Motherhood across Borders

by Gabrielle Oliveira

  Other children in her class asked her how she was always so well dressed and had the best costumes for the dance performances in school. Tina answered, “I have a rich mamá that sends me gifts all the time.” A girl asked her, “Really, you don’t need to do anything for her to give you all these gifts, with my mamá here I have to clean the entire house!” Tina replied, “I tell her about my grades and how the professors here love me … right maestro Felipe, don’t you think I am a good student and deserve all the gifts and more?” The teacher looked at me and whispered under his breath, “That’s not the way to bring up your daughter.”

  Brianna and Ronald worked hard to provide financial stability for their children, and proof of that was sending gifts and money. The three sisters became accustomed to receiving gifts. The last time I visited them, I brought with me a suitcase with tennis shoes, t-shirts, dresses, and toys from their parents. The three sisters went through the suitcase and picked out the things they liked and the things they did not like. After a few minutes looking at all the gifts they started arguing with each other:

  TINA: My mother told me she sent me an orange shirt, she told me that just yesterday on the phone.

  ASHLEY: This orange shirt doesn’t even fit you; it’s for older girls not a baby like you.

  TINA: I don’t care! I go to school and I need the clothes to dance at my next performance. It’s mine! She told me. She told me!

  Tina ended up with the orange shirt and as she sobbed and sat on her grandmother’s lap, she said:

  I don’t understand mamá Leila (grandmother), my mamá Brianna promised me that if I went to school and was a good student she would give me everything … does that mean that she won’t give me the doll house? Yo hice mucha tarea, mamá Leila, mucha (I did so much homework, so much).

  There was anxiety on Tina’s part to know whether or not her “efforts” would be compensated. Tina was only seven years old and she was focused on the almost weekly reward she would receive because she was a “good” student. On the other side of the border I accompanied Brianna many times as she rushed through streets to find what Tina had asked her for. Brianna’s worry was clear, “She will not trust me anymore and worse than that she will use it [not receiving gifts] to blackmail me and she will start missing school, because her grandmother feels bad about forcing her!”

  Boys were also materially compensated for performance, but the effect was not necessarily as positive, as illustrated by the case of Agustín. Then 14-year-old Agustín lived with his maternal grandmother, Clarisa, in a small village in the state of Hidalgo. His mother, Sara, lived in New York City with her 4-year-old son, Felipe, and worked as a nanny, as previously described. Sara left Agustín in 2002, when he was six years old. After four years she returned to Hidalgo for six months. She then left Agustín behind once again. Agustín lived in a big renovated house built by his mother and her siblings, who continued to maintain it through monthly remittances. One day, as I was visiting, Agustín locked himself in his room in the morning and said he did not want to go school.

  Figure 5.1. Tina, Fernanda, and their cousin Cece opening gifts sent by Brianna and Ronald.

  From the other side of the door, his grandmother told him, “Hijo, how can you waste your future like this? Don’t you want to make your mother proud? Remember, hijo, that’s why she left.” Minutes later Agustín opened the door in his uniform and was ready to go. As we got to the school his teacher, who was also the principal, called him into her office.

  She told him that he was going to fail eighth grade. Agustín turned to his teacher and asked her, “How am I going to explain this to my mamá?” Later, during a meal, Agustín told me, “She [Sara] doesn’t know me. I want to stay home and watch movies. She is not here … she only wants to know about school.” Indeed, school performance was Agustín’s currency with his mother. To discipline him, Sara withheld gifts like tennis shoes, video games, DVDs, etc. Therefore, upon talking to the principal, Agustín quickly thought about how his mother would be disappointed in him and also about how he would not receive the gifts he looked forward to. Though Sara threatened to withhold gifts from Agustín, she ended up sending him all of them regardless of school performance. Sara’s expectations of school achievement were pushed back by her “idea” of what a young man should be able to do.

  In the cases of Tina and Agustín, school performance was rewarded with gifts sent from the United States. Tina was frustrated because she felt that she did what was asked in terms of school achievement, but she did not receive what was promised. In contrast, Agustín knew that Sara would send the gifts even if he did not do well in school, something that Tina was not sure about—perhaps because of her younger age. Also, a pattern emerged through the different stories of Brian and Agustín. Though they were different ages and had different relationships with their mothers, their mothers wanted them to be successful at school. However, these boys were aware of their power within the relationship with their mothers and grandmothers and knew they could “get away” with not doing well in school.

  Positive Schooling Experiences in Mexico: Daniela and Carolina

  According to a 2006 UNICEF report about Latin America and the Caribbean, boys generally have higher repetition rates and lower academic achievement levels than girls, and in some countries, a higher rate of absenteeism. Some have argued that girls, even in their most vulnerable situations, tend to perform better academically since the school functions as a space for liberation, as illustrated by Daniela’s case. At the time of our interview, she was 15, had been separated from her mother for more than a decade, and had a difficult relationship with her grandfather, who was reported to be an alcoholic.

  Daniela told me that in the past he had hit her and her grandmother. I asked Daniela if she had ever tried to speak to Gemma, her mother in New York, about the incidents. Daniela replied to me, “Yes, she calls and talks to him about it and then has to change topics because he starts to say ugly things to her … like … ‘who do you think you are? You left the father of your daughter and now you live far away.’ ” Daniela described her last few years and put emphasis on how school helped her “forget” about her feelings of abandonment and rejection: “It feels good to be good at something … everyone compliments you … doing homework and going to school get my mind off of thinking about bad things.” I asked Daniela what those bad things were:

  G: What do you mean by “bad things”?

  D: I was really depressed when I was 11 years old. I couldn’t even bathe myself … I felt worthless. I know my grandmother was thinking about putting me in a place for crazy people.

  G: Why do you say that?

  D: Because I heard her talking to Gemma on the phone and telling her that I didn’t do anything around the house, that I wasn’t independent. So I thought my mamá … I mean Gemma, also did not want me.

  G: How did you feel then?

  D: I was very confused and I reached out and started talking to my father and his family … I wanted to go live with him. I wanted to be with one of my parents and my own mother was so far away with a different family and different husband … I felt very depressed. I don’t … I mean I didn’t understand why my mother would leave and not want me.

  G: Do you understand now why she left?

  D: Now I kind of do … she is busy there in El Norte. She works, works, works all the time. I know she doesn’t have an easy life and she helps me a lot with school stuff.

  A few minutes later Daniela told me,

  I finally feel like … like I am worth something. I like that if I put effort into something I do well … and I know Gemma and my mamá are proud of me, they talk about it all the time. And when I am reading books and learning English I think about all the things I want to do in my life and when I’m in school even though girls gossip so much and talk about me not having a real father and mother I get to think about me.

  Fifteen-year-old Carolina (who lived in Puebla), daughter of Lucia (who lived in South Bronx), res
isted going with her mother to the United States because she wanted to stay in Mexico and at least finish eighth grade. Carolina told me her mother wanted her to go to the United States because her mother believed that schools were better there. She said, “She doesn’t understand that I like school here. I like to study, I like math, social studies. I get good grades too. Ask my aunt!” In this case there was a match in the educational expectation between mother and daughter, although there was a difference of opinion regarding where that should occur.

  Conclusion

  The expectations mothers in New York City develop about their children in Mexico are a direct result of their migration. In their minds, they rationalize migration as a way to provide for their children and to give them better lives. On the other hand, once they have children in the United States they assess it as a country that will “take care” of their children’s education. They do not expect as great an achievement from children in the United States because, according to them, they do not have to perform extremely well to succeed in life, since they already have the chance of success because they live in and are citizens of the country. In addition, parents do not think they are apt to help and assist their children in the American school system. As in the cases previously explored in the book, parents struggle with language, legal status, work schedule, and an overwhelming feeling of being impotent when facing a teacher at a New York City public school.

  Different motivations informed the educational expectations held by mothers and grandmothers. Mothers in New York wanted their daughters to excel not only because of their justification of why they left Mexico in the first place, but also so they could experience a life that they themselves did not have.

  When I was growing up I had to beg my father to let me go to school, he did not let me. I don’t know how to read and write. Since my daughter went to the United States she talks more about making sure my granddaughter Daniela not only finishes school, but go on to college … I think she sees how in El Norte there is a lot more money and I think it’s because people go to school.

  Though grandmothers reinforced the message conveyed by mothers, they did so to show allegiance and loyalty to their own daughters in New York. As I have mentioned before, all but one caregiver did not compete with mothers for the post of central decision-makers in the lives of children and youth. Grandmothers used school and education also as a way to “keep an eye” on and have more control of girls’ whereabouts.

  The education and schooling expectations of mothers in New York City were gendered with regard to their children in Mexico, but not with regard to their children in the United States. Caregivers in Mexico held on to gender ideologies: They believed in a specific division of labor in the house and they believed that there was a difference in the physical freedom boys and girls should enjoy, but in all cases grandmothers protected their grandsons, while enforcing a curfew and mobility rules for their granddaughters. Caregivers and grandmothers were extremely careful with girls. Curfews were enforced and there were clear boundaries regarding boyfriends. Mothers constantly warned against pregnancy; as Ester, a grandmother, explained, “People already think she will find a boyfriend in school and get pregnant and drop out. Not on my watch!”

  Such issues have been discussed in the literature on gender and schooling. In many ways mothers and grandmothers vouch for schooling as a direct stepping stone to finding “better opportunities” or jobs that will eventually pay their children more than what they themselves have earned. There is a mixed effect of the different ideas discussed in this chapter: gender ideologies associated with what is masculine and what is feminine, expectations from migrant mothers fueled by the motivation behind their departure in the first place, and the ideology behind what is “good” and “advanced” related to finishing high school and ideally moving on to college.

  Girls interacted with their migrant mothers on a daily and weekly basis and the fact that they belonged to a care constellation that is structurally organized across a transnational terrain contributed to their efforts and motivations related to school achievement. Adely (2012) shows in her work that education is central to the narratives of young women. Even though in Jordan much of the discourse around education is tied to economic progress, Adely shows that the schooling experience for young women is less attached to economic benefits and more aligned with ideas about living a pious life and appropriate and respectful gender roles. Bartlett (2003) describes education for young women as a space of deliberation in their lives, as part and parcel of the national and local ideals of a developed woman, and as a project with substantial material implications.

  Murphy-Graham (2012) explains that education, for women, can be a way of recognizing one’s own worth and the importance of the individual. According to Murphy-Graham, this process of empowerment makes women believe they have the ability to contribute to personal and social betterment.

  Most of the girls in this research had intense domestic work chores, so the fact that mothers in New York placed such expectations on their academic performance gave them something tangible to work for and provided caregivers and mothers with the constant subject of academic achievement; this context made a difference in terms of the academic achievement of girls in Mexico. I observed conversations between mothers and daughters via Skype, telephone, Facebook, and text messages that would always start and end with discussions about school. It is also true that conversations between mothers and their sons included topics related to school performance; however, the effect that school performance expectations had on girls and on boys was different. Differences also existed across age groups, with teenagers being keen on finding ways “out” of the small pueblo they lived in and younger girls wanting their mother’s approval and support.

  Measuring academic performance of girls and boys around the world has been the mission of different international agencies as well as local and federal governments. Much of education policy comes from the type of “hard data” produced by elaborate regressions, large samples, and longitudinal studies. In this chapter my aim was to discuss what these reports do not assess: the particularities of these constellations and how relationships across borders have consequences not only on how boys and girls experience schooling, but also on how they fare academically. My choices of having a child- or youth-centered approach and focusing on the narratives that girls and boys use to describe their education experiences was not by chance. Educational attainment helps to bond (for better or for worse) the pieces of the constellation. If care is what holds a constellation together in their everyday lives, education and schooling are the topics of conversation that give mothers, caregivers, and children hope for a future together.

  INTERLUDE 6

  Letter to Carlitos

  During my very first fieldwork visit to Mexico in the summer of 2010, I arrived at the house where I would be staying in the suburbs of the city of Puebla and shared my first meal with my “host” family. I described what I wanted to study in Mexico. In addition, I told them I wanted to look into the role of caregivers and the relationship of these children with their mothers. Julio, my host, went to his library and came back with a letter, dated 1972, from his sister to her son, then a five-year-old boy. His sister Yuli, age 24 at the time, was part of the student revolutionary movement that had begun in 1968 in Mexico. This movement was still fighting against the government army in 1972 and Yuli left her son, Carlitos, to participate in the armed fight that year. Reading this letter on that first day of fieldwork, I noticed how similar this mother’s narrative was to my research findings about caregiving and school expectations.

  The letter read (translated from Spanish to English):

  Dear Carlitos,

  It will make me very happy if you receive this letter and if with this letter you can feel how much I love you. Always remember that while I’m alive wherever I am I think of you. And if I’m not with you right now, please know that it makes me sad. I want you to live in a different environment fro
m what exists right now, where all people are good and love one another. I want you to be happy and surrounded by happy people, and to achieve this for you and for other kids I need to be working far away from you.

  My hijito (little boy) I know that you may suffer sometimes because you are not with me, but always remember this: Tere and Julio are my parents, they took care of me when I was a little girl and now they are taking care of you, my son, and because of that you must love them like you love me. Be obedient to them, don’t do bad things, don’t be rude. Please be a good boy and you will see how everybody is going to love you, because everyone likes the good boys and you are a very good boy.

  When people fool you and tell you that you are a bad kid, don’t believe them because you are a noble little boy. What is happening is that life has put you in a different condition than of other kids. And this should make you a hombrecito (little man). I know you love me a lot, and because of this love you should pay attention to what I tell you. I also want you to be the best in your class. I know you can because you are very intelligent and it won’t be hard for you. Just put a little effort every day and do your homework. Be neat with your notebooks, ask your grandparents to cut your fingernails and toe nails. Be organized and you will see how your teachers will appreciate you more and you will like school every day more. For me it is extremely important that you study. For you to come work with me you need to be a very good student.

  I don’t want you to be a troublemaker or selfish, but at the same time don’t ever let people treat you unjustly. Don’t let the older kids treat you bad and at the same time don’t ever treat the young ones bad.

  Always remember that you are the person that I love the most in my life, you are my treasure and I wish you all the best. It hurts me too to be away from you, but we don’t always have the life we want, sometimes you have to fulfill duties and right now our country needs people working to make this society a new one, and just like you there are many little boys that have their parents away and some of them don’t even have the grandparents and they are sad. Think that you are OK because you have Julio and Tere, you have my sisters that I know are always going to be there for you.