Off to Be the Wizard

by Scott Meyer

  “Tyler,” he said, “I’m so glad to see they finally brought you back.” He looked to Gary and Jeff and rolled his eyes dismissively. “I always knew they’d get the hint eventually, but I had no idea it’d take them so long! If it had gone on too much longer, I was going to step in and rescue you myself.”

  Tyler kicked Jimmy in the crotch as hard as he could. The speed and ferocity of it made every man in the room cringe. Every man but Jimmy, who mentioned that he had anticipated this eventuality and had created an exclusionary zone one foot in diameter around his genitalia. He explained that no one could get anywhere near that part of his body without his permission. He arched an eyebrow at Gwen. He had to speak up to explain all this, over the sound of Tyler grunting with exertion as he fruitlessly kicked Jimmy’s nether region over and over again. Finally, after several more kicks Tyler stopped. Clearly, Jimmy’s words had finally sunk in.

  “Satisfied?” Jimmy asked.

  Tyler kicked him in the shin. Jimmy grimaced in pain, hunched his shoulders and hopped as he rubbed his bruised shin with his hands. “For now,” said Tyler.

  Jimmy’s office was about the size of a tennis court. It had marble floors, gold leaf columns, a high ceiling painted to look like the sky, and large stained glass windows – the standard Jimmy design scheme. In one corner there was a desk, a predictably oversized gold rectangle of hardwood so covered with tiny ornate carvings that from a distance it read as a bumpy popcorn ceiling texture. In another corner there was an equally ornate altar. Clearly, this was where Jimmy stood to do magic in the presence of non-wizards. Martin wondered which of these two pieces of furniture hid Jimmy’s computer.

  In the middle of the room there was a large conference table. There was something acutely bumpy in the middle of the table, covered with a sheet that covered the table’s entire surface and hung over the sides.

  Jimmy tried to do his customary glide step over to the conference table, but his newly acquired limp spoiled the effect. “Gentlemen, Gwen,” he said, “I understand that you’re all upset. I don’t blame you one bit. Particularly you, Tyler. I haven’t been honest, and I’ve done more than one thing I’m not proud of. Mistakes were made. Grave mistakes. But I’m confident that when you see why I did it, you’ll understand. Please, gather ‘round.”

  The wizards approached the table. Everyone, even Phillip, had intended to give Jimmy the chance to explain. Nobody expected him to be able to justify his actions, but he was entitled to try. Eddie nosed his way through the group to stand next to his best friend and boss.

  “As you all know,” Jimmy said, “when I first arrived in this time and place, I found primitive conditions and ignorant, superstitious people.”

  “And me and Gwen,” Phillip added.

  “Quite,” Jimmy agreed. “And may I say, Gwen, I’m delighted that you’ve finally decided to come out in the open and join the rest of us. Anyway, back when it was just the three of us, we made a sincere effort to keep from exposing the native people of this time to our modern ideas and conveniences. Phillip, would you like to tell them how well that worked?”

  “They all know that we discovered contamination from time travelers who had gone back even farther than us,” Phillip fumed, “and that our actions weren’t affecting the future. So what?”

  Jimmy smiled benevolently. “So, I decided there was no reason I shouldn’t make life better here for everyone. I developed a three-phase plan. Phase one was to introduce little niceties like eating off of plates with forks instead of eating with daggers and stale slabs of bread. I introduced basic sanitation. I was careful to do this in such a way that the natives thought they were inventing it themselves. The castle we’re standing in was phase two. I’ve stabilized the government, raised the kingdom’s standard of living, and given the people leaders they can look to with pride.” Jimmy looked intolerably pleased with himself. Eddie also looked intolerably pleased with him.

  Jimmy continued, “I had hoped to put off going public with the final phase of the plan, but I’m afraid Tyler forced my hand, which is fine! It’s really no problem. I apologize for ghosting you, Tyler, but I had no choice. I still had a couple of details to shore up before I could unveil phase three.

  “Phase three is designed to give the people the life they always wanted instead of the life they always get. As you all know, one of the few truly sacred rules we have is to never alter a living person’s physical structure, because, of course, you will most likely kill them. However, a few of us have proven, mostly by accident, that if the changes made are small enough, the subject can continue their life unharmed, and in some cases, unaware that anything happened to them at all. I have devised a plan whereby I can use small, incremental changes over a prolonged period of time to improve the physical condition of every man, woman, and child in this country.”

  Jimmy whipped the sheet off of the table, revealing a three dimensional relief map of the British Isles. The cities were delineated by small stylized models blown far out of scale to the land itself to make them stand out better. Camelot was a recognizable golden model of the castle, but most of the other cities, towns and villages were less recognizable.

  Jimmy produced a pointer and indicated London née Camelot and most of the main island. “In this area, people will remain largely unchanged. I have a plan to make them a bit taller, more muscular, and overall healthier, but there will be no drastic changes. This area will be the kingdom of man.”

  Jimmy pointed to a small area near the border with Scotland. “As we all know, this area has many rather dense forests. I have chosen this area to be the kingdom of the Elves. The people of this area will be much taller and thinner, with larger eyes. I can’t make them take to the trees, but I plan to encourage them with financial incentives. I know the Elves will be a bit too far away to enjoy on a regular basis, but marbled throughout the kingdom of man, there will be occasional pockets of Hobbits to work the farmland and generally add local color. In the final phase, Scotland, being quite mountainous, will of course be home to the Dwarves.” Jimmy lowered his pointer and radiated smugness while everyone else tried to fully comprehend everything he’d said.

  Finally, the thick, velvety silence was broken by Eddie. “Remember when I said that he tells me everything? I was mistaken.”

  Phillip said, “So what happened at Rickard’s Bend, then? Something go wrong with your Hobbits?”

  Jimmy sucked at his teeth, then said, “Yes, regrettably. My encounter with Tyler left me so shaken that I accidentally skipped a step in their transformation plan and, well, you all know what happened then. Anyway, it was a most unfortunate accident, and I certainly don’t blame Tyler for it.”

  Martin rubbed his eyes and took a deep breath. He doesn’t understand, he thought. He honestly does not get how wrong he is.

  Phillip cleared his throat and finally, for the record, said, “Jimmy, you’re a bastard. You’ve murdered over a hundred people and endangered … well, I’m not sure. How many people have you endangered?”

  Jimmy thought. “If you’re referring to the experimental villages I’ve modified as a proof of concept, there are two more. That brings me to the next point. When Tyler reacted so badly to my Hobbit village, I knew I needed to speed up certain parts of the process so I could really show you what I’m trying to do. Look, I know you’re planning to exile me and cut me off. I have the right to a proper defense. All I ask is that you all come with me and let me show you my work. I promise, you won’t regret it.”

  Jimmy took his staff in hand, lifting it so the glowing blue plasma ball was slightly above head height, and offered his shoulder to Phillip. Phillip grimaced, then put a hand on Jimmy’s shoulder. Jimmy looked to Martin, who followed suit, and in a moment everyone in the room was linked.

  Jimmy said, “Regardless of how this all comes out, I want to thank all of you for trusting me. Transporto al armeo post alpha!” As so
on as they heard that, every other wizard in the room regretted having trusted Jimmy.

  The wizards appeared in an empty field just outside Camelot’s fortified golden walls. The sky was still bright and clear. The sun was still blindingly bright reflecting off of the golden city wall, which they were facing. Behind them was about a half mile of open field with forest on the far edge. Between them and the wall were at least five hundred soldiers. They were standing at attention, wearing golden chainmail. Rows and columns of them stretching off to both sides, and back into the distance until the last row of soldiers stood with their backs to the wall. They were all quite tall, and their skin had an ashy blue pallor. Jimmy took a single, graceful step that covered the forty or so feet between the wizards and the soldiers. He landed lightly and spun theatrically, his arms stretched wide. His green and gold robes swirled around him. He waved his staff over the heads of the soldiers with a flourish. “Feast your eyes upon the king’s fearsome army of Orcs!” Jimmy bellowed in triumph.

  The various wizards said various things under their breath, but Phillip summed up their feelings with a single word. “Crap.”

  Jimmy spun around again to look at his handiwork, turning his back to the wizards. “I know, right?” he said, putting his left hand on his hip and leaning heavily on his staff. “That chain mail is real gold, you know. Took me forever to produce all those little gold rings.”

  Martin was straining to process the full meaning of everything he saw. Some part of his mind gave up and decided to just take all of the problems one at a time. He was a bit surprised to hear himself yell, “You can’t make armor out of gold! It’s too soft! An axe’ll go right through it!”

  Jimmy looked back over his shoulder at Martin, and for a moment he looked concerned. Then he shrugged and said, “Ah, oh well. I can always make more.”

  Gwen asked, “More gold rings, or more soldiers?”

  “Either,” Jimmy answered. “And please, call them Orcs.”

  “No! Never! They’re not Orcs! They’re not!” Phillip shouted.

  “Well, not yet. To be honest, they’re only about ten percent of the way to their final form. I don’t dare change them any faster.” Phillip motioned to the soldier nearest to him. “You. Step forward.”

  The soldier lumbered forward. He was at least a foot taller than Jimmy, and his movements were slow and deliberate.

  “They’re still adjusting to their new size,” Jimmy explained. “Show them your teeth.” The soldier bared his teeth, large slabs of yellowed calcium with livid red gums, and more than a little blood gathered in the spaces between the teeth. “It’s quite painful, unfortunately. Not just because of the growth, either. As they get used to their new teeth, I’m afraid their cheeks and tongues take quite a bit of abuse. I deadened their pain receptors to compensate. As an added bonus, they know that if I’m unhappy the pain comes back. Keeps them obedient.”

  Jimmy turned back to face the wizards, spreading his arms wide. “Well? What do you think?”

  Phillip said, “It’s inhuman.”

  Jimmy said, “Yes.”

  “No!” Phillip said. “This, this … Jimmy! This is inhuman! This is the worst thing ever! Even I didn’t think you were capable of this! Jimmy, you have to stop! You have to change them all back!”

  “Oh, Phillip. I can’t do that. If I did, all my hard work would be wasted.”

  Phillip didn’t shout, but his voice had a hint of madness to it. “Jimmy. You will undo everything you’ve done, and then we will decide on your punishment!”

  “And if I don’t?” Jimmy asked.

  “Then we will undo what you’ve done and punish you.”

  Jimmy shook his head. “That’s not much of a choice, but you never were a very good negotiator, were you, Phillip?” he chuckled, but when it was clear that he was the only one who saw anything funny, he stopped. He took a long moment to gauge the mood of the wizards who stood as a unified block behind Phillip. “Okay, I’ll tell you what. If any of you agree with Phillip, stay there with him. If you understand what I’ve done, and see that it was the right way forward, then come stand with me.”

  Nobody, not even Eddie, moved to stand with Jimmy.

  “I see,” he said. “All righty then, Phillip. If what I’ve done is a terrible crime for which I must be punished, then I suggest you get on with it.” He laid his staff on the ground and crossed his arms in front of himself, as if waiting patiently for a police officer to handcuff him.

  Phillip walked forward. He removed his hat and muttered, “Ŝnuro, kvar metrojn,” to produce some rope. As he reached into his hat, he said, “Well, Jimmy, I won’t pretend that I’m not going to enjoy this.” Phillip reached his hand into his hat and grasped, but got nothing but a handful of air. He tried a couple more times, perplexed. He was puzzling over this when he walked face first into the invisible exclusion field between him and Jimmy. Phillip bounced off of the wall, sprawling backwards onto the grass, yelping with surprise.

  Jimmy said, “I must admit, I enjoyed that quite a bit as well.” He bent down and picked his staff back up. Martin and Gwen ran to Phillip’s side, as he lay on the ground five feet in front of where Jimmy stood. Phillip sat up, feeling his nose to see if it was broken.

  Jimmy said, “You’ll find that the entire city of Camelot is surrounded by an exclusion field, the largest ever attempted. That’s what I had to rush to get finished when Tyler turned out to be such a wuss. You’re going to love this part – the magic phrase that activated it was ‘All righty then, Phillip.’ You see, I always knew you’d turn on me someday.”

  “I turned on you years ago!” Phillip cried from his seated position on the ground.

  “You think I didn’t know that? You didn’t hide your hostility very well, Phillip.”

  “I didn’t hide it at all! I’ve been openly hostile!”

  “Well,” Jimmy sniffed, “don’t think for one minute that I was fooled by your false friendship.”

  “I hate you! I hate you! I’ve hated you openly for years!”

  “And finally, the truth comes out!”

  Phillip shouted inarticulately for a while, too mad to care that he was giving Jimmy just what he wanted. Finally he stopped, and hoisted himself to his feet, picking up his staff and hat.

  “You won’t be needing those,” Jimmy said. “I’ve disabled the shell on that side of the field. If any of you had come over to stand with me, you’d still have your powers and full access to the shell, but instead you’re cut off. The shell will ignore you as long as you’re out there. So, pretty much for the rest of your lives.”

  Martin shouted, “You won’t get away with this, Jimmy!”

  “I’ve already gotten away with it. It just took you cretins this long to notice. And my name is Merlin!” Jimmy composed himself, then continued. “Of course, since the shell doesn’t work at all out there, I can’t use magic against you either.”

  None of the wizards on the wrong side of the barrier were surprised when Jimmy continued, “So, I’ll just have to sic my Orcs on you instead!”

  Phillip was in a full rage. “They aren’t Orcs, you idiot! Just because you call something something, doesn’t make it … it!”

  Jimmy shook his head. “Oh, Phillip. You’ve always lacked imagination, as that last sentence proved.”

  Chapter 26.

  The wizards quickly discovered that having free access to all of the food, shelter, and money you could ever want, and the ability to teleport and fly, was not conducive to good cardiovascular health. They didn’t know for sure if disabling the shell had rendered them just as prone to injury as a non-wizard, but not one of them chose to stick around and find out. The wizards ran less than a hundred feet before most of them were winded. Also, due to the unevenness of the field through which they were running, most of them almost immediately pulled, wrenched, or twisted
some part of their anatomy. Martin was among the most physically fit among them, but that was only because he had arrived most recently. The wizards were running for their lives, and were doing a terrible job of it.

  Luckily, the Orcs weren’t doing much better. At Merlin’s order all five hundred of them advanced on the now-powerless wizards, but they moved clumsily, grumbling as they did. Clearly, the process of turning into Orcs was even more uncomfortable than Merlin had let on. This was good, because it meant the wizards had some chance of escape. It was bad in that it meant that if they were captured, the Orcs would be in the mood for revenge.

  Martin noticed that he was pulling away from the pack, and fought his natural instinct to widen the gap. Instead, he took the opportunity to slow a bit and look behind him. The little band of wizards had a lead on the Orcs, but Martin knew it wouldn’t last. The wizards had accelerated well, but they couldn’t keep it up for long, and while the solid wall of Orcs was slow, he saw no reason to believe it would get any slower. Martin looked to the tree line, still hundreds of yards away. He didn’t think the wizards would make it. Several of them were already clutching at their sides. Even if they did reach the forest, there was no reason to think that the Orcs wouldn’t chase them into it. Really, the forest would most likely just split the wizards up and make them easier to capture.

  Martin felt his imp box with his smartphone inside rattling around in his robe pocket and beating against his left hip as he ran. It was maddening. His robe, his hat, his staff, his phone. All of them had been so powerful just ten minutes ago, but now they were as useless as if the shell had never existed.

  Hang on, Martin thought. My phone could do stuff before Phillip told me about the shell. That’s how I got here! He risked turning around and running backwards for a moment.

  “Hey, Phil,” he yelled. “He said he disabled the shell, right?”

  Phillip was badly winded and losing speed. He spoke between huge gulps of air. “Yeah … so … what?”