A Cup of Complicated

by Rodi Chadish

  “I know,” I answer giving him a small smile.

  “Can we not talk about it anymore today?” he then asks.

  “I guess…” I answer with a sigh as we stop in front of the restaurant.

  Even with all of Luke’s insight, it hurts a little. There was just something about Elliot that stirred me up. Brought all my hopes back from where I’d kept them stored away. It was just easy to be me with him, easier than it had been in my entire life.

  Elliot

  I was coming through town when I saw her, standing there in front of a restaurant with who I presumed to be her friend Luke. I’d almost wrecked my truck because I couldn’t look away. She didn't’ see me, but I took my time and then watched her some more in my rearview. It was like I took a drink after not having one for days. Her hair was different, and the smile on her face was small, not wide and toothy. I had to force myself not to turn the truck around. She looked good. I’m not sure what I expected, I mean three months had gone by but after that glimpse of her I missed her more. I talked a lot about that glimpse of her with Joe that night, and then he said something that surprised me, “You know for only knowing her for a week she seems to have made an incredible impression on you Elliot, maybe she came into your life at just the right time. Perhaps seeing that someone would be willing to share your life despite your limitations has opened your eyes to what you’ve been missing. She seems like a really great woman, I’m wondering if it would hurt for you to contact her. I think you’ve been making some really great progress.”

  I sat there staring at him for a few minutes before I spoke, “I don’t know if she’d be okay with that…”

  “You won’t know if you don’t even attempt it. I’m not saying whip your phone out right here, but really consider reaching out to her. Explain the last few months and what’s been going on with her,” he said.

  I left that appointment in shambles. My mind was all over the place with indecision. Almost every part of me wanted to hit send immediately but then there was that sliver of doubt that kept me from it. I rationalized that maybe in a few more weeks I would do it as I pulled into my driveway. I wasn’t even phased as I passed Ethan on my porch. He’d been coming by a lot the last few months.

  “You look like crap El,” he said with a smirk.

  “Thanks…” I responded turning the key in the lock.

  “Becca was wondering if you’ll be coming over next week?” he asked.

  “You could have called to ask that…” I said wheeling through the house.

  “I know,” he said.

  “Then why did you come over to ask?” I asked him to pull out a beer for each of us.

  “You’ve got better beer than me…” he laughed twisting off the top.

  “Okay, why are you really here?” I prodded, knowing that he was up to something.

  “What a guy can’t just come have a beer with his big brother every now and then?” he faked hurt.

  “Conveniently it’s every Wednesday after my therapy session so it’s becoming a bit of a sign that you want to make sure I’m okay or that you guys won’t find me hanging from my shower rod, by my belt or something…” I said, giving him the look.

  “First of all, you can’t even reach the shower rod so that option would be out of the question for you. Besides I know that you wouldn’t do anything like that, no matter how bad it got El,” he pauses getting a serious look on his face, “I wanted to see if you would come to the cemetery with me tomorrow.”

  Like a ton of bricks slammed into my chest I can’t breathe, I didn’t even realize what the date was. It had been twelve years. “No,” I answer trying to find air.

  “What do you mean no? It’s been almost four years since you’ve gone. I don’t want to go alone and it doesn’t mean the same to Becca,” he says angrily.

  “I said no. Ask Mark, or go with mom and dad,” I reply coolly.

  “She would hate you sometimes you know that?” he says before he can stop himself.

  “Don’t you dare tell me what she would feel. You have no idea,” I almost scream at him.

  “Don’t pretend that you knew her better than anyone else, don’t act like you are the only one who gets to have that privilege,” he says his face getting redder by the second.

  “You think that’s your right then? Where were you that night when your phone rang?” I ask him, knowing the answer.

  “Not where I should have been that’s for sure. But I was just a stupid kid then. You were a man out racing his stupid motorcycle for money, trying to prove just how much of a badass you were… look where that got you…” he says, immediately stepping backward.

  I can see the regret on his face the moment the words are tumbling out of his mouth, I see the pain etching its way across his face as he takes a step away from me. Before I even realize what’s happening I’m staring at the broken glass and beer on the floor beside the doorway as my hands tremble with rage.

  “Get out,” I say in barely a whisper.

  “I shouldn’t have said that...I... I…” he mumbles not moving.

  “GET OUT!” I scream not even recognizing the voice coming out of me.

  We stare at each other for a few seconds before he gives in and walks out. I hear the door slam, his truck tires peeling out and then nothing before I even move a muscle. Memories of her face flash in my mind as I wheel around the kitchen grabbing a towel and the broom. She’d tried to call both of us. Neither of us answering. I’d been at this old stretch of road racing my motorcycle, he’d been at some party. There was no service until I got closer to town, one of those random dead spots where all reception was lost. I didn’t get the alerts till I was home. Two messages from her, three from my father. It was the last time I heard her voice, the last time she ever teased me. “Listen Smelliot, I need a ride… where the hell are you? You better not be racing that stupid motorcycle, I hate that, one of these days a deer is gonna pop out and make you wreck…call me back!” was the first one and the second one only a half hour later broke my heart, “I know you’re doing something I wish you weren’t, but I can’t get ahold of Ethan either, please El, be careful, Matt is taking me back, love ya, I’ll see you Sunday at dinner.”

  She never made it back, her friend Matt had fallen asleep at the wheel and wrapped his car around a tree, she died instantly, my little sister, my gorgeous, smart, funny little sister was gone. I was twenty-three at the time and Ethan was only seventeen. She had just turned twenty-two. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her. Of all us kids we were closest in age, and while I’d always been close to my brother's nothing could ever compare to the closeness I shared with her. When we were little, people always thought we were twins, we shared the same color hair and the same color eyes. I can remember once when I was about seven or eight asking my dad if we were twins, he just laughed at the thought. “Elliot, it may seem that you two are perfectly matched in almost every way, but I assure you, Emma did not refuse to leave your mother's belly so she didn’t have to share a birthday with you…”

  My mind flashes to just a few days after my accident, I was kind of in and out but I remember my mother asking Ethan if I’d been racing again. I recall wanting to scream at them NO! I wasn’t… that night anyways. I’d gone out three days after Emma’s funeral and sure enough, there was deer, I’d barely layed the bike down in time to save myself and the stupid doe but it woke me up enough to put an end to that. For a while anyways, until I met Meagan. Then I needed a release and she egged me on over and over. Funny thing was, my accident, I wasn’t racing that night, I was just late getting home because I was at the jewelers picking up her wedding present.

  She’d called me and we were arguing about my mother just dropping by earlier that day with some things for the bridal shower. I was trying to keep my cool when the gray and red truck pulled out in front of me, leaving me no chance to stop or swerve out of the way. I vaguely remember the relief that I saw on my mother’s face before I was out again.


  We had gotten through Emma’s death as a family, my accident, though, I didn’t want help, I didn’t want to give anyone the opportunity to say, “I told you so.” Weeks after my accident after Meagan had left, I had a dream about Emma, like she was right there beside me talking. She’d said that. With a grin only a little sister could get away with she said I told you Smelliot, the deer wasn’t enough to scare you I guess. When I woke from that dream it was like I’d been injured all over again. That was when everything started to get worse. Joe and I had talked about that dream briefly, talked about how her death had affected me, about how I never talked about her, distanced myself from my family. Now Ethan had said it. Here I was sitting with a towel full of broken glass and all I wanted was to call Taylor. The desire to call her was so strong that even after I got ready for bed I lied there staring at the phone trying to work up the nerve to call her. I finally hit send around midnight...

  seventeen

  Taylor

  “Elliot, what’s wrong?” she answers after the second ring.

  “I… I… I’m sorry…” I barely manage to squeak out.

  “Are you okay?” she asks, a hint of panic in her voice.

  I hesitate, not sure how to answer the question as the emotions of the night and hearing her voice are messing with me, “Not really, I mean yes and no.”

  “I’m just leaving Davy’s… can I call you back when I get home?” she asks softly.

  “It’s fine, it’s late Taylor, I’m sorry I bothered you…” I say feeling foolish for calling her so late and even bothering her.

  “Don’t hang up…” she says.

  “I shouldn’t have called you, I’ll be fine,” I say feeling like the biggest dummy there is.

  “You should have called me sooner…” she lets out with a breath, “You should have called me three months ago, Elliot. If you need to talk I’m here…”

  “Why, why would you still want to talk to me after what I did?” I ask honestly wondering.

  “Because I miss you...because I didn’t understand why you broke it off before it even got started. Because I do still care about you, despite that,” she says.

  “I’ve wanted to call you every day since then. I wasn’t lying when I said I wasn’t ready. When you looked at me in Alex’s room that night, the look on your face, and then when you asked me things I wasn’t ready to talk about in the garage, that look right there, I hated myself for putting that look on your face…” I started, “I hated that I didn’t stop you from walking to your car, that I didn’t just tell you all the things that were going on in my head, I hated that I couldn’t let you in...that I couldn’t allow myself to let you see me.”

  “Elliot, didn’t I tell you that I would be there for you? Didn’t I show you that? Did I not explain that everyone has issues, myself included? I opened up to you, I showed you… I showed you something that I’ve never showed anyone, that day. I was ready to lay it all out there for you…” she says, a mix of anger and sadness in her voice.

  “I know…” I say, not having any excuses.

  “I understand that you might not have been ready, but why not just tell me that? You just blurted it out and that was it. I would have understood, I would have backed off…” she says angrily.

  I deserve that anger directed towards me, I deserve for her to just hang up the damn phone and never speak to me again...but I want her in my life. I probably don’t deserve her. I know I don’t deserve her, but it makes me want to work that much harder to have her in my life. I want to be the one to make her smile, to make her feel safe, to pamper her, to give her anything she would ever want, I want to be the person she deserves.

  “Elliot? Are you still there?” she asks softly, as I realize I’ve been silent for a while.

  “I’m here,” I answer, thinking to myself that I would always be there… “I saw you earlier,”

  “What? Where?” she questions.

  “I was driving to an appointment and you were standing outside a restaurant, I almost wrecked my truck,” I chuckle.

  “I’m glad you didn’t...I was meeting Luke and his fiancé for dinner. They wanted to talk about their upcoming wedding,” she says honestly.

  “You changed your hair…” I say, picturing her shorter brown locks.

  “Yeah, I needed a change. I talked to Ethan…” she admits.

  “He mentioned that you will be doing Becca’s maternity photos… he wouldn’t tell me anything else, though,” I say.

  “I asked him not to. He told me that you’ve been seeing someone, that you have been doing better…” she says sheepishly.

  “I’ve been talking with a therapist. It was hard at first, to open up to a complete stranger, to bare all. It’s gotten a lot easier, though, I’m definitely seeing a difference. I fought with Ethan tonight…” I blurt out.

  “Is that why you called?” she asks, a little bit of irritation creeping in.

  “Partly. Is it horrible that the only person I wanted to talk to about it, was you?” I asked.

  “What did you fight about?” she says, the irritation gone.

  “My sister…” I say, knowing this is going to lead in a darker direction than I wanted it too, but she is the only person I want to talk about it with.

  “You never mentioned having a sister, are you not close with her?” she wonders.

  “We were very close. She died. It will be twelve years tomorrow…” I nearly whisper, talking about Emma is still hard for me.

  “Elliot I'm so sorry...I couldn't even imagine how hard that would be,” she says softly.

  “Thank you. We never really talk about it much. I've talked to Joe, my therapist, about it but my family… We don't bring it up. She would hate me for the person I've become, Ethan said it tonight. She would too. It was easy after her death to grieve with my family, be with them, be strong for them… This has been different, though,” I say barely holding it together when I hear a male voice in the background, “who is that?”

  She hesitates a second too long for my liking, “Taylor, I didn't realize you were with someone…” I say abruptly.

  “It's Jeff. The new bartender Dave hired,” she says, a little too quickly.

  “I'll let you go. I'm sorry I bothered you,” I respond my heart breaking a bit more.

  “Elliot, no it's fine. I'm just giving him a ride home,” she says but the damage is done.

  “No really, you're busy, you've moved on from… From this,” I say quickly hitting the end call button.

  I've done it again, I didn't give her a chance to tell me otherwise. I don't know why I thought she would still be single. She's the complete package. How could I have been so stupid? Setting my alarm, I'm not surprised that she doesn't attempt to contact me after I hung up. I stare at the ceiling for nearly the entire night before eventually finding sleep, if you could call it that. Wretched dreams tear at my soul and by five I give up. I muddle through my morning routine, now quite aware of the date and all it brings with it. I don't even bother to shave before I head into the office. I half aware pull into the drive-thru at Starbucks a little earlier than normal and order my usual. I'm so completely lost in thought that the barista has to knock on my window to get my attention. I politely apologize and am on my way. Pulling in I realize I'm first to arrive. I sit there for a while before even attempting to get out. Trying my best to not let Ethan's words play on repeat in my mind, I nearly slam the door into my father, who has been standing outside my truck for I don't even know how long.

  “You coming in, or are you going to see patients out here today?” He asks, the creases on his face looking deeper and more set than normal.

  “Sorry, I didn't realize you were there, dad,” I answer as he grabs the frame of my chair from me.

  It's been a long time since I've let anyone help me put my chair together but with the night I've had and my endless self-torture this morning I give him the pieces.

  “Elliot, what's going on? Why do you look like hell?” he asks, tre
ading carefully.

  “Couldn't sleep, it was a rough night,” I answer truthfully, wondering if he's talked to Ethan.

  “I can understand that. You gonna be alright today?” he asks watching as I lower myself down and arrange my legs.

  “I'll be alright,” I answer, not sure it's the truth.

  He clasps his hand on my shoulder before I start to push my chair, “I'm here if you need me.”

  With a nod, I push out of his reach and we silently enter the building. How could I ever talk to him about this today, he's living in his own version of this hell, I think as I enter my office and close the door. Numb, I go through the day and before I know it I'm wheeling through the door to leave. I barely take notice of the other cars in the lot, but when I get to my truck, finally looking up I’m staring into her eyes.

  “You… what are you doing here?” I ask, emotions fighting to get out.

  “I came so you could introduce me to Emma…” she says, completely flooring me.

  “I… How… don’t you have work?” I wonder aloud, confused at how she even knows Emma’s name.

  “You know that guy you heard last night? Dave hired him to replace me. His wife is doing better and I’m not really needed now. Business is up. It’s a win-win situation for me really. Now are we going or not?” she says with a soft smile.

  “Did Ethan put you up to this?” I ask, not really angry but not sure if she’s here for me or because of my brother.

  “Nope. He did call me today though and tell me that he was a horrible brother and that you might need a friend right now…” she says easily, “I’ve been waiting three months for you to figure it out, Elliot. Three months for you to realize that I want to be a part of your life…”

  “Even after?” I ask.

  “Yes, surprising. See I have this friend and his situation is similar, yet so different from yours, but he said something that I couldn’t dismiss. He told me that it was actually a good thing that you disappeared, that maybe because of meeting me you finally had to deal with some of the things you weren’t dealing with. He was impressed that you had enough sense to realize that maybe you and I shouldn’t go through that right off the bat,” she said.