing him request it just be the two of us does things to my insides and I don’t think I like it.
I nod anyway and we follow Jax’s dad around the corner to see Declan, his parents, Macie, Greyden, and two beautiful women I’ve never seen before. I’d like to vomit now. My head automatically turns to the side where Jax is standing and he gives me an encouraging smile and a discreet wink. All I can think is, Lord, please let those women be his attorneys. Please, please, please!
Just as I turn to introduce myself, Declan is standing up and his mom is rushing over to me. Tears are streaming down her face as she squeezes me tightly.
“Oh, darling, I’ve missed you so much. I just hate that you kids are having to go through this.”
I close my eyes and try to find the words that I should say to the woman I once looked to as a mother of sorts and yet haven’t spoken to in months. Not even a phone call.
Before I can speak, she beats me to it. “Sweetheart, I’m sorry I haven’t called. I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t know what to do, and Declan told me to stay out of it.” She shoots Declan a dirty look and he shakes his head as he comes closer.
“That’s enough, Mom. Let her go.”
It seems as if she’s going to listen, so I give her shoulders a quick squeeze and tell her that I understand and that I miss her too before she goes back to her husband, who just smiled a kind smile at me.
“Hi, Ava, it’s been awhile,” Declan announces as he approaches me.
The words just slip out before I can stop them. “It seems like forever,” I say on what sounds like an exhausted exhale.
Declan laughs and I blush, not really believing I just said that to him in front of everyone. But that’s
what this guy does to me; he always has. He makes words and feelings tumble out, consequences be damned. He looks delectable. He isn’t in a three-piece suit like Jax, but he is wearing a suit, a sharp black one with a grey shirt and it dawns on me that we match. A tiny sigh seeps through my lips just as my gaze finishes its decent of his delicious body. Before I know it, he’s stepping in closer, too close actually, and leaning in so our chests are grazing one another and I would probably be holding my breath in anticipation, but his scent… Oh, how I have missed this man’s scent. My eyes close of their own accord just as his warm fingers brush my hair behind my ear and his hot breath breezes across my lobe.
“You look stunningly beautiful, Sunshine. I can’t seem to take my eyes off of you, and that might be a problem if you keep looking at me the way you are.” His feet adjust so they’re on either side of mine and he’s pressed right up against me. His right hand goes to the back of my neck and the left hand goes to my lower back, his lips still at my ear. “Have you missed me as much as I’ve missed you?”
My breathing is shallow and it’ll sound a lot like panting if I don’t keep the volume under control. My eyes are closed, so in my world, it’s just the two of us and we’re at home, for the heck of it, let’s say we’re in our shower, our oasis, together. The water is hot, the steam is high, and the anticipation of our bodies reuniting is killing both of us, but we’ll survive it and it’ll be mind-blowing. I slightly nod my head in the affirmative, slowly coming back to the present.
“What are you thinking about?” he croons. “Are you remembering what it feels like to be pressed up against me, Ava, or are you thinking about all the things I would do to you if we didn’t have an audience right now? I can tell by the way your body is tense and your breathing changed that you’re remembering… I’m remembering too, baby.” He takes a deep breath in and I swear he takes my breath with him. “Will you just promise me one thing before we go in there?”
I don’t know if I can promise him anything before I can go in there—depends on the promise. I tilt my head back and look into his heated eyes; he’s just as effected by this exchange as I am. “What is it?” I ask quietly.
He turns my head back forward by the grip he has on the nape of my neck and whispers in my ear again, “Promise me you’ll talk to me after we meet in there. When we walk out, please leave here with me, not Jackson. I’ll take you home, but we need to talk.”
That sounds reasonable enough, I suppose. “Okay.”
When Declan steps back from me, he thanks me and goes back to stand by Macie and Greyden, leaving me feeling overheated and many other things I shouldn’t be feeling in the presence of other people, including Declan. Damn him. Everyone was apparently watching us; I couldn’t be completely sure because my eyes refused to open during that whole encounter, but now that they’re open and Declan is walking away from me, I can see that their eyes are still watching. Jackson and Macie both look worried. Mrs. James looks delighted, Mr. James looks like he doesn’t have a clue as to what’s going on, Greyden looks content, and the two beautiful women look a little perturbed, which pisses me off. Just as I finish my assessment, a short, older woman opens a door and calls us back. Declan gets a quick word from his lawyers and Jackson gives me a brief hug. Mr. Andrews whispers in my ear to be strong and confident and cordial, to remember what our main objective is and that if it’s important, I can come out to speak with him.
Declan holds open the door for me as I walk into the room where the mediation will take place, but his hand does not take up residence on my lower back like I’m used to, or I used to be used to, anyway. The older woman gestures for us to take our places on either side of the table and we do.
My palms are sweaty, my stomach is in knots, and my head is a tiny bit dizzy. These are close to the same symptoms Declan forced upon me just outside of this room moments ago, but they felt totally different. I don’t like the way these symptoms are leaving me feeling. I blow out an audible breath and the woman, who has now taken a seat at the head of the table, offers me a warm smile.
“It’s okay, dear. From what I understand this should be a piece of pie.” She continues smiling but then her wrinkly forehead crinkles even more and her head tilts in thought. “Or is it cake? I never understood that expression to be honest, and pie rhymes better, anyhow.”
I smile at her and I hear Declan chuckle a little from across the table.
“Well, all right then, you have quite the crowd out there, so let’s not keep them waiting. You can call me Sally. I may be old, but I can still put you in your place and a guard is just on the other side of that door if necessary, but I don’t see there being any problems like that with you kids. Am I wrong about that?” Her gray, styled-high head of hair swivels back and forth between Dec and I.
“No, ma’am,” we offer in unison.
“Your attorneys have already given me all that you have both prepared and the real problem that I see is that this little Harper Layne is almost loved too much, if that’s possible. She’s a beautiful little girl.”
“Thank you,” we say once again in unison and then my face turns red as I catch Declan’s eye. I have nothing to be proud of with her beauty; I had no hand in making her. She looks nothing like me, at all. Declan shakes his head and looks back at Sally; I’m not sure at what though.
“You have agreed to fifty-fifty custody, seven days on and seven days off, with Harper at Ms. Sterling’s for Easter and Mr. James’ for Thanksgiving. Christmas you agreed that she would be with Mr. James until six pm Christmas Eve, at which point she will be dropped at off at Ms. Sterling’s home. She will spend Christmas morning there and then will be dropped off at Mr. James’ home at noon and will stay with him for the remainder of the week, then your normal schedule will resume. Do both parties still agree to this Joint Physical Custody agreement?”
Not once during this reading has she looked up at us, she just recites off the paper in front of her without emotion; in the meantime I’m trying to accept the fact that my daughter’s life is being put down on paper like holiday store hours. People choose mediation for the control to remain in your hands. You don’t have a stranger like a judge, whom has never met your children decide what’s best for them. How does a judge know that on Christmas Eve, my daughter and I bake cookies together for Santa, that we have been doing that since I wrapped her up in my Moby wrap when she was just a baby and started a tradition? He doesn’t know that the Easter bunny freaks her out and there is no way anyone but me can calm her down if one gets too close. A judge is clueless as to what a month away from her mother would do to her if that’s the custody he decided on. He has no idea that I am her mother in every sense of the word even though I didn’t give birth to her. I don’t think he would even give that consideration, in fact I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t, since it took so damn long to get custody of her in the first place even after Farrah abandoned her.
“Ava?” Declan states my name kindly but firmly and I blink my eyes rapidly to focus back to the here and now. They’re both staring at me with concern brewing in their eyes.
“I’m sorry, I guess I got carried away with my thoughts for a moment. My apologies.”
“That’s all right. Mr. James said the agreement has been working thus far and he still agrees to keep it the same. Do you?” Sally asks softly.
“Yes, I do. I would like to request that Declan leave Harper with me instead of the nanny when he travels for his job when possible,” I respond and Declan sits back in his chair looking all too relaxed. He nods his head in agreement and Sally makes note of it.
“Now, next we move onto the Joint Legal Custody. Ms. Sterling is asking for fifty percent in this as well, for the education, religion, housing and medical decisions concerning little Harper. However, Mr. James is requesting sole legal custody.” Sally looks up at us as if we’re going to say, “Oh really, its no big deal, whatever he or she wants will be just fine.”
Unfortunately, neither of us are willing to bend on t
his and that’s why we’re here. I knew this coming in today. I’ve known this since I walked out his front door, but hearing Sally say it so matter-of-factly and Declan not deny it crushes me all over again and I struggle to remain strong and confident like Mr. Andrews told me to be. I sit a little straighter in my chair and run my hands down my blazer while I slightly clear my throat.
“I will be willing to forfeit religion and education if he will give me a say in housing and medical decisions.” I do not in any shape or form want to give up my rights on her education, but let’s face it, she’s going to go to a great school under Declan’s watch; I know this. By the time she goes to college, it’ll be her choice. Religion? He’s not going to force anything on her.
Declan rubs his hands over his face in exasperation and places his elbows on the table as he leans forward again.
“Mr. James?”
“It’s not that I’m choosing to not let you have a choice, Ava. I’m protecting Harper from allowing any room for Farrah to step in. If you would just come home, you would make all of the decisions like normal and this damn piece of paper would be hidden in the safe and no one would ever have to know about it.”
I can hear in his voice that he’s tired of going through this. Well so am I, but he’s forgetting that once that agreement is official, it’s forever for me. He will always have a say, not me. He and I are not guaranteed, and I can’t live without a guarantee with Harper.
“I’m just asking for housing and medical decisions, Declan. You’re already allowing me to make decisions with the housing and I already make her medical decisions. I’m just asking that we have it on paper so when the unknown happens, I’m protected as her mother.”
“What unknown Ava? What are you talking about?” he asks quietly and earnestly, his intense eyes boring into mine.
“You’re protecting her from the possibility of Farrah coming back. I’m protecting her from her next stepmother. You will undoubtedly get married someday, or move a woman into your house, and she will begin to influence your decision making on situations dealing with my daughter. That I can’t allow to happen, Declan. I need a voice. I need to know that I am doing all I can to protect her. When we cross that road in the future, my hands will be tied. There will be no coming back in here and changing things because I’m not her biological parent, you are. If I sign this, the system will no longer view me as her mother, they will not allow me to contest to anything you do or say in the future.”