by Roya Carmen
A kiss from you.
I smiled. “Nothing. It’s hard to make a birthday wish when you don’t have a cake.”
He shook his head, and studied me for the longest time. “You deserve better.”
I know.
A smile traced his lips. “Well, we can fix that right now. Stay right there and close your eyes.”
My pulse quickened. What was he up to? I did as instructed, and closed my eyes. Hot cup of cocoa in hand, I eagerly anticipated what was to come. I heard clanking and commotion coming from the kitchen.
“Okay… you can open your eyes,” he called out.
When I finally did, he was standing in the kitchen with a chocolate cake on a platter, fifteen candles lit up.
I wanted to cry. I sat my cup of cocoa on the coffee table and rose to my feet, a hand splayed over my heart. No one had ever done anything so amazing for me.
He positioned the cake carefully at the center of his small kitchen table. “Make a wish.”
I took a seat at the table. A kiss from Gavin. I blew out the candles, but two were stubborn and refused to be extinguished. I blew a second time, exasperated.
He clapped enthusiastically, and at that moment, the most beautiful thing in the room was his smile.
“Let’s eat,” he said, handing me a knife. “Sorry, it’s just a store-bought cake. I’m not much of a baker.”
I was quick to cut the first piece. I couldn’t wait to eat it. “I love store-bought cakes. They’re the best… and chocolate is my favorite.”
His smile was coy. “Good. I’m glad you like it.”
We both indulged in not one, but two pieces, delighting in the moist cake, heavy chocolate icing, and chocolate sprinkles. I licked my lips as I finished my last bite. I caught Gavin studying me as he often did, like he couldn’t believe I was sitting in front of him, another live human being.
I caught you, handsome.
He practically bounced off the chair when he got up from the table. “I’ve got another surprise for you.”
“Really?” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. He had another surprise. My brain was too excited to even fathom what this second surprise could possibly be. When he came back, he was holding a large wrapped gift in his arms, complete with pink bow.
A lump lodged in my throat, threatening to break me apart. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been so touched… so happy. I didn’t care what was in the box. It was truly the thought that counted.
I tore into it as soon as he handed me the big box, and ripped the pretty wrapping with all my might. When I got to the plain brown box, I needed help to rip off the packing tape. When I finally dug into the box, I was greeted by a shiny sphere shape, black and pink. It took me a second to realize it was a snowmobiling helmet. I reached in, giddy, and pulled it out. My heart was beating a mile a minute.
“Does this mean…” I’d been begging him to take me for a ride on his snowmobile but he always said he only had one helmet.
He smiled wide. “Yep. You finally wore me down. I’ll take you for a ride.”
I bounced off my chair, and jumped up and down like a five year-old girl. I hugged him and didn’t waste a second in trying on the helmet. I slipped it over my head eagerly. It was a snug fit.
He stood over me. “Hold up,” he said, and helped me with the clasp. I suddenly felt claustrophobic and I closed my eyes, telling myself to snap out of it. This meant I could ride along with him on his adventures. It meant everything.
“Will you let me ride it?” I teased.
He secured the helmet. “Uh… why the hell not?”
“Really!”
He grinned and pulled the visor down.
I walked around with the helmet on, acting like an alien. Magnum looked a little concerned, and Gavin was laughing his head off.
I reached for the clasp, and Gavin was quick to help me. “So how about it?” he said. “It’s a beautiful day, perfect for snowmobiling.”
“My eyes grew wide. “Right now?”
He laughed. “Yes, right now. You have a decent snowsuit?”
“Yep.” I didn’t have much, but I did own a good snowsuit and winter boots. My dad took winter wear seriously following an event when I ended at the emergency with frostbite on my toes.
“Well, what are you waiting for?” he asked.
“Okay, I’ll be right back,” I told him, readying to go get my gear on, helmet in hand.
“Wait, Abigail,” he said with a hand on my arm. “Leave the helmet and meet me at the dunes.”
I nodded, curious.
“I don’t want anyone to see us riding off together,” he clarified. “Wouldn’t look good.”
I nodded in understanding.
“Watch out for me, and when you hear me set off, you walk over to the dunes and we’ll meet there. I’ll bring your helmet.” He grabbed it from my hands with a playful smile.
This was exciting. It felt like we were up to something we shouldn’t have been and I loved the feeling of behaving badly, of sticking it to my dad.
Fuck you, Dad.
16
I’ve developed a new appreciation for Saturdays since going back to work. I’d forgotten how precious these weekend days are; sleeping in, indulging in down time, no responsibilities, no one depending on you.
The only thing on my agenda today is lunch with the girls at that little Mexican place we love. Sure, I basically just got played and used by a guy I thought I might be falling for, but if there’s anything that can cheer me up, it’s Mexican food and my friends.
Claudia looks amazing in torn jeans, a Wonder Woman t-shirt and fancy booties. I would have never thought of putting that all together and calling it an outfit, but she makes it work. Mischa is all smiles, in a pretty red dress, and Gretchen is wearing slim black pants and a blue turtleneck. I feel underdressed in my plain jeans, t-shirt and Converses. My hair is a mess and I haven’t even bothered with makeup. I wasn’t exactly in the best of moods when I left my place. I don’t even have an appetite.
Mischa gives me a quick hug and raises a brow. “Something’s up,” she says. “What’s wrong?”
I haven’t said a single word, but that’s Mischa for you. It’s like she’s a mind reader sometimes.
“Is something wrong?” Claudia asks and wraps me in one of her long tight bear hugs. “Spill.”
Gretchen shoots me a quick smile and gives me a squeeze.
I haven’t even sat down yet, and they’re already wanting the juicy details. The server pours us all glasses of water as I hang my jacket on the back of my chair and settle in. I take a few seconds to take in the atmosphere; red tablecloths, string lights, a large Mexican flag on the wall, and colorful knick knacks dotting the rustic wooden shelves. This is the closest to Mexico you can get around here. All we’re missing is the sun.
“So what’s up?” Claudia asks, nosy as usual.
I’m kind of on the spot but thankfully, the waitress shows up and asks for our drink orders. I order a margarita, my usual.
The server jots down everyone’s orders, and as soon as she leaves, Claudia is right back on my case.
There’s no way around it, so I decide to just spill the beans. “Noah and I slept together last night.”
Dropped jaws all around. “No way,” Mischa says, as if she doesn’t quite believe it. As if she doesn’t quite approve. Too soon?
“You go, girl,” Claudia cheers. “Look at our little Abby, getting some.”
With the tip of my finger against my lips, I shush her. Jeez.
“You don’t look happy though,” Gretchen points out.
“Was it not good?” Claudia teases. “The guy’s just a kid… was he a quick draw?”
I shake my head, recollecting the previous night’s events. I wish he’d been bad in bed. No, he was amazing, slow and sexy… teasing, driving me up the walls, and finally, giving me one of the best orgasms I’ve ever had.
“Nope… it was fine.”
“Fine?” Mi
scha says. “It needs to be better than fine.”
“Oh, it was. It was amazing,” I admit.
Claudia sits up straighter, riveted. “So, what’s the problem, babe?”
“It was the morning after,” I tell them. “He basically told me it was a mistake. The kid just used me… I was just a one-night stand.”
Gretchen’s face falls. “Really?”
She gets it. She’s a romantic like I am. “Yep.”
Just then, with perfect timing, our waitress, Gloria, is back with our drinks. “You gals look like you need these,” she says as she hands me my margarita.
“We do,” Claudia tells her. “You’re an angel.”
I met Gavin at the sand dunes, like we’d planned. My pulse quickened as soon as I spotted the blur of yellow and black in the distance. The sound of him speeding toward me thrilled me. We were really doing this, and I couldn’t wait.
He came to a stop a few feet from me, pulled off his helmet and shot me a wicked smile. God, the man was sexy. I was lost to all the boys at school and at the park. There was only Gavin as far as I was concerned.
He turned off his engine and got off his ride. He reached at the back and grabbed my helmet, and helped me into it. “Are those boots warm?”
“Yes, Sir.”
“How about those gloves? They look okay.”
“Yep, I stole them from my brother.”
“Okay, we’re good to go. You’ve been on a sled before?”
I smiled up at him. “Yep.” I didn’t have one, but everyone in the park had been for a ride at some point.
“Good, so you know how to handle yourself.”
I smile. “More than you know,” I teased.
He smiled and turned back to his ride.
I hopped right behind him. He told me I could either hold on to the passenger bars, or I could hold on to him. Of course I chose the latter, and wrapped my arms tightly around his torso.
As soon as he sped off, I felt more alive than I had in a long time. It was perfect, just me and him, a winter wonderland, and the sensation of escaping. It was exactly what I needed. We swerved along trails and bounced over hills. I mimicked his movements, my body becoming an extension of his. My toes got cold, but I could have done this all day, frostbite be damned.
I hollered as we spun circles, and I held on with all my might, smiling so hard, my mouth ached. When we finally came to, he turned around and asked me if I wanted to give it a go. I didn’t hesitate and was quick to settle in the front. I’d never ridden before so he had to give me a quick lesson.
I was cautious when we set off, distracted by the feel of his arms wrapped around me. It drove me crazy. He was so close. And I knew that he had the option of holding on to the bars, but he obviously wanted to be close to me. I could barely focus as I rode slow circles and headed to the trails. I took it easy, because the last thing I wanted to do was crash into a tree or flip us over.
It was the best time of my life.
He dropped me off at the dunes, and sped off. I trudged through the snow back to my place, my legs wobbly, my toes frozen, a goofy smile plastered on my face. When I finally got home, I walked around to the back, and snuck into Gavin’s yard, which was the custom. I made sure no one was around, and quietly made my way to his back door. I knocked and he answered quickly. I couldn’t wait to get warm inside. He already had the wood stove going, and some hot drinks ready.
I peeled off my heavy jacket. “Slipping out of a cold damp suit is the best feeling in the world.”
He handed me a cup of hot chocolate. “Tell me about it. I think it might be my favorite part of sledding.”
I laughed. “I thought it was the speed, and the fearless quest for adventure.”
He shrugged. “Oh yeah… that too.”
I took a seat on the sofa, and he sat next to me at a respectable distance. “So, how did you like it?”
“It was fantastic,” I was quick to tell him. “Let’s do it again soon.”
He smiled. “Hold on there, cowgirl.”
I laughed. “It was fun, but my feet were freezing. I can’t feel my toes. I guess my boots weren’t as good as I thought.”
His lips drew thin, and he cocked a brow. “Let me see.”
“What?”
“Let me see your feet,” he urged.
I pulled off my socks and stretched out my legs on the sofa. He studied my feet for a few seconds, and wrapped his large warm hands around them. It was pure heaven, and I could have died right there. “How’s that?” he asked.
“Amazing,” I moaned.
He hopped off the couch. “Wait right there.”
I wanted his hands on my feet again. I desperately longed for his warmth. The fire was keeping us warm, but I also wanted Gavin’s heat.
He came back with a thick pair of wool socks. “Here, put these on. They’ll keep you cozy.”
I smiled and grabbed the socks. I quickly slipped them on, picked up my cup of hot chocolate, and settled back on the sofa. “Heaven.”
His smile was impish. “Yes… definitely.”
“Thank you…” I told him quietly, lost in his beautiful brown eyes. “Thank you for all this… the cake, the gift. You have no idea what it means to me.”
His eyes fixed mine for a long beat before he finally said, “Making you happy makes me happy.”
Such simple words, but they were the most beautiful words I’d ever heard.
I leaned forward and set my mug on the coffee table. I turned to Gavin whose eyes were all over me, anticipating what I would do next. I think he knew, but couldn’t believe it. I inched slowly closer. He didn’t move, just stayed still like a deer caught in headlights. He was under my spell. I splayed my hand on his chest, against the thick fabric of his sweater. He exhaled, and I moved closer still, testing the waters. He was stiff, restrained. “Abigail…” he whispered.
“Gavin…”
I pressed myself against him, and slid my mouth against his beard, wanting to know what it would feel like. Both prickly and soft. And intoxicating.
“Abigail…” he breathed. The rise and fall of his chest and his labored breathing told me everything I needed to know. He wanted this as much as I did. When my lips finally reached his, he was hesitant. He did not invite me in. I closed my eyes, and pulled away—
That’s when he grabbed my face and stole the breath from my lungs. He took me with more force, more passion than I could have ever imagined. His mouth parted against mine, vulnerable. My tongue explored his and my body was suddenly on fire, aroused, wanting more. The feeling was completely foreign to me, yet it was delicious and exhilarating. I’d kissed a boy or two before, but it was nothing like this. It had been awkward, all sloppy tongues. But this, this was something else.
I wrapped myself tightly around him, my mouth greedy, desperate, my hands tangled in his thick hair.
“Abigail…” he breathed heavily. “We can’t…” He pleaded me to stop, but I was completely lost to him, out of control. The more he pushed me away, the more I tempted him, a hand under his sweater, the other tangled in his hair.
That’s when he pushed me off him. A little too hard. Just like that. I fell to the floor, just missing the corner of the coffee table. Magnum’s ears were standing to attention.
Gavin dropped to his knees next to me. “I’m so sorry, Abigail. Are you okay?”
I was shaken and heartbroken, but otherwise fine. “I’m okay.”
“You need to go,” he said and I knew from his tone that he meant business. I scraped myself off the floor.
“I should have never kissed you.” He turned from me, rubbing furiously at his face. “You’re fifteen years old, for fuck sake’s. You shouldn’t even be here at all.”
I stood, shaking, my legs wobbly. Perhaps it was the adrenaline, or the intense heartbreak. To this day, I’ve never experienced those shakes again.
“I’m the one who kissed you,” I pointed out.
He whipped around. “That doesn’t mak
e a goddamn difference, Abigail. I let you kiss me, and that makes me a fucking pig.”
I shook my head. “But… I wanted it. I wanted you,” I tried to explain.
He drew a long breath, at a complete loss for words. “You need to go.”
“It’s okay because I love you,” I said, my words a whisper. I’d never told anyone I loved them before, save for my parents when I was a kid.
Gavin winced, and he didn’t say the words back, which absolutely wrecked me. I wanted to hear those words. I love you too, Abigail.
“You need to go, kid,” he said instead, and I understood that I needed to listen, that this was a lost cause, that he’d probably never let me in his trailer ever again.
I trudged back slowly to the back door and shrugged into my winter jacket. He couldn’t even look at me, he stared at the floor the whole time. Magnum looked at me with sad eyes, almost as if he knew how heartbroken I was. I bet he did. I slipped into my cold wet boots and gloves and grabbed my snow pants. I didn’t say goodbye. I just opened the door behind me and stepped out quietly.
I couldn’t look at him either.
As I headed back home, I carefully watched my surroundings, making sure there were no witnesses. It had become habit by then. My heart was heavy, aching with the thought that we might not be friends anymore.
I had gotten my wish. A kiss from Gavin.
But at what cost?
17
Colleen Parson’s home, a beautiful brownstone in Hyde Park, is pristine; manicured lawns, stain-glass windows, and potted plants hanging on the porch.
As soon as the door swings open, Colleen greets me with a bright smile. She looks exactly like her younger sister, albeit a brighter, shinier, flawless version. Colette 2.0, if you will. Everything about her screams money; the highlights in her hair, the diamond stud in her ears, her pink and black cardigan, and the fancy apron. It’s hard to believe the two women are related.
“You must be Mrs. Cooper. Come in, please.” She offers me her hand, and I shake it enthusiastically, already taking in the space; shiny hardwood flooring and sleek contemporary decor. “Call me Abby, please.”
“Yes… will do,” she says. “Come in. Please keep your shoes on… love those, by the way.” She leads me to the kitchen where she’s in the middle of baking muffins. I wonder if that’s just for my benefit, or if she always bakes muffins in the afternoon. She’s certainly equipped; a red Kitchen Aid mixer and a selection of colorful vintage bowls dot the kitchen. “Greg and the kids will be here shortly. Greg is getting out of work early today.”