Deep Water

by West, Sinden

  “Um, hi. Is Joseph home?”

  She just nodded like she wasn’t surprised. “Sure. He’s out back.” She stepped aside so I could enter and nodded with her head down the hallway. I stepped in and saw the hall led all the way to a door at the back of the house. Even with the light it gave, it all seemed terribly dark and pokey in comparison to my house.

  “Thanks.” I stepped past her and walked down the worn carpet. There were a few photos on the walls but, conscious of her eyes on me, I didn’t stop to look at them.

  Joseph sat on the back porch smoking a cigarette. He must have heard my footsteps and the door bang behind me, but he didn’t turn around.

  “Joseph?” His head twisted rapidly to look at me like I’d given him a fright.

  I took a step back in shock when I saw his face. One eye was nearly swollen shut, and that same side was marred by bruising. His lip was fat, and a cut had clotted. My tongue darted out to touch the wound on my own lip, but that one I had done myself. He turned away from me, sucking on his cigarette.

  “What are you doing here?”

  I nearly took another step back at the hostility in his voice, but I steeled myself and moved forward instead to sit beside him. I lifted a hand to touch his damaged face. If I had been thinking straight I would have known that it would just hurt him more, but I wanted to help and they only way I could think to do that was to touch him.

  But he ducked away from me. “What the fuck do you want?” he snapped. My hand was left stupidly suspended in the air before I slowly curled it back to my body and hugged my knees.

  “I’m sorry about the stuff I said last night.”

  He let out a short laugh. “Great. You can go now.”

  I felt my face crease with hurt and I pressed my lips together to stop them twisting and making an involuntary sound. I twisted my hands together. “Joseph–”

  He turned to me. “What?” he barked out. “You think we need to connect now that we fucked? Trust me. I’ve fucked loads of girls, we don’t.

  I swallowed. “Why are you being so mean?”

  “Mean? This isn’t me being mean, Jessie. I just don’t have time to deal with you and your fucking rich girl problems.” His swollen, beaten mouth formed something like a mocking smile. “Your parents are getting divorced, boo hoo. That’s not a problem; it’s a fucking gift!” He pointed to his damaged face. “This is what a real fucking problem is.”

  “Joseph,” I said, desperately, wanting to say something, anything to change how he was acting.

  “Shut up.” He inhaled violently on his cigarette before blowing the smoke over me. “Seriously, what is your biggest problem? Is it deciding to eat one carrot or two a day? The fact that you have the audacity to have an eating disorder when you could have as much food as you wanted is like a slap in the face to everyone who’s ever starved.”

  “I don’t have an eating disorder.” The words blurted out, an automatic reaction driven by the shock I felt at his cruelty.

  “Whatever you say, princess,” he sneered. “Do you do it for attention? Is that it?”

  I tried to swallow over the lump in my throat and blinked back tears.

  “Joey,” came his mother’s voice from within the house. “Katrin’s here!”

  Footsteps thumped down the hallway, and then Katrin opened the screen door. She stopped short when she saw me, her eyes darting to Joseph.

  “What’s she doing here?” She was frowning, worry clearly imprinted on her face.

  Joseph flicked the butt of his cigarette away as he stood. “Don’t worry about her.” He wrapped an arm around her waist, pressing a kiss to her cheek as I watched. “I let her have my dick last night, and she’s decided she can’t get enough. Unfortunately, I had to tell her that it’s all yours today, and she didn’t take it so well.” He gave her a teasing grin, which she tried to match, but she still kept darting worried little looks in my direction. He opened the door for her to go inside before giving me a look that I could only read as enjoyment at his cruelty. “Don’t worry, Jessie. There’ll be plenty for you another day.” Then he grinned. “I tell you what. I’ll let you take my cock in your mouth next time. You’ll like it. I hear cum has next to no calories so you can swallow it safely down without worrying about getting fat.”

  I stumbled up to my feet, before shoving past him to enter the house. Katrin stood in the doorway of a bedroom, watching me. I averted my eyes from hers and made it out the front door and to my car. My hands trembled as I tried to put the key in the ignition, I finally got it, and the car roared to life. I slammed my foot down on the accelerator in my haste to get out of there.

  It was hard to keep breathing as I drove, and I didn’t even remember consciously heading to the lake. But that’s where I ended up. I got out of my car and sat at the water’s edge. Somewhere in the distance, someone was still daring to water ski, and the wake kept licking at my feet. I took several, shaky breaths as I kept opening and closing my eyes in the hope that everything that just happened was an unbelievable nightmare.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Dad cooked dinner. He grilled steaks and made an attempt to be happy, chatting about his new apartment and how there was always room for me to come and stay. I smiled and listened, a small part of me unclenched at the fact that he was being optimistic and my mother hadn’t totally destroyed his life.

  I cut into the steak and chewed each piece thirty times exactly. I ate at least half since he’d gone to so much trouble.

  “Any plans for tonight,” he asked, spearing his own meat.

  “I think Eve said something about a party.” Plus I had the urge to get really, really drunk and forget everything. “How about you?”

  His smile was wide. “I’m just going to meet a friend for a drink.”

  “Anna?”

  His smiled froze, before he said carefully, “Yes.”

  I placed my fork on my plate. “Were you having an affair with her?”

  “Jessie–yes, yes I was.”

  I stared at my plate. “I don’t blame you,” I mumbled. He got up and walked around to my side of the table, wrapping his arms around me.

  “It’ll be okay, sweetheart. I promise.” He kissed the top of my head. “Why don’t you go get ready for your party? I’ll clean up.”

  I sat on my bed for a while before I started to get ready. I had tried to practice thinking of other things besides Joseph; things that didn’t make me feel completely humiliated and want to hide my head from the hurt.

  THE BEST WAY TO GET REVENGE IS TO HAVE FUN! The headline from the magazine on my bed screamed at me in a hot pink scrawl. This was the same piece of literature that told me chewing my food thirty times made it less likely to end up in wobbly rolls on my thighs, and that the secret to a perfect ass was one simple exercise done every day. I doubted its validity on these issues, but they were things I did anyway. But maybe there was some truth to the revenge idea. I would have fun tonight. Never mind that I still felt seedy and weak from my intoxication the night before, the best thing to do would be to go to this party looking hot and sexy.

  The jeans I wore clung to me like a second skin, and I paired them with a black top that was cropped so my stomach was visible. Somehow, the scooped neck actually revealed a slight amount of cleavage enhanced by my bra. I ran my hands over my flat stomach. This was how I liked my body‒perfect without an inch of spare, useless fat.

  This party was by the lake. It wasn’t one of the fancy palaces on the lakes edge, this one was more of a decrepit cabin that soon would be bought out and flattened by developers. It belonged to the grandfather of one of the guys I was at school with, Nick. The grandfather had, apparently, been forced into a home and now his children were selling off all of the assets they could get their hands on. Nick was making the most of it while he could.

  Eve parked her car with all the others. “I have a feeling Nick and his friends are going to totally trash this place.”

  “Yep,” I agreed.

&nb
sp; “Hey, Jessie. Are you okay? You’re not upset about Joseph Fray are you? You had sex with him, big deal. It happens. Now you’ve done it once you can move on to someone else. Like Ewan. He’s cute.”

  I sighed, grabbing my bag with the beer in it. I’d let her in on the fact that I had had sex, but I wasn’t about to let her know about the humiliating cruelty he had shown to me afterward. “I dunno. I just want to get drunk.”

  “Sounds good,” she said brightly, getting out of the car. I followed her, beer in hand. We found somewhere to sit and were soon joined by our other friends. I moved over on the couch so Ewan could sit down.

  “Hey, Jessie.”

  “Hey, Ewan.”

  He was drunk already. His concept of personal space had gone out the window as he leaned against me. I drank my beer quickly, wanting to get as drunk as possible as quickly as I could.

  “Cheers!” He crashed his beer bottle against mine, which overflowed onto my chest and seeped down into my bra.

  “Oops, sorry,” he gave me a goofy smile. “Do you want me to clean it up?”

  I laughed. “No, but nice try.” I wiped it with my sleeve while taking a long drink.

  Eve collapsed down on the other side of me. Where had she been? I hadn’t even noticed that she’d gone.

  “Guess what? I just saw Joseph making out with that Katrin girl. He is such a slut. Can you believe it?” She directed her attention to Ewan now. “Honestly, he had sex with Jessie only last night, and now he’s screwing someone else!”

  I flushed deeply. “Eve, shut up!”

  “What? You screwed that loser? What were you thinking? How could you let her do that?” Ewan’s last comment was directed at Eve.

  I got to my feet, pushing them both away from me. “Would you both just shut up,” I scowled at them, taking my beer and leaving. I pushed through the crowd and stopped short when I saw them.

  Katrin had her hand on his chest and gave him a kiss on the cheek before she pushed away from him, disappearing into the overcrowded room. He watched her go, before leaning against the wall and taking a long drink. I watched him for a second. The bruises had come out in more color today. Someone bumped into me and that sent me moving. I walked over to him and leaned against the wall next to him. He didn’t notice me at first, but when he did it was when the beer bottle was half way to his mouth. He paused, before slowly taking the drink as he had intended. I took a drink of my own as well.

  “Is Katrin your girlfriend now?” I asked.

  “No.”

  “She thinks she is.”

  He raised an eyebrow at me. “Jealous?”

  I took another drink. “No. I feel sorry for her. You’re just playing with her for your own gratification.” Katrin reappeared then, her eyes darting between us and all the seductiveness and confidence I had seen before had disappeared. I spoke, before she could.

  “Poor Katrin. It must suck just being the comfort girl, the convenient one. Maybe you should stop being so convenient. You might find a better caliber of man.”

  Then I pushed away from the wall and left, heading outside to be away from the people and the noise. Not too many people were outside, it was cold now and I strode down to the water.

  “Hey,” I heard Joseph’s shoes in the sand. “Where the hell do you get off speaking to her like that? We are none of your business.

  I turned around to look at him. Even in the dark I could see that his jaw was rigid with anger. I was glad that I could spark that reaction in him. It gave me a twisted sense of satisfaction.

  “Why are you coming to her defense? I thought she wasn’t your girlfriend?” I laughed as I drank my beer.

  “Just shut up and leave Katrin alone,” he snarled. “You’re pissed at me for taking your precious virginity and humiliating you. This is nothing to do with her.”

  His free hand was now curled up into a fist, I nodded to it. “Wow, you get mad really easily. I guess that’s what your role model’s like. Are you following in his footsteps now, Joseph?”

  His lips pressed together dangerously and he took a step closer to me. “I warned you–” he started, but the idiotic, drunk part of my brain kept me talking.

  “Are you going to hit me now, Joseph? Is that how you handle stuff?”

  He stopped in his tracks, his eyes widening with shock and he looked down at his fist, loosening it immediately. “Of course not. How could you think that?” He took a deep breath. “Jessica–”

  “No,” I shook my head, plonking myself on a rock and taking a much needed drink. “Of course I didn’t think that,” I muttered. “I was just being a bitch. I just wanted to say something to hurt you.” I kept my head down, I couldn’t look at him. He kicked the sand before sitting beside me. He didn’t speak and neither did I. He didn’t touch me either, and I wanted him to. I really did.

  I finally got up the courage to look at him and found his eyes on me already. I wished that I could read what was in them.

  “Why were you such a dick to me yesterday?” I asked, finally.

  He looked away then. “I was embarrassed, more than anything. I didn’t want you to see my house, or my mom, I especially didn’t want you to know that I got my ass kicked by that fucking alcoholic again and I didn’t stand up for myself, again.”

  “But I don’t care about that kind of stuff. I mean, I care that someone hurt you, but you shouldn’t be embarrassed. You didn’t do anything wrong.” I waited a second. “And you were mad about the stuff I said? You should be. I can’t believe that I called you a loser–”

  “It’s true,” he cut in. “I am a loser.”

  “No! You’re not.” I took his hand, it was cold and I desperately wanted to warm it in mine.

  He gave a wry smile. “I am. I suck at school. I do things knowing that they’ll piss off my step-dad…” He looked me straight in the eye, his face suddenly serious. “But I won’t be forever, Jessica. I promise you that.”

  “I still don’t think you’re a loser,” I whispered to him, lifting my mouth to gently touch his, careful of his split lip. He moved back from me swiftly though after just a second.

  Rejection washed over me. “Sorry,” I said, in a small voice. “I shouldn’t have done that. I know you’re with Katrin.” But I still couldn’t let go of his hand.

  “I’m not, though. What I said to you before was the truth.” He let out a breath. “But maybe I let her get more…attached to me than I should have.”

  “Oh. So…?” What was with not fucking kissing me!

  “I’m sorry I had sex with you,” he rushed out. “I knew you were drunk, and I took advantage. So I just wanted to say that I was sorry. I know you wanted it to be special, and I’m especially sorry about how I acted afterward.”

  “It was special. It was with you. That’s what made it special.” I went to kiss him again, and this time he let me.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Terrence Teller’s house was cleaned by staff who were rarely seen. They cleaned the place while I was at school and remained in their own wing once their duties were done. My mother was loving playing lady of the manor. She was instantly elevated in her social status amongst her friends and at the country club.

  Teller had never had one of his woman move in with him before.

  She was on her best behavior, and that made me suspicious as to how many of her symptoms she could actually control. Or maybe he just never did anything wrong or to upset her…

  Dad’s apartment was nice. It had a bedroom for me to stay in if I wanted to. But he seemed to be spending all of his time with Anna, and I felt like I was intruding by being around them. Terrence traveled a lot with his business and Mom went with him, leaving me alone in this huge house. But that was okay, it was easier to breathe when she wasn’t around.

  And it was easier to invite Joseph over.

  We had spent the night of the party talking and making out. Apologies and talk of the future dominated our conversation in between kisses. It was amazing how he alone coul
d take me from despair the day before to a state of near euphoria. I don’t think that I had ever felt so happy.

  I introduced him to my mother. She gave him her best superior smile before waltzing away to her hair appointment. I had expected a sneer at least at his worn jeans, hoody, and bruising. But she was polite in the way she was to people who she thought were beneath her and I never heard any more about the matter. She obviously found her own love life far more interesting.

  She certainly didn’t know about the hours we spent together on my bed. We were always fully clothed. But I know she wouldn’t have approved.

  I lived for those times.

  I sunk back into the pillows as Joseph moved over me. He seemed to put so much concentration into kissing me like it was the most important thing in the world. I’d feel myself get lost underneath him and everything else melted away into nothing. His hands began to wander and he rubbed against me as a hand worked its way underneath my top.

  “Joseph,” I murmured between kisses. “Joseph!”

  “Sorry.” He rolled off me, panting. “Sorry, I got carried away.” He threw his own head back onto the pillow beside me and grinned at me. I grinned back at him.

  “I like kissing you,” he told me.

  “I like you kissing me too.” I reached forward and put my lips on his again, but his phone buzzed, interrupting us.

  “Shit,” he huffed. “Who’s that?” he asked after the third text message had come through. He sat up and reached for his phone, scrolling through.

  “Hey, sorry. I had better go.”

  “What is it?” I leaned over to look at his messages. The name Katrin glared up at me. I swallowed and forced a smile that was strained, digging my fingers into the bed. “What does she want?” I asked, cordially.

  “You’re pissed.”

  “I’m not pissed. She’s your friend. That’s fine. Your friend. Not someone you have sex with anymore.” I swallowed. “Am I acting like the perfect girlfriend who doesn’t care that her boyfriend’s still friends with someone he used to sleep with? Because I’m really trying here.”