Becoming His, Learning to Breathe: Part Two - The Collective - Season 1, Episode 8

by Ellie Masters

  She glanced up, realizing he’d secured her on the cross. Jerking her wrists, she tried to pull free, but she was strapped in tight.

  “How does that feel?”

  “I want out,” she said, feeling more and more terrified with each sharp inhale.

  He pressed his body against hers, his chest to her back, and wrapped his hands around her waist. “Close your eyes, love. Feel me. I’ve got you. I’ll never let you fall.”

  “But…”

  “Close your eyes,” he said again, more forceful and insistent. “Trust me not to violate your limits.”

  “I don’t know if I can.” Fear wiggled in her head, stretching and reaching out.

  “If you want me to release you, all you have to do is say the word. We’ll stop, and leave this place, but I want you to take a breath and calm down.”

  With her arms stretched overhead, and her legs spread, it felt nothing like the close intimacy of being draped over his knee, or even sprawled on the bed. She was exposed and vulnerable, weak and not in control.

  With fear coursing through her veins, she took in the required breath, holding it for a count of ten. All she had to do was say one word. How the hell was she going to get through this? Hot tears pricked behind her lids, and she held back a sob. There was no saying no. This was a part of his world, and if she wanted to become a part of it, she’d have to embrace all of this.

  But she couldn’t stop the images of women writhing in pain, their backs welted and raw. Some of the links had sent her to videos where she’d watched clips of intense play. Derek said he was a sadist. He’d admitted as much. Fucking her was arousing, but what turned him on would be her screams.

  She bit down hard on her lip and struggled against her bonds. Her mind spun and whirled with images of what would come next. She kicked her feet, or tried to. Derek had effectively immobilized her, and with a stuttering breath, an uncomfortable truth revealed itself. She was helpless to free herself. With that realization, a half-formed memory fluttered in her mind, bringing with it a feeling of being trapped.

  “Derek!”

  His grip tightened around her belly. He was there, everywhere, standing behind her, towering over her, so very much stronger than her.

  With a growl, he gripped her hair. “Fucking breathe, Sally! You’re freaking out.”

  The room swam and she couldn’t see. Hyperventilating, the skin above her lip pricked with pins and needles, and her vision grayed out at the edges. Her body broke out in a sheen of sweat, and she tugged on the cuffs.

  “Holy shit,” he said.

  Metal rattled on metal, and her arm fell to hang limply by her side. A second later, her other arm dropped as well. She collapsed, but didn’t fall. Derek gathered her in his arms, bending to free first one foot and then the next.

  He held her and rushed out of the room. A vague sense of a vast space filtered through her mind, but she didn’t stop to consider what that might mean. She was spinning, or falling, or maybe that was her head. One minute she was upright, the next she found herself curled in Derek’s grip. He sat on a couch, in a small room with walls that moved. No, not walls. Thick drapes closed them in. She cracked an eye and took in her surroundings.

  “What happened?” Disorientation pulled at her mind. “Where are we?”

  Derek flexed and pulled her close to his chest. His steadying presence flooded her senses, the warmth of his natural scent layered beneath the lightness of his cologne.

  “You had a reaction,” he explained. “Like a trigger.”

  “A what?”

  “Sally, have you ever been restrained against your will before?”

  Everyone had at some point in their lives. “Yeah, but I don’t understand what happened.”

  “Neither do I, but I’m determined to find out.”

  A sob escaped her. “I’m so sorry. I ruined our first scene.”

  “No, that was my fault,” he said. “I missed the cues.”

  “I didn’t want to disappoint you.”

  “You’ll never disappoint me, but Sally, I need you to understand something.”

  “Yes?”

  “You must communicate. If you ever find yourself in that situation again, you must call your safe word.”

  “I thought you would be mad.”

  “For calling red?”

  She nodded.

  “The only time I’ll ever be upset is if you need to call your safeword and don’t. I told you, this is about exploring your limits and boundaries. It’s not about living up to mine. I have decades of experience in the lifestyle. You’re brand new. Some of the things we do will scare you. Others will excite you. What I don’t want is your first experiences with me to be filled with bad memories. What we do here is for fun.”

  “I didn’t mean to ruin things.”

  He kissed her brow. “Nothing is ruined. We’re going to take a very small step back, and figure out what went wrong.”

  She shrugged. “I don’t know.”

  “Tell me what was going on in your head.”

  She dug deep. He was right. They had to fix this, or overcome it, or…hell, she didn’t even know. But she tried, for him, she would try.

  “Well, at first I was kind of out of it. I’ve never had such intense orgasms in my life.” She smiled up at him, glad to see a satisfied smirk take over his face.

  “Good to know,” he said.

  “Yeah,” she said, tracing out the hard ridges of his chest. He still had his clothes on, and she…she was still naked but covered in a towel. “When?”

  “Keep talking, sub,” he ordered. “What happened next?”

  “Well, after you short-circuited my mind, everything was kind of foggy, floaty. I was having fun.”

  “And then you weren’t.”

  “Right,” she agreed. “Then I wasn’t. I think I didn’t realize what was happening. It was like I was watching you cuff someone else in. Then, I felt trapped. It was the strangest feeling. I felt trapped almost before I realized I was the one strapped to the cross.”

  He smoothed her hair, drawing his fingers through her curls. “I’m not a psychologist, but I have a lot of experience watching people and listening to body language. I nearly missed it with you.”

  The memory crystalized in her mind. It had been a small thing, but terrifying at the time. She took in a deep breath and told Derek about the one and only time in her life she’d truly been afraid.

  “There was this one time in college but it was minor, and unintentional.” Except, her entire body shivered with the memory.

  “What happened?”

  “Nothing really. I was with a guy, a friend. There was nothing between us, although I think he wanted more. I probably could’ve been nicer to him. He had a speech impediment and it kind of put me off. I’m not proud of it, but that’s the way it was. Anyhow, we were unloading beer for a party, and it was kind of tight in the pantry. I went in ahead of him and was moving boxes out of the way to make room for the beer. When I turned around, he was right there. Put a hand beside my head, and kind of backed me up against the wall. I think he thought there was more to our friendship than what there was. Anyhow, I told him to let me out of there. Somehow, he grabbed my wrist, and then my throat.”

  “What happened next?”

  “Nothing. George kicked the door open carting in a crate of vodka, and the guy let go of me. He backed off and pretended like it never happened.”

  Savant

  Commotion in the dungeon somewhere behind them had Sally tensing. She felt exposed, but then remembered he’d pulled the thick curtains shut.

  “Shh,” Derek soothed, “no one will bother us.”

  “Do you think that memory could’ve trigged a reaction? It seems weird that would have happened.”

  “Triggers are often unpredictable,” Derek said. “But I’m glad we discovered that before getting too deep into that scene.”

  She breathed out, sensing some disappointment in his voice. Reaching up, she traced the
angle of his chin, marveling at not only his strength but his incredible patience. Then she remembered what he’d said about his fiancée. How Nikki had played at being submissive. He’d given her a ring, but their relationship unraveled when she couldn’t handle what he needed not just to give, but take.

  Her chest seized. She wouldn’t do that to him. Trigger or not, she would conquer her fears.

  “Derek,” she said.

  “Yes, love?”

  It was interesting how the mood shifted between them with the change in how she addressed him, but the honorific Sir was significant and a potent force. She shifted in his lap, letting the towel fall from around her shoulders. Clearing her throat, she sat up straight, turning to face him. Cupping his face between her hands, she pressed a light kiss on his lips.

  “I want to try again,” she said.

  “No.” His brusque response surprised her.

  He was the sadist. Whipping her should excite him, but she could tell from the soft bulge between his legs, that he was decidedly unaroused. She’d done that.

  “Sir,” she said, “please. I want to try…”

  “Not today.” He shifted her in his lap.

  “But…”

  “Trust me to know when to move forward and when to take a step back.”

  “But Derek,” she said, “I don’t want to step back. I want to keep going forward until you have me begging at your feet.”

  “I don’t think you understand what that means.”

  “Maybe not, but doesn’t it mean something that I want more? That I want to keep going until you take me as your slave?”

  “I think you’re romanticizing what it means to be a slave.”

  “I’ve read scores of blogs about subs and slaves. I know the difference.”

  “You think you know the difference, but you’ve been at this for less than a week. There’s no way to possibly know what it means to be my slave. You won’t even extend your trust to get through a simple scene.”

  “But—”

  “Don’t interrupt me,” he said with a scowl. “To be my submissive is to agree to explore mutually satisfying kink. To do so within the limits of scenes we devise. Outside those moments, you’re free to live your life as you see fit. To be my slave is something else entirely. It’s much more profound and involves extreme trust.”

  “I want to do that. I want to be yours in every way.”

  “In every way?” He tilted his head back and pressed his eyes closed. “In every way for me means complete surrender and total domination. It means every piece of your life bends to my wishes. It means you trust me enough to walk you through a scene, guiding you through and past your fears. It means removing your safe word.”

  “I didn’t give my safe word, Derek. You stopped the scene.”

  “I had no choice,” he said. “You were so set on pleasing me, that you lost touch with what was happening with your body. You were hyperventilating and moments from passing out. You violated SSC.”

  She didn’t think she’d been that far gone. Although, the pins and needles around her mouth and the graying out of her vision said he was correct. Could he be telling her the truth? Had she missed the signs?

  She hung her head. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. I’m grateful I noticed the signs when I did. If that scene had gone any farther, we could’ve done irreparable damage.”

  “I guess, I didn’t realize.”

  “No. You didn’t.”

  “Thank you,” she said. “I hate admitting this, but you’re right.”

  He laughed. “You mean I may know a little bit more than your weeks’ worth of research?”

  “Don’t make fun of me,” she cried out. “I’m pretty smart, and when something interests me, I know how to dig deep. I’ve learned a lot with my research.”

  He tapped the side of her head. “I agree, but it’s all up here. You know a lot, but you have no idea what it feels like.” He tapped her chest, right over her heart. “Knowing something isn’t the same as feeling it. You could regurgitate a thesis paper on RACK and still not understand what it means.”

  “But, I’m giving myself to you. You don’t want that with me?” She was basically laying her submission at his feet, and he was telling her no? That didn’t even make sense. Why wasn’t he running with it?

  “I want whatever you’re willing to give.” A longing filled his voice. “But I want what’s in your heart. I want you to give me your soul, not what you think, but what you feel about becoming mine.”

  Irritation flashed through her, and she pressed her palm against his chest, pushing back from him. “I’m telling you I know what I want.”

  He stared at the ceiling instead of her. “I think we’re rushing this,” he said. “That is my mistake.”

  Oh hell no. He wasn’t going to end this.

  “No,” she said.

  “No?”

  “No!” She crawled off his lap and stood naked before him. His eyes didn’t even graze her flesh.

  “Subs don’t tell their Doms no, Sally.”

  “Well, this sub is. Just because you’re my Dom doesn’t mean you don’t make mistakes.”

  He blew out a breath. “This is exactly what we’re talking about.”

  “No. You’re giving up on us before we even begin.” She pointed behind her. “So, what if I had a little reaction back there? It doesn’t mean I don’t want this. Everything about this is terrifying to me. And you may be right about the slave thing. It’s exciting to read about it. Hell, it’s more than arousing thinking about it. I’m terrified over here, but I want this.”

  She dropped to her knees and bent down beside him, placing her cheek against his thigh. “I’m not Nikki,” she said. “Please, don’t give up on me.”

  He wrapped his fingers in her hair and combed through her curls. “Is that what you think this is about?”

  Her cheeks glistened from her tears. “You said…”

  “I know what I said, but I’m still not tying you up to the Saint Andrew’s.”

  She held back a frustrated scream. This was supposed to have been her first real introduction to BDSM. Instead, she’d turned it into a whiny argument and sounded pitiful arguing with him. She breathed out, long and slow, but it did nothing to ease her frustration.

  The commotion beyond the curtains picked up, excited feminine voices bouncing off the walls and ceiling. Layered beneath that, the low rumbles of men percolated through the space.

  Derek groaned. “Looks like my friends have arrived.” He scooped her into his lap and kissed the crown of her head. “We’ll get there. I promise we’ll get there. Taking a momentary step back doesn’t mean what you think. I’m not giving up on us. I’m merely slowing down the pace…because I believe in us. If I didn’t care for you as much as I did, I wouldn’t be this careful.”

  “I get that.” At least she was trying to understand his reasoning. “But it doesn’t feel that way.”

  “Did you happen to read about sub-frenzy?”

  She chose her words carefully. “I understand the concerns. Submissives who jumped in too eagerly and who get hurt in the process. But, I know what I’m doing.” She’d researched the hell out of what she wanted. “I’m not flighty, and I don’t mean that to sound derogatory, but I know what it is. I’m not experiencing sub frenzy.”

  “It’s an easy trap to fall into.”

  “So is running from your fears. I get why you’re pulling back, but if that was a trigger, then we’ve identified it. That means we can work past it.”

  “Give it time, Sally.”

  “I get it, you’re in charge, and I have no say. Except, you’re making a mistake.”

  “You’re sounding quite un-submissive.” His brow arched with a warning tone.

  “Because I disagree? I’ll follow wherever you want to lead, but if you’re leading me over a cliff, I’m going to speak up.”

  He pulled her close, hugging her tight. “And this is why I love you.”
r />   Her heart about exploded with his admission.

  “We’ll get to the Saint Andrew’s,” he affirmed, “but we’ll do it at my pace. I’m not taking it off the table; I’m just putting it behind lots of other things. Let’s build up positive experiences before we start tackling the realm of your fears.”

  “Yes, Sir,” she relented. “But I can handle it. The only way to conquer a fear is to meet it head-on. I know strapping me to the cross isn’t the same as what happened in that pantry. I can work past the memory.”

  “I know you want to try, and I admire you all the more for it. Now, however, how about we go see what the others are up to? I’d like to watch some of their scenes with you.”

  “Grrr…Why?” She balled her fingers into a fist.

  “Seeing how you respond will help me to guide you.”

  “I’ve never watched other people have sex before. How about we go have sex and leave them to it?”

  He laughed “There will be some of that,” he admitted, “but so much more will be going on. Let’s kick back for the evening and absorb what we see.”

  “Absorb? You’ve probably done everything they’re doing.”

  “I have.”

  “Then what are you looking for?”

  “I’ll be watching you.”

  She shook her head and blew out a breath. “I get it, but I don’t, not when I’m offering myself up to you.”

  “Offer up your submission first. This is what I want, try to please me by doing as I say.”

  “Yes, Sir.” But Derek was an idiot. She could do much better mastering herself than him.

  “Let’s go see what the others are up to.” He stood and wrapped the towel around her shoulders. “Do you want to get your clothes, or are you okay covered with this.”

  She eyed him closely. The Saint Andrew’s might be out of the picture, but she still had hopes for something.

  “It’s soft and fluffy,” she said, “and huge. If it’s okay with you, I’ll keep the towel for now.”