by Lane Whitt
Ash’s hand lands on my back once again, a thick finger going under my chin, pulling my face to look at him. “What’s wrong?” he asks, dark eyes searching.
I close my eyes, fighting back tears of frustration. My body sags in defeat. “Why am I always having to prove myself to people? In my opinion, you trust who you decide to trust and put faith in what you believe in. It’s like everyone I meet wants me to do all the work for them. Every conversation I have lately is me laying myself bare and waiting to see if the other person picks up all the pieces or not. I’m starting to ask myself if any of it is worth it, Ash. And that scares me.”
“You know what? We should have lunch. Yes, lunch sounds like a good plan,” Anna throws out, forced cheer in her voice.
“I would, but I only eat food prepared by a mate of mine who isn’t here. A side-effect from my made-up captivity,” I reply with a bored-sounding sigh. “The Betas and Omega will join you, though. Maybe you all can discuss my untrustworthiness together. I’ll find my own way back.” I stand abruptly, keeping my eyes cast down as I make my exit.
Right now, I couldn’t care less if any of them choose to follow me. I want to be alone. I don’t feel like crying, I don’t feel like screaming or kicking anyone. I just feel tired on a level I’ve never understood before. Not the sleeping kind of tired, but the why-bother-with-anything kind.
I make the trek back to the plane without incident, a few half-shifted wolves following far behind me and stopping to turn back once they seem satisfied I’ll make it there on my own. Once inside, I go to the small bedroom and fall back on the bed, my feet and legs dangling off the end. I stare at the ceiling for a long time, listening to my steady heartbeat and even breathing. Why do I feel like my life just snuck up on me and I’ve ended up in a place I don’t want to be? I really, honestly, don’t want any of this. I want what I’ve always wanted. A family, a home filled with love, warmth, and happiness. I have a family now, sure. But do I really have the other things when having this family comes with so many strings that I feel like I’m tied up within its web?
I had everything I wanted once. For that brief amount of time with the guys at their house. Before Marcus went and messed it all up. That time was beautiful. Perfect in every way. I was getting to know the guys, falling more in love with them every day. I was just figuring out who I was when I wasn’t struggling to just live.
Now, so much has changed and I feel like it was forced on me. On all of us. There are two mes now. The me from before and the me now. I feel like there is no in between, no gradual, natural shift from one to the other. I don’t want to go back to being the me from before. I would never give up being with the guys and having Mikey, Maksim, and even Albert in my life. Though, I can’t help but miss the simplicity and freedom of my life before. Life was pretty simple when my only focus was on my next meal and where to sleep at night. It wasn’t pretty, but it was simple. While I will always cherish the relationships I’ve managed to build with the many people in my life, they require a certain delicate balance of time, energy, and effort that I just can’t seem to get right, no matter how hard I try.
This new me is constantly messing up, saying and doing the wrong thing at the wrong time. Being questioned and picked apart piece by piece. Why did I go here? Why did I speak to that person? Why am I running down the hall? Why don’t I know this or that?
Constant questions about everything I do, but no answers for me when I’m the one asking. For a person capable of knowing all the things, as Finn suggests I am, there sure is a lot of information I don’t know.
The question I want an answer to the most is when will I be able to just live my life with my family? I mean, do all families have to worry about so many outside influences? Do they always share their time with so many others, to the point that they hardly see each other?
Maybe if I knew it was normal and that I’d get used to it, I could cope better. Right now, I just see a life I came from that I don’t want to go back to, and a life ahead of me that I don’t see me ever wanting.
Chapter Nine
From behind the screen over the small window I can see that the sun is setting, the day almost done. I imagine that the three others with me are giving me space after my little show earlier. That’s probably best, as I don’t know what to say to them anyway.
Eventually I take out my phone, scrolling through all the apps, seeing if anything catches my interest. I don’t want to listen to music, or research on the internet, or look through the hundreds of photos I’ve taken with the thing.
I keep coming back to the contacts app that looks like a little notebook. I decide to open it, scrolling through the names even though I know the order of everyone listed. I close it, only to repeat the process. Remington’s name shines out at me over and over again.
Against my better judgment, and with nothing to say, I press the call button.
He answers on the second ring. “Hello?” he answers groggily.
I chew on my lip for a moment, finally answering with a lame, “Hi.”
The line is silent for a while. Remy eventually asks, “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah.” I go back to chewing on my lip, though now it’s to try to stop from crying yet again. I don’t even know why I feel like this.
Remy doesn’t push for the reason I called him. He simply waits me out. I can hear his breathing and when he shifts around in his bed or wherever he’s sitting.
“I don’t know why I called,” I tell him after a while. I don’t feel like hanging up, though.
“That’s okay,” he tells me. “I like when you call me.”
Silence reigns again as I go back to staring at the ceiling, warm tears leaking from my eyes and tracking down to my hair. “I don’t know why I’m crying,” I tell him, for some reason hoping he can tell me. It’s dumb, but true.
“I wish you wouldn’t cry, Love. Are you sad?” he asks.
I shrug. “I don’t know.”
“Are you…angry about something?” he guesses.
“Probably,” I consider.
A long time passes before he asks his next question. “Are you lonely?” He says it so softly I almost miss it.
A sob escapes me, unbidden. I cry harder, eventually pulling the phone away from my face to curl up on my side. I don’t know what I feel, but lonely sounds like an accurate description to me. In a sense, I am lonely. Not for lack of people around me, but the lack of people who seem to understand me. Even I don’t understand me.
After some time, I pick up the phone and check if Remy if still there. Of course, he is. “Sorry.” I sniffle into the phone.
“You don’t have to be sorry. I’ll stay here as long as you need me to,” he answers sweetly.
“Thanks.”
More time passes and I’m eventually able to start a real conversation with him. “I don’t know who I am. Sometimes I wonder if I ever knew. It’s like I’m lost and I don’t like who everyone is trying to make me.”
“Those are some deep thoughts, Love. Can I ask what brought this on?” His concern is evident in his tone. I almost regret bringing it up.
I blow out a breath. “I think it’s been building up, but Kendrick wanting to literally fact- check everything I shared with him today was the last straw. I don’t know who I am, what I’m doing, or why I’m even doing it anymore.”
Remy makes a “hmm” sound. “I’m no Finn, but I’m thinking this is all part of a delayed reaction to the changes you’ve gone through these past few months. You’ve been through a lot lately. Things a lot of people would struggle with; you’ve always bounced back quickly, but maybe it’s time you slow down a bit to process.”
“Are you sure you’re not Finn?” I tease. Remy laughs, the sound making me smile. I love his laugh.
“Maybe you’re right, but I’m not sure where that leaves me.” I sigh dejectedly.
“I don’t know what to tell you, Kitten. Believe me, I wish I did. All I can tell you is that I’ll be here for you
and do whatever I can to help you. We all will. Whether that means giving you space, sitting on the other end of a phone while nobody speaks, or holding you when you cry out your frustrations. We’re here for that, Love. Ups, downs, and every twist in between.”
“I know that. I mean, I’ve heard it and I even believe it. Doesn’t mean that I understand it. I’ve been trying to, I really have. Sometimes I even think I’ve figured it out, but I always end up lost all over again,” I try to explain.
“You don’t have figure out everything right now. Knowing yourself, knowing others…it takes time, and sometimes things change anyway. Life isn’t a quiz where there’s a right answer to every question. No one is testing you and waiting for you to fail,” he tells me.
“It feels like that, though. I’m always being told that I’m thinking wrongly, or I’m acting wrongly. That I don’t know what I should know, and I don’t do what I should do. If I say something, then it should be trusted to be true. If I do something, then I should be allowed to do it. I’m always having to prove myself to someone, and I guess I just don’t know the why of it.” I vent my earlier thoughts.
Remy sighs deeply. “This includes me and the rest of your mates, I take it. There’s a difference between being true to yourself, and doing whatever you feel like while everyone around you falls in line.
“That’s relationships for you. Sometimes even the people closest to you are capable of disappointing you and hurting your feelings. It happens. People make mistakes. Learn from them and move on. Love isn’t all or nothing, Kitten. You can love someone and be disappointed in them at the same time. We’ll learn who you are as you learn that yourself, and you’ll learn who we are. The same holds true for Mike, your grandfather, and even our future child. You’re going to struggle with this a little more than most, because you didn’t have healthy relationships throughout your formative years. It doesn’t make you less, it just makes you unique.”
I nod as I think it over. “I guess that makes sense. I’ve never thought about it like that before.”
“As for everyone else? Yes, they will expect you to prove yourself to them. You’re young, a female wolf in an all-male Alpha world, and you weren’t raised in wolf society. But you know what, Kitten? Just because they expect you to, doesn’t mean that you have to. If Kendrick is having a hard time believing something you told him, that’s his trust issues not yours. Either the man wants peace and he’s willing to put his own shit aside and try, or he wants war and no matter what you do he’ll chase after it. That’s his choice.”
Some of the weight I’ve felt pressing down on me lifts as he speaks. It’s new insight from a source of great wisdom. “Thank you, Remy. I needed that.”
“Anytime, Love. I meant every word of it. Do me a favor?” he asks.
“Anything,” I answer quickly. It’s the least I could do after holding him hostage on the phone until he made me feel better.
Remy chuckles darkly. “Careful with that,” he warns playfully.
“Promise me that you won’t sit around alone? Jace can be cold as ice when he’s hurt, but he cares about you. And Ash just wants to be wherever you are. He’ll turn into a snarling beast if you shut him out for too long.”
I giggle at that, knowing it’s true. “Okay, I promise.”
“I miss you,” I add on a tired sigh.
“Now you know I’m just a call away. I miss you, too, beautiful. Hurry home to me,” my Alpha almost whines.
I laugh again. “I will. I love you, Remington.”
“Love you, too.” I hear the smile in his voice as he ends the call.
I feel infinitely better after my call with Remy. While I know nothing has changed and I still feel as lost as ever, I now feel as if I’m not lost alone. Maybe we’re all lost, and maybe we can turn this all around to be some kind of adventure. Or, maybe I’m just really tired and I should get some sleep to keep the crazy at bay.
Chapter Ten
I jerk awake at the alien feeling inside my tummy. It almost felt like… there it is again! I’m being kicked… From the inside.
Pulling up my sweater I watch in horror and terror as a lumpy mass pushes against my insides, making me look deformed. Then it kicks me again, and I think I might pee myself. With a shriek I hurry to the bathroom, quickly doing my business and washing my hands without drying them before practically running to find Ash.
Both of my mates are seated at one of the tables with Albert, already dressed and ready for the day, Jace’s hair still wet from a recent shower. I shift uncomfortably on my feet as I stop next to Ash, tapping his shoulder until he removes the headphones over his ears.
One look at my face has his body freezing and his eyes scanning the plane. “What’s wrong?” he asks once he scans around for the threat, coming up empty.
I lift my sweater again, pointing to my belly. “I think the baby is trying to escape!” I explain hysterically.
Ash’s head rears back like I’ve slapped him and he makes a face. “Uh, what?”
Why is he not panicking, too? “The baby…it keeps kicking me and pushing on me like it’s looking for an exit. What do I do?”
Before I even finish speaking the baby is back at it, doing the lumpy ball thing that makes it looks like I have a baseball rolling around under my skin. I feel queasy as I watch.
Ash’s eyes double in size, his mouth parting as his tongue slips out to wet his lips. His hands come up, one landing on my hip with a slight shake, the other spreading out over my bare stomach. The baseball reacts violently, kicking at his hand repeatedly. Ash swallows thickly, his eyes closing momentarily. Just when I think he’s starting to understand why I’m freaking out, he opens his dark eyes and stares at me with tears in the corners and the happiest smile I have ever seen grace his face.
I. Do. Not. Understand.
I seek out Jace, wondering if he will help me, but he too is wearing a sappy smile as he stares at my belly. I drop my sweater as I place both hands in my hair, slightly pulling it. “Guys, why are you happy? Don’t you understand that this is bad? It’s trying to get out when it’s supposed to stay in, and it’s angry and trying to hurt me.”
Jace makes a squeaking sound, but when I glance at him again his lips are pressed firmly together and his eyes are on Ash, not me. If I didn’t know any better I’d swear he was trying to hold in laughter. But this situation isn’t funny.
Ash leans his head down and starts whispering to the baseball. “I know you’re having fun in there, but I need you to relax, little one. You’re scaring your mama. Don’t worry, we’ll explain everything to her and then she’ll calm down.”
“Explain? Explain what?” I ask.
Jace holds out a hand to me. I take it instinctively and he tugs me around the side of the table to stand in front of him, the same way I had Ash. “This is normal, Kitten. The baby has probably been moving around for a while, but only recently has become big enough for you to be able to notice. He’s not trying to escape. Trust me, he wants to stay in there for as long as possible and get big and healthy.” A small smile plays on his lips, his gold eyes shining as his fingertips play lightly over my skin. The baseball seems to follow his movements.
“Then why is it so angry and violent? You don’t kick someone unless you’re mad,” I question. Though the baseball is making me out to be a liar right now, as it seems calmer than it was before.
“I don’t think he’s kicking you because he’s angry, Doll,” Jace says smoothly.
“Do babies even get angry? Do they know how?” Ash asks, but it’s not as if I know the answer to that.
“Let’s call the guys and ask. Reed might know if the baby is angry or not,” Jace suggests.
Ash has his phone out in a heartbeat, putting it on group chat or whatever it is when everyone can hear it.
“Hey, Rem, I have you on speaker.” Oh, right, speaker phone.” “Can you call the other guys to you? There’s been a new development.”
“Is everyone all right?” Remy
rumbles out.
“It’s a good thing, not a bad one,” Jace tosses out with eyes on me. I stick my tongue out at him. He doesn’t know how weird it feels, even if it is a good thing.
“Give a few and I’ll call you back once I have everyone,” he tells us before the call ends.
I’m snacking on crackers, sitting in Ash’s lap with his hand under my sweater when the phone rings. Ash quickly swipes the screen, not bothering to say hello before he launches his first question. “Do babies get angry?”
There are a few snickers from the other end and a shushing sound before Finn speaks. “Most people believe that fetuses have no feelings or emotions of their own. However, more recent studies have proven that they can sense whatever the mother is feeling, as hormones are released with emotions, and the fetus will receive the same surge of hormones as the mother. Keep in mind all of these studies were on humans, and our baby will not be a human child.”
“Now that that odd question is out of the way, what new development were you speaking of earlier?” Remy asks.
“The baseball tried to escape earlier, and they tried to tell me it was normal that it was so violent and that it wasn’t trying to escape,” I explain quickly, polishing off the last of the crackers and wishing there were more.
Ash and Jace roll their eyes dramatically as the other end is dead silent. From farther away from the phone I hear Logan ask, “Did she just say a baseball tried to escape?”
Followed by Kellan’s quiet answer of, “It’s ungodly hot there this time of year. Maybe she’s having a heat stroke.”
“The baby started moving around today and it freaked Kitten out. She thinks he was angry at her and wanted out. I’m pretty sure she’s referring to the baby as a baseball because it sort of looks like that when he pushes against her stomach,” Ash explains.
“Oh.” Several relieved sighs sound at once.