Healing the Widower's Heart
Page 8
Paige straightened on the hard bench seat as a sudden idea struck her. Dan Redding counseled his parishioners on many aspects of life, from marriage problems to bereavement. Perhaps Dan could help Nathan in a way that she couldn’t. Man-to-man.
The more she thought about it over the course of the day, the more convinced she became. By the time dinner hour rolled around, Paige resolved to talk to Nathan. She made her excuses to Jerry and Sandy, changed into a simple yellow dress and set off for the main dining room at the inn.
Walking through the ornate Wyndermere lobby always gave Paige a secret thrill. The plush furniture, marble fireplace and exquisite crystal chandelier made her feel like a princess surveying her castle.
She caught her reflection in the mirrored foyer and paused. The light jacket she wore over her dress masked the injuries on her arms, but nothing could fully disguise her discolored cheek. She arranged her hair to cover it a bit better and continued on to the formal dining room. Stepping into the entrance, she glanced out over all the attractively clad guests and gripped her hands together. How would she broach her idea to Nathan without upsetting him?
“Good evening, Miss McFarlane. What can I do for you?” Henry, the manager of the dining room, stood at the reception desk.
“I’m looking for Mr. Porter. Is he here?”
“As a matter of fact, he is. In the far corner.”
Paige scanned the room and spotted Nathan seated alone at a small table for two by the window overlooking the lake. He must’ve requested his own table. The resort usually tried to seat single guests together so they’d get to know each other.
“Will you be staying for dinner?” Henry asked.
“I’m not sure. I’ll have to play that one by ear.”
Now that she was here, her optimism gave way to uncertainty. What kind of reaction would her suggestion receive? She hoped their tentative friendship wouldn’t revert to his previous hostility, but it was a risk she’d have to take.
Putting on her best smile, she crossed the elegant room, greeting staff and guests as she passed. With his back to her, Nathan didn’t see her until she stood right in front of him.
“Hello, Nathan. May I speak to you for a minute?”
His head jerked up. “Paige. Yes, of course.” Manners had him rising from his seat. “Is anything wrong?”
She shook her head. “Everything’s fine.”
Relief washed over his features. He rounded the table to pull out a chair for her. “Please sit down. Have you eaten?”
She remained standing, not wanting to appear as if she’d invited herself to a meal with him. “Not yet. I wanted to talk to you first.”
“Why don’t you join me and we can talk while we eat? I’ve just ordered.”
She hesitated. Eating together in this setting felt too much like a date.
“Please stay. I could use the company.” He flashed a rare smile that literally took her breath away. The sound of clinking cutlery and muted conversation faded into the background. She was aware only of his eyes on hers and his hand at her back.
“In that case, sure.”
Nathan helped her with her chair, then signaled to one of the waiters, who came to take her order.
“This certainly beats the staff cafeteria,” Paige said when he sat down.
“Your coworkers will be jealous.” His voice held a hint of laughter as he took a sip of his iced tea.
“Yes, they will.” She unrolled her utensils from the linen napkin. In the center of the table, a slim vase held a single pink rose and a small candle flickered in its glass holder. Paige swallowed, feeling more and more as if she was on a date. She looked up to see Nathan watching her, a question in his eyes. How did she bring up the topic of Dan Redding?
“Zach enjoyed the church service this morning.” She attempted to sound casual. “I thought you might’ve come with him.”
A nerve ticked in the tight line of his jaw. “I haven’t been to church in some time now.”
She was glad to know that at some point he’d had faith in God.
“I understand.” She fingered her glass of water, tracing patterns in the condensation forming on the side. “After Colin’s death, I found it hard to go back to church, too. I was angry with God as well as myself. Eventually, my minister helped me to accept forgiveness on a spiritual level.”
The waiter arrived at that moment with their meals, two plates of prime rib and roasted vegetables.
“Why are you telling me this?” Nathan asked quietly.
Steam rose from the meal in front of her. She took a breath and plunged on. “I was hoping you’d come with us next Sunday. For one thing, I could use an adult to sit with the children since I’ll be filling in for the soloist.” She smoothed her napkin onto her lap.
“What’s the real reason, Paige?”
She froze. Could he really see through her like that? Pinned by his gaze, her pulse hammered in her throat. “I want you to meet the pastor,” she admitted. “He and his wife are good friends of mine. His name is Dan Redding. He’s about your age, married with two boys...and very experienced with counseling of all types.”
A confused frown wrinkled his brow. “Are you trying to tell me you want this pastor to take over with Zach?”
“No, no. Zach and I are doing fine.”
“Then I don’t understand.” Exasperation tinged his words.
“I’m sorry. I’ve explained this all wrong.” She paused, trying to gather her thoughts, which seemed to be ping-ponging around in her head. Lately, being around Nathan made her lose her normal composure. “I thought you might benefit from talking with Dan. From a professional standpoint, I think it’s crucial that you deal with your own grief while Zach is dealing with his. Otherwise when you go home, you’ll end up sabotaging the progress he’s made.”
He was silent for so long, she wasn’t sure what to make of it. Had she offended him? She dabbed a bead of perspiration off her lip with a napkin.
“I don’t need counseling,” he said at last, his voice flat.
“Of course you do,” she bristled. “The woman you loved just died in a most tragic manner. Believe me, I know what that’s like.”
Nathan dragged his hands through his hair, marring its usual immaculate condition. “That’s just it. I didn’t love her.”
Paige’s mouth fell open. “I don’t understand.”
Pushing his plate aside, he sighed. “I loved Cynthia when I married her. But that changed the day I found out she’d been cheating on me for almost a year.” His brows drew together, forming a dark line.
Paige winced, trying to imagine a similar situation with Colin, certain the pain of such a betrayal would have been far worse than losing him through death.
“Don’t get me wrong,” Nathan added quickly. “Cynthia’s death saddened me greatly, most of all because Zach will have to grow up without her. For all her faults, she was a devoted mother.”
A wave of sympathy swamped Paige. “Don’t you see, Nathan? You started grieving the minute she walked out on you, and you haven’t stopped. In my professional opinion, you’re stuck in the anger stage and can’t move forward. You need help to do that.”
His eyes narrowed and his jaw tightened.
“Do me a favor. Come next Sunday and meet Dan. See what you think of him before you make a decision.”
His long fingers fiddled with his fork as he considered her words. “I’ll think about it. That’s all I can promise.”
“Thank you.” Relief loosened the air in her lungs and she could breathe again.
She’d managed to get her idea across without damaging their fragile friendship. And no matter what happened with Dan, getting Nathan back to church would be a good thing.
She’d leave the rest up to God.
* * *
“You’re being ridiculous,” she muttered to herself.
It was a beautiful sunny afternoon. What better time to go back and face the place of her attack? Nothing scary about checking on the horses in broad daylight. She wiped her palms on the side of her shorts.
After a lengthy internal debate, she used an old piece of wood to prop the door wide open, and mustering what was left of her courage, she marched into the main corridor toward Mabel’s stall. Very little light penetrated the dim building. Her steps slowed at the sound of the horses’ soft whinnies and Horatio’s hooves stamping out a welcome. Everything was as it should be—very normal.
In the end, the smell undid her. The musty aroma of straw mixed with strong animal scents brought the terror of that night flooding back. Her body trembled as the icy claws of panic gripped her. Turning, she raced out the main door and kept running until she reached one of the cabins. There she stopped and leaned against the wood railing, eyes closed, her breath coming in heaving gasps. Disgusted at her cowardice, she sank onto one of the steps and dropped her head into her hands.
“Hard to go back?”
The masculine voice had her heart hammering before she looked up. Nathan stood a few feet away, looking very fit in tan shorts and a crisp white T-shirt.
Why did his neatness always make her feel so disheveled?
“Harder than I thought.” She swiped her forearm across her damp brow. “It’s infuriating. I have to be able to go in there to look after the animals without freaking out every time.”
He stepped toward her and held out a hand. “Maybe some company would help.”
She stared into his reassuring face and knew she would always feel safe with him. Slowly, she placed her palm in his, and he helped her to her feet. With her hand firmly tucked in his, they walked back to the barn, where he paused outside the dark opening.
“Let me know if you want to leave at any time.”
She nodded and together they entered the open door. It wasn’t as bad the second time, now that she was prepared for the sounds and smells to assault her. The anxiety welled up again, but this time she allowed it to roll over her, taking several deep breaths to get through it.
Nathan kept a strong grip on her hand as they moved forward. From the corner of her eye, she saw Mabel toss her head and snort, as if indignant that Paige was ignoring her. Paige’s attention, however, remained focused on one particular stall. She knew she had to face the location of her attack.
“Are you sure you’re up to this?” Nathan moved beside her.
“Not really, but it’s something I have to do.”
As if by unspoken agreement, he opened the stall door and waited for her to make the next move. Slowly she stepped inside and let the atmosphere sweep over her. The area had been tidied up—the straw removed, the floor swept clean. All traces of blood and violence had, thankfully, been eradicated.
Nathan seemed to sense her need for silence. He stood waiting while she walked slowly around the enclosure, then turned back to face him, hugging her arms across her midsection.
“Nothing here can hurt me.” She was annoyed to find her knees still shaky.
He nodded. “Fear can only have the power you give it.”
Stepping back over the threshold, she lifted her chin. “Then I choose to give it none.”
When Nathan drew her into his arms, she didn’t resist. Once again she found comfort and security there, inhaling the now-familiar scent of him. Finally, because she knew she must, she drew away. “I should feed the horses.”
“I’ll come with you.”
Grateful for his calming presence, she nodded. Nathan followed her to each stall while she filled the feedbags and put out fresh water. She gave Mabel an extra pat, glad to see the vet had cured her digestive issues. When she finished, they left the barn together and she secured the main door.
Sliding her hands into her pockets, she blew out a long breath that lifted her bangs. “Thanks. I don’t know if I could’ve faced that alone.”
“It should get easier each time you go back. Maybe you could have the kids help you in the meantime.” He smiled, then cocked his head. “I was about to go for a jog. Care to join me?”
In her present vulnerable state, Paige shouldn’t risk the temptation of spending more time with him, but how could she refuse when he’d been so kind? She eyed him skeptically. “Make that a walk and you’re on.”
Amusement spread across his handsome features. “A walk it is.”
* * *
They entered the woods and hiked side by side along an obscure path. The cool serenity of the treed area always eased Nathan’s tension. He hoped it would do the same for Paige.
“How do you know your way around these woods so well?” Paige asked.
Nathan glanced over at her. “Part of my daily run cuts through here. The shade keeps the heat bearable.”
“So you run every day?”
“I try to. It’s a much nicer experience here than in the city. No smog or car fumes.”
“It is beautiful here.” She smiled. “That’s a big part of why I keep coming back.”
Nathan ducked under a low-hanging branch, holding it out of the way for her. “And where is home for you?” He found himself wanting to learn everything he could about her.
“Portsmouth, New Jersey. Near Atlantic City. But I’m attending college in New York right now.” She reached down to pluck a flower from beside the path.
Nathan fell in step beside her. The pungent smell of pine and wildflowers drifted around them. “What will you do after you finish?”
“I want to start a grief-counseling program somewhere. Possibly through our local funeral home, affiliated with my church.”
“So you’ll be going back to New Jersey then.” A wave of disappointment slid through him, but he pushed it away. Her future had nothing to do with him.
“That’s the tentative plan. I know my parents are counting on it.”
“You must miss your family.”
“Very much. I’m going home for a few days next month. Mom is planning a big party for my brother Matt’s twenty-first birthday.” She tucked her hair behind one ear. By now, her bruises were barely noticeable.
They came out of the woods onto a path by the lake. Nathan led her to a wooden bench facing the water, where they sat down to rest for a moment.
She slid a glance at him. “What about you? Are you close with your parents?”
“Very close. Probably because I’m an only child.”
“I’ll bet you were horribly spoiled,” she teased.
A smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. “Maybe a little.”
A soft breeze came up, blowing Paige’s hair around her face. Nathan reached over and pulled a strand away from her cheek. The scent of her light perfume filled his senses. Did she have any idea how beautiful she was? Almost against his will, his gaze fell to her mouth, her full lips slightly parted. He knew it was madness, but he couldn’t seem to stop himself. All he could think of was kissing her.
His mouth was a whisper away from hers when she pulled back and jerked to her feet.
“I’m sorry...I should get going.”
Nathan rose as well, disappointment and remorse crashing through him in equal measure. “I’ll walk you back,” he said quietly.
She nodded, and they started along the path in silence, her flushed cheeks giving away her discomfort.
He shoved his hands deep into his pockets, giving himself a mental slap.
Nice going, Porter. Only an idiot would almost kiss a woman when she was getting over an assault.
He n
eeded to get a grip on his emotions and remember that neither one of them was ready for a romantic relationship. The sooner he got that through his thick head, the better off he’d be.
* * *
The crickets and bullfrogs joined efforts to produce a harmonious serenade, but its beauty was lost on Paige. Her mind was preoccupied with Nathan Porter and the terrifying feelings he’d begun to evoke in her.
When had she started to develop romantic interest in Nathan Porter?
A few weeks ago, she barely tolerated the man, and today they’d almost kissed. How had things turned upside down so quickly?
She sighed. Perhaps being rescued by Nathan had made her see him in a romantic light, like some type of storybook hero. Which meant her feelings must be based on fantasy, not reality.
Paige reached her favorite spot by the lake, took off her sandals and waded into the warm, shallow water. There was something soothing about the gentle play of the water over her bare feet, and the sensation of sand squishing between her toes.
Colin used to love the beach back home, especially on days when the ocean was rough and the waves crashed onto the rocks. Pain gripped her heart as she allowed memories buried in her subconscious to resurface once more. Memories of happy times shared with her fun-loving, free-spirited Colin. She remembered them frolicking in the waves, riding Rollerblades in the park and biking on the trails at home. And she recalled with vivid clarity the night he proposed in their favorite restaurant. That had been the happiest day of her life, full of dreams for the future. Dreams that had died along with Colin.
Long-repressed grief rose to the surface. She wrapped her arms around her middle like a shield and allowed the tears to slide unchecked down her cheeks.
Remember Colin lying in that casket. Remember the agony when they lowered him into the ground. That’s what comes from loving too deeply.
She forced herself to relive the suffering, even briefly, as a reminder of why she would never subject herself to such pain again. Why she’d vowed never to love anyone that much, or give someone the power to hurt her.
With the back of her hand, she swiped the tears from her face. Fresh determination filled her senses as she walked back up the beach, sandals in hand. These feelings for Nathan were nothing more than misguided gratitude. Soon Nathan and Zach would return to their lives in New York, and she would go back to school to finish her degree.