He thought his crutch was the drugs. He hadn’t considered it was the guilt he carried. “I’ve done some bad things. Things I’m too ashamed to share with you or anyone.”
“When you are baptized, Luke, every sin will be forgiven, even the ones I do not know about, for God knows all things and forgives all things if you allow Him. There is nothing you can keep hidden from our Lord. You would be surprised by the things you have not kept hidden from me. You cannot atone for your sins by denying yourself a chance to love and be loved by someone.”
“So how do I atone for my sins?”
“Our Savior laid down His life on the cross for your sins, Luke. Why don’t you think that is enough? Salvation is His gift to you. He asks only that you love Him and obey His commandments.”
“How is it that I have such a wise mother?”
She smiled and winked at him. “Another gift from God. Cherish your gifts, Luke, and leave your mistakes in the past where they belong.”
“I don’t know if I can.”
She reached out and knocked his glass over, sending milk spreading across the tabletop. “Put the milk back in your glass, Luke.”
He backed away from the table to keep the milk from dripping in his lap. “Mamm, you know I can’t do that.”
She fisted her hands on her hips and glared at him. “Nee, you cannot. You can sit and moan about your empty glass or you can pour yourself another. What’s done can’t be undone, so stop complaining about it.”
“Are you angry with me?”
“I am. You are wasting the gifts God has given you. Now get out of the kitchen so I can finish my dishes. If you want another glass of milk, get it yourself. If you want to go out with Emma, ask her. There’s no guarantee you won’t make a mess again, but at least you’ll be going forward instead of sitting here crying over spilled milk.”
“Asking Emma out isn’t that easy.”
“How do you know? Have you tried it?”
He raised both eyebrows. “Of course not. I told you I think Wayne may be courting her.”
“But you don’t know for sure.”
The outside door opened. Samuel and Rebecca came in with their arms loaded with greenery. Rebecca’s cheeks were rosy and flushed. “We’ve brought some pine boughs to decorate the window ledges and mantel. I love their fragrance at the holidays.”
“I love the taste of sweets at the holidays.” Samuel had a smug smile on his face that told Luke he’d been kissing his wife on their outing. She gave him a saucy grin as they went into the living room.
Luke’s mother folded her arms and chuckled. “What you need is a go-between to discover Emma’s feelings. I know just who to ask. Shall I?”
Chapter Eight
Luke mulled over his mother’s words as he finished the rest of the drywall in Zachariah’s shop the next morning. Maybe Mamm was right. Maybe he should give his relationship with Emma another try. The trouble was, he had no idea if she was in love with Wayne or not. The last thing he wanted was to jeopardize her future happiness.
An Amish fellow could ask a girl’s friends, or a family member like her brother, if she would be willing to walk out with him. Luke couldn’t imagine asking Roy, but his mother’s idea about asking Rebecca to be his go-between wasn’t a bad idea.
He hadn’t spoken to his sister-in-law when he had the chance last night. He needed to work up to that conversation. Maybe after supper tonight if he could get her aside without Samuel knowing about it. Luke didn’t relish the thought of all the brotherly ribbing he would get if any of his brothers found out he was asking Rebecca to be his go-between.
“Will you be eating lunch with us today?” Emma asked from behind him. He hadn’t heard her come in. He spun around and a glop of drywall mud flew off his trowel. It landed on her black shoe. He stared at it in speechless shock.
This was not a good start.
He raised his eyes to her face. She was glaring at him, but there was a slight twitch at the corner of her mouth. “A simple no would suffice. If my cooking is that bad, just say so.”
“It’s not that. I’m sorry. Let me get something.” He turned around looking for a rag, anything to clean her shoe. He spied a bundle of cloth on the window seat, snatched it up and began to wipe the mess off her foot. When he had most of it rubbed off, he stood with a sheepish grin. “There.”
She held out her hand. “May I have my apron back now?”
“Your what?” He glanced at the gray-plaster-loaded cloth in his hand.
“My apron. I took it off in here yesterday and I was looking for it.”
He held it out. “I’m sorry about that.”
She took it between two fingers. “It will wash. As will my shoe. Are you eating with us today?”
“Am I restricted to bread and water?”
“If you don’t make another mess, you might get a little gravy on your bread crumbs.”
“Danki. I’ll join you for the meal.”
She glanced around. “Goot. Where is my father?”
“He’s sorting through boxes in the barn, trying to see what we can sell. I think he hates to part with any of it.”
“I know he wants this business for Roy. Is there any hope that it won’t become a money pit?”
He shrugged. “Daed and Samuel have the business sense in the family. I break things and sometimes fix things. You can ask for their suggestions.”
She bristled slightly. “I’m sure we’ll manage.”
He gestured with his trowel. “I’m sure you will. I need to get this mud on the walls before it dries.”
“Lunch will be in half an hour.”
“I appreciate it, and you’re a goot cook. Has Wayne sampled your cherry cobbler?”
“I haven’t cooked anything for him.”
That was promising. “Your cherry cobbler and your gooseberry tarts, those were my favorites. Along with meat loaf and boiled turnips, of course.”
She flushed a dull red. “I’ll have to remember that.”
He chuckled as she spun around and left the room. He liked that he had flustered her. It meant she wasn’t indifferent to him. He went back to work and began whistling a cheery Christmas tune. If she wasn’t indifferent to him, he might have a chance. If he proceeded carefully.
* * *
Emma dropped her dirty apron in the sink and turned on the water to let it soak. She pulled a rag from a bottom drawer and moistened it beneath the faucet. Sitting down on a kitchen chair, she pulled off her shoe and chuckled. Luke’s shocked expression was the funniest thing she had seen all week.
She sobered. He used to make her laugh all the time. His outrageous antics had horrified the elders in their church, but she knew he was just trying to get a rise out of people. Their teacher had called it attention-seeking behavior, and looking back, Emma saw the woman had been right.
But somewhere along the way, his pranks had turned from playful to serious and ultimately ruinous for him. And for her. As much as she wanted to believe he was a changed man, she just couldn’t. She finished cleaning her shoe, put it on and went back to work. Her days of mooning over Luke Bowman were long gone. She had a house to run, and soon she would have a business to run, too.
The thought brought her up short. If the business became even modestly successful, why would she have to marry to care for her brothers? Why couldn’t she and Roy manage it together? She didn’t know much about running a business, but she could learn. It might be a far-fetched plan considering the store wasn’t even open, but it had definite appeal.
When the men came in to eat lunch, she had it all on the table for them. After silent prayer, she waited to speak until everyone had their food. “Have you enough items to get the store started, Papa, or will you need to buy more?”
“I don’t know.”
<
br /> “Some of his things are so old, I doubt we’ll be able to give them away.” Roy helped himself to another biscuit.
“What kind of old things?” Emma passed him the jam she knew he liked.
“Sewing machines and old coal stoves.”
“I wasn’t picky about the junk I hauled home.” Her father looked tired today. There was a droop to his shoulders and his cheeks were pale.
“The Englisch have a love of antiques. You could call it a hardware and antiques market. That might bring in more customers,” Luke suggested.
“Nee, it will be Swartzentruber and Sons Hardware Store. Nuts and bolts and shoes for the horses. Things my Amish neighbors can use.”
Emma folded her hands and rested her elbows on the table. “I think Luke is right. I don’t think you should limit yourself to just the Amish.”
“We shall see how it goes. I want it to be ready by Christmas. How much still has to be done inside, Luke?”
“The mud needs to dry overnight. It really should cure for two days in this weather. After that, sanding and priming and then paint. A week should see it done. I’d say another two weeks to put in the shelves and counters and a week to stock and price things.”
“That is too long. We must get it done sooner.”
“Papa, what will it hurt to open a little later?” she asked gently. He was getting too upset.
Her father glared at her. “The longer it takes the less money we make.”
“Have you given a thought to using solar power in your store?”
Emma gave Luke a grateful glance for his quick change of subject. “Why solar?”
Her father stroked his chin. “I’ve not given any thought to it. How would it benefit us?”
“I could charge my cell phone,” Roy said with a grin.
Emma scowled at him and he resumed eating. “Other than the phone my brother is not supposed to have, why would we want to incur the expense of putting in solar?”
“You already own the panels. You’d only need someone to install them, so it would be almost free power for charging batteries and lighting for the store. The bishop approved the use of electricity in my father’s woodworking shop. We use a diesel generator.” He began eating again.
Her father smiled. “This might be a good idea, Luke. The bishop would have to approve my use of electricity as well. Since we can’t paint tomorrow, I will go see him. You must come with me. You are familiar with this technology.”
Luke paused with his fork halfway to his mouth. “I can’t go with you tomorrow.”
Her father’s scowl returned. “Why not?”
Emma saw a guarded look settle over Luke’s expression. “I have another appointment.”
“He has to see his parole officer,” Roy said.
Luke slowly lowered his fork to his plate as a deep red flush crept up his cheeks. “That’s right.”
“I thought that bad business was behind you.” Emma hadn’t forgotten about the time he served in prison, but he had been home for over a year.
“I received an early release, but I’m on parole until I’ve served my entire sentence. I have to meet with my parole officer once a month until then.”
“What happens if you don’t?” Emma asked.
Luke stared at his plate, not meeting her gaze. “If I violate the terms of my parole, I can be sent back to prison to finish serving my time there plus whatever additional time they decide to tack on for my failure to follow the rules.”
He pushed away from the table. “Zachariah, I’ll start putting together some of those shelves. I can paint them while I’m waiting on the mud to dry.”
He left the room with a good portion of his meal still on his plate. Emma turned to Roy. “How did you know about Luke’s parole meeting?”
“Luke talked about being in prison the other day. I saw Brian Morgan yesterday, and he mentioned he was going into the city with Jim and Luke on Friday. I asked if it was for Luke’s parole meeting. Brian looked surprised and said he wasn’t supposed to talk about it, but I told him I already knew.”
“You were gossiping about Luke? I’m ashamed of you.”
“It’s not gossip if it’s true, and Brian already knew, anyway.”
“Father, did you know about this?”
“Nee, I did not, but I don’t see what difference it makes. The Englisch law is none of our business.”
It shouldn’t make a difference, but it did. It was a harsh reminder that Luke had been more than a wild and unreliable youth. He had fallen far from his faith and turned a deaf ear to the pleas of his family to reconcile until he had been released from prison. He claimed he had changed. It seemed as if he had, but how could she be sure?
Then she realized that she couldn’t. She had to accept Luke’s word.
This was a test of her faith. Could she live her beliefs?
Recalling the look of shame on Luke’s face brought shame to her, too. He didn’t deserve to have his past mistakes displayed before all of them. “Roy, you must never mention this again, not even to Alvin. What is forgiven is over. It should never be spoken about. Do you understand?”
“I guess.” He shifted uncomfortably in his seat.
She rose from the table. “I will apologize for you. Luke needs to know we will not hold his past against him. It is wrong to do so.”
Roy held up his hands. “I don’t hold it against him.”
“Nor do I,” her father stated.
“Then I alone have been guilty of that sin. Clear the table for me, please, Roy. I’ll be back shortly.”
* * *
Luke hammered in the nail with much more force than necessary. Each beat of the hammer shouted, Fool! Fool! Fool!
He’d seen the shock on Emma’s face. Now that she knew he was still on parole, she would have even less to do with him. Like the rest of the community, she had assumed his past was behind him. Now it stood like a wall between them because he’d lacked the courage to tell her about it. He had lied by omission. Any trust that had developed between them was surely gone.
He pulled a second board in place and drove in another nail with such force that it split the wood. He pried out the nail and threw the piece aside in disgust.
“Luke, may I speak with you?”
The sound of her soft voice behind him brought him up short. He didn’t look at her. “I should have told your father about my parole when he offered me the job. I’m sorry. I’ll have Joshua come and help you finish.”
“You’ve been doing a fine job for us.”
“Good to know.”
“Luke, I’m sorry.”
He glanced at her then. “Why should you be sorry? I’m the one who made a mistake. Many mistakes.”
“It was Roy who made a mistake by repeating what you had told him. In his defense, he admires you greatly and wants to learn everything he can about you. I’m afraid he has a bad case of hero worship.”
“And we both know I’m no hero, don’t we?”
She didn’t agree, but she was quiet for a long moment. Finally, she said, “You don’t have to send Joshua to work in your place. I wouldn’t be true to our faith if I turned you away because you weren’t forthcoming about your parole. We forgive. We treat every man as a child of God. No man is sinless. We must not judge others lest we be judged ourselves.”
A lump pushed up in his throat. “I don’t deserve your kindness.”
“Every man deserves kindness. I’m sorry you were embarrassed.”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t more honest.”
“This parole thing you must do, is it the reason you have remained here?”
“Ja. Living at home and working in the family business is a condition of my parole. I could petition to move or get another job, but my parole officer would hav
e to okay it.”
“I see.”
He picked up another board. “My sentence will be finished in a few weeks. After that, I’ll be free to go anywhere, work anywhere, although jobs are scarce for ex-cons.”
She folded her arms tightly across her middle. “So you will be leaving, then.”
Hearing what he hoped was disappointment in her tone, he put down the board and walked up to her, stopping less than a foot away. “What would you have me do?”
She stared at her feet. “It isn’t up to me.”
“I know, but I’m asking. What would you like me to do? Stay, or go?”
She bit her lower lip. He wanted to kiss it. “You would make your family happy if you stayed among us.”
He was putting her on the spot and that wasn’t right. He stepped back and crossed to the stack of lumber to select a straight board. “Ja, it would make them happy if I stayed.”
“That is important, but it is more important to seek God’s will, Luke, not your own.”
“Right. I’ll tell Lillian about my situation and let her decide if she still wants me to help at the school.”
“She will.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because she is a woman of our faith. She lives it, as I try to do.”
“Some of the parents may not feel the same. I wouldn’t want to cause a problem for her.”
* * *
It surprised and pleased Emma that he would put Lillian’s concerns before his own. “If you feel you must tell her, I understand, but what you have told us doesn’t need to leave this farm. I have told Roy that he is never to speak of it again.”
Luke gazed at her with a soft light in his eyes. “I appreciate that, Emma. I do, but I’ll tell Lillian tonight. What about you? I don’t want to risk your reputation by working here.”
“My father and my brothers are adequate chaperones. Don’t worry about me.”
He was worried about her—she could see it on his face—and some of the ice in her heart melted away. He must care about her a little.
Uncomfortable with the closeness that seemed to be pulling them together, she moved to where a shaft of sunlight from the open hayloft door highlighted a tarp covering something leaning against the barn wall. “What is this?”
An Amish Noel Page 9