That Was Then

by Gerard Stembridge

  June Of course. Tax dodging is in his blood anyway. Tax dodging the Queen would be practically a religious thing.

  Julian Yes. I see. Okay. Chilli oil or chilli powder?

  June And don't forget - oil - he knows that we know where at least some of his bodies are buried.

  Julian That's true.

  June Which I suspect is probably why he's agreed to come here.

  Julian You're right.

  June Not that such a thing would ever be mentioned of course.

  Julian No. But it could hover in the air. I mean that tribunal in Dublin a couple of years back. Land deals, backhanders, he was up to his bollocks in it.

  June He got away with it though.

  Noel enters to dining room.

  Julian It's Ireland, darling.

  June But we have the kind of evidence that might ruin him even in Ireland.

  Julian You think?

  June No probably not. Which of course is why Ireland is the place for us. No one here will bail us out. What's the alternative?

  Julian Bankruptcy, gaol.

  June Unless we find a third way.

  Julian Christ if we could. Injury time; a Beckham free kick, top corner - yes!

  June There you go. (The onions and garlic chopped)

  Noel enters kitchen.

  Julian Okay, I'll face him. Let's do it. What do you think? Balls big enough?

  He holds up a prototype meatball. June sighs.

  Noel holds up a tiny carton of cream.

  Noel Biggest they had, I'm afraid.

  May Oh, Noel, that's no good.

  Noel So I got you ten of them. (Produces bag) Enough cream for dessert, for the main course, for your corn flakes in the morning, and maybe for a few brandy Alexanders later on tonight if the mood is right. (A bottle of Remy Martin) Remy Martin.

  May Ah, not more drink.

  Noel (outrageous French) Rrrremeee Marrrrtang! That should impress the Brits.

  May I'm sure. Get out of my way now, while I do this.

  Noel Do you know what? I've a good feeling about tonight.

  Julian I still have a bad feeling about tonight.

  Noel goes into the dining room.

  May It'll be grand.

  June Look. Be sensible and focus on the end result. It'll be painless. (Checks watch) Fifteen minutes.

  June also goes into the dining room and continues dressing the table, while Noel sits there messing with arrangements. Julian continues making meatballs.

  May Although why you have to wine and dine some English fellah just for a loan -

  Noel It's complicated, May.

  May Surely any of the banks here will give you a loan.

  Noel Of course they would.

  May Your credit is good, isn't it?

  Noel Don't worry yourself about it.

  May Especially after those fabulous apartments you built out by the canal. Sure you sold the lot off the plans didn't you?.

  Noel We did all right.

  May Our retirement secured, you told me.

  Noel (to himself) Jesus, does she ever - (Loud) Yes.

  May - and that offshore thing, whatever it is.

  Noel This has nothing to do with that. This is something else.

  May But what I'm saying is can't you bring all that money onshore again and use it. I mean better than getting a loan and paying big interest to some English fellah. And what if you get done on the sterling, then you'd be ragin' -

  Noel goes to the kitchen.

  Noel May, May, May -

  May What?

  Noel You know fuck all about money matters. You're giving me a headache.

  May Sorry.

  Noel What's up with you? Normally you don't bother your head about any of this, now suddenly you're like a tax inspector smelling a rat.

  May I'm sorry love.

  June Right, I'll go and change then shall I?

  Noel Why I don't know. Is there something on your mind?

  Julian Something sexy I hope.

  May A small thing.

  Julian Something revealing.

  Noel Spit it out -

  June Do my best.

  Noel You know me May. In life and in business, straight as a die.

  Julian But with an air of mystery. Enigmatic, sensual.

  June exits and Julian continues preparing the food during this:

  May Well . . . it's just. I don't say anything normally because I understand you have to do your things your way.

  Noel That's right.

  May And I know that as a person, as the person I know, you're as honest as the next man, but of course in this country it's not what you know, as much as who you know.

  Noel As much as who you know, that's the point May -

  May - So you have to keep well in with people like that Minister pal of yours and the funny looking fellah down in the corporation for the planning and councillors of course all sorts even your man who goes to gaol for a week here and a week there. That's all fine -

  Noel You're thinking about the tribunal aren't you? That's what's on your mind isn't it?

  May Well . . .

  Noel What am I being asked to do May?

  May I don't know really . . . ahm . . .

  Noel You saw the letter they sent. What am I being asked to do?

  May Help them -

  Noel What were the words?

  May Clarify some matters, they said -

  Noel Yes. Exactly. No accusations of any kind. I explained this to you. Put it out of your mind 'cause at the rate they're going it'll be 18 months or two years before they even get round to me. They might never. I'm small fry. I'm a nobody. Some old fucking builder.

  May Oh, I know, sure -

  Noel So that's gone, is it?

  May Right.

  Noel Out of your head completely?

  May Yes.

  Noel Good. (Pours another drink)

  May I mean I suppose it's just I'm confused.

  Noel sighs.

  May No you see wait - no, 'cause . . . there's never been anyone from England visiting before. The only time you ever even mention England is about when you were there working on the sites years ago, and that's only stories about yourself and the lads and things you got up to, hijinks and so on and the awful things you had to put up with from snobby English -

  Noel May, is all this leading somewhere, or is it complete shite-talk?

  May Well all I'm saying is . . . you're trying to get that shopping centre built.

  Noel I know what I'm trying to do.

  May That's the big thing for you at the moment. And I mean it sounds just fabulous now, a great amenity, if you can get it going. So this Englishman — what has he to do with it? You know, I was just wondering . . .

  Noel What does be going on in your head at all?

  May Nothing. I mean -

  Noel You're worried that something I'm doing might turn out to be a bit illegal maybe? Hm?

  May No, no, no . . .

  Noel Do you think so litde of me?

  May Ah Noel. I just prefer it when it's clear in my head what the thing is.

  Noel (sighs) Julian Summer was referred to me by the Minister personally - does that ease your mind?

  May Was he?

  Noel This fellah, he actually hires the Minister, the Minister works for him in other words, as a consultant on any issues related to his business and Ireland.

  May Go way.

  Noel Oh yes. Holds him in high esteem. So if he thinks I should meet this Mr Summers, I'm not going to say no am I?

  May No, of course not.

  Noel A hello session. Contacts May.

  May Right. But you mentioned a loan -

  Noel That's only - that's nothing - that's only to give us a talking point.

  May So this really has nothing to do with the planning permission for the shopping centre?

  Noel What made you think it had?

  May Just, I suppose that's what's taking up all your time at the mo
ment, and then suddenly you invite this Englishman over -

  Noel (sighs) May, love . . .

  May Yes?

  Noel Is that something burning?

  May Oh Jesus.

  Noel I'll open a few more of these. Let them breathe.

  May saves the food, while Noel opens more bottles of wine. Drinking fairly continuously.

  Noel The thing is to relax May, tonight is just a bit of plain simple Irish hospitality. 'Course now just because I might want to do business with this fellah whenever, whatever, doesn't mean we have to lick his hole either.

  May (the rice) I think it'll be all right.

  Noel I haven't met him, mind you. He might be sound as a trout, but you know what the English are like generally. If they think they have the upper hand at all then you might as well just curl up in a corner and wave the white flag.

  Julian in the dining room, knocks over wine.

  Julian Oh blue bollocks.

  Noel They just can't help themselves putting the boot in. Grind down the small man. They just think they're naturally superior . . . That's the class system for you. You see we don't have any of that shite -

  Julian is now on his hands and knees furiously wiping up.

  Noel is standing over him. Drinking.

  Noel One man's as good as another over here. No distinctions. Not like the Brits. So the thing I learned over the years is, never look like you need them. Stand up to them. Eyeball to eyeball and never blink.

  May I hope they're on time, dinner should be ready in about fifteen minutes.

  Noel If they're late it's their fault. Make them apologise.

  May Ah can't we just have a nice civilised evening.

  Noel After what they did to this country?

  May What? - Oh, Noel, I thought you wanted to get on with this man.

  Noel On my terms. Not on his terms. A good kick up the hole is what they need sometimes.

  As Noel kicks, Julian moves away just in time, throwing down the cloth in despair, like a distressed child.

  Julian Christ, I feel like I'm third class on the Titanic. June!

  May What's his wife's name?

  Noel Haven't a clue.

  Julian June!

  Noel Who cares.

  Julian Please!

  May It's just sometimes you get an idea of someone's personality from their name.

  Julian June!

  Noel What's her personality got to do with it? Just be nice to her.

  May Of course I will. What else would I be?

  Noel Well, I don't want you messing everything up -

  May Ah, Noel!

  Noel By saying the wrong thing, some stupid thing.

  Julian For Christ's sake!

  Noel She's probably a lady-

  May I'm sure she is.

  Noel - and English women are very sensitive when they're ladies.

  June reappears, looking quite stunning.

  June I'm not fucking deaf.

  May I'm sure she'll be gorgeous.

  Noel Doesn't matter if she's ugly as Mick Moore's wife - you'll still be nice to her.

  June Oh no.

  May Of course I will. - She'll never be as ugly as poor Mick's wife, will she?

  Julian Sorry.

  May Poor thing -

  June Not now. Please.

  Noel No I'm sure his bird'll be a fine looking woman. Just leave her with a good impression.

  June This is such wrong timing -

  Noel Make her happy.

  June I get so angry.

  May Don't worry.

  Julian Sorry.

  June Not with you. With myself.

  Noel And are you going to clean yourself up at all?

  Julian Such a mess.

  May Well - I'd love to. Can you keep an eye on the food. You know without -

  Julian Knocking stuff over. So stupid.

  Noel Will you relax?

  June I feel so useless.

  Noel Go on, doll yourself up, they'll be here soon.

  May exits. Noel drinks and pointlessly stirs food. The more he gets bored the faster he will drink.

  June I should be able to help you see sense but I can't. It's my fault, a complete failure to communicate, which has left you cut adrift.

  Julian No, it's me, I'm being hysterical. You're fantastic.

  June leads Julian to the sofa and pours him a drink. Massages his shoulders as they talk.

  June Look. Let's understand this clearly. I know it must seem to you I've been barging ahead, making plans, not keeping you up to speed and this is the result. Breakdown. I'm really sorry. It's just there genuinely is so little time. (Checks watch) Ten minutes in fact.

  Julian Why is he coming? What is he up to?

  June How do you mean?

  Julian When you suggested contacting him. I didn't believe he'd come.

  June Fair enough. But why would he bother to come unless he's well-disposed towards you?

  Noel (sneering) Mmm - cheers, old chap.

  Julian I suppose.

  Noel Old sport.

  Julian That's what I've been trying to tell myself. So I kept my mouth shut.

  June Kept your mouth shut? You said it was a great idea.

  Julian I probably gave that general impression, yes.

  Noel You smart-alec fuck.

  June No. You said, go ahead, contact him.

  Julian True. But you see . . . I never thought he'd say yes. I thought he'd think . . .

  Noel English bollocks.

  Julian . . . it was a bad idea. Like me.

  June Like you?

  Julian Yes. The truth is . . . the real truth is . . . I don't want to meet him.

  Noel He'd better not make me beg -

  June Oh come on!

  Julian No, really. I'd rather not.

  Noel If he makes me beg -

  June But we did him a big favour.

  Noel chuckles dangerously.

  Julian Exactly.

  Noel Thanks for the cash, now fuck off back to England.

  June This is all news to me Jules - darling.

  Julian I know. I'm sorry.

  June I mean he wasn't the most pleasant man I've ever met by a long long way. But no worse than some of those Bulgarians or Latvians surely.

  Julian No he's different. They're just crims. He doesn't work that way. I think he's motivated by some horrible negative . . . primal thing. Remember, he needed a favour from us.

  June And we gave it to him.

  Julian And I think it made him hate us more.

  June That was then. But he's become so fabulously successful he must have changed.

  Julian He's over here to see Michael Flatley?

  June Fair point.

  Noel May, how often do I have to stir this shite?

  May (off) Constantly.

  Noel continues drinking and stirring.

  June So it's this that's brought back the panic attacks, not the newspaper stuff.

  Julian Yes.

  June But it was one night when? . . . five - six years ago.

  Julian I know.

  June I mean, okay, he was too much, but wasn't he just - being Irish?

  Julian Yes, well I'd never had someone be Irish all over me before.

  June Was it like when I first met your parents?

  Julian Right, at least you know the feeling.

  June But six years later, I had gotten used to it?

  Julian Oh come on darling, my parents may not have been as friendly as one would like -

  June I didn't wake up screaming and sweating anymore.

  Julian Do you not remember how gruesome as fuck that night was.

  June Well God knows we've had a few gruesome nights.

  Julian For sure.

  June And we've been to Dublin several times since then.

  Julian Not for a couple of years.

  June I know, but we have been there since that night -

  Julian Only when he wasn't there.

  J
une - We like Dublin - What?

  Julian Only when I was sure he wasn't around.

  June How could you be

  Julian I used to check.

  Pause.

  Noel tastes the sauce.

  Noel Mmm - bit more of the vino I think.

  He pours in a lot of wine.

  June Jules darling. Take me through this.

  Noel Some for you, some for me.

  Julian Well you know how everyone knows everyone's business in Dublin?

  June Keep going.

  Julian So . . . well. . . whenever you suggested a trip over, weekend break or whatever, I'd get on the phone to people I knew there to try and check out what his movements were. If he was going to be away, then I'd feel it was safe to go. But if he was around - well Dublin's pretty small and I wouldn't really be comfortable knowing we might bump into him -

  June You've never told me anything about this.

  Julian Well of course not — you'd think I was lunar module, lost in space.

  June Yes I would.

  Julian There you are.

  June (checking her watch) I really am trying to get my head round this.

  Noel enters dining room, drinking.

  Julian Okay. August weekend three years ago. I got sick suddenly and we had to cancel.

  June The mystery virus.

  Julian I had been assured he was going to be in his new villa in the Algarve that weekend, but then the night before we travelled, I got a call from one of my contacts on the ground June Contacts on the ground?

  Noel sits between Julian and June.

  Julian - to say that he'd been spotted drinking in the Shelbourne. The family was gone, but he was still around.

  June Julian -

  Julian I know I know -

  June Contacts on the ground? You're not suddenly going to reveal that you work for MI5 are you?

  Julian No. Why would I do that?

  June Then what was all that about?

  Noel Looks, if I see him giving me any of those looks.

  Julian I just couldn't face it. I couldn't take the chance on bumping into him.

  June But why?

  Noel Looking down on me.

  Julian I keep telling you I'm . . . nervous I suppose.

  June Yes?

  Julian More than that obviously. Tense. Yes, tense and nervous. But that doesn't quite . . . capture it either . . .

  Noel So what? Am I supposed to be afraid like?

  June Are you afraid?

  Noel Afraid I'll get my walking papers?

  Julian I mean the word is not entirely inaccurate - I know it seems like a such a silly word, but you know. In a certain way . . .

  Noel No empire any more.

  June Darling, darling honestly I understand, okay, really, really. But aren't you just - what? - disgusted by him perhaps or bored by his incessant -