"Well," Holly said slowly, "I have gone skiing, I don't know that I'm any good at it, really."
That wasn't the issue. She couldn't go to Aspen. She couldn't go anywhere. She had to stay home in case Lia needed her again. Holly started getting stressed out just thinking about traveling that far away again.
"Holly?" Kelly asked her. She looked at him and it was like he was right there, but he wasn't. He was very far away and the moment Holly knew eventually would come, and had been dreading, had finally arrived. He said her name again and when she didn't reply he continued, "Look it was a lot of fun when you came out to LA for the premiere. Right? You had fun, right, I mean, I know you had to go home for Lia, but before that it was fun, this will be the same kind of thing, okay?"
"Kelly," Holly said, "You know, I owe you an apology, I knew, when I got home from LA that...this wasn't going to work. I should have told you then."
"What?"
"I can't fly out to Aspen to...see you."
"I'll get you the ticket."
"No, that's worse, actually, ewww, I mean, I can't, I don't do casual, ugh."
"Is that why you left, after?" Kelly asked.
"No, it was Lia, and what you and I did, it was fun, it was, I don't regret it, but at the same time it was a mistake, sort of. We shouldn't have, I don't think."
"Holly,"
"It's all my fault and I'm sorry, I should have told you weeks ago but"
"This is it? You're really going to end it like this? On Skype?" Kelly sounded like he couldn't believe it.
"Well we never see each other, so yeah, on Skype, I'm sorry."
"Holly, just come to Aspen, it'll be fun, okay?"
"No, Kelly, I'm not coming to Aspen to sleep with you," Holly grimaced a little bit when she said it but quickly decided it was the right approach. If she tried to explain why she couldn't leave Lia, even though Lia was away at school, even though it was only for a couple of days, she would, have to, well, explain it. And she definitely wasn't explaining that. Her mind made up, she soldiered on, "I'm not going to be the woman you sleep with when you're between movies Kelly. I won't."
"Holly,"
"I'm not doing this Kelly, I won't be a casual...hook up partner for you."
"Holly,"
"I should have told you before, that was wrong, I'm sorry. "
"Holly,"
"Goodbye Kelly," she said firmly and ended the video call.
She sat staring at the screen but didn't touch the laptop when Kelly called back immediately. It's your own fault, she told herself miserably, if you had done the right thing before, she stopped herself. You can't change what you did but you can do the right thing now. And the right thing was for Holly to be there for Lia, if Lia ever needed her. Ever. She would put her daughter first, always, that's all there was to it. And a relationship with a guy, any guy, but especially one who lived three thousand miles away was detrimental to that commitment.
Her cell phone rang in the charger and even though she was pretty sure that it was Kelly she checked anyway. When she saw it was in fact him, she ignored the call and went to change into her pottery clothes. On the way out to the barn she decided it was time to make another full set of stoneware. She hadn't sold one in a while but usually with a little bit of time and money spent on promotion it would sell and she could usually count on some follow up orders as well.
She worked for the better part of ten hours then spent some time sketching out some possible designs for the glazes. The whole time she worked she stomped out every little thought of Kelly that came into her mind. And there were a lot of them. She loved him. She really did. Too bad. He was a good guy. So what.
When it was finally time for bed she kept her mind busy figuring out how long it was going to take her to fire all the pieces, the kiln wasn't huge by any means. She was almost asleep when the feelings came creeping back. There are worse things than being alone, she told herself firmly. Much worse. She made herself focus on the one thing she hadn't wanted to think about and when she was done crying over that she was ready for sleep.
Lia is what matters, she thought right before she drifted off. And you can't forget that, ever. Look what happened the last time you did.
Chapter 31
"Well guys, we have some work to do," the director said, "I'm not going to sugar coat it, we need to redo the scene we've been working on, we need more intensity, more ummm."
Kelly and Zoe waited. Kelly wasn't thrilled to hear about redoing the scene, but that was more about the fact that Holly had dumped him a couple of hours ago, on Skype, for Christ's sake. The only thing that he really wanted to be doing right now was hitting the heavy bag at the gym.
"You," the director turned to Zoe, "You're scared, but you're also feeling guilty. Like you blame yourself for this. And you," he said turning to face Kelly, "your character is beyond redemption, sure, but what happened to get him there? Use that, we want to see the damage behind the anger. She" he pointed to Zoe, "hurt you and you hate her for it, but part of you still loves her and hates yourself for that too."
"I can do angry and hurt at the same time," Kelly said grimly.
Zoe nodded, "I get it."
The director turned away and started yelling for everyone to get in their places.
"You ready?" Zoe said smiling at Kelly.
"Yeah, I got it," Kelly said shortly and watched the smile fade from her face, "Sorry, just getting into character, let's keep the small talk to a minimum today okay? I need to focus."
"Sure, fine," Zoe said.
Kelly knew as well as anyone that fine rarely meant fine, especially when it was said like that, and he felt bad. It wasn't Zoe's fault.
"Sorry," he said and Zoe winked and smiled at him.
"Gotcha," she said.
"Oh, screw you," he said, laughing.
"Was that scared and guilty?" she asked.
"No, more like hurt and hating yourself for still loving me, you should work on that."
"Okay, I will."
They got started. It had been an immense relief to laugh but Kelly didn't have any problem summoning up some less cheerful thoughts to get into character. He just thought about Holly and his mood darkened a lot. It was a relief when the day was over and he didn't have to act anymore. Then he realized he was still acting, he was just acting like everything was normal when it wasn't. Then he just wanted to get out of there and go home, where he could be miserable without anyone around to bother him.
Stuart was coming in, presumably to watch the dailies, when Kelly was heading out.
"Hey Kel."
"Hey Stuart."
"How'd it go today?"
"Well, you'll see I guess, but I think we amped up the intensity like you guys wanted. If not, well, let me know, we'll keep doing it till we get there."
"Alright, good to hear."
They continued on their opposite ways. Kelly was almost to the door when something occurred to him. He turned and called down the hall.
"Hey Stu."
"Yeah?"
"About Aspen?"
"What about it?"
"You can forget the plus one."
Chapter 32
Holly glanced at her e-mail list and chose the new one from the hospital. She didn't recognize the name but the subject was "Therapy Rabbits for Group Sessions". She had all but forgotten about that. It had been a while since she had been to the hospital. Holly didn't want to go by herself and the whole group kind of got derailed when the winter hit. They had to cancel twice when big storms blanketed the county with well over two feet of snow the days they had planned to go.
Holly read the e-mail which basically invited them to a weekly session that met on Wednesdays at 11 AM. She grabbed her phone and texted Tanya and Marie at the same time. They both replied back almost immediately and though Tanya couldn't do it, Marie was up for it and she'd said she'd drive if Holly wanted. Holly went back to her e-mail and replied back to M. Jenson that they'd be able to come, two adults and three
rabbits. Then she sat, staring at the computer.
She fingered her phone and brought up Kelly's number. He'd be happy about it, she knew he would. She remembered the look on his face when he had told her about his childhood friend's father. This would mean a lot to him. She tapped the phone again and Kelly's info disappeared. She should delete it. She was kidding herself. She just wanted a reason to call him. She missed him.
Most days she had no reason to leave the house and, although the days were still very short, depressingly so, they seemed to last forever. Lia rarely called or e-mailed or texted and even though Holly was very happy, very, that Lia had seemingly made a full and healthy recovery from the Dylan breakup anguish, Holly missed her daughter.
One day, out of total boredom, she had straightened up Lia's room. Then she had regretted it because it made it seem even more like Lia was gone. She hadn't realized it, not until it was cleaned up, but Holly had been fooling herself every time she glanced in when she went down the hall. The mess made it seem like Lia wasn't gone.
Holly forced herself out of the chair and made her way around the kitchen, then the house, clockwise in every room. But there wasn't anything to clean up. Ages ago, when Lia was still in elementary school, Holly had once said, only half joking, to some of her friends, that they should rent a studio apartment together. A place for moms only, where they could take turns going, just when they couldn't take the mess anymore. Everyone had loved the idea, but it really was just a joke.
Holly stopped at the bottom of the stairs and turned back to the living room. There was nothing to clean up upstairs either. She turned back to the living room. She hadn't gotten around to painting it yet. She sunk down to the stairs feeling totally defeated. She could be in Aspen right now, well possibly, Kelly hadn't mentioned an actual date but if the movie he was working on wasn't done yet, it was probably pretty close.
She didn't care about Aspen, she just cared about Kelly. It was nice to have someone care about you, love you. That's why people craved it so much, she supposed. That's why you put up with a ton of stuff you knew you should not be putting up with, just to have that.
She leaned her head against the wall. She could still remember how he felt and how he smelled when she was in his arms. She wondered if Kelly would understand if she told him, but as soon as she thought that, she knew it didn't matter. She wouldn't tell him, or anyone else for that matter. Why should she? God, it was so long ago. It didn't mean anything anymore.
She got up and went to the computer. She busied herself on the internet reading garbage she wasn't interested in. When she was done she turned the lap top off and turned to the TV. Watched stuff she wasn't interested in. She looked at the calendar and wrote the group therapy session on the square for Wednesday. It was Friday. Wednesday she'd have a reason to get out of bed. Until then, she just didn't know.
Chapter 33
"Here, let me," Kelly said and opened the door.
"Thanks," said Zoe and they walked out together. "Oh, look at the moon."
It was hard to miss, the night was clear and the moon was huge and bright.
"Wow," Kelly said, "I should go surfing."
"Surfing, now?"
"Yeah, it's bright enough."
"Won't the water be freezing?"
"Well cold, but not freezing, the wet suit keeps you pretty warm actually."
Zoe looked up and down the parking lot. "Where was I again?" she said, "Oh right, over there."
Kelly had parked on the other side of the lot but he walked her to her car anyway.
"So you surf a lot?" she asked him.
"Not lately," he said, "You ever tried it?"
"Oh no, but it looks like fun, is it hard?"
"Not that hard."
"Well maybe I should try it sometime."
"Maybe you should," Kelly said.
He wasn't being dense, he was reading Zoe's signals loud and clear. And it was more than just this current conversation. On the set, sometimes she held onto him a beat longer than necessary after the director yelled "cut". She had even asked him out for a drink one night, two days ago, along with some of the other people on the cast and crew, but he had declined.
It had been Mabel's birthday and Kelly had ordered a small cake for her. He had explained, awkwardly, why he couldn't go, then rushed to clarify that his neighbor was turning eighty-six. Zoe had smiled at that and for a second he had thought about asking her to come along with him. But that would have been weird. Plus he was still spending a fair amount of time every night sulking about Holly. Most days, when he got home from work, he went down to the workout room in the basement, put on whatever local sports team was playing, and ran on the treadmill until he had exhausted himself.
"Well, I think I would wait until the water gets a little warmer," Zoe said.
"What?" Kelly said.
"If I'm going to try surfing, I think I would wait until the water gets warmer."
Kelly didn't say anything. He hadn't tried to contact Holly since the day she had broke it off with him and every day he wondered if he should. Zoe was smiling at him and he looked at her and smiled back. Really smiled.
"Well like I said, the wet suit will keep you warm."
"I don't think I would like a wet suit, but you know what I do like?"
"What?"
"A hot tub," Zoe clicked her car door open and Kelly opened it for her, "Thanks. I better go, you know how Jeff is when you're late." She got in and started the car.
"You're going to work out? Now?" Kelly asked.
"What?" she said, "Oh, wait," and rolled the window down.
"You're going to work out now?" he repeated.
"Oh yeah, I've been getting over there two or three times a week. You?"
"No, I've been mostly been doing my own thing. Running mostly. On the treadmill, I have one at home."
"Oh you're good, see if I don't have Jeff making me do it, I won't do it."
"Really?"
"Really, the whole time I'm there I'm just thinking how much longer? How much longer until I can just go home and get in the hot tub?"
Kelly leaned down into the car window.
"I think you're right, if you want to try surfing you should wait until the water's warmer. You seem to really like warm water."
"I do," she said. "I got to go now though. Jeff, you know."
"I do."
Kelly walked back to his car feeling lighter than he had in days. On the ride home he decided to do the mile loop around the neighborhood, instead of sulking on the treadmill, in the basement, in front of the TV. He changed, put on the reflective vest he owned, and headed out.
He was running hard when he turned down Mabel's street and saw the flashing lights. He was too far away to be sure, but somehow he just knew, and when he sprinted down the street it didn't take long to confirm he was right, the cop car was in Mabel's driveway. He ran up to the front door.
"Mabel!" he called and pushed the door open.
"Back here," a man's voice called and Kelly peered down the hall. The police officer popped his head out around the corner and waved him back. "You family?" the cop asked as Kelly walked into Mabel's family room.
"Neighbor," Kelly said, then his heart sank at the site of Mabel lying on the floor next to the coffee table, "Jesus, is she?"
Mabel's eyes flew open, "Am I what Kelly?"
"Oh, you're Kelly Rockport," the cop said and Kelly nodded in agreement.
"Nothing, asleep, I thought you were asleep," Kelly told Mabel.
"Bull, you thought I was dead."
"She's not dead," said the cop. "Drunk," he mouthed to Kelly and made like he was tipping a bottle to his mouth.
"Are you hurt?" Kelly asked.
"Obviously, I can't get up, can I?"
"Well can I get you anything?"
"I would like to finish my glass of wine if you don't mind."
"I don't mind," Kelly said, uncertainly.
"Well he does," Mabel said, pointing to the police of
ficer, then, "Ow."
"It's your arm, you hurt your arm?" Kelly said.
"Yes, I fell on it."
Kelly said a silent prayer that it was only her arm.
"Do you want to sit up?" he asked her.
"We tried that, but she said she was dizzy, so I think we should wait for the EMTs. They'll be here in a couple of minutes," the cop said.
"You want me to call Karen for you?" Kelly asked, pulling out his phone. Mabel's daughter Karen lived outside of San Francisco. He had met her once or twice.
"No, don't you call her, I don't want to worry her."
"Okay," Kelly said.
He was staring at his phone. The photo was still the one he had taken of Holly and himself, in the elevator of the hotel, the night of the "Son of Cronos" premiere. God, he had thought that night had been so great. How could he have been so wrong in reading her? Why had she slept with him? It wasn't like he had forced himself on her, he had tried, in fact, to be very clear, she could opt out at any time. He had really thought that night, he had hit the jackpot. Somebody who liked him for him. Someone who, he really believed, would have felt the same way about him, even if he wasn't the actor, the rich and famous celebrity movie star. Someone who really just liked him enough to wait and make sure it was right.
"Hello?" someone called from the front door.
"Down here," the officer yelled.
"Finally," Mabel grumbled. Then she looked at Kelly, "Do you think they'll give me morphine in the hospital?"
"Morphine?"
"I'm eighty-six, I just want to live a little, morphine's supposed to be amazing."
"I wouldn't know," Kelly said, tucking his phone away.
He needed to change the picture. It was over. He'd do it later. He needed to pay attention, in case they got to the hospital and Mabel got her wish of being knocked out with powerful drugs right away. And he needed to convince her to let him call her daughter. He stood aside while the EMT's did their thing and when they were loading her up he ran home to get his car. He still had to be on the set in the morning.
After a very long night in the ER where Mabel had her arm x-rayed and set and did not get any prescriptions for any "fun" drugs, Kelly drove her home. She refused to let him in her house and he drove home praying she would just go to bed and not have any more wine.
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