“I struggle...with sharing. It’s not only to you, the others, too. I just can’t seem to rely on others. I’m afraid to. I’d rather heal and be the listener than share my insecurities and thoughts. It’s always been that way, but when you look at me like that—” He trailed off, tightening his hold around me.
I could sense his hesitation; it reminded me of Midnight and her hesitation to reveal why she disliked Daniel. I was in such a difficult position; unable to choose whose side to stand on.
I wanted to know more about Daniel, but would I have to exchange Midnight’s past to get him to open up? And was that exchange worth Midnight’s distrust?
We both experienced what Daniel was experiencing, and could both agree that it would take some time, something we’d have to respect.
My arms tightened around him, wanting to feel his closeness. His confession was enough to calm my anxiety regarding us, but I knew deep down it wouldn’t satisfy it. I felt a weird sensation flow through me – caution. I felt confused, not understanding why I suddenly felt cautious of Daniel. Midnight?
I felt a tingle like sensation flow into my mind, but no words were spoken.
“She probably wants to remind you of her dislike of him.” Hope’s melodic voice echoed against the walls of my mind; the soothing sound calmed me down immediately.
I’ve missed you Hope.
“And I’ve missed you Makoto. Please take it easy. Your body’s struggling to regain its magic levels, especially after your outburst. I just don’t want you becoming ill again.”
I closed my eyes, sending comforting waves of emotion through my mind. My spirits had been very vigilant the last couple of days, barely entering my mind; they had only entered to greet me, when I woke up and to wish me goodnight before bed.
Rose occasionally checked in, but even she was very cautious as to how long she lingered, before fading to her designated spot. I had to admit, a part of me missed their constant bickering. I’d probably regret such a confession later on.
Thank you, Hope, for caring. I’ll be careful, I promise...love you.
“And we love you, too. Tell Daniel and his angel I say hi.” She bid farewell, leaving my mind, the quietness that followed made me apprehensive and afraid. When would this loneliness stop taunting me?
“Makoto.”
I glanced up, my eyes wide from the sudden calling of my name.
Daniel frowned; his displeased expression confused me. “How long have you been feeling this way?” he questioned.
“I don’t know what you’re referring to,” I whispered, glancing away, unable to look him in the eye.
“Makoto,” he repeated; his voice stern. It was quite apparent he wasn’t going to let this go.
“Ever since I woke up from being in that coma or whatever it’s called. I haven’t been able to rid myself of this agonizing feeling of loneliness. I don’t know, maybe it’s because my spirits aren’t as present in my mind as they were before or the fact I’d been stuck indoors till yesterday. Then I argued with Elias and fucked that up pretty bad. The feeling just keeps coming back, and I can’t ignore it. I want it gone. I hate feeling alone...I don’t want to be alone again in that darkness...it was so cold.” I swallowed, squeezing my eyes shut.
I’d only been able to tell Ryder in detail of the darkness I had experienced during those agonizing two weeks, unable to explain without breaking down into tears. I doubt anyone could understand the extent of my fear or the bone gripping chill that surged through me with the thoughts of the cold darkness that consumed me for hours.
“Mako. It’s okay.” He sat up, still holding me in his arms before repositioning me into his lap as I began to cry.
“I hate this. I haven’t felt like this since Lily’s death, feeling so fucking worthless and I don’t understand why. I’m free now! I have you guys around me to comfort me and my spirits. Even Midnight’s frequent appearances should help me, yet I still feel so empty and alone.
I never broke down when they use to beat me constantly in the facility or locked me in the freezing dungeons for Starlight knows how long. I watched the shifters who I once called family die every day, some by our blood-soaked hands and I never felt like I do now. I reached my limit trying to save the people I care about and I can’t beat this stupid emotion! I want it gone!”
I felt so angry at being so weak and vulnerable. I didn’t want to feel this way anymore. I wanted to focus on enjoying my newly obtained freedom with the people I loved. Not reminded by the experience that tormented my mind the last five days, tugging at my conscious in a desperate effort to take control once more.
“Makoto. Calm down,” Daniel whispered, his voice laced with worry.
“Daniel. You don’t get it! It won’t stop. It won’t leave me alone! Every time I close my eyes I’m reminded of that darkness. I’m forgotten, nothing but a mere memory with no way out and no voice to speak. I’m forced to sleep because I have to recover, but the moment my eyes close, it’s just another endless battle. I know I’ll get over it; maybe...I just can’t handle it right now. I just want to know why I feel this way. Am I sick? Is this a part of me having four spirits? Can’t anyone give me a fucking explanation as to why I can’t get rid of this?” I argued, glaring at him with tear-filled eyes.
We stared at each other for a long moment, before he reached out and tightened his hold around me, pulling me against his chest while his hand soothingly stroked my head.
I continued my frustrated cry, until I had no more tears left. I bet he thought I was a failure. Maybe they thought I was pathetic and weak, after once displaying such power and strength.
“Makoto, you’re not pathetic or weak. Everyone deals with some type of crisis in life, sometimes multiple times throughout their cycles. We don’t love you any less for showing such vulnerabilities. It’s not wrong or frowned upon. I’m sorry we were dishonest with you and we’ll get through this together, okay?” Daniel soothed; his voice took on it’s singing like sound as it traveled through the room.
“I just want to go back to how it was before the exam,” I whispered.
“Mako...we’ll work with Karen and Matthew in figuring out why you’re feeling like this. We can stop it temporarily...but…I want your permission on this. It’s not gonna rid you of it permanently. It’s a simple quick fix till we pin point exactly why it’s happening and how to solve it. Are you okay with that?” he proposed.
I lifted my head to nod repeatedly. I wanted this dreadful feeling gone, even if it’s temporary.
Daniel’s hand pressed firmly on my tear stained cheek, steadying my head to look him straight in the eye. “Makoto. Seriously give a minute to think about it. If we don’t find the solution for it, we may have to continue reapplying the spell until we reach Heila. I don’t know if it’s going to make it worse. Do you still want to do this?” he emphasized, his eyes filled with concern.
“I need it gone Daniel...I – I rather have nightmares than face such trepidation every time I close my eyes or sit alone. I don’t want to be rendered helpless anymore. Even if it’s temporary or I have to wait till we reach Heila to get answers it’s a risk I’ll take. It’s better than carrying this burden every day and night. Please?” I begged, hoping he saw and heard my desperation.
He nodded before his eyes lit up, the golden light more powerful than normal.
A strong wave of anger went through me. I closed my eyes for a moment, toning the emotion that claimed me. Midnight...please. I get it, but I need this. Please.
The sensation calmed, a wave of regret followed before disappearing altogether. I understood her rage. Witnessing her experience and heart break those cycles ago, but I couldn’t deal with that now. Not with this problem before me.
I let out a sigh of relief before opening my eyes again to glance up at Daniel; his eyes closed as the markings on his shoulder blades began to glow.
Once this is finished – once he’s done, I would no longer fear the wisps of darkness attempting to drag me dow
n into the void of loneliness and depression.
“Dear Starlight, listen to Thy plea. Dissolve the lingering emotions of loneliness from our Princess’ soul. Lock it in a safe within, the key in my disposal, as I guard such forsaken feelings from doing harm to our Makoto anymore. Allow the chains to prevent its escape as we search for the answers to its blossoming. I apply this spell on thee, my love, to return you to your unrestricted self. Be free.”
I felt my body grow warm as my eyes became heavy, the arms held me steady as I fell back into Daniel’s warmth.
I felt my conscious waver; the darkness crept into my mind, but instead of the anticipated cold, it was warm and loving. I smiled, feeling a tear fall as I allowed my body to relax before my conscious started to drift away.
Even if it’s temporary, I’ll be free to focus on other things...to enjoy my time with my knights. All I need is time to heal...then I’ll be ready for you. You may have won for now Darkness, but I won’t let you win this war. In Starlight’s name, I’ll get my revenge. In stars, we trust.
~RYDER~
I pulled away from the small gap in the door, a sigh of relief escaped me as the distress-filled feeling oozing off Daniel through the knight bond faded.
I’d been in the living room when his sheer panic leaked through, prompting me to check on him and Makoto. As much as I wanted to interfere – to be the one to comfort my beloved and ease her pain, I knew Daniel and Mako needed a moment.
I’d sensed Daniel’s wariness for some time now, but struggled to get a moment to pull him aside and have a talk with him. I knew he wouldn’t approach anyone about his problems or internal struggles. You had to force it out of him, before he put himself first and confessed all his troubles.
If things didn’t resolve after Anya’s anniversary, I’d have to intervene. I didn’t want things to get out of hand.
I took one last glance through the small gap in the door; my eyes landed on the sleeping figure tucked in Daniel’s bed, the gold satin sheets nestled against her. Nighty was curled up in a little ball at the end of the bed, one of her tails lazily waved back and forth. She opened one eye, her turquoise orb stared at me. Her eye closed before she nestled into her fur.
I closed the door; the light click gave me the courage to let out the breath I held. Fuck, this is getting out of hand. We need to figure out what’s going on and soon. I don’t think Makoto can take any more craziness for a while.
“She needs a break. Even before the exam, she had some type of distraction – the useless classes and interactions with those shifters helped her not diddle-daddle on her worries or anxieties. The problem is, since waking up she’s either been going under multiple scans or forced to rest. I know she doesn’t hesitate to share her concerns with you, but she doesn’t reveal everything. She simply buries it and hopes it will go away or solve itself. It just continued to build and build, adding the fact she was on strict bed rest and that book contraption the only distraction she had. When you and the others aren’t available she simply spirals down into her thoughts,” Stryker voiced out, irritation lacing his voice.
I knew he wasn’t upset with me but at the current reality; Mako having to deal with all these stressors which affected her spirits, including Rose. He was probably concerned about her well-being with the new development regarding Midnight being a spirit.
Should I have stayed with her longer? Or not left her side when she shooed me away?
“It wouldn’t have mattered Ryder. Whatever this is she’s dealing with is an internal thing. Even with us sitting by her side the first few days, only giving her privacy when she requested it, doesn’t stop the clockwork happening in her mind. There’s nothing you could have done. Maybe with Winterlya’s help, we can figure out the missing puzzle piece,” Stryker reassured before leaving my mind. He always liked stating what was on his mind and leaving, not caring if I agreed or not. How demon-like of him.
“How’s our Princess?”
I opened my eyes, turning to face Kai who was relaxed against the wall, a sketchbook in hand.
“You were awake, weren’t you? Sorry about that,” I apologized.
Makoto had given me a glimpse of how she was dealing with this so-called darkness as she termed it. I’d disclosed her worries with Matthew and Kai, hoping we’d find out what was going on. I didn’t think it would escalate to her dealing with it constantly and breaking down. Stryker was right. She needs a serious distraction, or she’ll break. Then it may not be as easy as casting a spell to fix it.
“Yup. It’s the darkness thing we discussed, right?” He asked for clarification as he pushed himself off the wall, heading towards the living room.
I followed, not wanting to talk about it in chance one of the guys were still awake and made their way down the hall. There’s no need to stress them out when we didn’t know how severe Mako’s situation was.
We pulled out our designated stools, rearranging so we’d face one another as we sat at the kitchen island.
“Yeah. There has to be a reason for it. She never complained about feeling alone until she woke up from her coma. It’s serious, Kai. You can literally see the fear in her eyes,” I confessed, ruffling my hair in frustration. I just wanted to rid her of any struggles, so she could live the life she had never gotten the chance to enjoy.
“There probably is. Winterlya should be here in three or four days if her travels go as planned, so let’s wait and see,” Kai agreed, the mechanical pencil spun between his fingers; the swirled markings on his fingers caught my attention.
We sat in silence, lost in our own thoughts before I remembered my behavior from before.
“I’m sorry for earlier. I shouldn’t have snapped at you guys. I should have known better,” I apologized, bowing my head slightly to him. He shook his head, the spinning pencil came to a forced stop.
“I get it, we all do. You do a fine job with your ability. If it was any of us, we’d probably go on a rampage or go crazy. You have every right to get mad once in a while. This whole situation is frustrating. We don’t know where we stand and can’t go back to Heila until we’re one-hundred percent sure Mako will be okay. I could potentially teleport her there, but it would take a vast amount of energy from me. I’d also rather have two more knights coming with, to secure her safety. Daniel would probably be a must,” Kai acknowledged, spinning his pencil once more as he rested his head in his right hand.
I nodded in agreement. Daniel had to be a mandatory asset if they were going to teleport back. I’d probably let Elias go in the event Midnight made an appearance while we took the longer route back.
“Daniel used his ability on Makoto.”
“As in...” Kai trailed off, looking upset.
“Not like that. He temporarily locked away the loneliness she’s been struggling with. You know he’d never manipulate her emotions. She cares about him. It’s just the issue with Midnight that’s probably adding unnecessary friction between them,” I explained.
“Why does she hate him? Elias told me about it,” Kai asked. He’d been purposely avoiding Mako, wanting to wait till she was stable, before he introduced himself formally.
“I don’t know. I’ve asked Mako about it, but she didn’t linger on the topic for long.”
“What did she say?” He tilted his head, curiosity flooded his face.
“She simply explained it was part of her teen cycles and something happened between Midnight and another shifter in the facility. I guess they had some type of relationship or feelings for one another. Mako stated – you can’t always mend a broken heart.”
“They probably were forced to fight against one another...Midnight clearly being victorious,” Kai proposed.
I clenched my hands in anger at King Aspen’s tactics. I couldn’t begin to imagine how many shifters had perished thanks to his experiments.
“Maybe. Whatever the case may be, it contributes to Midnight’s disgust for angels. Until then, I think we should let Elias or Eli handle it. I know they haven
’t made up yet, but he’s our best bet in this whole situation,” I concurred, praying to the Starlight gods that they would be able to get over this hurdle. When trust is broken it was hard to regain. They all had to start from square one.
“They’ll mend it. I don’t need my gift to predict that. You noticed the way Elyion’s been glancing at Midnight,” Kai pointed out.
“That’s...going to be another matter I’m gonna have to deal with.” I closed my eyes, putting my head down in my hands. Fuck, I need a break from this emotions roller coaster. We all need a fucking break.
“Did she tell Mako about how she erased her memory regarding Jeffrey?” Kai questioned.
“I told her.”
“You…when?” He stared at me with a confused expression.
“When she first woke up. I didn’t want to keep it a secret. It was done for her own good, but I did apologize on Eli’s behalf.”
“And she didn’t show any reaction to it.”
“She shrugged her shoulders and told me not to do something like that again without her knowledge.”
“Or else?” Kai raised his eyebrow.
“She’ll cut our penis’ off while we’re sleeping,” I stated with a blank face.
“Diabolical.” He blinked in shock.
Didn’t blame him. I wanted my penis intact, thank you very much. Note to self – don’t piss off girlfriend.
“I and the others are thinking, we should surprise Makoto,” Kai announced.
“What do you guys suggest?” I inquired. Anything that would get her chirpy, feisty self back would do her some good. She needed some positive outlook in life, especially with the fresh application of the spell.
“Pool party.”
I muffled a laugh; my hand pressed against my mouth to stifle the loud sound that escaped me.
“You’re kidding, right? Daniel absolutely HATES water. If he wasn’t required to bathe or drink it, he’d avoid it all together. He won’t agree to it.”
Tainted Rose (The Starlight Gods Series Book 2) Page 13