Loving My Pack

by Lane Whitt

  Copyright © 2019 by Lane Whitt

  All rights reserved.

  No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

  Cover Design: 2019 © L.J. Anderson, Mayhem Cover Creations

  Contents

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Epilogue

  Coming Soon

  About the Author

  Dedicated to these two.

  “Stop finding excuses for failure!” he said, disappointment in his eyes.

  My success will always be in spite of you, she thought, determination in her gaze and a knife in her heart.

  Chapter One

  Pregnant. I can hardly believe the words coming out of my mouth. Me. Pregnant. With a baby. I thought Kellan was losing it when he rushed in and put his ear to my belly, shushing me when I asked what on Earth he was up to. I’ll never forget the look in his beautiful grass-green eyes when he raised his head. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so much pure emotion pour out of another being and feel it seep into my own soul such as it had in that moment. Kellan then proceeded to press his face against my belly, occasionally drying happy tears on my shirt, which is where he still remains.

  Mere seconds later I’m gathered in Logan’s long-armed embrace and spun around until I’m dizzy. “I knew I made the right call in keeping you, you fantastic little creature! Our baby is going to be fucking gorgeous, just you wait and see. Paris and Milan will go to war to have our beautiful pup walk their runways,” He tells me dreamily, already picturing it in his head. I toss my head back and laugh at his silly declarations before hugging him harder and accepting the wild kiss he delivers upon me.

  When my vision finally catches up with the room, I’m able to take in the rest of my mates as they look on with various expressions. Logan hands me off to Tristan, who is beaming his perfect Tristan smile at me. I receive a hug from him as well, and a promise of a celebratory feast tonight in honor of our “little miracle”. Reed and Jace approach me together, both taking kisses of their own, while Reed promises a proper, private celebration with just the two of us later this evening, and Jace informs me that we should name the baby Jace III, his trademark smirk in place. I have to laugh at the reminder of the Big Jace/Little Jace fiasco. While the non-teddy bear Jace took the whole thing in stride, it sure didn’t stop his prideful need to remind me just how big he truly is. Actually, I think I totally deserve a pat on the back for that one. Who knew a prank would turn out to be so rewarding?

  Finn responds just as I knew he would—without words. He lays his emotions, raw and unfiltered, out for my perusal within his minty green eyes. I’m sure his brilliant mind is battling countless thoughts of everything he’s ever learned about pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting, but he doesn’t voice those things now. I keep quiet, too, and just let him hold me as he inhales deeply at my hair. Both of us just want to feel right now, not think. Although I’m sure lessons with Finn will, no doubt, take a turn to all things baby moving forward. That’s probably a good thing, as I have yet to excel at any of the social interaction lessons.

  At Finn’s suggestion, everyone except Remy and Ash head out of the family room and busy themselves to give the three of us a moment alone. Both men before me act as if they are glued to their posts at the entryway. For the first time in what seems like forever, I’m nervous around my mates. Ash stands as tall as ever in his V-neck t-shirt, dark-wash jeans, boots, and black leather jacket. Oh, the things that jacket does for his insanely attractive figure. His big brown eyes are blown wide and staring at me unblinkingly as tanned skin ripples over endless muscles. I know he’s fighting the need for his wolf to take over, and a pang of understanding hits me square in the chest. My poor Shadow doesn’t do well with emotions, does he? Part of me wishes I knew what he was thinking right now, but the other, more sensible, part of me knows that I’d probably be very scared of the thoughts in my overprotective giant’s mind.

  Still, Ash’s reaction is a whole lot better than Remy’s. I think I might have broken Remy. I’m not even sure if he’s breathing. His bright copper hair appears even brighter and his already fair skin has taken on a ghostly pale color. The blank expression on his handsome face, and in his intimidating grey eyes that seem to see nothing at all, has me worried. My mates and I haven’t exactly spoken of children before. I mean, comments have been made, but this little alien inside of me wasn’t planned or anything. Remy may not have been born an alpha like Grandfather speaks about, but he’s our family’s alpha—he’s my alpha, and his opinion matters to me very much.

  Is he angry with me? Angry that he didn’t get a say about this? My heart pounds harder at the thought, and my need to please my alpha mate has me taking a cautious step forward. “Remington?” I breathe out.

  The sound of my voice snaps both men out of their strange trance, and they blink their dazzling eyes at me before glancing briefly at each other. I gasp in shock—and somewhat horror—as a glistening tear falls from Ash’s eye and Remy erupts in booming, happy laughter. The two very large men move to embrace one another, clapping each other on the back. My head tilts to the side as I watch them curiously, confused by their actions. As adorable as the two of them are right now, I can’t but help think how very strange men are.

  Ash turns away from Remy to look at me and I feel my whole world stop. There are no words to describe the look he gives me in that moment. The wide smile, the tears, the love that radiates out of this man…it’s all too much for me. I rush to Ash, jumping as high as I can so that I can wrap myself around him like a pretzel. I sob with my face buried in his neck, inhaling his fiery scent, and hold on to him like my life depends on it. This man, all of my men, couldn’t be more beautiful if they tried, both inside and out. I have no idea why I’m crying. Maybe happiness, maybe because I’m so utterly confused as to what I’ve done in my life to deserve them, and the very real fear that one day they will ask the same question. But I can’t seem to stop.

  My mates let me cry out whatever emotions I needed to exorcise for what feels like forever. With Ash glued to my front and Remy plastered to my back, I’m not sure if I ever want to move again. Eventually, though, Remy gently coaxes me down and places me back on my feet. Ash’s huge hand rubs at my back as I’m turned to face Remy. His hand shakes a bit as he slowly brushes my hair away from my face, until every strand is tucked behind my ears. His rough fingers continue to caress my face, running under my chin and eventually over my lips with the barest of touches. He kisses me then, soft and sweet and completely devastating to my already too-full heart.

  “Kitten…” He whispers my name like a prayer, sinking to his knees in front of me and placing his forehead against my tummy. I take the opportunity to run my hands through his coarse hair that reminds me of the sky at sunset, scratching lightly at his scalp with my nails as he likes me to do. Remy starts to speak a couple of times, but it’s as if he can’t find the right words to say. I give him time, eventually moving my free arm to hold him to me. I’ve decided that I very much like this position and I don’t want him to move.

  “I
don’t think I can ever explain what this child means to me, Kitten. I’ve lived for so many years, so many decades and centuries, knowing I could never be a father. Knowing I would never have a son to teach to hunt or fish, or even ride a bike. Or a daughter to look at me in that way only daughters can look upon their fathers. Like the sun rises and sets by my willpower alone, that no harm could ever come to her because I’m her dad and no man will ever be greater. I’ve watched so many children be born to this world, so many families made and I…this child, this little life growing inside of you, is my deepest desire come true.” He raises his head to look at me, even though we’re nearly face to face as is.

  “You, Kitten, are my greatest love, my deepest joy, and now you’re going to be the mother of my child. The words “thank you” will never be enough, but I vow to spend every waking moment of the rest of my life showing you how grateful I am to have you in my life. You brought my family closer together already, in our shared love for you, and now you give us a new member. A new life to cherish, and celebrate, and love.”

  My mouth opens to speak, but no words come out. Tears of my own spring up and make warm tracks down my cheeks as I try to form a response worthy of such a declaration. “So, you’re not mad.” I blurt. So glad I took the time for that lovely thought, I chastise myself mentally. Both Remy and Ash laugh, each of them hugging me once more before clearing their throats and taking a deep breath.

  Remy gets to his feet and smiles down at me, shaking his head. “I could never be angry at you for such a gift, Love.”

  “I’m not as eloquent as Rem, but what he said holds true for me, too. I’m happy with the family I already have, but this child already means the world to me, Baby,” Ash tells me.

  I giggle at his use of my nickname. “I don’t think you can all me that anymore, Ash. The baby will be Baby, right?”

  Ash narrows his eyes roguishly. “I’ll call either of you whatever I like, as both of you will always be precious to me and protected by me. You’re both mine to care for.”

  “Oh, really? Does that mean I call you ‘Baby’, then? You’re mine to care for,” I joke.

  “Oh, please do. I insist,” Remy prods with a devilish grin. Ash just shakes his head and rolls his eyes at the two of us.

  Wow. Feast is an understatement. “Tristan, you have outdone yourself, truly,” I tell him with awe. The large conference table in the meeting room is almost completely covered with piled plates of food. Hams, turkeys, and several whole chickens make a line down the center of the table, surrounded by mashed potatoes, ears of corn, salads, baked breads, and even a few things I have no name for. I don’t know where to start. Part of me just wants to roll around in it all and take bites of whatever ends up near my face.

  “Aww, you broke her, Tris,” Logan jokes with an elbow to Tristan’s side. When I narrow my eyes at him playfully, he just sticks his tongue out at me.

  “I’m not broken, just…awed, I guess. How did you make all of this? And it smells so wonderful!” I make my way to Tristan and wrap my arms around his torso as hard as I can. “Thank you.”

  “Anything for my girl,” he tells me with a peck on my forehead. “And wolf speed does help a bit, though I had plenty of helpers today. Mike, here, was one of them; we may have a budding chef on our hands with that one,” he says fondly, looking to Mikey, making him blush in embarrassment.

  “Yeah! I helped. I peeled potatoes and carrots and got to smash them, too!” Mikey tells me excitedly.

  Jace grunts in amusement. “You put the kid on scut work?”

  Tristan shrugs a shoulder. “Every good chef starts out on the bottom.”

  “I bet you did,” Logan mumbles with a wicked grin.

  Ash and Remy laugh as Tristan releases me to chase a cackling Logan around the table. There was probably a joke in there somewhere, but it’s over my head. All of the guys have been playful and lighthearted today. More smiles and laughter and back-patting have gone on since this morning than I’ve experienced in a lifetime. I like this. I like seeing them all so happy.

  I let Mikey pull me to a seat near the middle and sit beside him as he tells me about his day in the kitchen. I’ve been thinking all day about how to break the news to him. I’m not sure how much he’ll care one way or the other, but it’s important to me to go about this the right way with him. I also feel like since bringing him home from the hospital Mikey and I haven’t spent much time together, and there’s a lot of things left unsaid and undecided between us. I did, however, come to a decision today. I thought about waiting until I spoke with all of my mates, but even then, my own mind is made up. They can choose whatever they wish, but it won’t change for me.

  A natural lull in conversation in the middle of dinner has me shifting nervously as I look to Mikey, watching him dip bits of his chicken into gravy. “Mikey, I want to talk to you about something.”

  He drops his chicken, eyes going wide as he sits back and turns to me with his palms out. “It wasn’t my fault! Perry started it, and Morris was the one who drove it! I told them they’d get in trouble. I only got in to make sure they didn’t get hurt.” He nods his little head emphatically.

  I blink at him at few times. “Uh…what?” Well, this isn’t how I thought this would go.

  “He’s talking about him and his friends getting a hold of one of my forklifts. They managed to push the right controls to get it work and went for a little joyride,” Remy explains, the reproach clear in his voice.

  I put my head in my hands and sigh. Clearly this was something we’d have to address, and it only adds to my guilt about not watching him like I should.

  I try again. “That isn’t what I wanted to talk about, Mikey. Please just listen for a moment, because I want you to think about this seriously. I don’t want to push you into anything, and I want it to be your decision only, okay?”

  I can almost see the walls slam down over his emotions. Given everything that has happened to him in his young life I’m not surprised, though it hurts to see it all the same. “O…kay?”

  “It’s nothing bad,” I promise quickly. “It’s just that…ever since you to came to live with us there’s been an open-ended question about what we are to each other. I think of you as family now, and I think I considered you family for a long time even before. I just didn’t know what it really meant. Does that make sense?” I’m rambling and I know it.

  “Sort of,” he answers warily.

  “Well, you see, I left it up to you before, about whether you would see me as more of a sister or aunt or… a mother figure.” I pause, trying to read him. He just looks confused.

  “Yeah?”

  “And, well, it’s still up to you, of course, but I’d like to take on more of a mother role for you. I feel like leaving it open before may have made you think I didn’t want to. Honestly, I didn’t know if I wanted to. I didn’t and still don’t know what it means really, but I’d like to try.” My heart feels like it’s beating way too fast and I’m so nervous.

  Mikey takes his time answering, pushing food around his plate before looking back to me. “You mean you want to be my mom?”

  I, too, take my time answering, but for different reasons. He could say no. “I do. I found out earlier today that I’m going to have a baby. After some thought I realized that, while this might be my first baby, it won’t be my first child. Not the first child that I’d die to protect, not the first child that I’d do anything to make happy and safe. I already have a child I’d do those things for. You. You mean the world to me, Mikey. I’m probably a horrible pick for a mom, but you have me if you want me.” I try to smile, but I’m near tears for some reason.

  To my absolute horror, he laughs. Like really hard, holding his stomach laughing. Then he throws his thin little arms around me in a side hug. Speaking lowly, so he thinks only I can hear, he tells me, “Okay, Mom.” Tears sting the back of my eyelids as I feel a hole I wasn’t aware of stitch itself back together again in my chest.

  “Really?�
�� I pull back so I can see his face. He looks happy, lips turned up in a grin. I awkwardly put my arms around him, too, pulling him closer.

  He pulls away first, already nodding up and down. “Yeah. Back at the ice rink, I used to tell new kids that you were my mom. They didn’t believe me, but I didn’t care.” He shrugs like it’s nothing. While he goes back to his food, considering the matter over and done with, I finally glance around the table, not knowing what to expect from my men.

  Kellan and Finn are seated across from me, so my eyes land on them first. Twin grins greet me and I can tell they aren’t angered. Jace’s golden eyes shine with something I can’t understand, and Logan smirks like he knew this was coming. Ash is hard to read, but he nods once in approval. Remington gives me a look like we’ll talk about this later, but his body is relaxed and I get a sense of approval from him as well. Reed mouths, “I love you” with a smile, while Tristan leans around Mikey to kiss the top of my head. No one makes a big deal out of the discussion, simply going back to enjoying their meal, and I’m thankful for it. I really don’t want to start crying again. It might give Mikey the wrong idea, and I honestly can’t predict how long the crying will take anymore.

  I let out a relieved and calming breath. Knowing that, no matter their reactions, I would still feel the same about Mikey didn’t mean that I wasn’t worried about what they thought. I’ll proudly claim the title of mom, but that doesn’t mean that they had to stand up and take on the role of Mikey’s father. Or, well, fathers. I still don’t know if they will, or if they want to, but from this day forward Mikey Ivaskov is my son. I’ll have to figure out this whole mom thing as soon as possible, because I want to be a really good one for both him and this baby.