‘‘I don’t mind if you talk about him,’’ Todd said. ‘‘He was your husband for many years and a large part of your life. You can’t be expected to forget about him, nor would I want you to.’’
She looked at him. ‘‘You’re very kind. Thank you.’’
‘‘Did Darren like to go boating?’’ he asked.
She had a feeling that he’d asked the question to be polite, not because he really wanted to know. But she didn’t know how to get out of answering. ‘‘Yes. We’d often talked about getting a boat of some kind. Smaller than this, of course. Maybe something that fit on a trailer. But the timing didn’t seem right.’’
They’d lost so much, she thought without warning. So many good times put off until it was more convenient, neither of them realizing how little time they would have together. She closed her eyes against the swell of pain from missing the man who had been both her husband and her best friend.
‘‘You still miss him,’’ Todd said. It wasn’t a question. Beth didn’t know how to reply. ‘‘Not the way I used to,’’ she said at last. ‘‘The emptiness has faded a little. I’ll always remember him and I suppose in some way I’ll always feel something is missing from my life. I guess it would have been different if we’d gotten a divorce. Then I would have fallen out of love with him.’’
Todd didn’t say anything. Neither his expression nor his body language changed. Yet she felt the tightness inside of him. He withdrew from her as surely as if he’d moved to the other side of the boat.
‘‘I’m sorry,’’ she said again. ‘‘I hate being so inept at all of this. If I’d had a little more experience at dating I would know what I should talk about and what subjects I should avoid.’’
‘‘I told you. I don’t mind you talking about Darren.’’
‘‘I’ve hurt you,’’ she said. ‘‘At least that’s what I think has happened. You’re sitting right here, but inside you’ve gone away.’’
He looked at her. ‘‘How can you know that?’’
‘‘I feel it.’’
‘‘I’m not hurt. I’m confused,’’ he admitted. ‘‘I tell myself that if you were the kind of woman who could be married to the same man for over a dozen years and not care that he died, then I wouldn’t be so attracted to you.’’ His smile was rueful. ‘‘Telling myself is one thing, but believing it is another.’’
He rose to his feet and walked to the railing. The afternoon sun was high in the sky. Beth didn’t have a strong sense of direction but she thought they might have already started back to Galveston.
‘‘Do you think about him when I kiss you?’’ Todd asked. ‘‘Do you imagine yourself in his arms instead of mine?’’ His hands tightened on the railing. ‘‘Dumb questions. You don’t have to answer.’’
Good thing, she thought, staring at him openmouthed. She couldn’t believe what she’d just heard. Todd Graham was actually jealous of Darren!
Chapter Twelve
Beth absorbed the information, turning it over in her head. Todd jealous of Darren? Was it possible?
She wanted to believe it. Who wouldn’t? A charming, sophisticated wealthy bachelor like him, a man who dated incredibly beautiful, incredibly young women all the time, worried about being compared with a sweet, somewhat nerdy engineer? In a strange way the revelation made her proud of her late husband, of the man he had been. Yes, Todd had more money, more things and was better looking, but Darren could match him man to man. In the important things in life, Darren was as much a winner, maybe more. After all, he’d been a faithful husband and wonderful father for over a dozen years.
But Todd wouldn’t want to hear about any of that. Even now he stood with his back to her, staring out to sea. Once again she wished for more experience at this whole adult dating thing. But this time it wasn’t so she wouldn’t make a fool out of herself. Instead, she wanted to know how to make Todd feel better.
She rose to her feet and walked over to stand next to him. If she couldn’t come up with something wonderful and witty, maybe she would just settle for the truth.
‘‘I don’t think about Darren when you kiss me,’’ she said. ‘‘Even if I want to think about something, it isn’t possible. I’m always too caught off guard by the passion to do more than just hang on so I don’t get too swept away.’’
Todd wanted to believe her. Hell, what man wouldn’t? The alternative was knowing that he wasn’t going to match up to the man she’d been married to. A living competitor he could handle. He wasn’t afraid to face anyone in a fair fight. But he couldn’t fight Darren. The man had been her husband for years. He was the father of her children, and now he was gone. He would never get any older, he would never forget her birthday or be short-tempered. Time would add a glow to his memory until she forgot the bad and only remembered the things that had made her fall in love with him.
Not that he cared, Todd reminded himself. He wasn’t really interested in Beth for more than… For more than what? Why exactly was he going out with her? Some of it, he admitted, was because of how she made him feel. He liked being with her. She was easy to talk to. They had a lot in common—they had fun together.He liked her kids. He liked her. Wasn’t that reason enough?
‘‘I don’t know what to do about him,’’ Todd admitted. ‘‘It’s not usually an issue with the other women I’ve dated.’’
Beth smiled. ‘‘I would guess very few of them have lost husbands, what with so few of them being legally adults.’’ Her blue eyes brightened as she teased him.
‘‘They’re several years over eighteen.’’
‘‘All right, they’re adults according to the law, but not according to life. They haven’t been around enough.’’
He touched her cheek. Most of them had travelled far more than Beth, yet he understood what she was talking about. They hadn’t lived through life’s hardships. They hadn’t had their character tested.
‘‘I don’t know how to do this,’’ Beth admitted, her smile fading. ‘‘I don’t know what it’s okay to talk about and what is off-limits. I don’t want to hurt you and I don’t want to say anything wrong. Everything is so confusing.’’
Her assumption that she would wound him annoyed and pleased him in equal measures. He knew enough about her to realize her concern came from affection, and not because she saw him as weak, which was how he wanted to take it. He liked that she was worried about saying or doing the right thing when they were together. That meant the relationship meant something to her, too.
‘‘I’m tough,’’ he said as he touched her cheek with his index finger. Her hair blew in the slight breeze. It was an impossible color of red, one he would have suspected as being enhanced…if she’d been anyone else. ‘‘Say what you’re thinking and we’ll deal with the consequences as they occur.’’
‘‘Sometimes I feel really stupid.’’ She pressed her lips together. ‘‘I hate that. I want to be brilliant and witty and sexy and sophisticated, but I’m not.’’
‘‘You’re all those things and more.’’
He’d promised not to start anything with her, yet he couldn’t help leaning forward and gently kissing her. At least they were on the rear deck of the boat, in full view of anyone who wanted to watch. That would keep his need for her in check.
She responded by placed her hands on his shoulders and leaning into his embrace. Her mouth parted slightly. He was tempted to accept her invitation, but he knew where that would lead. The thought of spending the rest of the evening aroused and aching wasn’t pleasant.
‘‘I promised,’’ he said, pulling back and resting his forehead against hers. ‘‘It’s not because I think you’re old or that I don’t want you. It’s because you’re not ready.’’
‘‘What happens when I am?’’ she whispered.
‘‘Then I’ll ask you to make love with me. If you want to, we’ll become intimate.’’
A shiver rippled through her. He felt the tremor his words had invoked and fought against the need to take her right
there on the deck.
‘‘How long will you wait?’’ she asked.
‘‘As long as necessary.’’
She straightened and shook her head. ‘‘I wish that were true, but I don’t think so. I’m a curiosity right now, but that kind of interest fades. I’ll be too much trouble. I keep bringing up my inexperience at this sort of thing, which is a major error according to every women’s magazine article written on the subject, but I know it’s an issue. I don’t know how to be the kind of woman you’re used to. I’m going to mess up. It’s just a matter of when.’’
He absorbed her words. ‘‘For someone who is a positive role model for her children, who pretty much has her life where she wants it, you’re amazingly pessimistic about your appeal and your abilities to deal with this relationship. Why is that?’’
Beth looked uncomfortable. ‘‘Just lucky, I guess.’’
He touched her face again. ‘‘Don’t you think that I enjoy being with you?’’
She cleared her throat. ‘‘Maybe.’’
He waited.
She sucked in a deep breath and folded her arms over her chest. ‘‘Okay, yes, you like being with me.’’
‘‘And I think you’re attractive.’’
‘‘Do you?’’
‘‘Beth!’’ He growled her name.
‘‘Fine. You think I’m attractive.’’
‘‘If I like being with you and I find you attractive, why wouldn’t I be willing to wait?’’
‘‘Because,’’ she said insistently, ‘‘guys want to do it whenever they can. If one woman isn’t available, they move on to another.’’
‘‘I’m not a sixteen-year-old kid,’’ he reminded her. ‘‘Did Darren run around on you while you were in the final months of your pregnancy, or after the kids were born when you two couldn’t make love?’’
She looked shocked. ‘‘Of course not. But I was having his children.’’
‘‘So it was a matter of gratitude, not character?’’
‘‘No, it was just…’’ Her voice trailed off. ‘‘You’re trying to trick me, but I don’t know why.’’
‘‘I’m trying to make you see that some things are worth waiting for. Or even not having at all. You may never be ready to make love with me. You may decide I’m not someone you’re really interested in.’’ He could feel himself tensing as he said the words. They were some of his greatest fears, but if he kept his tone light, she would never guess. ‘‘I’m still standing here.’’
‘‘Which begs the question—why?”
She was incredibly tough and wildly insecure all at the same time. How was he supposed to resist that? If he didn’t take care of her, she would be out there dating other guys…guys would weren’t going to be so understanding. It was up to him to protect her from herself and other men.
‘‘Because I like you,’’ he said.
Color flared on her cheeks. She blushed more easily than anyone he’d ever known. It was just one more aspect of her incredible appeal.
‘‘Oh,’’ she said in a tiny voice.
He led her back to the seats at the rear of the deck. They sat quietly for the rest of the return trip, then took the waiting limo to the helicopter.
Once they were headed toward Houston, Todd leaned over and took her hand. She laced her fingers with his and smiled, then turned her attention to the view out the window. Todd found himself equally captivated, but not by the passing scenery. It was the woman next to him who held his interest.
What was he going to do about Beth? So far he’d broken all his rules with her. They were friends rather than lovers, which he never allowed. Women didn’t get close to him— he never saw the point. He wasn’t interested in long-term relationships and always made that clear from the beginning. He believed in good times, easy sex and fast, relatively painless goodbyes.
With Beth he’d made several references to future events, which meant that he was considering something more than just a couple of weeks of fun. He’d put off sex indefinitely and for some reason, despite his desire for her, was actually enjoying the chase. More out of character than all the rest, he was getting close to her. Without meaning to, he’d become interested in her life and wanted her interested in his.
None of this made sense. Here he was dating a woman fifteen years older than his last dozen girlfriends. A woman who was still in love with her late husband, a middle-class engineer from the suburbs. A woman with two children. She wasn’t his type, they should have nothing in common and everything about her circumstances should send him running in the opposite direction.
Instead he found himself in the unusual position of wanting to prove himself to her. He needed her to see that he was just as… what? Worthy? Just as worth the effort? He wasn’t sure. He was in competition with a dead man and he had no way of winning. Worse, he had nothing of value to offer Beth. She didn’t care about his money. If anything, it made her uncomfortable. She already had a full life and it didn’t necessarily include him. Her children were happy and well-adjusted. How was he supposed to win her when she didn’t want anything he had?
He stared sightlessly out the window and realized perhaps the more pressing question was why he felt the need to win Beth at all.
*
Their evening was to be spent at a fund-raiser for a local cancer hospital. Beth stared at the engraved invitation and realized the event she and Todd were about to attend was a far cry from the 5-K walk/run she’d volunteered for over the holidays. While she’d known it was going to be a fancy evening, she hadn’t thought it would be the kind of party that generated gossip in the local society pages.
‘‘There’s a simple solution,’’ she murmured to herself as she touched up her eye makeup. ‘‘I’ll lock myself in the bathroom. End of problem.’’
She glanced around at the luxurious fixtures and vast space of the suite’s master bath. After the helicopter had delivered them to downtown Houston where—through logistical maneuverings she didn’t want to think about— Todd’s car had been waiting, they’d driven to one of the luxury hotels by the Galleria. Todd has whisked her upstairs to a large suite where he’d left her to get changed for the party starting several floors below.
Just the bathroom was a marvel in decorating wonders. Baskets of incredibly thick, white towels sat next to a Jacuzzi tub that could easily hold four adults. There were candles and bath salts and a gilded stool and a bidet, which she was far too nervous to even try. She’d only caught a glimpse of the master bedroom. Her lone impression had been of a huge four-poster bed and a wall of mirrors that had made her break out in a cold sweat. Was Todd planning to get lucky later?
She pressed her hand flat against her stomach in an effort to calm her shuddering nerves. Todd had promised he wouldn’t push her into bed, she reminded herself. So far, he’d been a man of his word. Why wouldn’t she believe him?
Maybe because you don’t want to, a small voice whispered. Beth closed her eyes and silently admitted the voice was correct. While the rational part of her appreciated Todd’s restraint and his understanding of her need to take things slowly, there was a wild and unruly place in her being that wanted to be swept away. She didn’t want to have to behave like a rational adult in this situation. She wanted the excuse of no excuse. Not that he would force her, but that he would make it impossible for her to refuse. If he didn’t do that…if he was a gentleman and made her choose, she was going to have to deal with her guilt about Darren.
She exhaled and returned her attention to her makeup. She blotted her lipstick, then applied another coat. Speaking her late husband’s name aloud earlier had opened the floodgates. Ever since that moment on the boat when she’d mentioned Darren, she’d been drowning in memories. She was smart enough to acknowledge they were her subconscious’ way of protecting her from her very confusing life. But knowing the truth didn’t make it any easier to deal with.
Maybe she was wrong to be going out with Todd. Maybe she was supposed to devote her life to he
r children and her husband’s memory. Isn’t that what really good women did? Wasn’t her life supposed to be over?
Except she didn’t feel dead and she didn’t like feeling guilty. She’d been a good wife to Darren and she was a good mother to his children. Was it all right for her to have a life that didn’t include him? Was she allowed to want to be with another man?
A knock on the bathroom door interrupted her thoughts. ‘‘Are you close to ready?’’ Todd called.
Beth took a step back from the wide mirror and stared at herself. The dress looked better than it had in the dressing room, but she assumed that was the flattering light in the bathroom. She’d sprung for the really expensive, silky panty hose, and as promised, they mushed in her bumps and bulges. She wasn’t going to be able to eat very much, and a deep breath was out of the question, but feeling attractive always came with a price.
‘‘I’m ready,’’ she said, and opened the bathroom door.
Todd stood in the center of the suite’s bedroom. She’d seen him in a suit before, but never in a tailored tuxedo. The rich black fabric skimmed over broad shoulders and emphasized his masculine strength. Blue-gray eyes seemed to see down to her fragile, imperfect heart. He’d shaved and showered and he was good-looking enough to be a romantic lead in a movie. If she hadn’t still been holding on to the door handle, she might have stumbled from the impact of his virility.
His eyebrows raised as he smiled. ‘‘You look incredible,’’ he said. ‘‘I knew you were going to make me the envy of every man there, and I was right.’’ He moved next to her and softly kissed her cheek. ‘‘I was going to suggest we order in and skip the party,’’ he murmured. ‘‘But now I want to show you off.’’
She’d been about to tell him that her shoes were going to start hurting in less than an hour, that her panty hose felt like a vise grip around her waist and that she’d bought the dress at a secondhand store. Instead, Beth offered her thanks and suggested they head out to the party. There were some things, she decided, that a man just didn’t need to know.
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