Kat Got Your Tongue

by Lee Weatherly

  ‘I don't know.’ My voice sounded completely flat.

  The smile dropped from her face. ‘Kathy, it's your dad!'

  ‘Oh.’ I slowly took the photo from her. My dad. He was a stocky brown-haired man with intense eyes. The word proud popped into my head. And he looked strong, like if you started to drown in the ocean he'd dive in and rescue you.

  Rainey gave a forced laugh, trying to make a joke out of it. ‘Oh dear, you don't even know your dad! Never mind, we—'

  My hand trembled, and I threw the photo down onto the pile. ‘No! I don't! I don't know any of you, OK?'

  Beth looked pained. ‘Kat—'

  I jumped up, scattering albums and photos. ‘No! Just leave me alone, why can't you!'

  Nana stood up in a single motion, smoothing her palms over her trousers. ‘Kathy, would you like to come for a walk with me? I rather fancy some fresh air.'

  There was a canal not far from their house, it turned out. Nana and I walked along the towpath in silence, our feet squelching in the soft mud. The water lapped against the edges of the path as I breathed in the crisp March air, looking at the winter skeletons of the trees.

  ‘It must be so pretty here in the springtime,’ I said.

  Nana nodded, tilting her head back as she looked at the trees. ‘Yes. I rather like it all year round, actually.’ A log had fallen across the path, and Nana climbed over it, holding one of the branches down for me as I followed her.

  She glanced at me. ‘You know, people will always want to focus on the whys and wherefores – but the most important thing isn't so much what happened then, but what you do now.'

  I frowned. ‘What do you mean?'

  A strand of greying hair fell across her forehead. ‘Well, it seems to me that you've been given a great gift, in a way.'

  My jaw dropped. A gift? She was barking! ‘But I don't know anything about who I am! I'm just this – this void. Beth is always trying to get me to remember things, and I can't, and then she gets upset, and it's all just completely awful!’ The words came spilling out, like a waterfall crashing over rocks.

  Nana shook her head. ‘Oh, Kathy, of course it's difficult! But think about it; you're seeing life in a way few people ever get to – completely unencumbered by all the baggage we normally carry. New, fresh; like you've only just been born.'

  I didn't have an answer to that. Finally I turned away, watching a leaf swirl its way down the canal. Nana stood beside me, her shoulder almost touching mine as we watched it dip and turn with the current.

  New, I thought. Fresh. I tipped my head back and looked at the sky.

  ‘I wish—’ I stopped abruptly. A small brown bird landed in a tangle of bracken on the bank, and stood twittering at us, bobbing its tail up and down.

  Nana looked at me. ‘What?'

  I had been about to say that I wished I could live here with Nana instead of with Beth, but that probably wouldn't go down too well. Beth was Nana's daughter, after all. And it was a mad thought anyway. I seriously would not want to live in the same house with Grandad Jim.

  ‘I just – I wonder what my dad was like,’ I said. I looked quickly at her. I hadn't expected to say that, but now that I had, it was true.

  Nana was silent for a long moment, watching the water move lazily past. A small muscle in her jaw moved. ‘Your father could be the most charming man on the planet,’ she said finally. ‘Certainly Beth thought so when she married him. We all did.'

  A thread of steel ran through her voice. I opened my mouth to ask what she meant, and then closed it again. I wasn't sure I wanted to know.

  Nana seemed to stir from somewhere deep within herself. She smiled, and touched my shoulder. ‘Come on. We should probably get back now; we've been gone a long time.'

  ‘Right, now this is the tricky part,’ said Richard. ‘Once you've got their card on top of the deck you have to palm it, like this.’ He held up his hand, showing me the deck. Then, with a twitch of his little finger, the top card popped up and cupped itself against his palm.

  ‘I'll never be able to do that!’ I said. We were sitting on the lounge floor, the TV on in the background. Beth sat on the sofa behind us, flipping through a knitting magazine and trying not to look like she was listening to every word.

  ‘Sure you will,’ said Richard. ‘It's not as hard as it looks. Here, take the deck and hold it like this.’ He arranged my hand around the deck. ‘Got it? Right, now press your little finger against the top right corner and pull the card towards you.'

  I pulled the card towards me. The deck seemed to explode in my hand, with cards fluttering all around my feet. ‘That's not exactly what you meant, is it?’ I said.

  He laughed. ‘Well, you won't get it in a day; you have to practise. Come on, again.'

  I glanced over at the TV as I swept the cards together. Some sort of school programme was on – a group of girls in green uniforms stood clustered together in a corridor, talking excitedly. Poppy and Jade, I thought, and twisted round.

  ‘Beth, I was just wondering – did you ring Poppy's mum?'

  Her chin jerked up. She stared at me from over the top of the magazine, her eyes wide and startled. ‘What?'

  I blinked, confused. ‘Um … I was just wondering if …’ I trailed off, realizing that I had called her Beth.

  She put down the magazine. Her cheeks were red. She started to say something, and then stopped, biting her lip.

  ‘Sorry,’ I whispered. ‘It just – popped out.'

  She shook her head quickly. ‘No, no, that's OK … I mean, if that's what you want to call me.’ She tried to smile. ‘Sorry … what did you ask me?'

  Sprawled out on the floor across from me, Richard sat very still, gazing at Beth with concern. Guilt punched me. How could I have been so stupid?

  Beth was still looking at me, waiting.

  ‘Um … I was just wondering about Poppy and Jade,’ I said, fiddling with a card. ‘Whether they're coming over or not.'

  She nodded. ‘Yes, I meant to tell you – they're coming tomorrow afternoon. Poppy's mum is going to bring Jade over as well. Excuse me, I – I just think I'll get a cup of tea.'

  She jumped up from the sofa and disappeared into the kitchen. Richard unfolded himself quickly from the floor and went after her, squeezing my shoulder as he went.

  I sat there among the brightly coloured cards, staring down at them. The kings and queens and jacks were all scattered, facing in different directions. I gathered the deck together and put it away. I didn't feel like practising any more.

  Chapter Eight

  Kathy

  29 January

  I think Mum said something to Richard, because he hasn't been talking to me as much since yesterday. He still smiles at me, but he's stopped making his stupid jokes and trying to show me his card tricks all the time. Thank God.

  I went for a swim this afternoon. I sort of thought I might see Poppy at the pool, since she goes on Sundays sometimes, but I didn't. I wasn't really looking out for her anyway – I was concentrating on my swimming. I did thirty-two lengths.

  30 January

  I'm trying really hard to show a happy face at school now, since it's obvious that I won't have any friends left soon if I don't. It seems to be working, sort of. I sat with Poppy and Jade and Tina at lunch today, and pretended everything was wonderful and I was having a fantastic time. I don't know if I managed to convince myself of it, but everyone else looked pleased.

  I seriously wish Mrs Boucher had picked someone else for Tina's FAB buddy, though. She's so stuck on herself! I don't know why Poppy and Jade can't see it. Why do they think she's so great? She just goes on about her wonderful perfect father, and the violin. Every other word that comes out of her mouth is, ‘I'm so artistic, I'm so wonderful, me me me!'

  It's actually really weird, because Jade is usually the last person to put up with that sort of rubbish. I wonder why she can't see it in Tina??

  Anyway, I pretended that I like Tina as much as Poppy and Jade do, and the fou
r of us had a really good laugh over lunch, even if Tina did keep blabbing on about her wonderful life. (Yes, thank you, we're all so interested!)

  Jade nudged me as we were throwing our rubbish away, and said, ‘See? It's not so hard, is it?’ I told her I didn't know what she was talking about. But at least we're all getting on again, and if Tina has to be included in that, then I guess I'll just have to deal with it.

  31 January

  Still keeping up the happy face at school. I'm not bothering much at home, though.

  ‘Home', that's a laugh. It doesn't feel like my home any more. I can't go anywhere in the house without Richard being there. Mum and I used to watch TV together at night, and we never do any more, because I can't stomach the sight of her curled up with lover-boy on the settee. They don't kiss or anything in front of me, but—

  That was SO close! Mum walked in just as I was writing that last line. I had Cat out from his hiding place, and I just barely managed to shove him under my pillow before Mum saw. She definitely saw that I was writing in a journal, though, and I could tell she was ACHING to know what about, even though she pretended to be all laid-back and casual. She said there was a special about penguins on, and did I want to come watch it. I used to really like penguins.

  I told her maybe later (trying to sound pleasant), and she looked like she wanted to say something else, but then finally she left. I've put Cat back in his hiding place now. It just would not be worth the aggro if Mum ever saw him. There would be so many questions, and it's nothing to do with her, actually.

  I'll have to find a better hiding place for this journal too. I don't trust her not to go snooping around and trying to read it, though of course she'd say she just happened to see it by mistake, or only read it because she was so worried about me.

  Maybe I will go and watch some of that special. So long as I can sit far away from the lovebirds and don't have to talk to them.

  1 February

  Tina's asked Poppy, Jade and me to sleep over at her house on Friday night. Poppy and Jade are both so excited they're practically jumping up and down. I acted excited too, but said I wasn't sure if I could, and I'd have to ask Mum. Jade laughed and said, ‘Are you mad? OF COURSE she'll say yes, she'd probably kill to get a night alone with Richard!'

  Which made me feel even worse.

  2 February

  Tina's father dropped her off at school today, and we all got to meet him. He looks really young, and he has long blond hair in a ponytail! He was OK, I guess. I mean, he said hello to us and seemed friendly enough, but he was nothing to write home about.

  Poppy and Jade were completely smitten, of course. After he drove off they kept gushing on about how nice he is, and how lucky Tina is. And Tina, totally stuck on herself as usual, gave this big grin and said, ‘I know.’ It was all I could do not to say something really sarcastic to her.

  The urge got worse as the day went on, because the big topic of conversation today was the sleepover at Tina's tomorrow night. I'm not joking, every last detail has been discussed. What we'll be eating, doing, even thinking! They're planning on getting a pizza and renting some DVDs, plus Tina said that she and her dad have a set of bongos and some castanets and stuff, and we can all have a midnight jam session! With her on the violin, of course.

  Poppy and Jade have never been into music before – I mean, not into playing it – but they were falling all over themselves about how much FUN that sounded. Hurrah, we'll get to listen to Tina on the violin, showing off.

  I felt like telling them that she can't be that good, she's only grade three! But they don't even know that I used to play, and there's no way I'm going to mention it to them. They'd ask loads of questions, and I really don't want to explain any of it.

  I haven't asked Mum yet about tomorrow night. I don't want to go, to be honest – I get enough of Tina at school. But I didn't want anyone to think I was sulking again, so when Poppy asked me if I had told Mum about it yet, I said yes, and that she was thinking it over. Then Jade gave me a funny look and asked what she had to think about.

  ‘I don't know,’ I said. ‘I guess she's worried because she doesn't know Tina's dad. She can be sort of funny about that kind of thing.'

  Which was a mistake, because then Tina said, ‘Oh, that's no problem, my dad can ring her.’ So I had to back-pedal like mad, and say she'd probably say yes after all, and the best thing to do was just leave her alone and she'd come around.

  Jade kept saying, ‘No, ring her now, let's get it sorted so you can come!’ WHY does she always have to stick her nose in?! Finally I told them that Mum wasn't home today, and that her mobile's broken. I'm not sure if Jade believed me. I saw her raising her eyebrows at Poppy.

  She made me promise to ask Mum again the second I saw her tonight. Which I haven't done – I've been home for hours now, and I haven't mentioned it to her.

  I don't think I'm going to go, actually. I've got sort of a stomach-ache, I think I'm coming down with something. In fact, I think I should probably just stay in bed tomorrow.

  3 February

  I got a text from Jade at 10.20 a.m. on the dot (morning break!), asking why I wasn't in school. I texted back that I had a virus, and Mum was making me stay at home. And that I was really, really upset that I couldn't make the party tonight.

  She wrote back: YR FAKING IT, AREN'T U?

  And I said: NO, HONEST! FEEL AWFUL. SAY SOZ 2 TINA FOR ME.

  Then she wrote: OK, C U MONDAY THEN, so I think she believed me. Hopefully. Besides, I really am ill! My stomach's been hurting like mad all last night and today. Even Mum believed me, and I can't fake anything past her.

  Anyway, what a fab day. A good rest, just what I needed. I'm lying snuggled up on the settee in my dressing gown now, covered up with the spare duvet and watching TV (Richard's at work, hurrah!). Mum's been popping downstairs every hour or so between her phone appointments to see how I am. It feels nice, like it's just the two of us again. She's just made me some of her herbal tea to settle my stomach. Most of them are foul, but some of the berry ones are OK.

  Later

  Richard brought me a bunch of flowers home from work! He gave them to me with a big flourish and said, ‘Hope you feel better soon.’ I could feel my cheeks go all red, how stupid is that?! I wanted to say, ‘Nice try at buying my affections, better luck next time.’ Instead I just mumbled, ‘Thank you.’ Mum made a big fuss over how pretty they are, and put them in a vase for me. They're by my bed now – roses and daises and some other flowers. They are sort of pretty, I guess. But he's still a jerk.

  It's after 10.00 at night now, so I guess everyone's having a fantastic time at Tina's. I'm SO glad that I'm ill and couldn't go.

  I'd sort of like to hear Tina play the violin, though. Just to see if she's any good.

  4 February

  I've gone back to bed. I thought I was fine this morning, so Mum let me go into town, but I seriously wish I had stayed home, even with Richard there all day. When she picked me up this afternoon I told her that I probably hadn't been well enough after all, and she felt my forehead and said that I was a bit flushed.

  So now I'm curled up in bed, trying not to cry. I won't, though. Mum could walk in with some tea or something for me any second.

  What's wrong with me?! It's not like anything bad happened! I was just wandering around, looking at the shops. It felt so weird being in town on a Saturday by myself. Usually I've got Poppy and Jade with me, and we end up in Ben & Jerry's, seeing who can get the weirdest combination of flavours. I didn't go in there today, because obviously I wasn't about to sit stuffing my face with ice cream on my own.

  Somehow I ended up in the old part of town. We don't usually go there because the shops are awful, but since I was there I bought a sausage roll at the bakery. And then I just happened to be passing by the music shop, and since I didn't have anything better to do I went inside.

  There were a bunch of boys in there drooling over the guitars, but no one I knew. The violins were on display in the b
ack, on these special stands. Some of them were just so beautiful – gleaming this rich, warm brown colour. Then the man in the shop asked me if I played, and I said no and got out in a hurry.

  I don't know why I went in there. It was stupid, it's nothing to do with me any more. And now, for some mad reason, I can't stop thinking of this recital I gave when I was ten. The Brahms piece keeps going through my head, over and over. It was really lovely. I used to know it inside out. I still do, in my head.

  Why did Dad say that? Why? I had worked so hard, and I thought I did really well. Mrs Patton, my teacher, thought so too. She gave me this massive hug when I got off stage, and said, ‘Well done!'

  But then no one said anything in the car on the way home, there was just this awful silence. Until finally Dad said it: ‘You know, I've never liked classical music much. God, it's boring.'

  Mum's cheeks got really red, but she stood up for me, going on about how well I had done, and how could he say that. I just sat in the back, hardly even moving – it was like I had turned to stone. I didn't know if he was going to smack her, or what. I was gripping my violin case, and I remember feeling so exposed and naked holding it – like, here I am with my little violin, how utterly sad. A small part of me actually felt sorry for my violin too, like Dad had hurt its feelings or something.

  Daft daft daft.

  Anyway, I keep thinking about that. I don't know why. OK, Dad was being a jerk, but I've got loads of memories of him being a jerk, so why this particular one is bothering me so much, I don't know.

  I am crying now. Bugger.

  Chapter Nine

  Kat

  Kat

  Discarded tops lay around my room – one on the bed, one hanging off the back of the chair, one draped over the computer where I had thrown it.

  I pawed through my wardrobe, the coat hangers clicking together. I didn't really know why I was still looking. I already knew exactly what was in there, and unless helpful little clothes fairies had visited during the night, it wouldn't have changed.