Julian I suppose.
June He wants to make amends.
May I don't know.
Julian Does he really?
June Jules relax, we're pushing an open door.
May If you'd only let people see that lovely, funny, generous side of you.
June Now's the time. Focus.
May Go back in there and behave yourself . . .
June It's you he feels guilty about. I'll get the coffee and pudding ready
May And by the time I come in with the dessert
June You sweet-talk him.
May You create a lovely relaxed ambience.
June (checks watch) I'll give you about five minutes.
May Now can you please do that?
Julian/ Noel Okay, I'll try Noel and Julian return to the dining room simultaneously.
Noel So . . .
Julian So . . .
Noel May is just organising the bit of apple tart.
Julian Sure, sure . . .
Noel I'm looking forward to that now - a lovely home made dessert and coffee and a nice relaxing chat. Where is ahm . . . ?
Noel looks around
Julian June?
Noel Yes, of course, sorry. June.
Julian The loo . . . (Switch).
April must be . . . ?
Noel Still looking around. Women and houses, ha - well flats.
Julian Right, yeah. Ha, ha, ha . . .
Noel Ha . . . ha . . . ha . . .
Julian Hey, it's . . . it's great having you over, after so long.
Noel I'm glad I came. Time changes everything you know.
Julian Indeed, yes.
Noel Now, I still have to talk to you about the worst part of all.
Julian No really -
Noel My nadir.
Julian Actually I'd prefer to talk to you about something else.
April returns.
April It's so fabulous.
Julian Thank you. Although we can't take much credit for anything.
Noel You really like it honey?
April I love it. It's roomy, it's tasteful.
Noel Good. Sorry Julian, you were saying.
Julian Oh. Well, it's a business sort of a thing . . .
Noel Don't worry. April and I have no secrets. We couldn't build our relationship any other way. Say whatever you like.
Julian Okay. It's about — well it's . . . it's a situation that's developed. Noel, we have some cash hidden away but technically we're bankrupt. In the long run, if those wankers in revenue have anything to do with it, it's probably prison.
Noel And you'd like my help in some way (Switch)
It's a big favour I know. I'm straight up about that. All I can say is, I'd do it for you.
Julian Really?
Noel Yes, yes, if it came to it. Jesus yes, never let it be said if a friend was in trouble
Julian But we're not friends, we've only just met. I'm one of those English bastards, aren't I
Noel Ah don't be like that. Anyway I'll pay up. I'm as good as my word. It's just time I need.
Julian See we don't do bridging finance as such. It's not really our thing. (Switch.)
If we set up what seemed to be an Irish-owned business, her Majesty's tax inspectors couldn't get at it.
Noel But it can't be an Irish business unless - ah.
Julian Unless the registered owner is an Irish citizen. All the better if it's a highly regarded Irish businessman. Of course June and I will be the beneficial owners. We are asking you for a very big favour, I know. (Switch)
An enormous favour actually. I mean it makes no sense, what's in it for June and I? Risk, hassle.
Noel Listen to me. I don't have a hundred thousand to give this fucker now, do you get it? That's the way it is. So if I don't pay him, I don't get the planning permission. Nothing comes your way, you don't get your cut. We all lose out. But the other way -
Julian It's one little backhander among many. We'll survive.
Noel (losing it again) Why are you being such a - sorry, sorry. (Breathing heavy) You want me to beg, is that it?
Julian Oh please.
Please. It would save our skins.
April I'm sorry, Julian. I have to speak up here.
Julian What?
April I think what you're asking Noel to do is illegal?
Noel I'm afraid so.
Julian Of course it's illegal. That's why it's such a big favour.
April Noel.
Noel I know honey. (Turns to Julian.) Then it's out of the question. I can't do anything illegal.
April It's the kind of thing that could destroy his recovery.
Julian Ah, now, now, now, now - wait now. Hold on now. Okay, right, yes, yes I see your point - I understand your reasons. Your recovery, okay. Very important clearly.
Noel More than that.
Julian But surely, surely . . . listen to this now, surely that . . . issue only applies if there is personal gain involved. But in fact you would be doing this for a good motive - to help someone else out.
Noel (kindly smile) No. It doesn't work that way (Switch)
What then? What do I have to do? How embarrassing does it have to be? What'll make you happy?
Julian It's nothing personal, why are you making it personal? We don't give loans.
Noel 'We don't give loans.' Well, give one this time you . . .
Julian Calm down. Think about this in a business-like way -
Noel The planning permission comes through, I'm on the pig's back, I'll pay you back double if you like. Is that business-like enough?
Julian I don't doubt it. Please understand where I'm coming from.
Noel Please understand where I'm coming from. I'd love to help you out: You know how guilty I feel about the way I treated you. In fact - April?
April Yeah.
Noel I think you like it, do you?
April What? Oh. Yes. It's gorgeous.
Noel Okay. Julian, I think we can help in one way.
Julian Go on.
Noel I came here to make amends for past wrongs. Partly. But we also came so that April and I could have a look at this apartment. You see, I own this building.
Julian (deep shock) What!
Noel Never been inside it until tonight. Acquired it a couple of years ago as an investment property. Very good investment too. Very good yield.
Julian is stunned.
Julian Ooooh! (Switch)
I wish you well with all your investments but as I say -
Noel Give us a break here. You won't regret it.
Julian Please. This is too embarrassing. (Switch)
Utterly humiliating. June!
Noel Don't feel that way.
Julian We invited you to dinner, and you came to view the property?
Noel April and I had been talking about a place in London for a while, and so when June called and I saw the address, I thought, this is a sign.
Julian Just go please. Get out of our apartment. June!
(Switch)
Time for us to be off. Darling!
Noel (breathing heavily) Hagh - ah - hagh - ah. No hold on. May is organising coffee and cake.
Julian Sorry Noel. We've said everything and it's very late. June!
Noel (still in discomfort) Baked it herself. She'll ah she'll be very disappointed.
Julian It's been a long night. Where are our coats?
Noel You're not leaving here until I say so. (Switch)
We like this apartment. The location is perfect.
April And now that I've had a good look around, I love the space, love the layout, love the fittings.
Julian June!
June Coming.
Noel So if you move out immediately, rather than wait for your lease to run out, we'll compensate you financially. Say . . . 300,000 Euro. No strings. And you could tell us how to pay you so it would be . . . most beneficial to you right now. That'd be all right, wouldn't it April?
April That'd be fine.
That's not crossing the line.
Julian Jesus Christ this is a nightmare. (Switch)
You really won't take no for an answer will you?
Noel (heartburn) It'll cost you nothing, nothing. A few weeks credit, and it's my life, my whole fucking life, that's what we're talking about here, you smug English bollocks. Oh, aah! . . .
Noel clutches his stomach, as May comes from her kitchen.
May Ah now Noel -
Noel Eugh!
Noel lurches forward and throws up all over Julian who turns away in disgust.
Julian You fucking Irish lout —
Julian thumps Noel who keels over,
as June comes from hers bearing the Castro bombe ice cream dessert, and coffeepot.
May Ah Noel no!
June Ta raaa! Pudding!
Julian turns into the Castro bombe and coffee which smashes all over his chest.
June Oh!
Noel has collapsed behind a sofa. May goes to him.
May Oh, this is the end it really is.
June Darling I'm so sorry.
Julian stands there, his whole front covered with a combination of vomit and ice-cream dessert. May and June go to wipe him.
Julian Stop. Let me alone!
May /June Sorry.
Julian picks up a napkin and makes very obviously unsuccessful efforts to clean himself. Silence.
Julian Believe it or not, June. This is not the worst of it.
(Switch.) Turns to May.
You. Tell your blaggard husband that he can find someone else to pay his backhanders for him.
(Switch) Julian turns to Noel.
You (he is lostfor words)... he owns our apartment.
June What are you talking about?
Julian He wants to chuck us out.
Noel For 300,000 euro. (Switch.)
Julian £100,000 he wants from us so he can slip it to politicians in return for favours.
May (utterly shocked) This is terrible. This is desperate. (Switch)
June This is appalling. You're a scumbag.
April I sense a bit of an atmosphere. I think we should go Noel.
Noel You're right, honey. (To June.) It'll give you a bit of time to consider our suggestion.
They go to collect their coats.
June We don't need to make our minds up, do we Julian? (Switch)
Jules, let's give him the money.
Julian What? I'd let him die first.
June Give him his little loan.
Julian Have you lost your mind?
June You've assaulted him, Jules. Look, don't you see? If we do this, it makes us better than they are. We take the moral high ground. He'll hate that. (Switch)
Fucking Irish fucking lowlife. (Switch)
Julian I like the sound of that. (To May) When your husband sobers up, tell him this . . . (Switch)
We know what you used to get up to. We have evidence. We could expose you.
April We all have pasts we're ashamed of in some way.
Noel The thing is to be sorry, make amends. (Switch)
Julian He can pay us back our money into these five bank accounts. (He offers her the scrap of paper) Twenty thousand in each. We don't ever have to deal with each other again.
May A hundred thousand pounds? You should be ashamed of yourself.
Julian Sorry? What about your husband? (Switch)
(To Noel.) Aren't you ashamed at all?
Noel Our tribunals are over Julian. They've reported.
April Noel was vindicated.
Noel Well, in fairness, honey, I think I got a bit of a slap on the wrist.
May I'm disgusted. I'm disgusted at these things going on in my house.
Noel It's a very generous offer.
May I'm not touching that. (Switch)
Noel You should think about it. (Switch)
May Dirt money. (Switch.)
Noel 300,000 euro. The offer stands.
Julian You were in the gutter. We did you a favour. Think where you'd be if we hadn't done that for you.
June Julian, let it go.
Julian You were a dead man.
Noel Possibly . . . (Switch)
May Noel, Noel, get up, will you please!
April But . . . this is now.
And they exit.
Julian What do we do? . . . June?
June Treat them with the contempt they deserve. Make them feel small and vulgar and unimportant. And . . . eventually, accept their offer.
May I'd have expected more from you, a lovely English couple like you. I thought you were respectable.
Julian and June put on their coats.
June Goodnight, May. I'm . . . sorry.
And they exit. May surveys the scene. Looks down at Noel. She pulls him up on to the sofa.
May Oh, Noel. I'm so ashamed of you. So ashamed. All the effort I made and for what? What a mess.
Blackout.
Curtain.
That Was Then Page 7