The next day at work he realized he had never changed the picture on the phone. He told himself it wasn't the right time to do it. He told himself he needed the right photo for the wallpaper. Finally he gave up and told himself he was full of shit and he knew it.
Chapter 34
"Hi, you must be Holly and Marie?" the woman said smiling, "I'm Mia."
"Backwards," Marie said, "I'm Marie, this is Holly."
"Oh sorry."
"No problem," said Holly, and she stood up, picking up the carrier as she did.
"Thank you for coming early, I mean we haven't done this before, so I thought we should go over some ground rules."
The psychologist led them into a room Holly had never visited before at the hospital. The sign on the door said "Group Therapy". There were a small number of chairs set up in a circle and Mia motioned for Holly and Marie to sit down.
"Did I tell you in the e-mail? This is just the women's group. The men, well, we decided the best thing was to have the patients vote because we didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable by having you here. It gets kind of emotional sometimes, the guys, well, anyway, the women were unanimous on letting you sit in on their session."
"I, we, just want to help," Marie said, "so whatever they want."
"Well, I think the thing to do is to just try to focus on the rabbits," Mia said, "We have some people who rarely talk anyway, it can take a while before people open up in group but sometimes hearing other people's stories will allow people to start opening up during individual sessions. And they all seem to really like the rabbits.
"Personally, I'm really excited about it, I mean, they were using animal therapy all the way back in World War I, it seems to have a lot of potential, but we really don't know, so it's so great that you guys will do this for us, there's no way we could get animals in here without volunteers. Oh, here they come. So maybe just ask them as they come in if they want to hold one."
The women filed in slowly over the next couple of minutes. Most of them glanced at Holly, Marie, and the carriers and there were a couple of smiles. One woman came rushing in at the last minute.
"Sorry I'm late, traffic," she said as she sat down.
"Outpatient privilege isn't that against the rules?" another woman said and they all laughed.
Holly spent an hour listening and keeping an eye on the rabbits. There was a pause in the conversation and the woman who had come in last asked to speak.
"Do you want to hold a rabbit while it's your turn?" Mia asked.
"Can I hold that one?" she said pointing to Timber.
The woman whose lap Timber was sitting on gave him another couple of strokes while Holly made her way across the circle to make the transfer. She got Timber settled on the patient's lap and then went back to her seat.
"The thing is," the woman, Claire, Holly remembered her name was Claire from the introductions at the beginning of the session, "when I was over there, I felt good about it, I felt strong and confident, and good about doing my job. I thought I was setting a good example for my kids, especially my daughter. But now that I'm home, all I can think about is what I missed when I was gone."
Holly looked around the circle and saw several of the patients nodding understandingly. One woman touched up the corner of her eyes with a tissue. Claire took a big breath and continued.
"I don't want to miss anything, ever again, and my husband, he's trying, but he's like, why don't you go out with your friends, it's not a big deal. And I don't want to miss putting the kids to bed even, and he says so go out after they go to bed, what's the big deal? But if they wake up and I'm not there, again? Maybe they understand but I feel like, like, I let them down, even though I know I didn't mean to and this is my job, and I can't, I won't let them down again. I want to be there no matter what because I wasn't, for nine months, I wasn't there at all and I,"
Claire dissolved into tears and the other women sat silently waiting. No one spoke until she had calmed down.
"Sorry," Claire said and blew her nose.
"You don't have to apologize," someone from the other side of the circle said immediately.
"Anything else? From anyone?" Mia said.
One of the younger women shifted in her seat.
"Chelsea?" Mia asked.
"Well I don't have kids."
"You can still contribute."
"Well, you've talked about it before, Mia, about how, that thing where kids need to know you believe in them enough to not be there, or something," Chelsea said.
"Right," Mia said, "It's hard, I have kids myself, and letting go is hard. It's a balancing act, not only do they need to know that you believe in them enough to let them try and even fail, and sometimes, hard as it is, not help them, but what they also don't need is the pressure of being the complete center of a parent's universe. On the one hand it seems like a doting, loving parent, but there comes a point where it's really about feeding the parent's needs and that isn't what any child needs, for their parent to depend on them for their emotional well-being.
"This is an adjustment for you Claire," Mia said, "we know this and it's okay. But give yourself permission to regret the time you missed without feeling guilty about it. You did the best you could under the circumstances. Learning from your mistakes is one thing, but don't try to make up for the past by scripting the future around it. Do the best you can with where you are at now, does that make sense?"
"Yes," Claire said, "but it's hard, to actually do it, I mean."
"Of course it's hard, it's a process, that's why we are here, to help you, all of you, through the process," Mia looked around the circle, then her eyes widened, "Holly?"
"Oh no, I," Holly hurried to wipe away the tears from her cheek, "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to intrude."
"You're not intruding," Mia said.
"My daughter, she's in college, and I miss her so much and I WORRY about her so much, I just, I know how you feel Claire, well I don't, I mean, I wasn't in the military, I," Holly stopped, sure she was making a making a complete fool of herself.
"Hey," said another patient, "Some of us are moms, some of us aren't, some of us are or were in the military, you guys aren't, it doesn't mean we can't sympathize. Even if we can't understand a hundred percent we can still sympathize, right?"
Mia nodded in agreement.
"I'm glad you said something," Claire said, "I didn't think my friends would understand, I don't say that to be mean or anything, but I never thought they might feel the same way I do just because it's a mom thing. I kind of figured they would think it was my fault for being away for so long."
"Which wasn't your fault," someone chimed in from across the circle.
The rest of the session focused on some more practical aspects of therapy, namely what Mia called "cognitive behavior modification", which could be used to combat negative thoughts and feelings. Holly was fascinated and paid close attention as one patient described what she called her downward spiral, and Mia and the other women offered practical advice to turn it around. When everyone started getting up to leave, Holly had a lot of questions, but Mia glanced at the clock on the wall and flew out of the room, saying she was late for a meeting.
Just as well, Holly thought as she locked the rabbits in the double carrier she had brought. Besides, all these women, they really need help, and Mia is here for them and with Marie there, she really couldn't ask questions anyway. Not without expecting a bunch of follow up questions from Marie on the way home.
"All set?" Marie asked.
"Yes, let's go," Holly replied.
They headed back out down the hall to the main lobby.
"Hey, is that Mercedes?"
Holly looked up, startled. She and Marie had been deep in conversation, she hadn't been paying attention to the other people in the lobby. The guy, boy really, got up from his seat and made his way over to them, slowly. Holly didn't say anything.
"Is Lia here, that is Mercedes right?" the kid asked.
"Ummm,"
Holly said, unsure of what to say, but sure she didn't like a strange man, er, boy, being aware of her daughter when she had absolutely no idea who he was.
"Are you a patient here?" Marie asked.
"Outpatient now," the kid said with a big grin. He reached down and pulled up his pants leg from the knee and Holly caught a glimpse of a flash of metal and the mom in her felt awful. He continued, "I'm just here for physical therapy today. I met Lia when I got back. And Mercedes."
"Oh," Holly said, "No, Lia's at school, I'm her mom, Holly, and this is Marie."
"Nice to meet you, I'm Joe," the kid said and held out his hand, which Holly shook. Then he held out his hand for Marie to shake too. "Yeah, I met Lia the day Kelly Rockport was here, I have a picture of us, actually."
"You don't have to," Holly started but Joe already had his phone out.
"See," he said holding it out.
It was a nice picture, Kelly, Joe and Lia holding Mercedes. But it broke Holly's heart all over again.
"Look Mercedes, there you are," Joe said, smiling and showed the phone to the rabbit, who reacted by turning away.
Joe and Marie laughed and Holly joined in a beat later.
"It was nice meeting you Joe," Marie said.
"Yeah, nice meeting you too, could you ummm," Joe stopped.
"What?" Marie asked.
"Umm, tell Lia I said hi, if that's okay."
"Sure," Marie said.
Joe limped back to his seat in the waiting room and Holly and Marie left the hospital. Marie had driven there so they put the rabbits in the back of her minivan and got into the front.
"What?" Marie asked.
"What?" Holly echoed back.
"Something wrong?" Marie put the car in drive.
"I just, hate seeing that, I mean, he lost his leg, it's sad."
"Yeah, I know, but what a nice kid. Polite, unlike my kids, by the way."
"Going through a rough patch are they?"
"Rough patch, my ass," Marie said, "the past seventeen years have been a rough patch, they act like they're still in preschool sometimes, I swear. Ugh, I don't want to talk about it. How's Lia?"
"Fine."
"Are you going to tell her about Joe?"
"Uh, I don't know."
Things were quiet for a while.
"So when is Kelly done with the movie?"
"What?" Holly said.
"You said he was working on a movie, then after that maybe he would come back out here, when's he going to be done?"
"I don't know," Holly said. Part of her wanted to leave it at that, but the other part of her wanted to get it over with. They were almost to her house anyway. "We, I, broke up with him so it doesn't matter."
"You broke up with him! Why?"
"He lives three thousand miles away Marie, it just wasn't working."
"Why not?"
"He's too far away."
"So?"
"Most of the time he works in California, he can't come here."
"You can go there."
"No I can't."
"Why not?"
"Lia. Lia's here."
"She's in school," Holly didn't say anything and Marie kept going, "You're entitled to have a life you know. Have some fun."
"Fun? I'm a parent first," Holly said.
"Yeah, you're right, take me and my husband, we've spent every waking moment for how long, shuttling the kids around, now they're driving and we're useless, so we sit home cause they're out with both of our cars and he falls asleep on the couch and I watch god awful reality TV for three hours every night. You've done your job, now it's your turn. Isn't it?"
"Marie."
"Sorry, that was harsh. I just want to live vicariously though you for a little bit. Dating Kelly Rockport and going to movie premieres beats the hell out of my life."
Holly stared at the dashboard.
"Holly? Holly, I'm sorry."
"It's okay."
"No, I'm sorry, if it wasn't right, it wasn't right, just cause it was Kelly Rockport, that's kind of irrelevant, isn't it, if he's not the right guy for you. I'm sure you did the right thing."
Marie changed the subject and, even though it was months away, Holly filled her in on the details regarding graduation and the month of seemingly nonstop celebrations and events leading up to it. But in the back of her mind the same thought circled over and over. Kelly was the right guy. He wasn't the problem. She was.
Chapter 35
"Who wants another one? Kelly?"
"Yes," Kelly replied, "I'll get it." He started to stand up and let out a big groan.
Stuart and some of the other guys laughed and Kelly dropped back down onto the sofa. He had spent the day chasing Stuart around the mountain. Kelly was a decent skier but Stuart was phenomenal. That, coupled with the fact that during the filming of "Mistakes" he had slacked off on his workouts, meant he was hurting right now. A lot.
"You better hit the hot tub later if you expect to go back out tomorrow. Here."
Kelly accepted the beer that was pushed into his hand.
"Tomorrow?" he moaned a little bit at the idea of skiing again the next day and there was some more laughter.
They hung out by the fire until someone said that dinner was ready. The caterers had set up a huge buffet in the enormous kitchen and Kelly filled a plate and, after glancing around the table, took the seat next to Zoe. The entire party was made up of spouses and/or significant others except for the two of them.
"So did you ski today?" Kelly asked her as he sat down.
"No, just got here around three, maybe tomorrow."
The talk alternated between the skiing and the movie. After dinner people sat around the table talking for a while then eventually drifted off, some to the fire, some to the hot tub.
"I guess I'm ready for the hot tub," Zoe said and got up from the table.
Kelly stayed at the table with some of the guys. She headed out the sliding door to the patio area. The hot tub on the deck fit twenty people easily. Kelly watched while Zoe peeled off her yoga pants and jacket and walked down the steps into the water. Once she sat down in the water and he couldn't see her anymore he made up his mind. He grabbed a water bottle and poured a beer and a merlot into two plastic cups, Stuart's wife had been adamant that there would be no glass around the pool. Then he headed outside.
"I thought you might like some more water, or wine," he said to Zoe and set them both down next to her head on the edge of the pool, "Sorry about the cup, house rules."
"Oh thanks," she said and smiled at him as he took off his long sleeve t-shirt and sweat pants.
They spent the next couple of hours talking in the hot tub, getting out and sitting on the side when they got too hot and getting back in when they cooled off. Gradually people left for bed until they were the only ones left. Suddenly the overhead lights switched off and they were plunged into darkness.
"Oh!" said Zoe.
"They must be on a timer."
"So our time is up then, huh?"
"Looks that way."
There were small solar powered lights around the deck. Kelly's eyes adjusted quickly and he grabbed Zoe by the hand to guide her.
"Are these your clothes?" he asked her.
"Yes, thanks."
She was shivering and he helped her on with her jacket.
"Where are your clothes?" she asked him.
"Got them, here," he said holding them up
"Are you going to put them on?"
"No, I'm still wet," he paused, then went for it, "I have a hot tub at my cabin, I'll probably just get right in."
"Which one are you in?"
"Whistler, you?"
"Alta."
He grabbed her hand again as they made their way down the path talking about Stuart, and why he would buy a house in Aspen and name the guest cabins after other ski areas. They got to Zoe's cabin first.
"Well this is me I guess," she said.
Kelly looked up at the Alta sign.
"Ye
s it is."
"Ummm...I have a hot tub too actually."
Kelly didn't say anything, he just leaned in and kissed her. She opened her mouth a little and he took advantage of that as he wrapped his arms around her. He slipped his hand up under her jacket and felt her bare, wet back. Which was covered in goose bumps.
"You're freezing," he said after he stopped kissing her, "We should get you in the hot tub."
"This way," she said.
Kelly followed her through the cabin and out the back. He quickly noted that it was an almost identical setup to the one at his cabin, namely that the hot tub area was completely fenced in and very private. He tossed his clothes on a chaise lounge and got in. He watched Zoe remove her jacket and then her pants and come down into the water with him. He reached out for her and she put her hand in his and he pulled her towards him.
Once he had her next to him he waited to see what she would do and when she didn't hesitate and straddled him, he got very excited. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her.
They made out for a while. Kelly was more than ready and when he finally couldn't take it anymore he slid his hands down her back and ground her into him. She made a noise he couldn't quite decipher the meaning of and pushed away. He thought he had probably blown it. Then she raised herself out of the water and took her bikini top off.
"Damn," Kelly said and she giggled.
He couldn't take his eyes off her breasts. They were spectacular and they looked real. One way to be sure. He started to reach for her and then looked up into her face. She looked happy and eager and young. Very young. He stopped himself before he knew what he was doing. God, how old was she again? Twenty five or twenty six, but he was forty four. She was closer to Lia's age then his.
That was it. Once he thought of Lia, he thought of Holly and he was done. He had tried to talk to Holly the day she broke up with him but she had refused to answer his calls. He had been furious. But now, on the verge of, this, it didn't matter. He loved Holly, he was sure of it, and not in a casual, hooking up between films kind of way.
Role of a Lifetime Page 13