"Kelly?" Zoe said and leaned into kiss him.
God he had to stop this and it was not going to be pretty. He turned away at the last second and Zoe stopped, confused.
"What?" she said, "What's wrong?"
"Zoe, I," Kelly winced as she settled back down into the water on top of him. He grabbed her by the waist, with the mindset of yanking her off him, but figured that would come across as too harsh, so he just held her still.
"What?" she said and wrapped her arms around his neck and leaned into him.
"Stop," he said, as their upper bodies connected. He lifted her off him, awkwardly, and set her down on the seat next to him.
"Hey!"
"I'm sorry Zoe," he said as he started to get out of the water, realized what she was going to see if he did that, and sat back down. "You are gorgeous, really, and smart and an amazing actress, but I can't do this, I can't."
"Kelly," she said, and reached for him under the water.
He felt her hand on his thigh and slid away from her.
"There's somebody else," he said, "We're kind of going through a...rough patch right now, but I want to make it work, with her. I'm sorry."
She didn't say anything but the look on her face made it clear she wasn't happy. He couldn't tell if she was mad or sad but whichever it was, it was his fault and he felt horrible about it. At the same time the situation was so uncomfortable it killed his erection and, relieved, he quickly got up out of the hot tub. He grabbed a towel from the stand and dried off quickly, then picked up his clothes.
Zoe hadn't moved and her back was to him. He circled around the hot tub so he could face her.
"Zoe, I'm sorry, this is my fault, really..."
She looked up at him and pushed herself up out of the hot tub and sat down on the edge. The steam was rising off her body but her nipples hardened up from the cold almost immediately.
"You said that before Kelly, if you're so sure you don't want to be here, then why don't you just leave already?"
"Yep, right, sorry," he said, and turned and went back through the cabin.
He heard the splash as she sat back down in the water. He walked out the front door of the cabin and the cold air was a bit of a shock this time. He hurried through the night to his cottage and, once inside, went right into the shower.
He took his time warming up in the hot water and formulated a plan while he did so. He'd fly out tomorrow morning, soon as he could. He'd go right to Holly's house and hopefully she would be home, but if not he would sit there for as long as it took. And then he'd tell her how he felt about her, like he should have done a long time ago. The rest, he supposed, was up to her.
Chapter 36
"Oh no," Holly said.
"What?" said the deli clerk.
"I just remembered, I don't need any ham, actually, well you already cut it, so I guess I'll take it."
"No, it's fine," the woman said, and put the pieces she had just cut back on top of the slab of meat and wrapped it, "What else?"
"That's it for the deli, but I'm going to get some fish," Holly said.
"Sure, meet you down there."
Holly pretended to study the fish in the case as the woman made her way over to it. She already knew what she was getting, the cod was on sale.
"Still deciding?"
"The cod, half a pound."
Half a pound was too much, for just herself, that is. Half a pound would feed her and Lia both. But buying just a quarter pound of fish was too depressing, especially after almost buying the ham which only Lia would eat. Lia had called it "bam" when she was little. The memory made Holly sniff a little.
She got through the rest of the shopping although most of her really just wanted to go home and crawl back into bed. She decided, as she drove home, that she'd go right to the barn and work, once the groceries were put away.
Holly was going to the weekly group therapy sessions at the vet hospital, sometimes with Maire, sometimes alone. She was still just the animal therapy volunteer, but she listened intently throughout every session. One of the things Mia had said was doing something, anything, but especially something productive, was better than sitting around dwelling on what was bothering you.
Holly had taken that to heart, but the pottery was piling up. She decided to spend the afternoon applying glaze to some of the pieces that had been drying for a while. Normally she would fire the pieces first, then glaze them, too much could go wrong with a single fire process, but with the amount of finished pieces she had sitting around waiting for the first fire, she really didn't have much to lose.
Happy with that decision, Holly turned down her long driveway, her spirits much improved. Then she saw the strange car in the driveway and the man sitting on her front step. She parked the car, got out and ran towards him, unsure of who it was, but completely convinced that something horrible had happened to Lia, and he was the person that had been sent to tell her. She was shocked when he looked up and she recognized him.
"Hi Holly," Kelly said smiling. The smile faded when she stopped several feet away from him. "Just hear me out okay?"
"I saw, I didn't know it was you, I thought, something must have happened. To Lia."
"I'm sure Lia's fine," he said, and got up off the step and took a couple of steps towards her.
Holly looked up at him and felt the regret come back. The same feeling she got every time she thought about him since she had ended it, a little over a month ago. Because you had too, she told herself sternly.
"What do you want?" she asked him.
He winced a little and she felt bad. But really what did he want? She wanted him, but she couldn't have him. Having him show up out of the blue like this wasn't going to help her get over him. And she needed to get over him.
"I just wanted to tell you something," he said, "I should have told you a month ago, I realize that now, but I was, never mind. It's not a casual thing Holly, you and me, how I feel about you, it was never like that and I didn't expect you to hook up with me between movies."
He stopped, waiting for her to say something probably, but she didn't.
"I haven't felt this way about anyone in a really long time Holly. I love you. I'm in love with you. And if you don't want to come to California, ever again, well I think we can still make it work. I mean, sometimes I have to work but I'd rather be away for a month or two and come back then just have it be over."
She started to cry then, and in an instant he had his arms around her and she buried her face into his chest. He loved her and she loved him, but if it was going to work she had to come clean, she had to be completely honest with him. Well, almost completely.
"I have to tell you something," she said fishing around in her pocket for a tissue, "It wasn't the hooking up thing, I still wouldn't do that, but really that wasn't it."
"What was it then?"
She didn't want to tell him because she was sure he wouldn't understand. But if she didn't tell him then there was no point in trying again because they would just end up right back here sooner or later. So she took a deep breath and said it.
"It's Lia, I didn't want to go to Aspen because I didn't want to be that far away again, in case anything happened," she didn't want to look up at him because it was going to be too hard see it end again, but she had to make it clear, "Lia needs to come first, I need to make sure you understand that."
"I understand that."
She pulled away from him a little bit and peeked up at him.
"You do?" she asked.
"Yes, I do, well, honestly, I think you worry about her too much. She's a smart kid and yeah, the world can be a dangerous place, sometimes, but not that dangerous. Or maybe you're right and I just don't get it because I'm not a parent. But either way, it's okay. Lia comes first, got it."
She was so stunned it was that easy that at first she didn't know what to say. Then she remembered.
"I love you too."
Chapter 37
He kissed her as soon as she sa
id it. He kissed her and she kissed him back and then their hands were all over each other. He had half a mind to take her right there, on the frozen ground in front of her house, but he forced himself to think sensibly.
"Can we go upstairs?" he said and she nodded yes.
They went to the front door but she had left the keys in the car. She went back to get them. He was waiting by the front door and he hugged her from behind and kissed the back of her neck while she fumbled with the lock, finally getting it open.
They didn't make it upstairs. As soon as the door shut behind them they were tugging at each other's clothes and Kelly slid down to the floor pulling her with him.
"I don't have,"
"I do," he interrupted her, yanking what they needed out of his pocket, "I was hoping."
She laughed and grabbed the wrapper out of his hand. Kelly worked his pants and underwear off and she rolled the condom onto him. Then she wriggled out of her own pants and underwear. As she climbed on top of him he slid her shirt up and she paused while he yanked it over her head. He reached for her bra, but changed his mind as she started putting him inside her and instead grabbed her hips with both hands. Together they worked her down onto him until he was as deep in her as he could be. Then he took off her bra.
He watched and touched her while she alternated between sliding up and down on him and grinding up against him. Her eyes were closed but he watched her intently. She cried out and then slumped down on top of him and he held her tightly, feeling her heavy breathing and waiting for it to come back to normal.
"Sorry," she said, "I couldn't wait."
"It's okay," he said, "I have to get used to coming second, remember?"
She laughed and he kissed her. His tongue was deep in her mouth and he was trying to figure out if he should get up and move them to the couch when she started moving on top of him again. He abandoned all thoughts of relocating and just palmed her breasts while she brought him to the brink, then paused. Over and over she did it, gliding up and down on him slowly, then faster, then stopping and starting all over again. When he couldn't take it anymore he grabbed her by the hips and took over, working her hard and fast, up and down on him until he exploded.
Then it was his turn to lie still and spent, breathing heavily. He moaned a little as she carefully slid off him, then managed to slide his hands up her back and wrap his arms around her. They stayed like that for a while and Kelly was just about to summon the strength to pick her and up and take her upstairs when she raised her head and spoke.
"Oh no," she said.
"What?"
"I left the groceries in the car."
"Do you have to get them now?"
"No."
"Good," he said and kissed her. Then he got up and carried her upstairs.
Chapter 38
Holly went to open her e-mail with some trepidation. She had shipped a full set of stoneware out over a week ago. She had received a confirmation that it had arrived and, per her usual procedure, sent a follow up e-mail to her customer thanking them for the order and hoping they were happy with it. She had not heard back yet.
"Stop," she told herself.
Mia had spent a lot of time in the last session talking about things like "all or nothing thinking" and how to stop "catastrophizing" every possible outcome of every possible thing in one's life. Holly thought back to the advice Mia had dispensed and took her hands away from the lap top.
"What if they hate it?" she said out loud.
One of the techniques Mia had recommended was working through your stressful thoughts to the absolute final outcome.
"Then you can offer to take it back. And you will lose the money on the shipping fees, but you can put the set back up for sale," Holly thought about it, the money wasn't the issue. "What if they hate it and say it and aren't, ummm, very nice about it?"
Her thoughts took off on her own after that and even though part of her knew she was being completely irrational, and that part of her was screaming at her just as loudly as the part that was doing the irrational thinking, it didn't matter. She had worked herself up into being absolutely terrified of opening her e-mail. She just didn't want to risk it. She got up from the desk and went into the bathroom. Made herself look in the mirror.
"You," she told the Holly she saw in the mirror, "Are being an idiot."
That didn't help. Facts, she told herself, what are the facts of the matter?
"Nobody, not once, has ever wanted to return anything you shipped them. That has never happened. And if it did it wouldn't be the end of the world. And even if they weren't nice about it that wouldn't be the end of the world either. They are in flipping Colorado for pete's sake. You e-mail them a call tag and get the stuff back and refund it and that is the end of it. Heck they may not have even e-mailed you back anyway," Holly stared at herself in the mirror, "God what the hell is wrong with you?" she asked and the tears started.
"Oh, good grief," she said and wiped her eyes on her sleeve and marched herself back to the computer.
Still sniffling she punched in her password and scanned the in box. She saw it right away, the customer had responded and she opened the message defiantly, though she wasn't even sure a person could defy themselves, but that's what it felt like.
Got the set, all pieces intact (yay!) and they look even better in person than on-line. So happy.
"See," Holly told herself. "You are the world's biggest idiot."
She quickly typed in "Great to hear, thank you again for the order," and sent it before she could second guess it and spend a half hour obsessing over THAT. She went back to her in-box and now she noticed that there was an e-mail from Lia. The subject was "Summer Job" and Holly opened it with nothing more than simple curiosity.
Mom, this girl on my floor, Chelsea, her aunt and uncle own a restaurant up in Maine and they need waitresses for the summer. Rachel's going to do it and Makayla and I was wondering if I could go too.
That was it. Which was very typical of Lia. Not nearly enough detail for Holly to make a decision. Holly glanced at the time, decided that Lia was most likely awake but even if she wasn't Holly didn't care. Holly wasn't going to drive herself crazy for the next two or three days with all the unanswered questions. This was getting resolved now. She grabbed her phone and called Lia.
"Hi Mom."
Lia didn't sound happy but she didn't sound unhappy either. She sounded, worried, Holly realized.
"I got your e-mail."
"Are you mad?"
Mad? Why would Lia think she was mad? Holly wasn't mad, was she?
"I'm not mad Lia, I'm just," Holly couldn't finish and she realized she didn't have a handle on how she felt about it, not really.
"Mad. I knew you'd be mad."
"You caught me by surprise, that's all."
"I really want to do this Mom, Chelsea says you can make a fortune in tips and they have cabins for the staff so we would all share one."
"When would it start?"
"A couple of weekends before Memorial Day. Chelsea says the weekends are really busy until July fourth, then they get busy all the time. So in May and June there are less hours but then a lot in July and August."
It didn't take too long to put it together. That was pretty much right after Lia was done with school.
"So will you come home at all?" Holly asked, "After school that is?"
"Well, just for a couple of days I think."
"I see."
Neither one of them said anything for a while.
"Mom?"
"I'm here."
"It's not that I don't want to come home, but I want, I want to do other stuff to. And not just that."
"What do you mean?"
Lia sighed.
"What do you mean Lia?" Holly asked again.
"Well some of us, a couple of weekends ago, we went to New York."
"You did?" Holly was immediately furious that Lia hadn't asked if it was okay or even told her.
"It was amazing Mom, jus
t amazing, I can't even explain, I just loved it."
"What's your point?" Holly said, a little harshly, then winced.
"I think, after school, I want to get a job in New York, or maybe DC, or I don't know, but somewhere like that. I love you Mom, I love our house and it was a great place to grow up, but I don't, I don't want to sit in a barn by myself and paint and do pottery."
"I never said you had to paint and throw pots Lia," Holly said.
"I didn't mean it like that, just, I'm not you and I think, you need to know I'm don't want to come home after college, I want to go, to live, lots of places I think."
"That's a lot to decide right now Lia, can we get back to this summer? Just this summer?"
"I want to go to Maine."
"Cause Maine is so much like New York City right?" Holly winced again at how snarky she sounded but she was losing patience.
"Because Maine's different."
Holly didn't say anything.
"I'm nineteen Mom, you can't really stop me."
The defiance in Lia's tone was like a smack in the face.
"Lia, this isn't about stopping you or controlling you or turning you into me. I just want what's best for you."
"I know Mom, I know you do. I don't want you sitting home worrying about me either."
"I don't sit home worrying about you."
"Of course you do, you worry about me and everything else. EVERYTHING else."
"That's just a mom thing," Holly said and changed the subject. "Where in Maine is this?" Lia told her and Holly googled it on the laptop. "Oh good grief that is way up there."
"Mom, please."
"I don't know Lia, I just don't know, can I" Holly was going to ask for a day to think about it but she didn't have a chance, Lia blew up at her.
"It's my life Mom, and you can't tell me I can't go. I'm nineteen. Just because you don't have a life doesn't mean you can control mine."
"Lia."
"I'm going, goodbye."
Lia hung up on her. Holly stared at the phone. Set it down carefully on the table. God she missed the old clunky rotary dial phones of her childhood. The black ones that you paid a buck a month to rent from the phone company and if it broke they would send the phone repair man out to fix it (after you called them on your neighbor's phone) and he would take the phone apart and fix it right there in your house. Those phones a person could slam the receiver down in a very satisfying manner.
Role of a Lifetime Page 14