I mean it was hardly our fault that various Eastern European banks went to the wall, taking our funds with them. A lot of funds.
Noel Ah yes.
June When the Russian mafia moved into Vilnius, they raked our office with machine-gun-fire to encourage us to accept their 'protection.'
Julian Frightening as fuck I tell you.
June But the real turning point was when our greediest New Labour client finds out that one of the Sundays is snooping around his financial affairs. He panics, runs to confess his sleazy sins to Emperor Blair, who of course arranges for him to resign quietly, and then puts the revenue dogs on our tail. Anything else?
Julian May as well put figures on it. They're looking for nearly a million.
Noel Euro?
Julian Hm? Oh no, no, no, sterling.
Noel A million sterling. In tax?
June Yes. Her Majesty's loyal servants are very insistent.
Julian The Queen is demanding her tribute. And we ain't got it to give.
Noel Well, I'm very sorry to hear you're having problems.
Silence. Julian andJune look at each other.
May (head through the door) Nearly there. Five seconds.
April (head through the door) Love the worktops - real granite yeah?
June Mhm April Love them, love the lighting, love the tiles? Love the hob. (Exits.)
June Look, Noel. You're a man of the world. I'm sure you knew we invited you up here because we want something.
Noel I didn't actually. To be honest, I wasn't thinking of anything like that.
Julian Really?
Noel You see the truth is, I've always felt guilty about the way I behaved towards you that night in Dublin. So when you called after all this time, I was shocked that you were even willing to talk to me. But of course I know English people, you don't bear grudges. Anyway it seemed to be a perfect oppurtunity for me to move on to step nine.
Julian Step nine? What are you talking about? (Switch)
The microwave goes ping! May dives to open it.
Julian Babbling like a lunatic. You need to get yourself looked at mate, that's my advice.
Noel Oh you think so - you think so - mate.
Julian Yes, bit of a complex going on there. A lot of bad head stuff you need to let go of.
May appears reluctantly, steaming dish in hand.
May Now, Ballymaloo Coq. Loads of it.
As May goes to the table, Julian andJune go for the front door.
June Sorry May. We're going.
Noel Just you listen to me for a minute. Just you give me a hearing . . . Were you ever on the Greek Islands?
Julian What?
Noel The Greek islands?
Julian (sighs impatiently) Oh, Christ.
June Let him have his fun. Yes, once.
Noel Have a good time?
June We had a lovely time.
Noel Nice and relaxing, easy-going? They're very friendly the Greeks.
June Yes, very much so.
Noel Nicest people. How's the grub May?
May Well it's fine but -
Noel Grand. They'll be eating in a minute. Last time I was there was the summer of 1986. San Torini.
May Oh, it was gorgeous.
Noel The local taverna had set up a TV, especially to watch the World Cup matches. And it was great because there was Irish, Greeks, Swedes and Danes, Germans of course, Scots. Only the one English Couple, a bit boring but grand -
May They were lovely I remember. Caroline was her name
Noel Here's the thing I want to tell you. The night England were playing Argentina, a huge crowd turned up. It was jammed, there must have been people from a dozen countries there, fantastic atmosphere. But I'll tell you, do you know the really interesting thing?
Julian Let me take a wild guess. They were all cheering for Argentina, yah?
Noel Yes, but more than
Julian And when Maradona got his Hand of God goal, everyone was so delighted. It was even better that he had cheated, more fun, 'cause that really stuck it to the English, just what they deserved. Am I close at all? Is that the big story you have for me? All those people from all those countries with just one thing in common. They hate the English . . .
Noel That's right.
Julian night.
Well there you go. Heard that one before. Good Noel So it doesn't matter to you at all? You couldn't care less what people think about you?
Julian That's football. You shouldn't confuse it with real life.
Turns to go. Looks back.
Julian/Noel (together) It's much more important than that.
Both are surprised at the other. For one moment male bonding wins out over everything eke.
Julian And let me tell you something, you old Irish bigot. Not so long ago the Beeb had one of those polls to vote for the greatest goal of all time - do you know what won?
Noel No.
Julian Maradona's second goal from that game.
Noel Really? Ye voted for Maradona?
Julian Yes.
Noel After what he did. Number one?
Julian Yes.
Noel Fair play . . .
Julian Yes - we're famous for it actually.
May Of course you are.
Noel OK.
Julian Now if you don't mind.
Noel The truth is, I need a favour.
June Interesting approach.
Noel I know. I'm pissed. Sorry. (Pause) Please. Sit down. Eat. I need this favour.
May I'm really sorry over the delay. He wouldn't have drank half as much if you weren't hanging around for so long, waiting for me to get dinner on the table, would you love. He'll be fine now with the bit of food in him. Go on.
Julian and June look at each other.
As they move to sit, April sticks her head in. May starts to serve.
April Your colour schemes are so vibrant. Hope you don't mind me snooping around. I just love seeing how other people live. It must be the journalist in me.
May To be honest, he just got a bit over-excited, and that always makes him drink faster. We don't entertain that often and then suddenly to have two people over from England, especially friends of the Minister, well it's a bit of a whirl really. Is it all right?
June It's lovely.
Julian Gorgeous.
May Not too much cream?
Julian Not at all.
June Certainly not.
May It's just that it seemed like an awful lot in the recipe - she's a divil for the cream Darina - double cream too, you know.
June I think it's quite delicious.
May (chuffed) Well now, I'll have a little taste myself. Eat up, Noel. Mmmm it's not bad is it. It's all right?
Julian It's perfect, May.
Noel It'll fill a gap.
He goes to pick up his wineglass. May puts a hand gently on his, stay him. Noel looks as though he's about to hit her but he controls himself. (Switch.)
You see there is no point in simply giving up alcohol. You must examine every aspect of your life, and come to a clear and ruthless understanding of what brought you to this place. You must learn to know yourself all over again.
Julian Sounds bloody brave.
Noel It is a road you must travel carefully, step by step. Always asking, 'why?' and 'who?' 'Why did I do the things I did, and who along the way have I offended?' (Switch)
Don't worry May no more trouble.
May I know. Now, what's it you work at Julian?
Julian Well - actually June and I run a company together.
May No! Isn't that great?
Julian June is an accountant by profession, so she's the financial expert.
May Lovely.
Julian And I'm an ex-journalist, so I have useful contacts I suppose, that I picked up along the way.
May That sounds like a great combination. I'm always on at Noel to let me put in a few hours a week in his place, but sure I'm talking to the wall. Look at them now Noel, busine
ss partners.
June Julian is being very modest. He was more than just a journalist. He was a very highly-placed foreign correspondent. In fact we met in Berlin in '89.
May (impressed) When the wall was coming down? Now isn't that something to look back on? (Switch)
Noel I must revisit my shame and I must make amends.
Julian Good God, how long does that take?
Noel That depends on how determined I am.
June Well as far as we're concerned, there is nothing to apologise for."
Noel Oh no. On the contrary.
Julian Nothing for you to worry about.
Noel Thank you, but I cannot let myself off the hook as easy as that.
April looks in again.
April The bedroom curtains - the linen - exquisite.
May So romantic. To be young in Berlin in 1989.
June Actually it was.
Julian Rather went sour very soon after.
June Not us - the political scene.
Julian A lot of people making a lot of quick money. Nothing I wrote was going to change that.
May Oh sure, I know you can't believe what you read in the papers.
June So we became the naked materialists.
May Sorry?
Julian June says I'm the Jamie Oliver of international finance.
June Do you know Jamie Oliver? Julian has something of that laddish bonhomie, shameless self-promotion, fantastic niche marketing.
Julian And some talent perhaps.
June Of course. I'm the financial brain though. Dull but dogged.
Julian Actually that is true. I'm merely the front man.
Noel Enough shite talk. Sorry, but you know, I don't know what you're on about. Anyway. The Minister told me to get in touch. He said you were the ones to look after everything.
June You owe him some money I presume?
Noel Do you presume? (Catches himself) Sorry, ah yes. Yes.
May Who - who do you owe money to?
Noel May please. Clear up these will you.
May I know you - you're just trying to get rid of me. Honestly Come on June, we'll have our own chat in the kitchen..
May gathers up plates and brings them to the kitchen. June on the one hand is appalled at the idea of being in the kitchen washing dishes when there is business being done. On the other she really doesn't to offend May. She shrugs and stands up. Julian amused, holds a plate for her to bring. June snatches it off him.
June Agree nothing without me.
Noel Ho Ho Ho! (Switch)
Noel (sighs heavily) You see it has to be treated seriously. It's no use trying to wriggle out of things or pretending that you can't remember certain shameful incidents.
Julian Right, yeah . . . but really there's no Noel So . . . here I am.
Julian I see. So . . . how long have you been . . . ah, dry, I suppose.
Noel I have not had a drink for 1,326 days.
Julian Impressive. (Switch.)
Noel lifts glass and downs his wine in one go. Pours again.
Julian Very impressive. A bit frightening.
Noel No, I'm fine now. I'll behave myself.
May Your Julian is lovely.
June Thanks.
Julian So you owe our friend some money.
Noel Yes.
Julian How much?
Noel A hundred thousand pounds.
Julian Mmm, he did you big favours. Still, simple enough to handle.
May You seem like a real romantic couple.
June Well . . .
Julian You see we provide a service mainly used by a certain kind of politician. The pragmatic kind, I suppose you'd say.
May Noel and I used to be very romantic. 'Course that was then.
Julian Nowadays politicians aren't so keen on having bundles of dirty fivers slipped to them in a pub. They prefer something more sophisticated. So we accept the money on their behalf, filter it through our system, and then provide our clients with a decent legal and acceptable payment on a regular basis. They can even declare it as an interest. Pay tax on it if they really want. Call it consultancy.
Julian writes something on apiece of paper.
May Now it's just work and money.
June And the odd drink?
May I know. Do you think he has a problem?
June I'd . . . keep an eye on it.
Julian Okay. Here's what'll happen. I give you the names and numbers of five bank accounts in different banks in different Eastern European cities. Like so . . .
May I mean we haven't had a holiday together in years, I'd love us to take off somewhere exciting. We can well afford it.
Julian You will deposit £20,000 in each bank on different days over the space of a fortnight or so.
May Like, we met in Majorca. You met in Berlin. That's much classier.
Julian Technically, you are paying consultancy fees for property advice in these very turbulent but potentially lucrative markets.
May All those places in Eastern Europe.
Julian Such as Bucharest -
May Budapest -
Julian Sofia —
May Prague —
Julian Tbilisi -
May Moscow -
Julian Etc . . .
May You know what I mean?
June The reality is a bit seedier though . . .
Julian The money is funneled back to the relevent politician . . .
June . . . Ugly . . .
Julian . . . less interest and commission of course.
June . . . sad
May I suppose . . . still. . .
Noel Sounds very well organised.
Julian Everyone's happy so far.
Noel But it's a bit more complicated in my case.
Noel fills his glass and drinks.
June Do you mind if I go back in. I want to hear what
May Of course, go on. I'll finish these in no time.
June returning.
Julian Luckily I don't need to know any details. In fact I prefer not to.
Noel It's all to do with this shopping-centre development. Of course there's the usual crowd of protestors -
Julian I don't want to know. We'll keep this simple.
Noel Will you just listen to me?
Julian Try and understand, you don't need to —
Noel For Christ's sake! Do you English ever listen? - I mean . . .
June Julian, let him talk.
Noel Thank you. To make sure next week's vote on the planning permission goes my way, I made a few contributions to local councillors, mostly small stuff, a couple of thousand here and there. Your friend and mine got the biggest lump of that, 30,000 nicker in cash. Anyway fine, that's the way it goes. Money well spent as far as I'm concerned . . . At the last minute - the vote is next Tuesday by the way - he comes looking for another £100,000. I tell him fuck off of course. But he means it. He's not just chancing his arm. I tell him I don't have it, which is the truth. I've borrowed every which way to set this up. I haven't a bean to give him. 'Nothing to do with me pal', he says . . . I know what's happened. Someone else has come in. Barney Doyle or some bollocks is trying to gazump me.
Offering him more money. 'I'll owe it to you,' I said, 'sure you know once I get the planning permission I'll be good for it'. 'Don't I know it,' says he, 'no way Jose, once you get the planning permission you're off and running, you're no good to me then'. 'I don't fuckin' have it,' I said, 'are you listening to me at all, you can check it out. There's nowhere I can raise a £100,000 at this stage' . . . 'Maybe I can help you out there,' he says to me . . .
Julian I see. And suggested you talk to us.
June So what's the proposal exactly?
Noel You . . . let him know the money is there for him.
June Do you mean, we give you a loan?
Noel Well sort of, but sure I'll never even see it. He'll get the planning permission put through. Once I have that, I can raise more funds, and I pay you back as soon as I'm good for
it, with interest.
Julian Are you serious?
Noel Of course. Step nine is a really crucial part of the programme, because you see, if I can't face up to the bad things I did in the past, if I can't bring myself to go to the person or persons that I offended and say, 'here is what I did wrong, and I am sorry.' If I can't do that, how can I believe I have any serious intention of changing my life? And when I remember how I treated you all those years ago, the anger inside me - (Switch)
You're going to say no aren't you? You are, aren't you!
- the appalling language I used towards both of you - (Switch)
You fuckpigbastard -
The unwarranted prejudice I expressed - (Switch)
Fuckin English. I should have known, why did I lower myself to ask a fucking Englishman for anything. You wouldn't give the steam off your piss to an Irishman, would you?
May runs in.
May Ah not again. Noel get in here, please.
Noel And then the final indignity I caused you to suffer. Don't worry, I'm not avoiding the worst part Julian You don't have to mention that.
Noel I can hardly bring myself to say it out loud
May Noel, shut up now.
Noel But I have to. It's part of step nine.
May Get in here immediately.
Noel I have to admit to everything and take full responsibility.
Julian (yery agitated) It's fine. Just let it go!
June Sorry Noel. Give us a moment okay. Can you excuse us?
May Noel!
Noel Of course take your time. (Switch.)
I'm coming all right. (Switch.)
Noel follows May into their kitchen, while Julian and June go into theirs.
As soon as Noel walks into the kitchen, May shoves a mug of black coffee into his hand. He drinks, sullen, morose, silent.
June This is fantastic?
Julian What?
May I'm at the end of my tether. I really am -
June (taking out bombe) You heard him. He wants to make amends. We have him right there.
May What's the point of inviting people over for a pleasant night's chat
Julian I'm not so sure.
May And then just turn into a mad person?
Julian I'm getting panicky again.
June Why? He's a completely different person.
May Always showing people your bad side.
Julian But not in a good way. He's - he's weird - and her, that April - what's that about?
June Who cares. He realises how badly he behaved the last time.
May Is it you can't help yourself?
That Was Then Page 6