by Roya Carmen
“I’ve never seen your parents so angry.”
Adele had given me permission to visit Izzie since I was the only one, whom in Adele’s opinion, who was not a bad influence. I really wanted to speak with Izzie because I felt so much guilt about the whole incident.
“Thanks for not ratting me out to the police.” Izzie said. “I appreciate it. I know you didn’t say anything… it was all Jimmy.”
“Of course I wouldn’t. We’re friends.”
And just like that, we made up. We were friends again.
Ever since that day, I’ve carried tremendous guilt. I shouldn’t have been involved. I should have called the authorities right away. They could have quickly rescued him without anyone else running into his helpless half-naked body wrapped around a tree. It would have saved Jimmy a lot of humiliation. But I didn’t. Why? Because I didn't want Izzie to be angry with me, more than she already was. She was my only friend after all. She was all I had.
14
Izzie is dressed in blue, a crafted blue cap made of construction paper tops her head. Adele’s red scarf is wrapped around her slender neck, a pretty bow tied under her chin. She’s also wearing Adele’s black heels.
Eight chairs are arranged in rows of twos; the kitchen table chairs and every other one we could find. Little Abe and I are sitting next to each other, the only people on the flight today.
“Hello, my name is Izzie, and I’m going to be your flight attendant today. How are you? Beautiful day, isn’t it?”
Abe smiles wide. He loves to be included in our games, and we pretty much have no choice to include him because he usually follows us around like a lost puppy. “Why, we’re fine. Thank you for asking. My wife doesn’t like planes. They scare her.”
I laugh. His wife… yes. The kid’s pretty spunky for a six-year old.
“There’s nothing to be scared of,” Izzie tells me. Izzie wants to be a flight attendant when she grows up, despite the fact that, like me, she’s never been on a plane. Perhaps it’s the idea of adventure, or escaping this life and this park that excites her.
We play this game a lot.
“The pilot is very good,” she reassures me. “He won’t crash the plane.”
I stare at her cherry red lips. “Okay… if you say so.”
“I do… and he’s also my husband, you know. We met on a plane going to Miami.”
I smile. “I bet he’s handsome too.”
“Yes… gorgeous.”
“Not as handsome as me,” little Abe chimes in, and we both crack up. The kid is cute, and he knows it.
“So I have orange juice, ginger ale and cranberry juice,” she tells us as she reaches for the plastic cups and the boxes of juice on her blue rolling cart, which in actuality, is usually used to store Adele’s beauty supplies; hair curler, hairspray, hair straightener and the like. Adele is not a low maintenance woman. It’s all in a pile on the floor in her bedroom. We promised to tidy everything.
“I’ll have a ginger ale please,” I say. “Lots of ice please.”
“Orange juice for me, please,” Abe pipes in. “No ice.”
Izzie pours us our drinks, all smiles.
Suddenly, the trailer starts to shake. The liquid in our cups spills to the floor. We’re thrown off the chairs, and I reach for Abe’s small hand but he gets away from me. Suddenly we’re in a real plane, hurling toward the ground, thirty thousand feet below. I’m sure I’m going to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to leave before saying goodbye. There’s just one person I need to say goodbye to. I need to say goodbye to Gavin.
I wake suddenly, breathless. My body is sweaty and clammy, the sheets hot.
The clock reads 2:21 AM. It’s late, yet Noah is still by my side, in my bed. I’m in nothing but a t-shirt, and he’s completely naked next to me, sleeping on top of my ruffled sheets. I study him without apology. The moonlight seeps through my window as I trace the curves of his body. I study the tattoo on his shoulder, an intricate design. At its center is the letter E in a serif font. I wonder if it’s a tribute to an ex-girlfriend, perhaps the one who broke his heart, who made him leave Nashville.
He’s so beautiful. And young. What the hell am I doing?
He stirs and I turn my gaze away, not wanting to be caught in the act.
The sex was wild, not especially romantic, but after, we stayed in each other’s arms and said almost nothing. I wondered what he was thinking about, but didn’t dare ask. He seemed to have so much weighing on him. Did he regret our lovemaking? Was he already planning his escape? Was he worried I would become clingy? I pulled away at that thought, turned on my back, and quickly fell into slumber.
He stayed the night. What does this mean? Are we an item now? Men his age hook up with women all the time. Did this mean anything to him? I have so many questions.
I glance at the clock and at the dark sky. They’ll just have to wait.
I wiggled myself into my tightest jeans, and slipped on a cute pink frilly top. My long locks, usually in a pony tail, were worn down. I was going for a mix of sexy and innocent, but I also wanted to look older. I wished I had some heels. For a second, I considered borrowing some from Adele, but I was sure they wouldn’t fit my giant feet. Adele was a small delicate woman, and her feet were as small as the rest of her.
Heels would be too much anyway. He would see right through me.
I was excited as I headed to his place. I was misbehaving and going against my father’s wishes, and something about that was freeing and thrilling.
I knocked on his door, once… twice. I heard Magnum barking, and I waited with bated breath. He swung the door open and did a double take when he saw me. “Abigail…” he said, as if he wasn’t sure it was me.
“Who else would it be, silly.” I handed him a basket of lemon cupcakes.
He seemed reluctant when he accepted the basket. “Thank you,” he said quietly. He didn’t invite me in.
“Well, can I come in or what?”
“Well…” he winced as his gaze raked over me, from the top of my head down to my dirty sneakers. “Uh… sure. What the hell. I was just feeding Magnum.”
Thrilled to bits, I practically bounced into his kitchen. The scent of dog food was overpowering. I took a seat at the kitchen table and watched intently as he bent down to give Magnum his bowl of food. The dog quickly buried his face in it, and ate like he hadn't been fed in days.
Gavin laughed. “He’s always like this.”
My eyes danced over Gavin’s lean frame, a thin ratty v-neck t-shirt, dark jeans hanging off his hips, a messy beard. “He’s a hungry boy, I guess.”
Gavin was staring at Magnum, avoiding eye contact at all costs. “Thank you, Abigail, for the cupcakes. How did you know I had a sweet tooth?”
“Lucky guess.” Look at me, please. I made myself pretty for you today. I even wore some makeup.
Izzie and Adele were surprised when I asked them to go makeup shopping with me. Surprised and excited, and more than willing to make me over.
He reached for a cupcake. “Listen, Abigail. I appreciate you bringing cupcakes and stuff. You’re a sweetheart.” He slowly freed the cupcake from its pleated paper skirt. “You’re the only one around here who’s actually been nice to me…”
I listened attentively.
His lips drew thin. “But…”
But what?
“You coming here is not appropriate,” he went on. “You’re fourteen years old, Abigail. And I’m a twenty-four year old man. We can’t be friends.”
My heart sank, so low, I thought I might just die right there.
“Why not?” I cried. “So you’re a lot older than me. What’s the big deal?”
“The big deal… is people. People talk, Abigail. And everyone already hates me around here.”
I thought of the rumors I’d heard. “Who cares about those people,” I scoffed. “They’re all idiots.”
“You’re too young, Abigail.”
I exhaled a long breath. “No one
needs to know,” I pointed out. “We live at the end of the street. Think about it, Gavin… you’re tucked in between the forest and me. Old Mrs. Harris never leaves her trailer and keeps her curtains drawn. Sometimes I wonder if she’s even still alive in there, and the Rogers’ are always drunk and talking nonsense. Nobody takes them seriously.”
“Abigail…”
“You know I’m right. If I’m careful when I come over, no one needs to know.”
He shook his head. “It’s not—”
“Don’t you like me?” I asked, afraid of the answer.
His gaze dropped to the table. “I do… a lot… that’s the problem, Abigail.”
My whole core warmed at the sound of those words, words I’d wanted to hear for a long time. He liked me… too much. And I loved the way he said my name. Abigail. No one called me Abigail but him. I would replay that one sentence a thousand times in bed that night.
I made a decision right then. “I’m not going away,” I told him, resolute. “I’ll keep coming here. You’ll have to physically push me away.”
I didn’t realize at the time that we both so desperately needed each other. We were both so lonely and looking to truly connect with someone. Sure, I had Izzie, but our friendship wasn’t quite what it should have been. She never really cared.
He closed his eyes and took a bite of his cupcake.
15
Gavin laughed when he caught me cheating. I loved his laugh, so full of life, so hearty and real. It was nice to see sometimes because there was so much darkness in him, darkness I sometimes couldn’t see through. I didn’t know his story yet, but I desperately wanted to. I knew if I was patient, he’d let me in one day. I just needed to be a good friend.
“What?” I said, feigning innocence.
“I saw you.” A smile traced his beautiful lips. “You were looking at the letters.”
The bag of letters was still in my hand. “Busted.”
He shot me a sweet grin.
“It’s not fair,” I pointed out. “You’re so much better at this game than I am. And you’re also ten years older than me.” We didn’t often mention our age difference because we didn’t like to think about it.
“Yeah, I might just be a lowly mechanic who fixes junk for a living, but I’m kind of a whiz with words.”
I gazed over at all the books filling the bookcase and lining the walls. “Yes, you’re a closet bookworm. I promise I won’t tell.”
He killed me with a triple word score. “That’s punishment right there, kid.”
I hated it when he called me kid. I wanted him to see me as a woman, not a kid, but he just refused to. No matter how much make-up I put on, how tight I wore my jeans, he put on his blinders, refusing to really look at me. Once, I showed up in one of Izzie’s low cut tops, and he handed me one of his sweaters and ordered me to wear it.
He made us mugs of hot cocoa after our game. He slipped an ounce or two of Baileys cream in his, and when I begged for some, he told me I was too young to drink.
I loved it at Gavin’s place. The wood stove was so cozy in the winter, and I even had my favorite throw I’d bury myself into. He played music on his stereo, and we’d play board games. Scrabble was his favorite. And Mastermind was mine. It certainly beat the toxic vibe at my place. My dad and brothers were always bickering. When they weren’t putting me down, they’d treat me like their own personal maid. I did all the cleaning and the cooking. I drew the line at laundry. I didn’t do anyone’s dirty laundry but mine.
When I was at Gavin’s, they thought I was at Izzie’s. They were too self-involved to even consider the possibility that I might be lying.
Izzie wasn’t in on the deception. I never told her about Gavin because I knew she liked him. He’d brushed her off a few times, and she’d given up. “He’s just an old stupid weirdo anyway,” she’d said.
I was secretly thrilled when she abandoned her chase. He was all mine. And I respected him so much for resisting her advances. Most single men couldn’t have. Heck, even the married ones would have been hard pressed not to fall under her spell.
Although Izzie did become curious. “Why don’t you come over anymore?” she asked one day on the school bus. “I never see you anymore, outside of school. Abe and my mom miss you.”
Little Abe. I missed him too. And Adele. I missed her spaghetti and watching rom-coms with her. I felt bad. “I’ll come over tonight. How about that?”
Izzie perked up. “I’ll ask my mom to buy us junk food. It’ll be fun.”
“Is your uncle Pete going to be there?”
“Why? What’s the big deal if he is?”
I didn’t want her to know I didn’t like her uncle Pete, her dad’s younger brother. I found him annoying and kind of creepy. He was too touchy and too familiar. I’d often want to scream “Get a life, dude, and leave us alone.”
I knew I was walking a fine line. I had to separate my time between Izzie and Gavin because if she became suspicious, she would cause trouble. And if there was one thing Izzie was, amongst many things, was nosy.
I knew if she were to find out how close Gavin and I were, all hell would break loose.
When I wake in the morning, Noah is still sleeping, with his back to me. I want to touch him. I slide my hand up his beautiful back, and my eyes are greedy. I notice another tattoo I’d completely missed on the back of his other shoulder, a music note. I smile.
He jerks around suddenly, and steals my breath away.
“Morning,” I say, cheerful.
He rubs his eye. “Morning.”
He’s just as breathtaking with mussed up hair and sleep in his eyes. I’m at a loss for words. And so is he.
“Uh… so last night…” I say, desperately wanting to talk about it. What does this mean exactly? Was it just a one night stand for him? It wasn’t for me. I’ve already fallen.
His gaze pulls away from mine. “Uh… last night was crazy. I guess we both got carried away. We probably shouldn’t…” He rises from the bed, his bare ass on full display.
My heart is in my throat. I was right. He doesn’t want anything more. This was just sex for him. I should have known. I was so damn foolish.
I think I might be falling in love with you, he’d said. Bull fucking shit.
He pulls up his jeans and turns to me. “You’re amazing, Abby, but…”
But what? But you’re too old? But I’m not ready to settle down because I want to stick my dick in as many women as I can before I turn grey. Because I’m a fucking pig.
“I get it,” I say, feigning aloofness. “It was just a good time. It doesn’t need to mean anything more.” I’m still buried under the sheets because I have no clue where my panties are and there’s no way I’m letting him see me bottomless. The younger women he dates are probably all bare, and you’d have to pay me a lot of money to get a Brazilian.
He smiles. “I had a good time.”
Of course you did, you pig.
“I’m going back to sleep,” I tell him. “Let yourself out.” Honestly, I don’t want to see his face again. I’m so stupid. I actually thought I was falling for him. No, there’s still only one man I’ve ever truly loved. I reach for the silver heart pendant hanging from the chain on my neck. I like to hold it between my fingers when I’m sad. It brings me back to happier times. There’s one particular day I always go back to because it fills my heart with joy.
I would often sit on Gavin’s sofa and flip through his comic books. A particular favorite was Calvin & Hobbes. I was laughing at their shenanigans when Gavin handed me a cup of cocoa.
My heart swelled at the sight of it. “Mmm… looks good. You even put some mini marshmallows in it.”
“Of course. Anything for my favorite girl.”
My heart warmed at his words. I liked being his ‘favorite girl’. I tentatively enjoyed a sip of the hot cocoa; it was sweet and tasty and perfect for the cold winter day. A fire was blazing in the wood stove, warming all of us up. Magnum was sleeping at my feet
.
The day was perfect. It didn’t matter that everyone had forgotten my birthday, save for Izzie. She’d brought me a basket of goodies; lip gloss, a CD, a book, junk food and cozy pajamas. When I’d asked her where she got the money, she said Adele paid for everything. I made a mental note to thank her later.
Gavin’s long legs stretched out on the coffee table as he took a seat next to me. He wore plaid pajama pants and a thick sweater. He looked as cozy as a teddy bear and I had the urge to cuddle up against him. I didn’t of course, because I knew that would be inappropriate, and I didn’t sit too close either because if I ever did, he’d instruct me to get my behind on the other edge of the couch.
“So anything special planned for today?” he asked.
I shrugged. “Nope. Why would I have something special planned?”
“Well, with it being your fifteenth birthday and all, I thought—”
I whipped around. “You remembered my birthday?”
His smile was coy.
“How did you know it was my birthday?” I asked, completely dumbfounded.
“You mentioned it before. February 21st was my mom’s birthday. It stuck with me, I guess.”
I nodded, smiling like a crazy person.
His gaze stuck to mine, and we were lost in each other for a beat.
“You’re sitting too close again,” he whispered.
I smiled. “I know.”
“Happy Birthday, Abigail,” he said softly.
I bit my lip. All I wanted right then was a kiss. I wanted him to lean in and kiss me. I knew he never would because he was a good man, and as much as I wanted him, I would have never put him in that position.
“What did you wish for?” he asked.