Emancipating Alice

by Ada Winder

  Drew had planned to give her the cold shoulder, and somehow combine that with a heavy guilt trip for what she’d done to Jack once more. He had planned to make her see the error of her ways, to show her he would be just fine without her and would prefer she left his house as soon as possible.

  Drew did not plan to lose sight of his plan so quickly.

  Looking at her, seeing her in the flesh coming closer to him, caressing him, stopped his plans cold.

  He knew it may not have been the greatest idea, that he might regret it later and that this could make things harder for him in the long run, but at that moment, he wanted her too. There was no way he could say no to her.

  He knew he had nothing to lose, no regrets that could come of it besides most likely getting more attached to her, falling for her all over again, deeper. But he also knew that if he were to die tomorrow, his last thoughts—after his son of course—would be: why didn’t I fuck Lacey that one last time? If he only had today, this last day with her, then so be it.

  When Lacey guided him toward the kitchen table and unbuckled his pants, he barely heard the small thud of the green stone in his pocket hitting the ground.

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  Tuesday, July 4th 2006

  Orlando, Florida

  It seemed the happiest day of her daughters’ lives. Seeing their animated heroes in person, watching them in parades, taking photos with them and all of the rides they were able to go on made Amber and Jade’s smiles ever-present. Their cheeks were rosy and they were chatty when the family went to dinner, all grins, all glittery eyes. Elaine was sure they’d forgotten all about their grandfather and the funeral and the somber days that had just passed; it was as if all the gloominess had not happened. Not even their dead grandpa could dull the shine of this Disney day, and the promise of Disney days to come.

  Although they had been to Disney World before, they never had as much fun as this. The girls were now at ages where they could appreciate the experience better, appreciate each other’s company, the rides, and the event as a family event.

  Elaine smiled to herself as she fiddled with her pink necklace.

  An image came to her mind then: David, leaving her alone in the room where she had opted to stay as he took the girls out that evening for a fireworks display. It was the first and only time she had decided to let the foursome become a threesome.

  The girls did not mind, and neither did David—he understood her need to be alone for just a little while. He winked at her as the door closed behind him, one little girl on his left, one on his back, piggybacking.

  She had smiled at him as they left, and as the door closed, she thought about how silly she felt for what she had wished before as she thought about her illegitimate brother. David was a committed father, a devoted husband, and nothing was wrong with that at all. Dedication was good. Devotion was good. Family was good. Life was good.

  Still, she could not shake the feeling that something was very wrong.

  She went to her bag and pulled out a notebook, a part of the saga her mother apparently wanted her to know about. Elaine thought it was strange when her mother gave her the box of journals, and even stranger that she told her not to open it until after the fourth of July holiday. Of course she didn’t listen and flipped through the first couple, not really catching anything particularly interesting. Then she picked up one that looked sunny and joyful, yellow on the outside with pink flowers that looked like additions created by her mother or someone else—definitely not the manufacturer, and brought it along with her for slower moments of the trip.

  She opened it up to a page and started reading.

  I hate him, her mother’s even cursive scrawl said. If I could get away with it, I think I would kill him.

  Elaine sat up straight.

  It’s him or me.

  Elaine put the journal down, keeping her thumb between the pages.

  ***

  I-94W

  “Turn around.”

  Ahmik knew that tone of voice, and he knew that when Miriam used that tone of voice with words like those, it was best to listen and obey. Immediately.

  Ahmik took the next exit without a word. He followed the signs to the same highway but heading in the opposite direction, back toward where they had come from.

  When they reached a steady speed, he chanced a glance at her. Her pale blue eyes were staring straight ahead, blank, as if she were no longer present in her own body.

  “What is it?” he asked, bringing her back. She turned to him but she did not speak a word in response. Her pupils were black darts in that ocean of blue.

  Finally, after a full minute of silence, she said:

  “I think you know.”

  He was amazed that he did.

  ***

  Bloomington, Illinois

  Alice pulled out journal #32, cerulean in color. It was the only journal she had not passed on to Elaine—her last.

  She grabbed a pen.

  I wish there was more time to experience it, Alice wrote. I could have had a much more fulfilling life had I lived it with someone who loved me differently. Even if my career plans didn’t pan out, to have at least been with someone who supported me and encouraged me to do what I wanted would have made things so much better.

  Sure, with every choice there is a sacrifice and I made a terrible choice, but I made an even worse one by doing nothing to fix it.

  I must be a masochist.

  She closed the journal. Then, she studied the second and final family photo taken of her, George, Elaine and Drew. The first had been taken when Elaine was five and Drew, three and a half. Elaine was smiling at the camera, baring all her baby teeth as she sat on her father’s lap while Alice stared solemnly with a somber-faced Drew in her arms. George too, was smiling. While neither she nor Drew had discontent on their faces, their non-smiling expressions did not lend to a photo of a happy family.

  In their second one, Elaine was smiling again, in her cap and gown after graduating from college, her father’s arm slung across her shoulders with an even larger grin than hers, while Alice was on the other side of Elaine, smiling a little this time. Drew was next to Alice and again, did not appear particularly moved by the event. It was as if he was a stranger who had been asked to join the photo at the last minute and had somewhere to go.

  Alice thought it ironic; judging from the photos, it appeared Elaine was a much more content, even a happy child, full of life and laughter and sweet-spiritedness while Drew appeared to be soaking in unhappiness at all times. She was amazed at how photos could be so deceiving.

  Still, she traced her finger across the faces of the photograph, reaching out to them one last time.

  Her children were gone now, back to their own lives and families. Drew had promised to visit, and she knew he would try to keep his promise. Elaine mentioned she might bring the girls around here and there too, and as awkward as the moment had been, Alice believed her. Something was different about her daughter; there was uncertainty in her eyes. Maybe she was at conflict with herself, and perhaps an unlikely side—the side that perhaps felt like reaching out to Alice—was gaining ground. Alice had smiled and given Elaine a parting gift, making her promise not to open it until the fourth of July, today: a box of Alice’s own journals. She had managed to keep them hidden from George’s prying eyes over the years, and eventually boxed them up, entrusting them in the care of her younger half-sister. She knew they would help her daughter understand, and perhaps, forgive, although she knew the latter was too much to ask.

  She looked at the will she had drawn up before the children left, signed in the presence of Elaine and her husband, as well as Miriam. She wanted to make sure Drew was taken care of when she left; the boy did not seem to be doing as well as he liked, and his wife was quite capricious to say the least—although she had returned, there was no guarantee she would stay.

  To Andrew Owens I bequeath the house on Mockingbird Avenue...

  Drew had wanted her to join
his family for the fourth of July celebrations. Alice was able to get out of it by saying he should go ahead and enjoy it with his own family—while he had them all with him. She told him she was not in the mood for celebrating and would be a downer. That she needed more time to herself to think, reflect.

  He was still a little hesitant to leave Alice alone for that particular holiday, but she could see that in a way he was glad to be with his two favorite people—his wife and son. She did not mind playing second fiddle to his wife since that is what usually happened when children got married. Besides, she knew he loved her, and if she hadn’t insisted, he would not have let up on his invitation. He eventually left her alone reluctantly.

  As for Miriam, she had made up her mind to invite her father to the reservation—she was pretty sure he would want to go. Alice imagined the conversation Miriam would have with Fred, with Fred revealing knowing about another grandson, Miriam forced to reveal George’s demise. Alice knew it was not a replacement, but it was certainly another reason for the old man to carry on; he wanted to meet this new grandson after all. And she was also sure he would get out and do something new for a change. She was content with her part in his renewed sense for life.

  She looked at the urn on the mantel. It was the final step in eradicating George from her life. She poured the ashes into the sink and turned on the water, flushing them away, watching them swirl and dance down the drain.

  Finally, for the first time in a long time, she started to feel like her old self again; like the little girl who’d insisted on picking out her own clothes, disregarding advice about stripes and polka dots not going together. The girl who pulled her hair out of her ponytail holders when she wanted to feel her hair swim around her face.

  Like the teenager who had planned to marry someday like every other girl she knew, but had the sense to know that first, she needed to go to college and get her own life together. She was the girl who figured she should be as educated as possible in order to better take care of herself and have more options available to her to make a living just in case. The young woman who had researched at the library, found scholarships, entered writing competitions, won them. Who had worked as a waitress in the evenings while in high school, and took babysitting jobs and worked as a barista some evenings while in college. The girl who did everything she could to make sure all she wanted could be paid for, did everything she could to fight for her own life, keep her own spirit alive. She was the girl who made all her own decisions and allowed others only to help inform them.

  Although having help along the way seemed like a beautiful alternative, her parents’ abandonment left her with the ability to take care of herself, follow her own instincts, form her own opinions, live her own life—and for that she was grateful. Her self-sufficiency was what she had always been most proud of.

  She had planned to go on to graduate school and continue her education until she met George. And while she’d always wondered about her looks in comparison to the everyday girl, for she was not beautiful in a traditional sense, George made her feel beautiful, valuable. For the first time in her life she felt wanted, treasured.

  Still, she had seen relationships fall apart around her so she knew she had to prepare for a life without George and that meant sticking to her plans. But he had different plans for her.

  George was the wind of a hurricane and she had to decide if she would be a solid, mighty oak which although strong and stable otherwise, could snap against the opposing force of the hurricane, or if she would be a reed which would bend with the storm and still be left standing when it passed.

  The alternative George offered to the life she had planned was somewhat attractive—a life companion sooner than expected. It was something worth ditching her other goals for, wasn’t it? After all, those other goals were just there to bide her time until she found someone to be with anyway. Right?

  She wasn’t sure what it was George had seen in her, but whatever it was, she’d been thankful for it and threw away what she had prided herself on, what she’d thought defined her.

  Now, she thought of her life as a palindrome, reading the same way front to back, back to front. Malayalam. She was constantly swept into nothingness, made insignificant, living as a nonentity.

  To Alice, it was only natural that she would reach nullity—the condition of nonexistence—brought about by her own hand.

  Alice eventually realized the ashes were gone and the water was no longer washing anything but itself down the drain.

  She grabbed the kettle from the stove to add water to it, turned off the faucet, then started preparing herself a special cup of tea, courtesy of her garden.

  Today, the country would be celebrating and enjoying life. Families would be having picnics, food was being cooked in great quantities as neighbors joined each other for festivities, firecrackers would light up the fourth of July sky.

  And Alice would be free at last.

  The kettle whistled.

  Alice made her tea, let it cool a bit, then brought the cup to her lips.

  Malayalam.

  Right before the liquid reached her mouth she stopped the cup, staring at the warm, brown liquid, watching the steam rise. It was as if George were reaching out from beyond the grave, continuing his mission.

  We’ll keep in touch, she remembered Elaine saying as she and her family left the house.

  Withdrawing isn’t always the best course of action, Heather whispered.

  I can’t think about losing you, she heard Drew say.

  You can eat your cake and have it too, echoed Miriam’s voice. Hang around.

  Alice’s eyes turned their attention to the embossed vine pattern on the cup.

  She looked at the handle.

  Then she poured the contents of her cup into the sink.

  Invictus.

  She was the master of her fate. She was the captain of her soul.

  Suddenly she heard a car pull up outside, startling her.

  Who could that be? she wondered—everyone had already left for good.

  She walked over to the curtains and peeked out.

  The car looked like Dennis’s car.

  She continued peering through the windows and sure enough, Dennis and Miriam left the car and rushed over to the front door.

  Then the telephone rang.

  Alice didn’t know whether to open the door or answer the telephone first.

  She went for the telephone.

  “Mother, what the hell is this?” Elaine’s voice was not frighteningly angry this time; in fact, it was the softest Alice had ever heard when speaking to her, although still a bit harsh.

  Alice pretended not to know what she was talking about.

  “What do you mean?”

  She hadn’t expected for Elaine to get to any of the more interesting parts of her journals so quickly but apparently she’d read something that caught her interest.

  She had hoped to be gone by the time Elaine had gotten through those parts.

  Knocking began at the door.

  “You killed him, didn’t you? I have no doubt in my mind…”

  “I’m sorry, Elaine—I have to get the door; someone’s there and they’re banging a hole in it. Hold one second.”

  She didn’t wait for a response.

  She opened the door, seeing Dennis’s fist midair about to start another barrage of knocks. Miriam stood next to him staring at her face, as if there were words on it she was translating.

  “We caught you in time,” she said after a few moments, appearing to relax.

  “I think I caught myself in time,” Alice said, as she thought about her new plan: a final trip to India.

  Sid was waiting.

  END

  *NB - The revised Second Edition will be available by May 2014. Look out for the notification email from Amazon to download the latest version free!*

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  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Ada Winder schooled in the Midwest and currently lives in southern California penning fiction.

  Emancipating Alice, was a 2013 Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award Quarterfinalist, and winner of Indie Book of the Day (June 22nd 2013).

  The second edition (new cover below) is scheduled for a May 2014 release.

  NB - Those who purchased the first edition will be able to update to the latest edition free of charge when it’s available. Look out for the update email from Amazon!

  Interview with Ada Winder

  by Christoph Fischer

  How did you come to writing in the first place?

  You’ve probably heard this a lot by now, but writing actually came to me–very easily, very young. I was working on my first novel by the time I was nine and had produced tons of short stories and poetry before then (and continued to do so).

  I think it has to do with reading early–I’d learned at the age of two and read voraciously thereafter. Plus I’ve always been terribly introverted; it’s only natural I think for me to prefer communicating through writing.

  When did you first have the idea for this book? Why this subject?

  Emancipating Alice started off as two separate short story ideas, but the way the two began playing themselves out in my mind made me realize they could actually be part of the same story.

  I was participating in my very first National Novel Writing Month and in the planning stage, tested out several ideas for viability. While outlining, this two-became-one project persevered–I think because one of its subplots came ready-made as a result of the merger!