Gordon looked at the young man hanging in front of him. Hes one of the reasons I dont like spaceflight, he thought. So at ease in zero G, and so superior about it. Look at his uniform. Plain gray silk without an insignia on it. How does anyone tell whos an officer out here?
His own uniform, the uniform of a very junior diplomat, was a thousand times nicer. Rainbow bodysuit, lavender cloak and spats, yellow gloves and boots. He might be short and dark and even a trifle plump from an endless round of practice state dinners, but compared to the other young man, who was long and pale from years of no-gravity spaceflight, he looked like a million credits.
Say what you want about the Corps Diplomatique, he thought, we know how to dress. Even if the magnetics he needed to keep from floating away in zero gravity did ruin the drape of his cloak.
“You are quite correct, Computer, the young diplomat said aloud, bowing slightly to the ships officer. “Can you tell me how this object got here?
The object, somehow thoroughly anchored to the deck, was an oval, thicker in the middle than at the ends, its surface divided into segments by snaky lines. To Gordon, it looked like the shell of an earth tortoise with the leg and head holes filled in.
“I can, the voice drawled. “It was rolled out the hatchway leading to the diplomats quarters. Ill show you.
The air in front of the two humans congealed into a replica of the hallway. The hatch opened, and the object rolled out on its side, wavered and fell, ever so slowly, to the deck, where it remained.
“Attila the Hun! Gordon said. “If it came out of the diplomats quarters, its my problem. Computer, can you tell us who moved it here?
“No can do. Before any of the alien species came aboard the captain ordered me not to snoop in their quarters. Something about diplomatic immunity.
More likely worried about the Xtees bringing bug detectors and catching him red-handed, the young diplomat thought. Gordon looked at the object on the deck. “Computer, we didnt take on any aliens that look like this, did we?
It was Fourth Officer Carter who answered.
“We took on thirteen species, all oxygen breathers, none of which looked like that. He closed his eyes for a moment. “But one that could. Its a Husker.
Gordon snorted. “Thats no Husker, starspawn, “he said, flipping his cape so that the synthmaterial rippled. “Theyre eight feet tall, and they have all those arms, or fronds, or whatever they are.
“Which one of us was it that smoked spatial geometries, mudfoot? the ships officer asked. “Oh, thats right. It was me. Thats a Husker.
The Huskers were a recent contact. They were from a system in Clarkes Cloud, a raft of stars in toward the center of the universe. Or so they said. They called their home star “the sun and their home planet “Earth, just like every other sentient species, which drove the translation program crazy. It also made it hard to locate their home planet. They were officially designated Unknown Origin 37s. But they looked like nothing so much as walkingsort oftalkingafter a fashionstalks of corn. So it didnt take fifteen minutes after first contact for some wag to hang the nickname on them.
The young diplomat opened his mouth to argue, but the computer interrupted. “Fourth Officer Carter is right. Look.
A full-grown Husker appeared in the air in front of Gordons nose, then folded itself slowly this way and that until what was left was an object like the one on the deck.
“Vlad the Impaler! Gordon said. “How am I going to explain this to Second Assistant Undersecretary Tulk?
“Whos that? Carter asked.
“My boss in the Corps Diplomatique, Gordon said.
“Arent you going to have to explain it to the chief Husker first?
Gordons answer was cut off by a throat-clearing noise.
“Actually, fellas, the computer said, “theres a more pressing problem.
“Whats that? the young diplomat snapped. “And why in the name of Jeffrey Dahmer do you talk like that?
The computers drawl sounded aggrieved. “Theres no need to keep using foul language, it said. “This is the authentic dialect of pilots from time immemorial, and is thought to have started with the mid-twentieth-century test pilot this ship is named for.
There were several loud sniffs, followed by silence.
“Whatever you do, dont irritate the computer, the ships officer said. “The HAL 2750s are touchy as a hair trigger, and if it gets a case of the sulks, we wont be able to get anything out of it for hours.
“Ted Bundy! Gordon said. “You mean Ive got to apologize to a machine?
Carter nodded.
The young diplomat thought about refusing, but he was in a tight spot and needed all the help he could get. So he sucked in a deep breath, and said, “Im sorry, Computer. I didnt mean to offend.
“Thanks for that handsome apology, Probationary Intern Gordon, the computer said. “Im pleased as punch you gave it, because Ive got something important to tell you. The internal temperature of the object near you that we believe to be an Unknown Origin 37 has been rising steadily.
The two men looked at one another.
“Uh, computer, Carter said. “What is the significance of this information?
“Why, Fourth Officer Carter, Im surprised at you, the computer said. “Given your physics studies, you should know what happens when heat builds up in a self-contained vessel.
“Jack the Ripper, Carter said, “the things going to explode.
“Explode? Gordon said. “It isnt bad enough one of my diplomats is dead, its got to explode, too? How do you think thats going to look on my record?
“Computer, the ships officer said, “can you tell me what the force of this explosion will be?
The computer displayed some numbers in front of Carter, who gave a low whistle.
“Weve got to get that thing out of here before it goes off, he said, “which will be when, Computer?
“Thirty-three minutes, the computer said.
The young diplomat turned, grabbed the edge of the Unknown Origin 37, and heaved. Nothing happened.
He looked at Carter, who wasnt exactly rushing to help.
“Its stuck to the deck, he said. “Cant you give me a hand?
“Not a lot of muscle to lend, the ships officer said. “Havent been spending much time at gravity recently. But Ive got something better. Computer, have engineering send us a couple of hands and their decking tools. Tell them its an emergency.
In a matter of minutes, two young men who didnt look very different from Carter turned up. Unlike him, however, they were wearing powered exoskeletons.
“Subengineers Seamus Harper and James Scott, one of them said. “Whats the trouble?
“This object, the ships officer said, “is going to explode in about half an hour.
“Twenty-eight minutes, the computer said.
“Okay, twenty-eight minutes, Carter said. “The explosion is likely to be powerful enough to be inconvenient.
“You want us to disarm it? one of the engineers asked.
“Cant, Carter said. “Its organic. Biological. For some reason its building up heat. Enough heat and ka-blooie.
“Roger that, the other engineer said. “Well just pull up the deck plate its hooked to and carry it... well, what do you want us to do with it?
“Space it, and fast, Carter said.
“Hold on, the young diplomat said. His normally dark complexion had turned almost as white as those of the ships crew. “You cant just space a diplomat from another species. There will be letters of protest. Speeches in the all-creatures assembly. There might even be an exchange of notes!
“And just what do you think will happen, the ships officer asked amiably, “if this thing explodes and damages some more of the Xtees?
Gordon thought about that. Finally, he said, “Go ahead and get rid of it.
The two subengineers slapped screwdriver tips onto the end of their power arms and began unbolting the deck section. As they worked, Gordon took out his hushphone and spoke into it for a few m
inutes.
“Shouldnt you go confer, or whatever it is you do, with the Husker delegation? Carter asked, after the young diplomat ended his communication.
“I thought about that, Gordon said. “But I dont want to be haggling with a diplomat many grades my senior over this. Enough time would pass for a hundred of these things to go off before I got anywhere.
Carter gave him a considering look. “Well, at least youre not completely stupid, the ships officer said. “My old granny always told me it was better to ask for forgiveness than permission.
“Besides, Gordon said, “I just sent a laser burst to the office on Ricketts. Maybe Ill hear from Tulk before I have to meet with the Unknown Origin 37s.
Carter laughed.
“Not likely, he said. “Bureaucrats are the same everywhere. Nobody on Ricketts is going to want to touch this mess for fear theyll get some on them.
The two men watched the engineers take up bolts. When they had finished, they fitted their power arms with grapples, pulled up the section of deck containing what was perhaps a dead Husker, and prepared to carry it off.
“Couldnt we just stick that in a stasis tube until we figure out something better? the young diplomat asked.
The two engineers looked at one another.
“Not enough time to modify one, even if we knew how, one of them said.
“But if youre worried about spacing this, the other said, “well, if we could get it open and vent the heat, we wouldnt have to.
They looked at one another again.
“Electrical charge, one said.
“Low voltage should do it, said the other.
The ships officer cleared his throat.
“I said space it, he said.
“Yes, but then you would, wouldnt you, said one of them. “Youre not an engineer.
The two of them moved off, balancing the deck plate between them.
“Computer, Carter said, “maybe it would be a good idea if you kept an eye on those two. Say, an on-command display?
“Right you are, Fourth Officer Carter, the computer said.
Carter looked at Gordon, and said, “Youre the diplomat. Now what?
Gordon gave a theatrical sigh. There wasnt any help for it but to start taking his medicine. He could see the end of the career hed just started staring him right in the eye.
“Now, I guess Ill have to go talk to the Unknown Origin 37 delegation and see if I can find out what happened, he said. “Were just assuming that this is a dead member of the delegation, after all. Would you like to come along?
“Love to, the ships officer said. “Just let me get a power suit. And, Computer, why dont you join us? Ill explain it to the captain.
Carter was back in a few minutes wearing an exoskeleton, and the two of them proceeded to the hatchway.
“I dont know what your experience with other species is, the young diplomat said, “but we have some in this group that are a bit exotic by human standards.
“Ill keep that in mind, Carter said as he undogged the hatch.
The diplomats were housed near the Chuck Yeager s center of mass, where it was easiest to maintain gravity. Each had quarters suitable to its environmental needs, but most came from planets with atmospheres and gravities not far off Earth normal. When humans first mastered interstellar travel, they were surprised by two things: the diversity of the sentient life-forms they encountered and the similarities in the planets that supported them. There were a number of theories about why this was, the dominant one being that the universe has a wicked sense of humor.
The Chuck Yeager wasnt a cruise ship, so the individual quarters were small. But there was one fairly large common area, and when the two humans stepped through the second hatchway door, thats where they found themselves. It was empty.
“Who cut the cheese? Carter asked.
“Excuse me? Gordon asked.
“Its a piece of old Earth slang, Carter said. “Old Earth studies are a hobby of mine. I was referring to the smell.
The young diplomat tapped his nose. “Im wearing filters. But I think one of these creatures is a flier that uses methane emissions to help keep itself aloft.
The ships officer rubbed his upper lip vigorously.
“Methane emissions, he said. “You mean the thing...
His sentence was cut short by the arrival of an Xtee. It shot out of the entrance to a hallway at about five feet off the deck, banked sharply, and headed for the two humans. It had a vaguely human face, a long, sharp beak, and four stubby appendages on each side of its body, all of which were flapping furiously. It looked like a cross between a Leprechaun and a penguin.
As it sank toward the deck, the creature emitted a loud noise from its rear. It immediately regained height and speed.
“Ah, Saddam Hussein, Carter said, “its a Gaspasser.
The creature shot toward the two humans. Gordon couldnt tell if it was under control, but decided to take no chances. He hit the deck. The Gaspasser flew over, headed directly for the ships officer.
“Screw diplomacy, Carter said, and walloped the flying creature with a power arm. The Gaspasser tumbled beak over butt, righted itself, wobbled on, hit the far wall, and fell to the deck, where it lay with its stubby appendages still flapping feebly.
“Adolf Hitler, Carter, Gordon said. “What if youve killed it? Dont you think one dead Xtee diplomat on my record is enough?
“Dont worry about it, the ships officer said, “Ive run into things like this before. They usually arent that easy to hurt.
He strode over to where the Gaspasser lay, picked it up, and lofted it into the air. The beat of its wings picked up, it emitted an even louder noise from its rear, and shot off toward the hallway from which it had come.
“Whew! Carter said. “Imagine what the atmosphere on that things home planet is like. You havent got an extra pair of nose filters, do you?
The young diplomat shook his head.
“How did you encounter an Xtee on this tub? he asked.
“Oh, I get around, Carter said vaguely. “Where are the Huskers, anyway?
Gordon decided not to push it. “Theyre down here, he said.
The two humans walked through the common area and down the hallway, which ran in a circle around the ship. They passed a series of compartments, each with a hatchway. Some were open, some shut. The closed hatches had small windows in them. Carter and Gordon stopped to look into each compartment.
“Enough to make you want to dig up Charles Darwin and slap him silly, isnt it? the ships officer said.
Gordon nodded. The creatures in the compartments seemed to be living proof that there was no rhyme or reason to sentience or planetary dominance.
The first compartment contained a group of wicked-looking lizard-like creatures with long snouts that had several eyestalks at their ends.
“These are from Enid IV, the young diplomat said.
“Yeah, I know, said Carter. “Peepers.
The next compartment held what might have been a coatrack covered in spiny balls that seemed to leap away from the coatrack, then snap back. No telling, Gordon thought, if thats all one creature or a whole bunch and the coatrack is some sort of transport.
“From somewhere in the Echo systems, Gordon said.
The ships officer nodded. “Tether balls, he said.
In the next were a collection of what appeared to be dogs of various types. Their door was open. Most of them were sitting around a green-topped table, playing a card game. Several seemed to be smoking cigars.
“From Canus III, the young diplomat said.
“Mutts, said Carter.
One of the Mutts was lying on the floor, licking between its hind legs. It raised its head, and growled, “What are you looking at?
The pair moved on.
“Was he doing what I think he was doing? Carter asked.
“Thats nothing, Gordon said. “You should take part in their traditional greeting ceremony.
The next compartment contained the G
aspassers.
Next to them were what appeared to be a herd of cuddly lambs, until they smiled and showed rows of razor-edged teeth. When they lifted their feet, the humans could see they were taloned and not hooved.
“These are from somewhere down space, toward the core, the young diplomat said.
“Cute little devils, arent they? Carter said. “You can see why theyre called Lambchops.
The Huskers were in the next compartment. Their door was closed. Gordon rang the doorbell with great reluctance.
The door flew open, and a Husker stood in the doorway. It gave off a series of squeaks and squawks.
“What the hell do you want? the humans translation program asked. The translation program was wired into each of the Xtee compartments, and was supposed to be able to translate among the aliens as well as between alien and human. Gordon had his doubts.
“Not exactly the most diplomatic opening, is it? the ships officer said.
“Its probably the program, Gordon said. “We havent got all of the bugs worked out of it.
“Oh, sure, say its my fault, the program said. “Shoot the messenger.
“We were wondering if all the members of your delegation are accounted for, Gordon asked the Husker.
The Husker listened to the squeaks and clicks that came from the translation program. The middle of its body rotated away, then rotated back.
“Were all here, it said.
This wasnt the answer Gordon was expecting. He didnt know what to say next.
“Ships fourth officer John Carter, Carter said. “Im afraid well have to come in and take a census.
The Huskers midsection swiveled away, then back again.
“Under the rules of diplomacy, this is our sovereign territory, it said. “Im afraid I cant let you pass.
“Im desolated to have to tell you that the safety of the ship is involved, Carter said, “and that takes precedence over protocol.
The Husker went into its swivel routine again.
Gordon opened his mouth, but closed it without saying anything. The ships officer was a bold and smooth liar. He could have a real future in the Corps Diplomatique.
Stabenow, Dana - Powers Of Detection (Editor) Page 15