Beth and the Bachelor

by Susan Mallery

  When she and Todd had made love, she’d connected with him in a way that women had been connecting with men for centuries. She hadn’t just given him her body, she’d handed over the essence of her being. She’d fallen in love.

  The panic was as cold and icy as it was instant. She had to get out of here. Now! Before she said or did something incredibly stupid. More stupid than falling for a wildly inappropriate guy. What on earth had she been thinking? Then she realized she hadn’t been thinking at all. She’d been feeling and reacting. It was finally time to use her head.

  ‘‘I know what you’re thinking,’’ Todd was saying when she resurfaced and could pay attention to a conversation already in progress. ‘‘I’m shocked by the whole thing, too.’’ He still held her free hand in his. He stroked her palm in a way that distracted her and made her bones melt. How did the man keep doing that to her?

  ‘‘I knew it would be special,’’ he told her. ‘‘But I didn’t realize how special. You’re cn amazing woman, Beth.’’ He smiled ruefully. ‘‘I woke up early this morning and I was terrified.’’

  That got her attention. Her own questions and concerns faded away. ‘‘What do you mean?’’

  ‘‘You’re a mature woman with two teenagers. You have a life and a life-style. It would never be just the two of us, at least not for several years. The kids would have to come first. I’ve only dated young women and I think one of the reasons is that I was always the center of their world. You can’t promise me that. It wouldn’t always be about us.’’

  He shook his head. ‘‘But that was just the starting point. The real issue is that I don’t know what I can promise you. I watched my parents marry and remarry. I’ve seen what that does to children, I remember what it did to me. I know what you had with Darren and the level of that commitment. I decided I couldn’t do that.’’

  Her face froze. Beth tried to make her expression neutral, but her muscles weren’t responding. She’d just realized that she’d bonded with him in the most primitive way possible and he was telling her it was over?

  ‘‘You got sex and now it’s ‘See you later’?’’ she managed with a gasp of pain that nearly made her double over. He was still holding her hand. She jerked it free.

  She couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t believe what he was saying. Her heart clenched in her chest. She wanted to run and scream, she wanted to throw things and hit him. ‘‘You bastard. You bastard!’’

  ‘‘No. Beth, don’t.’’ Todd grabbed her arm. She hadn’t realized she raised her hand to him. ‘‘It’s not like that.’’ She pulled free of him and scrambled out of the bed. ‘‘Don’t bother telling me what it’s like. I don’t want to listen.’’

  ‘‘You’re going to have to,’’ he said, rising and standing in front of her. ‘‘I’m telling you all of this because it’s important. I had doubts. I wasn’t sure I could be the kind of man you needed. I wasn’t sure I wanted to take on two kids. I’m not unaware of the pitfalls of the situation. I don’t think it’s going to be easy. So, for about ten minutes, I balked at the idea. But then I fixed breakfast and brought it in here and saw you in my bed and I realized that’s what I want. Us. Together. No matter what.’’

  She raised her hands to cover her ears and she didn’t care how stupid she looked. ‘‘Leave me alone.’’

  ‘‘I won’t. I love you. If I’m not the man I need to be to make this work, then I’ll grow to be him. I’ve changed already. You’ve changed me in the best way possible. I don’t want this to end. I know we have a lot to work out. I know I can’t be a replacement for Darren and I don’t want to be.’’

  Beth realized she was standing there naked…in the day-light… flaws exposed for the world to see. As if the pain ripping through her body wasn’t enough. She spotted her clothes in a pile on a chair by the closet. Sometime this morning Todd had folded them neatly for her. She grabbed her panties and bra and slipped them on.

  ‘‘What are you doing?’’ he asked.

  ‘‘I’m leaving. It’s late. I need to be home. This isn’t…’’ This isn’t what? She realized she didn’t know how to complete the sentence. What was she supposed to say to a man who had decided it was all too much work? Okay, now he thought it was fine, but he could change his mind again.

  She reached for her dress, but he got it first. He held it away from her. ‘‘Would you rather I lied?’’ he asked. ‘‘Should I have kept my doubts to myself? Wouldn’t you have wondered about the reality of that situation? Wouldn’t you have questioned my ability to see reality if I thought everything was going to be perfect?’’

  ‘‘We don’t need you. I don’t need you. Go back to your young girls and have whatever you want.’’

  ‘‘No. Because however difficult this is and however stubborn you’re going to be, I still love you.’’ His gaze settled on her face. ‘‘You’ve been questioning our relationship, your feelings and my commitment from the first time we went out. I’ve listened and reassured you to the best of my ability. But nothing I’ve said is enough. Day after day, you keep waiting for me to come to my senses and take off. But I was just supposed to put up with that, right?’’

  She didn’t have an answer. Shame joined the pain and made it impossible to speak.

  ‘‘I looked at the situation realistically,’’ he said. ‘‘I looked and wondered if I could do it. What I decided was I could. But that’s not good enough, is it? I wasn’t ever supposed to question what I wanted. I was supposed to be this perfect guy who always has the answers.’’

  Her stomach lurched. Beth thought she might throw up. ‘‘I have to go.’’ She had to get out of here before it was too late. She grabbed for her dress and pulled it away from him, then quickly put it on and began fastening the front buttons.

  Her fingers were shaking and she could feel her eyes burning. She was not going to cry. Not here, not in front of Todd. Her throat hurt. Her body ached. Something had gone very wrong and she didn’t understand why. The fear was overwhelming as was the guilt. Was he right? Was she really that shallow and unfair? How had last night been so wonderful and this morning been so horrible?

  She had to get out of here. She had to regroup and figure things out. She had to not hear whatever it was he wanted to tell her.

  ‘‘Beth, I love you, and if you walk away from this, you’re going to regret it for the rest of your life.’’

  The words pierced her like a thousand stinging darts. She bit her lower lip to keep from crying out. ‘‘You don’t even know what love is. It’s not this,’’ she said, pointing to the tangled sheets on the large mattress. ‘‘It’s about putting in time and being there through all the tough stuff. Have you ever once done that? You tell me I’ll regret walking away from you, but you don’t know about regret and pain. You don’t know about losing the most important person in your life, then having to decide whether to be alone forever, or make do with second best.’’

  The words came out so fast, she didn’t know what she’d said until they filled the room. Todd’s face tightened until it was unreadable. Horror filled her. Horror at the incredibly cruel things she’d just spoken aloud. She’d found his one point of weakness and she’d attacked, telling him he would never be good enough.

  ‘‘Todd,’’ she breathed.

  ‘‘You’d better go.’’

  She stared at him, at his closed expression. She felt his pain and it was worse than her own. He’d pointed out her character flaws in a gentle way, but she hadn’t been willing to face the truth. Instead she’d lashed out, wanting to hurt him more. Well, she’d succeeded.

  In eighteen years of marriage she’d learned one important thing. That while one could apologize for words spoken in anger, and the apology could be accepted, the words themselves could not be called back.

  She lowered her gaze to the floor. ‘‘I’m sorry. I know that’s completely inadequate, but I don’t know what else to say.’’ She hesitated, wondering if she could try to explain, then she repeated, ‘‘I’m sorry
,’’ and left the room.

  Her shoes were in the living room, where she’d left them, as was her purse. She grabbed both and headed for the front door.

  She paused there, wondering if he would stop her.

  ‘‘I’ ll drive you home,’’ he said quietly. Not ‘‘Gee, I understand. We were both angry.’’ Or even, ‘‘Let’s talk some more.’’ Just that he would drive her home.

  She’d blown it completely.

  ‘‘I’ ll be fine,’’ she said, and walked toward the elevator.

  The doors opened as she approached. Beth stepped inside without saying anything else and pressed the button for the lobby level. As the doors closed, the world went blurry and she realized she was crying. Her facade of calm crumbled until she was sobbing. By the time she reached the ground floor, she felt herself beginning to break into a thousand pieces.

  What had just happened up there? Had he really said he loved her and had she not said anything back? Had he confessed to doubts, then said he still wanted to be with her, and had she thrown that back in his face? Has she really said those horrible things to him?

  She stood in the lobby for several minutes, trying to get control of herself. She didn’t know what to do. Home, she thought at last. She had to go home.

  As if conjured by her wish, a cab pulled up in front of the building. Beth stepped outside. The cab driver opened the passenger side window. ‘‘Beth Davis, right? Your husband called and ordered you a cab.’’

  She brushed the tears from her cheeks. Of course Todd had called a cab for her. No matter what had happened between them, he wouldn’t have left her to find her own way home.

  *

  Her wonderful house had become a prison. Beth walked from room to room, searching for a quiet corner in which to sit and recover, but once-familiar decorations and furniture had become strange and unwelcoming. In the four hours that she’d been back, she’d yet to settle anywhere. No seat was comfortable, no window showed a view that she remembered. She didn’t want to stay inside, but she didn’t want to go out, either.

  Beth found herself wishing that her kids were home. At least then she would have a distraction and a way to escape her scattered thoughts. But she’d been so nervous about spending the night with Todd and how it might affect her that she’d arranged for Matt and Jodi to stay away until late Sunday evening. She was completely alone.

  She’d been through three bouts of crying followed by numbness, followed by more emotion and tears. She’d tried television, reading and even chocolate. Nothing was working. She couldn’t get Todd out of her head.

  ‘‘It would never have worked,’’ she whispered to herself as she paused in her kitchen and stared out the window over the sink. She noted the roses in the backyard were in bloom and thought vaguely about cutting some flowers to bring inside. The image of pretty flowers in the center of her table wasn’t enough to distract her from Todd’s words and her own confusion.

  Why had she lashed out at him? Because he’d spoken the truth? Because he’d held a mirror up to her face and she hadn’t liked what she’d seen there?

  She had been doubting him from the very beginning. She’d doubted that he would find her attractive or interesting. She didn’t think she could compete with the other women in his life. She didn’t think she would fit in with his friends. She didn’t know how to date.

  And then there was the entire issue of Darren. She’d loved her husband most of her life. He’d been so good to her. With Darren there hadn’t been doubts. She’d understood the attraction. They’d been so much alike, with similar backgrounds, similar goals. She’d thought he was hand some, he’d considered her pretty. They’d been equals intellectually. They’d both been so young. She owed him.

  Beth crossed to the kitchen table and sank down onto a chair. She owed Darren her love and respect—she owed him always being first in her life. Not just her first lover, her first love, which no one could take away, but also first place in her heart.

  Beth folded her arms on the table and let her head sink onto them. She closed her eyes and fought the tears. It wasn’t enough that she had doubts about her attractiveness, her ability to keep Todd’s interest and the fact that blending families was inherently difficult. She also had to wrestle with her guilt. Because she was afraid that if she gave in, if she let herself care about Todd, love Todd, that she might just love him more than she’d ever loved Darren. And she couldn’t allow that. No matter what it cost her.

  Chapter Sixteen

  The phone rang late Sunday night. Todd knew who was calling, even before he picked up the receiver. He suspected he knew what she was going to say before she said it.

  ‘‘Hello,’’ he said, when he picked up on the fourth ring.

  ‘‘I thought you might not answer.’’

  ‘‘I almost didn’t.’’

  He heard Beth’s soft sigh, and despite the blackness eating at his heart, he almost smiled. He could imagine her curled up on her bed, her legs drawn close to her chest as she leaned back against the pillows. Her hair would be mussed, her face free from makeup. From a distance of fifteen miles and several hours of pain, he still wanted her.

  ‘‘I messed up,’’ she said. ‘‘I’m sorry.’’

  ‘‘There’s no need to apologize. You told me the truth.’’

  ’’That’s what he’d been thinking about all day. That she’d only spoken the truth. He was second best. Darren would always come first in her life.

  ‘‘No, I didn’t,’’ she whispered. ‘‘At least not in the way I said it and you took it. I was scared and hurt and embarrassed by all that you were saying. You’re right, Todd. I didn’t want you to have doubts. That was my department. I wanted you to pursue me unconditionally, then I would take my time saying yes or no. I wanted you to put it all on the line while I made up my mind. That’s not fair. And I don’t like what it says about me. I lashed out because I was covering.’’

  He stared out at the view of the city. There weren’t any lights on in his living room and the blinds were open, so he could see clear to the horizon. Heat rose from the ground and made some of the streetlights seem to flicker.

  He wanted to believe what she was saying. That her accusation had just been words spoken in anger.

  ‘‘I’m not interested in being anyone’s second choice,’’ he said.

  ‘‘I know. You told me you loved me and I didn’t say anything back. I treated you horribly. I’m ashamed and I’m sorry. And I’m afraid.’’

  He wanted her words to heal him, but was too numb to believe them. ‘‘Of what? That I’ll leave you? That I’ll realize you’re nearly forty and I would rather be with a twenty-year-old?’’

  ‘‘Yes, but that’s not the big thing.’’

  He sighed. He didn’t have any way to reassure her. ‘‘What is the big thing?’’

  ‘‘Darren. I’m afraid if I give you my heart, I’ll love you more. I can’t do that, Todd. I can’t betray him that way. I have to love him best, and I don’t know if I can.’’

  He understood what she was saying. A part of him was fiercely glad that she thought she could love him so much, but most of him tensed as new pain shot through him. Rather than take the risk of betraying her late husband’s memory, Beth would walk away.

  ‘‘This would be the difficult part of the relationship,’’ he said. ‘‘Now I know why I always got out early. It’s a hell of a lot easier not to have to go through this.’’

  ‘‘I kn-know.’’ Her voice cracked on a sob. ‘‘I’m sorry.’’

  ‘‘Don’t be.’’ There wasn’t any point.

  ‘‘No, I am. Because I’ve made it tough from the beginning. Because I didn’t believe in you and your feelings, so I’ve used up all your patience. That was really stupid, because I need it more now than ever.’’

  She should be a hundred percent right, he thought grimly. Unfortunately she wasn’t. ‘‘Is that what you think?’’ he asked. ‘‘That there is a finite amount of trouble I’m willing
to put up with and then I’ll be gone? I love you, Beth. I meant it when I said it, and I mean it now. Not just for the good parts, but for all of it. I need you in my life, but that’s not enough. You have to love me back and need me, too. You have to trust me to be there. You have to give me a chance to get through the hard stuff.’’

  ‘‘I haven’t let Darren go yet, have I?’’

  She’d laid him bare a thousand times before, so he should be used to the sharp pain of his soul being torn open. Still, the agony caught him by surprise. Trust Beth to focus on the truth. He didn’t want to think about it, or believe it, but she was right.

  ‘‘No, you haven’t.’’

  ‘‘I’m sorry.’’ She was crying now. He could hear it in her choked voice. She sniffed. ‘‘I have to make peace with this. I know that. I want to be with you, Todd. I love you.’’

  But it wasn’t enough. He wasn’t enough. He might never be all that she needed.

  ‘‘You told me you weren’t ready to date. I guess I should have listened.’’

  ‘‘But I don’t want to lose you.’’

  ‘‘You haven’t.’’ That was the hell of it. Even though he knew he should walk away, he couldn’t.

  ‘‘You’ll wait?’’

  ‘‘Yes.’’

  She gave a half-strangled laugh. ‘‘I want to ask for how long, but I won’t. I’ll even pretend to believe you.’’

  ‘‘You’ll have to do more than pretend, Beth, or you’re missing the whole point. You have to believe I love you enough to know you’re worth waiting for.’’

  They were both silent. ‘‘I do love you,’’ she said.

  ‘‘I heard you the first time.’’

  ‘‘Do you believe me?’’

  ‘‘I want to.’’