by J. L. Beck
“I mean, I know you lost John and your mother, but you have me now and our biological father. He wants to meet you.” The way he says it makes it seem like I should be happy. I should understand and accept it. To be grateful to have lost so much because I’ve gained two people.
Taking a few deep breaths, I rein in my anger, knowing it’s misplaced with Jared. It’s not his fault my parents are dead. He has been nothing but kind to me.
“How? How did this happen? What the fuck took place for this lie to spiral years and years out of control?”
Smiling, Jared stands. Where the fuck is he going? “Tell me everything,” I cry out as he walks into the open kitchen and grabs a bottle of something with brown contents. My guess is whiskey.
“I think we need this,” he says, walking back into the room to hand me the bottle. He has no fucking clue. Unscrewing the bottle cap, I tip the bottle back and take a huge swig.
The sweet whiskey hits my senses, and instead of a burn, I feel a deep warmth radiate through my insides, settling deep in my belly. The drink calms me slightly, so I decide to take another swig.
“Let me start at the beginning…” Jared says, watching me wipe away the excess whiskey. I sit the bottle on the table as Enzo emerges from the bedroom, coming to a stand behind Jared.
“John and James–our biological father–are estranged brothers, but it wasn’t always like that. Your mother married John when they were young, and they were happy at first, but John’s job as a police officer changed him. James was always on the wrong side of the law while John took his job a little too close to heart, and I think that’s what broke him at the end. I think he realized that nothing is as simple as good and bad, black and white. He ended up with a case involving the King Family.” Jared pauses, looking between Enzo and me. Have we been connected to one another since before our own births?
“Many of his own men, people he considered to be his best friends, were dying left and right. Killed mostly in the line of duty, but because there were many problems in the family back then, most died trying to take down The King Empire. During that time, John started working with the FBI, and that’s when John and your mother’s marriage turned dark. As he became more and more consumed with finding out what he could with the King family, his mind turned dark. Verbal abuse turned into physical abuse, and eventually, your mom was running. Running from a life she felt she had caused.”
“Wait. My mom felt she caused all these problems?” I can’t even wrap my head around this. My mother couldn’t be to blame. Then again, I thought John was a perfect angel. It was all a lie.
“Just listen,” Jared continues. “Then your mom fell pregnant with you. Now, I say fell because it wasn’t a planned pregnancy. Your mother had been seeing James behind John’s back. Most of the time, it was just out of comfort but eventually, it morphed into so much more. Anyway, John came home and found out about your mother’s affair. She had to tell him she was pregnant. He would have found out anyway. And thus, this started the long war of hate between the two brothers.
“Now, I’m not sure if the abuse stopped, but your mother broke off all contact with James. Told him to leave her alone. Maybe John simply made her keep it secret, or he actually changed. I do know that he did threaten to take you away if she ever told him. John later discovered our father was working for the King family. This only fueled his rage more. So, when your mother died, he used you. He made an agreement with Lorenzo putting you in the line of fire. He knew what he was doing. He just wasn’t seeing it for all it was… His need for vengeance and revenge was more important than his love for a child who was never his,” Jared finishes, and I can’t help but grab the bottle of whiskey again. This is too much.
Are there even words to describe how I’m feeling? Enzo killed John—someone I considered to be my father, but had he deserved it all along? Had he really beat my mother? Had he hurt the person I loved most and then used me for revenge?
The whiskey warmed me all over again as my insides burned like fire. “This is so fucked up,” I whisper into the air. Sitting the whiskey back down on the table, I look over at both of them.
“How did you find all this out?”
Jared smirks. “Well, asshole over here couldn’t handle losing you. He needed something to hold onto. I went to my father to do a little digging, and he told me. Turns out, on your mother’s death bed, she let our father know. She told him everything.”
I stare deeply into Enzo’s eyes. In them, I can see the flames of fire flickering back and forth. He did come for me. He wanted to save me. He may have been a man of death who held pain and heartache, but he knew love. After all, his vengeance was fueled by his love for his mother.
I take a deep breath, trying to digest all of it. It felt like one of those huge pills you had to take when you were sick. The bigger the pill, the harder it is to swallow.
“Let me recap, John and James are brothers. My mom married John, cheated on him with James because John was abusive. She then ended up pregnant with me, but only managed to stay with John because he said he would take me away. John’s anger stemmed from his brother working for Enzo’s family, who had killed numerous colleagues of his who had tried to bring them down. My mom never told James until she was dying. John took my mom’s death as a perfect chance to get revenge and made a deal with the new king of the family, knowing if his life were on the line, I would step in?” My mind is reeling. I feel like my life has been a complete lie, nothing but a charade.
All of this explains a lot but not soon enough. I should’ve known these things all along. I should’ve been told these things from the start. Times like now made me wish my mother was still here. Tears threaten to escape my eyes, but I force them back. I’ve been strong this far, I could go the extra mile, right?
“It’s okay to be frustrated and angry about it. I know I was, our father was, Enzo was.” Is he trying to justify the lies?
“It’s not okay. It’s not okay I was fed lies from the start, and it’s not okay I missed out on nearly twenty years of my life.” My words twist the knife in my chest. Saying them out loud makes it more real, more painful.
“Stop, Amara,” Enzo commands. He knows I’m right there, right on the edge of a cliff ready to jump. I’m feral with rage.
“No. You know nothing. You don’t know what it’s like. You don’t know how much it hurts,” I cry out as my hands grip my hair. It was all a lie. A big huge fucking lie. It feels like everyone I’ve ever known is laughing in my face.
Enzo crosses the room to sit next to me. I turn away from him, but he only scoots closer.
“Shhh,” Enzo whispers in my ear as I lift my head. I have no words. Nothing can fix this mess, nothing will make this go away.
“I can’t believe…” I say in disbelief, repeating the same sentence over and over again in my mind.
“You can believe it. You will believe it. You will acknowledge it and move on because you’re stronger than this. You have lost so much, but you have gained so much, too.” My tears finally escape my eyes as they slide down my cheeks like the truths that slip from Jared’s mouth.
“I’m not strong enough to do this,” I cry and let Enzo pull me into his chest, allowing him to cradle me. I don’t even care anymore. I don’t care that I am breaking down in front of Jared. I don’t care that I’m letting Enzo soothe me. I can’t cope with this anymore. I can’t handle the pain that’s coursing through my body.
“You’re strong enough, piccolo. You’re stronger than anyone I know.” His voice is so gentle and makes me want to forgive him. Forgive all his sins.
“I hurt you. The things I said before Mack took you, I regret more than I can explain. And I’m sorry I killed John… If I could go back… I would find another way.” His apology seems heartfelt and real, but I’m not ready to forgive him for either. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to.
Still, I let him hold me and comfort me because, ironically, he is the only person who can.
“
Shhhhh…. I’m sorry. I’m sorry about all of it. When I told you, I was indebted to you, I meant it. Our fates were sealed before we were even thought of…”
“But—”
“No, but, Amara. Neither of us knew what was happening. I hurt you after you saved my life, and even if John wasn’t your father, I know there is a part of you who loves him regardless, and I ripped that part of you to shreds. I let my anger and my need for blood get in the way of it all. Even if he deserved to die, I shouldn’t have done it that way.” Regret is rooted deeply in his voice, but it’s not enough.
“How can we move on? So much chaos, lies, and betrayal have taken place,” I mumble my words into his chest. His body is warm, encasing me in a protective shell. In his arms, I feel right at home as if this is where I’ve always belonged.
“I’m going to go call my dad,” Jared says, dismissing himself. I didn’t look up to say anything, not even a thank you. I’m not sure if I could ever thank him for freeing the secrets that would tear me apart only to build me back up.
“What do we do now? Where do we go from here? This cluster-fuck we call life is falling to pieces before our eyes. You have lost your whole family to death, as have I. Are we next? Is this all we live for? Revenge? Hate? Anger?” I’m on the verge of a panic attack. Enzo adjusts his hold on me, pushing me at arm’s length so one of his hands can cup the side of my face.
“If anyone has taught me life is more than just death—it’s you. Life is so much more than what I thought it was. I was simply going through the motions, breathing the air, and waiting until the last moment when my heart would stop beating. We can overcome all of this.”
I want to believe him so badly, want to forgive and forget, but it’s not that simple.
“I need time. I need sleep. I need to be alone.”
I want Enzo, but I need to piece this puzzle together. I need to figure this out on my own before bringing him back into the picture. I need to know where he and I fit in it—if we fit in it together at all.
“Okay, that’s fine. Just tell me you’re okay. Tell me no one hurt you while you were being hidden. Tell me everything inside of here is going to be okay,” he says, pointing to my heart.
Placing his lips against my forehead, he whispers, “I know I’ve hurt you. I put your life in danger. I abused your trust. I almost got us both killed numerous times. I threatened your life back at your childhood home, and I want you to know it killed me to hurt you. It rips me apart inside. Your heartbeat is my own. Your voice is my own. Your fears are my own. You’re mine, and I will never do anything to jeopardize that again.”
His words are beautiful and heartfelt, and the tears burn down my cheeks as I pull from his touch. I need to get my bearings on everything, and no matter how much I want to believe his words, right this second, I can’t.
Getting up, I turn around and walk down the hall to the room I was brought to when I first arrived. The moment I close the door, the tears, the pain, and the earth-shattering realization hit me.
This is my life now.
30
Enzo
“Fuck,” I say harshly, my fist hitting the table hard. I don’t want to start breaking shit or hurting anyone, but I can’t handle the emotions running through me.
“Is everything okay?” Jared asks, concerned as ever. He is always fucking concerned. However, now his concerns are real. I’m dating his half-sister, or am I? From her words mere moments ago, I’m beginning to think we have nothing between us anymore. Then again, if I were just thrown into the shit-storm she was, I would be doing a whole lot more than just needing time.
“Everything is just fan-fucking-tastic,” I scoff, slamming back a gulp of the whiskey sitting in front of me. I need a drink about as badly as I need Amara’s sweet lips against mine.
“I take that as she didn’t take it nearly as well as I thought she would.” He is joking... or trying to. It’s a shame Amara has been caught up in all of this. I’ve taken the sweet, shy, and innocent woman I loved and morphed her into a broken angel. She is broken, and it’s all my fault. I want to blame John so badly for all of this, but I know I’m the one who caused her the real pain.
“You mean you actually expected her to accept what you said right off the bat? We have bloodthirsty criminals breathing down our backs left and right, and then we have to throw shit on her. I can’t even imagine what she is thinking right now,” I growl out in frustration. I don’t want to be too loud, but I need to let some of the aggression out. Killing John did nothing for me, and that part frustrates me more than anything. I thought it would make me feel better, happier… bring me peace. Instead, it made me feel worse… even if he did deserve to die.
Shrugging his shoulders, he takes the empty seat on the leather couch across from me. “No. I just got off the phone with my dad, and he wants to meet her badly. I told him we found her… More like she found us, but that’s beside the point. I think my dad can point us in the direction of where to find Mack.”
Stretching my legs out, I settle further into the couch. Another slam back of whiskey, another feeling escaping.
“I just feel…” I’m not even sure where to start or why the fuck I’m pouring my soul out to Jared. He doesn’t care.
A smirk pulls at his lips. “We both know what you feel. There isn’t anything you can do to change it. I know your emotions are conflicted, but you need to give her some time. We need to let her go through everything, so she’s strong enough to carry on when the time comes.” Is he already sticking up for her in a brotherly way?
“Already pulling out the brother card, huh?” I laugh.
Grinning, he shakes his head. “Nah. But if you break her heart, I will probably break your face. How’s that for the brotherly card?” His comment sends a spiral of happiness within me. Amara may have lost so much, but she gained something as well. It might not make her feel better right now, but it will eventually.
Jared, a person who would be a better brother to her than anyone I knew. James, a father who would claim her as his own. And me—a man, who against all odds, has opened his heart to love.
“I would love to see you try and break my face,” I taunt, knowing very well even Jared wouldn’t be able to take me down.
Rolling his eyes like a girl, he laughs. “Whatever. That’s not the point, asshole. The point is you know we lost my mom. It has only ever been my dad and me, and I don’t want to go into pussy foot country and spill my guts to you, but to have someone else is just... exhilarating. For the first time in years, my dad is moving around again. He’s coming here to see her, and though the truth was a damnation to her, it was a joy to us.”
The faraway look in his eyes tells me he’s going back there. I know the look. I’ve endured it many times. He lost his mother, too. Not to the same fate I had, but that doesn’t matter. Loss is loss.
“It’s okay, Jared.” I try to sound convincing, but he knows when to call my bluff, and there is no better time to do so than now. I’m a hypocrite. I know it. I tell people to move on from their own problems while I still boil in my own.
“Just make sure she’s okay enough to talk later,” he says, blinking slowly as if he’s trying to bring himself back to the present. He can’t still blame himself for her death. He was just a kid.
“It wasn’t your fault, Jared,” I blurt out, surprising even myself. I never stepped into the arena with him. I never tried to be the friend he needed. Turning on his heels, I see a deep anger rooted in his eyes.
Clenching his teeth, he says forcefully, “Take your own advice, Enzo. Don’t try to tell me how to handle my shit when you’re barely getting by with your own struggle.”
I let him walk away, down the hall to his room, leaving me to sit in the emptiness to think about all the fucked up choices I have made. Funny, when you’re alone, your mind tends to wander. I started to wonder if everything would come out okay, if we all would get our happily ever after, or if we all were headed down the road to war. Only time will tel
l.
Hours pass as I continue to sit in the chair across from the bed, watching her sleep. She has been sleeping a lot since we got her back. Her body is worn and tired, her breaths deep, and her chest rising and falling in rhythm with my own beating heart. This moment takes me back to the very last time we had sex—when we were on good terms. How I awoke her from a very similar position.
“Ride my hand, baby…” My own words echo through my mind as I remember every push and pull of our bodies. The way we became one, how I would love to go back to that. To do nothing but stay wrapped up in her for hours.
Things are different now. Death changes people. It changes everything. Why was I so careless with that fragile love between us? I should have known better. I should have been better for her… better for us.
A deep moan pulls me from my thoughts. My eyes refocus, and I watch Amara roll over in bed. She’s wearing one of my shirts and a pair of my boxers. Her shirt rides up with each movement, showing her lower back and ass to me.
My cock stiffens, my whole body getting ready to take her. Of course, it is always hard with her around, but there is something much more important that needs to be handled. I need to know what happened to her while she was gone. Where she had been taken, all she had endured. God, I was a fucking douchebag for not asking these questions before doing anything with her.
Wringing my hands together, I clasp them in front of me. Did I really want to talk to her about all of this? I know I said how sorry I was, but I need to know she is okay. I need to make this right.
Slipping from the chair, I tiptoe across the floor and to the bed. For a moment, I simply stand there, staring at her beautiful face. It’s more than the face of an angel. It’s the face of my savior. The woman I love, who I have hurt, betrayed, and somehow, still managed to keep. Her nose scrunches as if she’s having a bad dream and her pink lips part, a sigh escaping.