When She Finds You

by A J McDine

  She picks up her coffee and stirs it. ‘I wasn’t sure you even knew we were married, if I’m honest. We sent you an invite to the wedding care of your parents’ address but you never replied.’

  ‘Never saw it.’ I’m on safer ground now. ‘I went travelling while you were at uni. I was away for years. Japan, Australia, South America. Mum and Dad only knew where I was when I managed to phone home. And of course there was no internet or mobile phones in those days. They looked after my mail, but they never mentioned a wedding invitation.’

  ‘Probably trying to protect you. I don’t blame them. I’m so sorry.’

  ‘Water under the bridge.’ I smile. ‘I always thought you fancied him.’

  ‘When we were kids?’ she says, appalled. Her dismay seems genuine. ‘I didn’t, I promise. I hadn’t seen him for years and then we bumped into each other on New Year’s Eve 1999 in Alberrys wine bar of all places. I was waitressing there while I was looking for my dream job in publishing and Ed had just started at law school in Guildford. We got talking. The first thing he asked me was whether I was still in touch with you.’

  My throat constricts and I take a sip of tea, not trusting myself to speak. But Lou doesn’t notice. She’s lost in her trip down memory lane.

  ‘I told him you and I had lost touch after I started at Warwick. He hadn’t spoken to you since the day you dumped him. He still seemed cut up about it. We exchanged phone numbers and that was it. I doubt I’d have ever seen him again, but I got a job as a publishing assistant at a small imprint in Guildford. Everyone there was in their forties and married with kids. I was Billy No Mates. So I gave him a ring to see if he wanted to meet up. He did. I’d just come out of a long-term relationship and he was between girlfriends. We went out on a few dates. We had a laugh, but I don’t think either of us ever thought it was serious.’

  She looks sidelong at me. ‘And then I found out I was pregnant.’

  Her words are like a right hook in my diaphragm and for a moment I am breathless.

  ‘Pregnant?’ The word is barely a whisper.

  ‘With Joshie,’ Lou confirms. ‘It knocked Ed for six when I told him. Becoming a dad at twenty-two wasn’t part of his life plan at all. But you know what a gentleman he is. Was. He asked me to marry him. And I said yes.’

  ‘Why didn’t you -’

  ‘ - get rid of it? I just couldn’t.’

  I stare at her, speechless. I literally have nothing to say. This close up she looks every one of her forty-one years. Lines fan out from her eyes and there are webs of tiny broken capillaries on her cheeks.

  ‘OK, so it wasn’t the love affair of the century. Not like you had with him. And we may have married for the wrong reasons. But we had a happy marriage and a good life, and there wasn’t a single day I regretted becoming Mrs Sullivan. And now he’s gone and I don’t think I can cope without him.’ Her voice, steady up to this point, disintegrates into a series of gulps and splutters and I fish around in my bag for a clean tissue.

  She blows her nose, flips open a compact and grimaces at her tear-streaked face. ‘God, I look shit.’

  ‘You’ve been through a tough time.’

  She reapplies her lipstick and snaps the compact shut.

  ‘Let’s not talk about it anymore. Too bloody depressing. Tell me your news instead, darling. Is this your first baby?’

  Taken aback by the clinical speed in which she’s switched from maudlin widow back into Ab Fab mode, I can only mumble, ‘Yes. Well, sort of.’

  ‘And when’s it due?’

  ‘First week in September.’

  ‘I see you’re married,’ she says gesturing to my ring finger. ‘Who’s the lucky man?’

  ‘Matt.’

  ‘And how did you meet?’

  I can’t help smiling. ‘He spilt a glass of red wine down my white dress in the bar at The Marlowe Theatre. We’d both gone to see Dara O’Briain.’

  ‘No way!’ squeals Lou, and it’s only then I glimpse the girl I knew behind the red lipstick and affectations.

  ‘He bought me dinner afterwards to apologise. We were married six months later.’

  ‘And how long ago was that?’ says Lou, clearly enjoying the story.

  ‘We had our seventh wedding anniversary in May.’

  ‘Got a photo of him?’

  ‘Sure.’ I scroll through the pictures on my phone looking for one I took on the beach in Corfu last summer. Matt looks tanned and relaxed and ridiculously handsome. I know it’s shallow, but I want her to know I hooked myself a babe. I hand her my phone and she gives a low whistle.

  ‘He’s hot! And what does this hot husband of yours do?’

  ‘He’s a bank manager.’

  ‘Bloody hell, Soph. Brains and brawn. You really hit pay dirt, you lucky bugger. No wonder you waited so long to have children. I’d have wanted him to myself if I were you, too.’

  Once again it’s like I’ve been punched in the stomach. Her thoughtlessness astounds me. She of all people should realise why we might have waited so long to have a baby. I twist my hands in my lap, so agitated I can’t speak. But Lou’s too busy studying the photo of my husband to notice.

  I identified the opportunity late last year. If I said it was kismet, that this last chance of happiness was preordained, I’d be lying. Fate, destiny - call it what you will - had fuck all to do with it. I made this happen. Correction. Am making it happen. And I take full credit for that.

  I spent years dreaming, months searching, weeks carrying out the legwork, until I eventually found what I was looking for.

  I wanted what was rightfully mine.

  And I’d have been happy with that.

  Then fate did play its part. I was given a golden ticket. An all-star bonus. An added extra. Two for the price of one. I was presented with not just my past and my present, but my future, too.

  The gods were smiling on me. They offered me everything I always wanted, everything I deserved. Everything that bitch took away from me.

  And Sophie, sweet Sophie, has absolutely no idea what’s coming her way.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Then

  If I was worried Lou would find out about me and Ed, I needn’t have been. It’s been easy to keep our relationship secret. She’s so wrapped up in Dan, the boy from the Upper Sixth, that she barely remembers I exist.

  Normally, I’d be wounded. Aggrieved. But now it suits me just fine. It means Ed and I can get to know each other without Lou sticking her oar in.

  Ed can’t understand why I haven’t told her. He says the longer I leave it, the harder it’ll be. Today, after school, as we sit on our favourite bench in the Westgate Gardens, I try to explain.

  ‘I love Lou, I really do. She’s been my best mate since I can remember. But she’s so outgoing, so larger-than-life, that I’ve always lived in her shadow, you know?’

  Ed is pensive as he watches the River Stour glide by. ‘I can see why half the school fancies the pants off her. She’s a babe.’

  His words are slivers of ice in my heart.

  ‘But you shouldn’t feel inferior to her. You’re bright and funny and beautiful. Yours are the only pants I want to get into.’

  ‘You really don’t fancy her?’

  His hand reaches for mine. ‘I really don’t. Never have, never will.’

  I nod to myself. I believe him. ‘But it’s not just that.’ I poke at the grass with my toe. ‘If she knew about us you’d become hers, too. She’d want to hang out together all the time. I wouldn’t be able to keep you all to myself.’

  He grins. ‘That I do understand.’ He drops my hand and wraps his arms around me. I smile as I sink into his chest. Ed doesn’t fancy Lou. Never has, never will.

  But Ed and me? We’re perfect together. Soulmates. Nothing can come between us.

  Weeks turn into months, and before I know it, we are a day away from our six-month anniversary. Lou is yet to discover we’re an item. She’s still obsessed by Dan. When we’re together she spends the who
le time droning on about him. Dan’s favourite films, the music Dan listens to. What Dan likes to eat. Dan, Dan, Dan, until I want to scream.

  Dan’s planning on taking a gap year after his A-levels. I’m not sure Lou figures in those plans. She’s obviously beginning to feel a teensy bit insecure, too, because she’s started wanting to spend time with me again. I’m her human safety net.

  She seeks me out at lunchtime. ‘Shall we go and see Batman Forever tomorrow night? Val Kilmer’s so cool. Do you know who he reminds me of?’

  ‘Dan?’ I hazard. ‘I can’t. I… I promised Mum I’d go to legs, bums and tums with her.’

  Lou pouts, as I knew she would.

  ‘Sorry.’ I shrug. It’s a lie. My parents are out for the evening and Ed’s coming around. I’m cooking him a special anniversary dinner with flowers on the table, candles, the lot. ‘Maybe Saturday?’

  ‘Not Saturday. Dan’s mate Chris is having a party. You should come, too. There’ll be loads of boys there.’

  ‘Yeah, maybe. I’ll let you know, OK?’

  But Lou has spied her boyfriend heading towards the sports field with a couple of his mates. She blows me a kiss and heads towards them. One of Dan’s friends sees her approach and whispers something in Dan’s ear. They crease up with laughter. My throat tightens and I shoot daggers at Dan and his Neanderthal friends. Poor Lou. I have a sneaky suspicion her heart’s about to be broken.

  I stand back and survey the room. Soft mood lighting. Tick. Flowers on the table. Tick. Candles lit. Tick. The bolognese is bubbling away on the hob, and the two bottles of cider Dad grudgingly agreed we could have are chilling in the fridge.

  Ed’s not due for another fifteen minutes so I race upstairs, shower in record time, and pull on the blue satin slip dress I wore to the speech day disco. It seemed fitting to wear it again today, our six-month anniversary. I brush my hair and apply smoky grey eyeshadow and black-as-midnight mascara. I’m running a slick of gloss over my lips when the doorbell rings. My pulse quickening, I run back down the stairs and throw open the front door.

  Lou is standing there, dressed in a white sports vest and purple leggings. The smile on her face freezes when she notices I’m not exactly dressed for an exercise class.

  ‘Dan’s out with his mates again, so I thought I’d come to legs, bums and tums with you and your mum.’ She gazes over my shoulder into the empty hallway behind me. ‘But something tells me your plans have changed.’

  I sneak a glance at the clock on the sideboard. It’s almost seven. Ed will be here any minute. How the hell am I supposed to explain that?

  Lou pushes past me. ‘Where is your mum, anyway?’

  ‘Out.’

  I scurry behind her as she stomps along the hallway, peering into every room. She stops in the doorway of the dining room and turns on her heels to face me, one eyebrow raised.

  ‘A romantic dinner for two. I’m assuming it’s not your parents’ date night, because that would be gross. Is there something you’ve forgotten to tell me?’

  I bite my lip. ‘Actually, yes. I’m going out with someone.’

  She narrows her eyes. ‘Who?’

  As if on cue, the doorbell rings again.

  ‘Ed S-Sullivan,’ I stutter, inching past her to the door.

  Ed is standing on the doorstep with a huge bunch of velvety-red roses. As he gives me a peck on the cheek I whisper in his ear, ‘Lou’s here.’

  His eyes widen as he sees her scowling in the hallway, her hands on her hips. I take a deep breath and brazen it out.

  ‘Mum had to go to a work do with Dad at the last minute, so I invited Ed round. We’ve been seeing a bit of each other recently.’

  ‘So I see. Nice of you to tell me.’

  ‘I would have, but you’ve been so wrapped up in Dan… ’

  She’s silent for a moment, then lets out a long sigh. ‘You’re right, I have. But I think I’m going to knock it on the head. He can be a bit of a dick when he’s with his friends.’ She shakes her head, then holds her arms wide and grins. ‘But I’m so pleased for you guys. It’s fantastic news! C’mon, group hug!’

  My eyes meet Ed’s for a split second as we shuffle forwards into Lou’s arms and a look of understanding passes between us.

  ‘You don’t mind if I hang out with you guys until I meet someone else, do you?’ she asks.

  ‘Of course not,’ I mutter.

  ‘Wicked.’ She pulls away and licks her lips. ‘So, what’s for dinner? I’m bloody ravenous!’

  Chapter Fourteen

  Now

  Rosie is still buzzing from her performance at the recruitment evening.

  ‘I was good, wasn’t I?’ she says again as we set to work weeding the rose garden.

  ‘You were a natural. They loved you,’ I agree.

  She nods. ‘They did. How many are coming to help us?’

  ‘Nineteen signed up there and then and another half a dozen are going to come and have a look around to see if it’s for them. I think we can call it a success.’

  ‘Bet Angela’s pleased.’

  ‘Hard to tell. You know Angela. Doesn’t like to crack a smile unless she can help it.’

  Rosie points her trowel at me. ‘Cheeky!’

  ‘I just wish I knew what happened to my presentation.’

  I know I should forget it, but it’s still bothering me. I’m meticulous about saving my work and in all the years I’ve used PowerPoint I’ve never had a problem with a corrupted file. For it to fail just when I needed it most seems suspicious to say the least.

  ‘What did happen to it?’

  I’m not sure how much Rosie understands about the intricacies of PowerPoint so I say, ‘Someone hid it so I couldn’t find it.’

  ‘On purpose, so you’d forget your lines?’

  ‘They must have.’

  ‘Who would do that?’

  There’s only one other person who has access to the shared drive.

  ‘Angela.’ The name escapes my lips before I can stop it.

  Rosie frowns. ‘Angela’s a bit grumpy sometimes, but she’s not nasty. She wants helpers, too, remember.’

  I’m not convinced. I love Rosie. She’s the kindest, most straightforward person I know. But she has one major flaw - she only sees good in people. And then she surprises me.

  ‘It might be Martin.’

  ‘Martin?’

  Her brow wrinkles. ‘He’s very angry. His hands are always like this.’ She drops the trowel and curls her hands into fists. ‘And I heard him having an argument with someone the other day. A really cross one. And when I looked to see who he was having an argument with there was no-one there!’

  ‘He sometimes hears voices in his head, especially when he forgets to take his pills.’

  ‘Well, this voice was a really angry one and it sounded real to me. All deep like this.’ She lowers her voice and says in a raspy tone, ‘You can’t trust anyone here. They’re all out to get you. You need to fight back.’ Rosie’s eyes are wide. ‘That’s why I think it might be him. He must be doing what the voice told him to.’

  Rosie’s words follow me around all day and I’m still mulling over them when I let myself in the front door after work. Bending down to pick up the post isn’t easy these days, and I find myself grunting like an old sheep as I straighten my back.

  I step back in surprise when Matt appears in front of me.

  ‘I didn’t see your car,’ I squeak.

  ‘I had to park halfway up the street.’ He takes the post from me and gives me a quick peck on the cheek. ‘I took a couple of hours’ flexi so I could beat the rush hour,’ he says, flicking through the envelopes. His eyes narrow when he comes to a plain white envelope with his name and address handwritten on the front.

  ‘Anything interesting?’

  ‘Credit card bill, the bank statement and a belated birthday card from Auntie Jan by the look of it.’

  ‘I’m surprised she remembered. She hasn’t sent you one since she’s been in the home. Are
n’t you going to open it?’

  ‘It’ll keep.’ He slips the card into his briefcase and takes my hand. ‘Follow me. I’ve got a surprise for you.’

  A bouquet of raspberry-pink peonies is waiting for me on the kitchen table.

  ‘My favourite!’ I bury my head in them and inhale their delicate rose-like scent. ‘What have I done to deserve these?’

  ‘I suppose you could call them an apology.’

  I raise an eyebrow. ‘Why? What have you done?’

  ‘I should have been there for you for the recruitment evening. I knew how nervous you were. And I missed your midwife appointment yesterday. I feel like I’m letting you down all the time at the moment.’

  ‘Don’t be silly. You can’t help it. I’m fine.’ I rub my bump and smile. ‘We’re both fine.’

  ‘I almost forgot. I’ve a confession to make.’

  He reaches into his briefcase and produces a fleece blanket in the palest of yellows.

  ‘I know we promised we wouldn’t, but I bought this, too. I saw it in a baby boutique when I popped out for lunch yesterday. You don’t mind, do you?’

  I take the blanket from him. It’s as soft as silk with scampering rabbits embroidered in the corners. ‘It’s beautiful. And I’ve a confession to make, too.’ I picture the bags of baby clothes I bought in Fenwick, hidden at the back of my wardrobe. ‘But first, let’s take a drink into the garden. It’s such a beautiful afternoon.’

  We sit under the cherry tree and Matt drapes an arm over my shoulder. As I relax into his chest I know it’s time to tell him about Lou. I describe how we were best friends at school but lost touch when she went to uni. How she’s moved back home after her husband died. I conveniently omit the fact that her late husband and I had history.

  ‘It was weird. The last time I saw her we were eighteen. Now she’s all grown up. Terribly middle-class and gushing and a bit showy.’ I feel a stab of disloyalty. ‘But I think the real Lou’s in there somewhere, underneath all the bullshit.’