Cindy had been drinking when Beth made her last statement. Cindy swallowed wrong and started to choke. ‘‘Are you okay?’’ Beth asked.
‘‘I should ask you the same question,’’ her friend said when she’d recovered. ‘‘You’re going to spend the night with him?’’
Beth had been trying not to think about that. ‘‘I guess. I said I would.’’ She waved at the small bag next to her purse. ‘‘I’m taking clothes.’’
Cindy’s eyes widened. ‘‘This will be your first time making love?’’
Using a combination of positive thinking and denial, Beth had managed to keep her insecurities at bay during daylight hours. They haunted her at night, though, when she lay alone in her bed and wondered how she was going to handle Todd taking one look at her thirty-eight-year-old body and running screaming from the room.
‘‘I know,’’ Beth said. ‘‘I’m trying not to think about it. I don’t want to do this.’’ She stopped and shook her head. ‘‘I don’t know. I do want to, but I’m terrified. I figure it’s inevitable and I might as well do it with someone I trust. I trust Todd.’’
‘‘I’m glad,’’ Cindy said. ‘‘And surprised. You don’t trust easily.’’
‘‘I’ve given him plenty of opportunities to disappear from my life and he hasn’t. This despite the fact that he could have nearly any woman on the planet.’’ Which again brought up the question of why he wanted her.
‘‘No way!’’ Cindy said and placed both her hands flat on the table. ‘‘I can see what you’re thinking. You want to know why, if he could have anyone, he would want you.’’
Beth looked at her friend. ‘‘That comes from having known each other too long. You can read my mind.’’
‘‘Of course. Probably because in your situation, I would be thinking the same thing. But I have the perfect answer for you.’’
‘‘Which is what? I could use a little cheering right about now.’’
Cindy’s smile was smug. ‘‘Todd is experienced with women, right?’’
Beth nodded.
‘‘Then he’s been around enough to know what he likes. And what he likes is you.’’
Beth opened her mouth, then closed it. ‘‘I like that logic.’’
‘‘Then believe it and let go of the fear. Todd seems like a great guy. He obviously adores you and the kids. Sometimes you just get lucky.’’
‘‘I want to think so,’’ Beth told her. ‘‘But I’m afraid, too. I’m afraid of caring about him too much. I don’t want to get hurt. I could be content with something superficial.’’ Beth sighed. ‘‘Okay, I couldn’t really, but it sounds nice in theory. I just wish I could be sure I wasn’t making a mistake.’’
‘‘We never get to know that until after the fact.’’
Beth knew she was right, but she wanted to know now. She was afraid and nervous and in a strange way, excited about spending the night with Todd. If nothing else, she was finally going to see another man naked. If only she didn’t have to deal with the issue of taking off her own clothes.
Cindy leaned forward. ‘‘So, are you prepared to practice safe sex?’’
‘‘Welcome to being single,’’ Beth said. ‘‘Yes, I’m prepared. I didn’t know what to buy, so I got three different kinds of condoms.’’
‘‘I wish I could see the look on Todd’s face when he finds that little fact out.’’
‘‘Funny, I wish I didn’t have to see it.’’
The two women laughed together. Beth was fiercely glad she had such a good friend to help her through the tough parts of her life. She drew in a deep breath. Tonight was going to fine. She was a grown-up, and the decision was hers. When Todd had asked her to spend the night, she’d said yes, knowing exactly what it meant. She believed in her heart that if she wanted to change her mind and not stay, he would agree. He might not understand, but he wouldn’t make her feel uncomfortable about backing out.
As promised, Todd hadn’t pushed her. Becoming intimate was the next logical step in their relationship. If only the thought wasn’t so terrifying.
‘‘What if my worst fears are true and I’ve been doing it wrong all these years?’’ she asked.
‘‘Then you’ll find out.’’ Cindy looked at her. ‘‘You have two kids, you were married forever. How wrong could you have been doing it?’’
Beth wasn’t sure, but if there was a way, she would find it. That was how her luck ran. ‘‘Were you this nervous before you and Mike did it?’’
Cindy nodded. ‘‘I thought I was going to die. I’d asked him over for dinner and hoped he would make a pass at me. When he didn’t, I had to tell him what was wrong. Not my finest hour.’’
Beth wasn’t worried about Todd not making a pass at her. He would be gentle and not the least bit insistent, but he would get his point across.
Cindy glanced at her watch. ‘‘I should be getting home. I just wanted to come over and say hi.’’ She rose and crossed to the back door. ‘‘Remember, I’m going to want details when you get back.’’
‘‘Sure,’’ Beth promised, and waved weakly. She would be happy to provide details, assuming she even survived the ordeal.
*
Todd stood on Beth’s front porch exactly at seven. He was on time. Despite the distance from his city high-rise condo, he was always on time with her and more often early. It was because he was anxious for the evening to get started. He enjoyed spending time with her. She made him laugh and feel good about himself.
Tonight he felt a faint tension in his body. Anticipation, he told himself. He was a little nervous about having Beth over to his place. He’d been avoiding that particular situation because he’d been concerned about what would happen when the two of them were alone with no possibility of interruptions. More precisely, he’d been concerned about what he would want and push for.
Despite his invitation to spend the night and her acceptance, Todd reminded himself that Beth might still not be ready to make love. From all that she’d told him, Darren had been the only man in her life. Giving herself to another man was bound to be a big deal for her. She would want to make sure she was doing the right thing. As did he. Usually sex was the next logical step. But with Beth it had become something more.
Even though he burned for her, Todd hadn’t minded waiting and he would continue to wait if that’s what she needed. Because he wanted her first time after Darren to be special. He also wanted it to be with him.
He knocked on the door. She opened it and stared at him. She wore a short-sleeved dress that buttoned up the front. There was a deep V in front that more than hinted at the full curves of her breasts. He quickly took in her bare legs and sandals. She dressed to be easily undressed. The thought made him smile.
‘‘Oh, no. You look too happy,’’ Beth said as she invited him in. ‘‘You are planning to go all the way.’’
Despite her wide-eyed stare and her obvious nerves, he laughed and pulled her close. ‘‘That’s my Beth,’’ he said. ‘‘Always saying what you think. It’s the part of your charm that I like best. Promise me you’ll never change.’’
‘‘I can’t change,’’ she mumbled, her voice muffled against his shoulder as she clung to him. ‘‘Old dogs and all that. Or in my case, old women have trouble learning new behavior patterns.’’
She trembled in his embrace. He would like to think it was from anticipation, but he knew her better than that. She was terrified.
‘‘So you’re going to be a brave soldier and march into battle without a thought for personal safety?’’ he asked, teasing her gently.
She straightened. ‘‘No, I’ve had several thoughts for personal safety. We never talked about that, but I just went ahead and bought condoms. I didn’t know what kind you liked so I got several different boxes.’’
Her expression was earnest, her words sincere. That was what he loved about her. Her honesty. How she was so literal sometimes.
Then his mind froze and he replayed those couple of sentences. Loved. Had he really
thought that? No. Not love. He didn’t do love ever. He liked, he admired, he even adored. But that was as far as it went.
‘‘I was speaking generally,’’ he told her. ‘‘But since you’ve brought up the condom issue, I’m glad you’re prepared to protect yourself. I have some at home, too.’’
‘‘Oh.’’
He looked at her frightened face and pulled her close again. ‘‘Don’t worry. You’re completely in charge of what happens or doesn’t happen tonight. I’m excited about having you over for dinner. I hope you like what I’ve cooked. I’ve promised you good food, good wine and great company. The rest of it is up to you.’’
‘‘Promise?’’ she asked, her blue eyes wide with trepidation.
‘‘I swear.’’
‘‘Thanks, Todd.’’
She wrapped her arms around him and rested her head on his shoulder. Her acceptance was absolute. She believed him and trusted him. This was, he realized, one of those moments he would remember forever. The whens and whys of their physical relationship weren’t all that important when compared with the faith in him Beth offered.
*
‘‘Dinner was great,’’ Beth said as she grabbed her glass of wine and stood up.
Todd smiled and almost asked her how she knew. After all, she’d barely tasted the salmon he’d grilled and served with a side of penne pasta. Her conversation at the table had been sporadic—long pauses followed by bursts of conversation. He didn’t have to know her very well to realize she was nervous nearly to the point of coming undone. He did know her well enough to sense that she would do better if he didn’t comment on her erratic behavior and he simply left her to wander at will, talking when she was ready, until she seemed calm enough for him to get next to her.
‘‘I’m glad you enjoyed it.’’
‘‘Do you want help cleaning up?’’ she asked. She set her wineglass back on the table, and picked up her plate. ‘‘Let’s at least clear the table.’’
‘‘Just leave it,’’ he told her. ‘‘I’ll take care of it later. Why don’t we go into the living room? The sun has set and the view is pretty spectacular.’’
‘‘Okay.’’
She followed him as he led the way to the large window that made up two walls of the living room. He’d left the vertical blinds open. In the clear night, downtown Houston was visible, the high-rises slender columns of light.
‘‘If your condo faced the other way, I bet you could see down to Sugar Land,’’ she said.
‘‘Probably.’’
He crossed to the wet bar and poured them each a snifter of brandy. He doubted she would take much more than a sip, but the glass would give her something to hold in her hands.
‘‘The room is lovely,’’ she said when he approached. ‘‘You had someone help with the decorating, didn’t you?’’
He glanced around at the pale walls and overstuffed furniture. The predominate colors were cream and dark green. A long, low sofa curved through the center of the room, offering perfect seating for his view. Glass-and-brass tables held lamps and objets d’art his decorator had chosen. He’d taken charge of the paintings, most of which were oils in bright colors.
‘‘She did most of the work,’’ Todd admitted.
‘‘It’s very nice.’’
‘‘So you’ve said.’’
She took the brandy glass he offered, then walked over to the sofa. As he followed, she sat down on one of the fat cushions, perched there less than ten seconds, then popped back up on her feet. She gave him a quick smile and scurried toward the green wing chair opposite.
‘‘This is nice,’’ she said as she sniffed her brandy. She recoiled. ‘‘Wow, strong stuff.’’
‘‘It’s very smooth.’’
‘‘Are you trying to get me drunk?’’
She was serious as she asked the question, but he couldn’t help smiling. ‘‘No, Beth. You don’t have to drink any if you don’t want to. Just smell it now and again. It’s pleasant.’’
‘‘All right.’’ She took a cautious sip, blinked, then nodded. ‘‘I like it.’’
Slowly she rose to her feet and crossed to the sofa. She sat at the opposite end from him. ‘‘Maybe you should,’’ she said.
‘‘What?’’
‘‘Try to get me drunk. It will make things easier.’’
He angled toward her. ‘‘What things?’’
‘‘You know.’’ She grimaced. ‘‘It. Aren’t you planning on us doing it tonight?’’
He forced his expression to remain serious despite the urge to chuckle. She was adorable. He wanted to pull her close and promise that he would take good care of her, regardless of whether or not they did ‘‘it.’’ But she needed room and time, and he was willing to give her both.
‘‘It?’’ he asked. ‘‘Which it might that be?’’
She gave him a ‘‘Could you be any more dumb?’’ look that reminded him of Jodi and Matt when they disagreed with each other. ‘‘I thought you’d want us to sleep together tonight.’’
‘‘Oh, I see.’’ He pretended to consider. ‘‘I’d hoped we might make love, but to be honest, I didn’t have plans for either of us to sleep.’’
Her mouth opened, then closed. She dropped her chin to her chest and made a moaning noise. ‘‘I can’t do this. I have no experience. I know I should be sophisticated. After all, I read those women’s magazines. But I’m not prepared to deal with contemporary society.’’
‘‘Lucky for you I’m the only one here tonight.’’ He patted the sofa cushion next to him. ‘‘Why don’t you move a little closer?’’
She studied him, then shifted until she was about half on the cushion. Close enough to touch but not close enough for them to snuggle. For a woman who’d been married and had a couple of kids, she was surprisingly naive about men, women and their relationships. He knew twenty-three-year-olds who had ten times her experience. He found that he liked Beth and her worries much more than he’d ever cared for the young women’s sophistication.
Three months ago when he’d found out about his date with a thirty-something woman from the suburbs, he would have been thrilled to find a way to get out of the evening. Now he couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. Those young women had been all wrong for him. They needed to be with men their own age, just like he needed to be with a woman close to his age.
‘‘I want to thank you,’’ he said quietly.
She angled toward him, her knee bumping into his thigh. He noticed that the hem of her dress had crept up her thigh a little, but he resisted the need to stroke the exposed skin. ‘‘For what?’’
‘‘For letting me be a part of your life,’’ he told her. ‘‘I’ve enjoyed our time together. You’ve been generous with me and I appreciate that.’’
She took a sip of brandy, then set the glass on the table. ‘‘I haven’t really done anything. You won’t let me pay whenever we go out. You barely let me cook you dinner.’’
‘‘This isn’t about money, Beth. It’s about sharing. You’ve opened your world to me. You’ve let me meet you and your children and share your experiences. I never knew families could be good things. I never understood about parents and kids loving each other. My parents were married for less than five years and it was the longest marriage either of them had. I’ve learned more just listening to you talk about your relationship with Darren than from all the different families I lived with while growing up.’’
Her eyes darkened. ‘‘I get so confused when you talk about your life as a kid. I don’t know how anyone could ignore their children.’’
‘‘That’s part of your charm. I respect what you’ve done with yourself and your kids. They know you love them. That belief is as much a part of them as the color of their hair or their height. You’ve almost made me believe that love is real.’’
Her mouth parted slightly. ‘‘I did all that?’’
Was it his imagination or was her voice a little breathless?
‘‘Yes
, you did,’’ he said. ‘‘Until very recently I didn’t believe that love existed.’’
‘‘What about all those young girls?’’
He smiled. ‘‘Could you please call them young women? Otherwise people are going to think I was raiding the middle school.’’
Her lips tugged up at the corners. ‘‘Sorry. What about all those young women? Didn’t you fall for any of them?’’
‘‘They weren’t for loving.’’
She’d shifted a little closer. He wondered if she was even aware of what she was doing. Her eyes were a brilliant shade of blue. He wanted to get lost in her gaze and never be found again. He wanted to touch her everywhere, hold her close, feel her body against his. He wanted to taste her and make her call out his name. He wanted to take her to a place where she had no choice but to care about him.
‘‘How could you be sure?’’ she asked. ‘‘We don’t always get to chose who we fall in love with. Sometimes it just happens.’’
‘‘Not to me. I never felt anything for any of them and they all managed to resist my considerable charms.’’ He leaned toward her and brushed her mouth with his.
She sighed. ‘‘They are considerable. Your charms, I mean. I have trouble resisting you.’’
‘‘Why would you want to?’’
‘‘Because it’s the sensible thing to do.’’
He cupped the back of her neck. ‘‘I don’t want you to be sensible. I want you to be swept away.’’
‘‘Works for me.’’
He angled his head and deepened the kiss. She parted her mouth to accept him. She tasted sweet, of herself and of the brandy. His wanting was hard and hot and instant, with a sharpness that told him how much he would hurt if they turned back now.
She groaned as he nibbled a damp line down her jaw to her neck. The low-cut dress had been teasing him all evening and he intended to even the score.
She put a hand on his shoulder and pushed a little, until he looked at her. Her face glowed, her lips were damp from their kisses and there was a light of welcome in her beautiful eyes. ‘‘Is this the part where we have sex?’’ she asked.
‘‘No,’’ he told her. ‘‘This is the part where we make love.’’
Beth and the Bachelor Page 18