Healing the Widower's Heart

by Susan Anne Mason

  He pulled out of the rest area and slid the car back onto the highway. “I should be thanking you for all you’ve done. Zach is improving, and my talks with Dan are really helping. Because of you, I think we’re going to get through this ordeal.”

  “I’m glad,” she said, and meant it. But why did it make her sad to think of the time when Zach and Nathan would no longer need her?

  * * *

  The clock read 1:15 a.m. when Nathan pulled into Mercy Hospital in Portsmouth, New Jersey. He parked the car, then roused Paige and Zach from sleep. Paige stretched and pushed the hair off her face. He could tell by her frown the moment she remembered where they were—and why.

  “We’ll come in with you,” Nathan said, “then play it by ear from there.”

  She nodded and gave him a tremulous smile. Was it his imagination or did she seem grateful for his presence?

  At the information desk, a stout nurse told them Dave McFarlane was on the fourth floor and directed them to the elevators. When the doors opened at their destination, Paige burst out like a racehorse from the starting gate. She looked left and right, then rushed down the corridor straight into the arms of a tall man with shaggy blond hair. Holding Zach’s hand, Nathan watched the man bury his face in her hair, and a stab of jealousy ripped through him. Seconds later, he realized it must be her brother. He expelled a breath and started down the hall toward them. A plump woman, not much taller than Paige, joined the pair, enveloping them both in a warm embrace.

  Nathan held back, giving the family time to reconnect and get their bearings. He caught a glimpse of tears on Paige’s face, and his heart twisted. With every fiber of his being, he prayed they weren’t too late for her to see her father. Paige wiped her face, turned and caught his eye, motioning for them to come forward.

  “Nathan and Zach,” she said, “this is my mother, Donna, and my brother, Matt.”

  Donna looked to be in her midfifties. Her blond hair had faded, but her skin was clear and firm. He could see where Paige got her good features from. Matt, lanky and lean, shook his hand solemnly.

  “I’m sorry to hear about your husband,” Nathan said, turning back to Donna. “It must have been quite a shock.”

  “Yes, it was. Thank God we got him here in time.”

  “Dad’s stable for the moment,” Paige said. “I’m going in to see him.”

  Nathan smiled in relief. “That’s good news. Zach and I will hang out in the waiting area until you’re done.”

  Donna lingered behind until Matt and Paige had entered one of the rooms, then placed her hand on Nathan’s arm. “I want to thank you, Mr. Porter, for driving my daughter all this way.”

  “It was the least I could do. And please, call me Nathan.”

  She gave a weary smile. “Thank you, Nathan. You and your son must stay with us while you’re here. I’ll get Paige to give you directions to the house.”

  “Thank you. That’s very kind.”

  After Donna left, Nathan and Zach waited in the lounge, watching late-night talk shows. When Paige finally came to find them, she looked exhausted but relieved.

  “He’s going to be okay. It was a relatively mild attack after all.”

  Nathan rose to cross the room. “That’s great.”

  “They want to monitor him for a couple of days and run a few tests.” She smoothed a hand over her hair, fiddling with the stray strands. Dark purple smudges stained the skin under her eyes.

  She was ready to crash, Nathan surmised, both physically and emotionally. How could he get her to go home for some sleep?

  “Your mother offered to let us stay at your house.” He motioned over his shoulder to Zach lying across the seats. “I’d like to take Zach there, if you don’t mind. You look like you could use some rest yourself.”

  Paige frowned. “I don’t think—”

  “That’s a very good idea.” Donna McFarlane entered the small room behind Paige.

  “Mom, no,” she cried, whirling around. “I don’t want to leave Dad.”

  Donna put her hands on her daughter’s shoulders. “Matt and I are here. And Dad’s asleep now. He wouldn’t want you to worry yourself sick. Go and get a couple hours of sleep.”

  Nathan knew Donna had won the moment Paige’s shoulders sagged.

  “All right. But call me if there’s the slightest change.”

  * * *

  Sleeping with Zach on a pullout couch in the McFarlanes’ den proved interesting, although it didn’t deter Nathan from getting several solid hours of rest. The clock read eight o’clock when he woke and made his way to the kitchen, where he found Zach and Paige sitting at the table, sharing a stack of pancakes. The aroma of fresh coffee filled the room. Nathan breathed in the scent appreciatively.

  Paige looked up from her plate and smiled. “Good morning.”

  “Good morning. How are you feeling?”

  “Much better. It’s amazing what a little sleep can do.” She scooped up her dirty dishes and rose. “Help yourself to the pancakes.”

  “They’re awesome, Dad.” Zach grinned, revealing a mouthful of half-eaten food.

  “I’m sure they are.” He sat down beside his son and picked up a plate.

  “Would you like some coffee?” Paige looked fresh and pretty in a yellow top and jeans, her hair pulled back with some sort of scarf. Being back in her childhood home obviously agreed with her. She seemed more relaxed, more like herself.

  “Definitely.”

  “How about I leave the whole pot on the table,” she teased, bringing him a mug.

  “One cup at a time will do, thank you.” He took the mug from her with a smile. “How is your father this morning?”

  “Better, according to Mom. I want to head over soon though, before they take him for more tests.”

  He nodded. “We’ll leave as soon as we eat. After we drop you off, I thought Zach and I might take in a movie.”

  Zach’s eyes widened, and a huge grin split his face. “Awesome. What can we see?”

  “Your pick—as long as it’s child appropriate.” He winked at Zach and cut into his pancakes.

  Zach bounced in his seat, enthusiasm oozing from every pore.

  Paige, on the other hand, stood motionless by the kitchen sink. “I thought you might be heading back to Wyndermere today,” she said quietly.

  Nathan’s hand stilled on his fork. Did she want him to leave? “We can stay as long as you need us.”

  “You’re sure?”

  “I’m sure.”

  Relief swept over her features, and he relaxed. It wasn’t much, but at least she’d let him be there for her when she needed a friend.

  * * *

  Nathan pushed out the door of the diner, carrying a tray of burgers and fries. It was too perfect a day to eat indoors.

  “Over here, Dad.” Zach raced to the closest table shaded by a bright red umbrella.

  Nathan chuckled as he followed the exuberant boy. Zach’s enthusiasm made Nathan feel more alive than he had in months. He’d even enjoyed the animated Disney movie.

  Nathan set the tray on the outdoor table and looped his legs over the bench to join Zach, who immediately plucked a fry from the container.

  “Are we going back to the hospital after this?”

  “We’ll swing by and see how Paige is doing.” Nathan unwrapped a burger and handed it to his son.

  A frown wrinkled his forehead. “Is Paige’s dad going to get better?”

  “The doctors think so.”

  “I’m glad. I really like Paige, don’t you?” Zach lifted the burger to his mouth, sauce oozing from the side.

  “I do.” Nathan shifted on his hard seat.

  “She’s pretty, too, don’t you think?”

  “Yes, she’s pretty.” Nathan reached over
to dab a napkin at the dribble of mustard on Zach’s chin.

  “And you like kissing her, right?”

  Nathan jerked his hand back as if scalded. “What?”

  “You kissed her in the play.”

  “Zachary,” he said, attempting to sound stern. “That was only acting.”

  The boy snorted. “It was a real kiss. I could tell.”

  Nathan’s mind went blank. How did a seven-year-old become an expert on kissing?

  “Are you going to marry her?”

  “Nobody is getting married.” The sharpness of his tone made Zach flinch. Nathan sighed and set aside his soda. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped at you.”

  “That’s okay, Dad.”

  “The truth is,” he said slowly, “I do like Paige, but she’s not ready to date anyone yet. And to be honest, I’m not sure I am, either.” He’d have liked to have had the chance to find out...but apparently it wasn’t meant to be.

  Zach’s shoulders drooped. “I was hoping you could marry Paige, so I could have a new mom.”

  Nathan fought the rush of emotion in his chest and covered Zach’s sticky hand with his own. “Maybe I’ll get married again one day, but first you need time to get over missing your mom.”

  Zach looked up with eyes awash in sadness. “I miss her a lot. Do you?”

  How could one simple question totally disarm him? For his son’s sake, he tried to remember the happier times with Cynthia. “I’m very sad your mom died and that you won’t get to see her again.”

  “Until Heaven,” Zach corrected.

  Nathan smiled. “Until Heaven.”

  Zach poked his straw into his cup. “You were mad at Mom, weren’t you?”

  Nathan fought the urge to vent his frustration. Instead he met Zach’s gaze. His son deserved honesty. “For a long time I was. But now I understand why she left. None of our problems were your fault though. You know that, right?”

  He gave a slight nod.

  “Good. I don’t want you to feel guilty.”

  Zach only shrugged, swirling the ice around and around in his cup.

  “How would you feel about going back home for a day? I have to see some people at the church, and you could visit Grandpa and Grandma.”

  “Are you going back to work?”

  Nathan sensed the fear behind the question. “I’m not sure yet. But no matter what I decide, things will be different this time. I plan to spend a lot more time with you. That’s a promise.”

  His reward was Zach’s huge smile. “I’d like that—a lot!”

  “Good.” Nathan gathered the trash onto the tray. “We’d better get back to the hospital.”

  He rose from the bench seat, stunned when Zach threw his arms around his waist in a tight embrace.

  “I love you, Dad.”

  The dreaded lump returned, and Nathan swallowed hard. “I love you, too, Zach.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  Dave’s room was empty when Nathan and Zach returned to the hospital. Surely the tests were long over by now. Nathan went to inquire at the nurses’ station. The young woman behind the desk shot him a sympathetic look.

  “Oh, I’m sorry. Mr. McFarlane was taken into surgery several hours ago.”

  Nathan frowned. “He wasn’t scheduled for surgery. Is he okay?” His stomach clenched, thinking of Paige. She would be devastated.

  “I don’t know. But you can go up to the next floor. The family is waiting there.”

  He grabbed Zach by the hand. “Thank you.”

  They found the McFarlanes seated in the surgical waiting room on the fifth floor. The women’s red-rimmed eyes and Matt’s grim expression told Nathan that Dave must have taken a serious turn for the worse. Paige looked up as they entered the room.

  Nathan took a seat beside her, wishing he could do more to help. “A nurse said your father had been taken into surgery. What happened?”

  Paige twisted a tissue in her hands until it shred beneath her fingers. “The tests showed three major blockages in his arteries. The doctors wanted to operate right away.” She looked at her watch. “He’s been in for three hours now.”

  “That must have been quite a shock.”

  “It was.” Paige shifted in her chair, moving subtly away from him.

  “Is there anything I can do?” Nathan asked. “Get you some coffee? Some food?”

  “No, thanks.” Paige leaned her head back against the wall and closed her eyes.

  Nathan frowned, hating this return to her previous state of anxiety.

  “Actually,” Donna said, drawing his attention away from Paige, “I wouldn’t mind a coffee and a muffin.”

  Nathan stood, relieved for something to do to combat his feeling of helplessness. “Sure. Matt, anything for you?”

  The younger man shook his head. “Nothing, thanks.”

  Donna leaned forward and patted Paige’s leg. “Honey, why don’t you give Nathan a hand? You know what kind of muffins I like. Zach can stay here and we can get to know each other better.”

  Nathan marveled at Donna’s inner fortitude. Her husband was having major surgery, and despite her own worries, she was trying to make sure everyone else was all right.

  Despite Paige’s protest, Nathan pulled her gently to her feet. “We’ll be back in fifteen minutes.”

  * * *

  Paige trudged down the hall beside Nathan, nursing resentment. What was her mother trying to do? Purposely push her toward Nathan?

  “I know it’s hard to look on the bright side right now,” Nathan said, “but it’s probably good the doctor acted so quickly instead of risking another heart attack.”

  She shrugged and pushed her hands deep into her pockets. “Two days ago my dad was perfectly healthy, or so we thought.”

  They turned a corner, heading toward the elevators, when Nathan suddenly stopped in front of the door to the chapel.

  “Would you like to go in for a minute?” he asked quietly.

  She hesitated only a second, then nodded. She’d been here earlier in the day, but her dad could use as many prayers as possible. Nathan pushed the doors open into a small room and snapped on the light. Several rows of wooden benches sat before a plain white altar. A wooden cross hung on the wall above it.

  Together they entered one of the pews. When she finished her prayer, Paige glanced over at Nathan. His eyes were closed, his head bowed over his entwined hands. Filled with a sudden yearning—for what, she wasn’t sure—she forced her eyes back to the altar for another silent prayer, this time one of thanks for Nathan’s returning faith.

  “How was the movie?” she asked him later as they carried the coffee and muffins back upstairs.

  “Surprisingly good. It made me realize what I’ve been missing. Spending time with Zach that way, I mean.”

  Paige smiled, happy to see Nathan making more of an effort to connect with his son. She knew it was a big part of the reason their relationship had taken such a positive turn.

  As they neared the cardiac care unit, Paige put a hand on his arm. “Nathan, I want to thank you for everything.”

  He smiled. “You’re welcome. I’m just glad I could help after everything you’ve done for us.”

  She paused, moistening her dry lips. “I won’t be able to leave for at least two or three days—until I’m sure Dad’s out of danger. You and Zach should probably head back to Wyndermere. I’ll find a way back when I’m ready.”

  His eyes darkened as he studied her. She wished she knew what he was thinking. A secret part of her hoped he wouldn’t leave, but the larger part feared he would stay. She couldn’t afford to become dependent on Nathan for her emotional well-being.

  A nurse came toward them pushing a squeaky cart of medical supplies. Nathan moved to let her pas
s. “Actually I’ve been thinking of taking a side trip. Maybe Zach and I will do that and touch base with you when we’re done.”

  Paige gave him a quizzical stare, her curiosity piqued. “A side trip where?”

  An unreadable expression crossed his face. “Back home. It’s time to face my past and make a decision about the future.”

  Her stomach lurched at his simple declaration. The reality that Nathan and Zach would soon return to their lives away from Wyndermere hit her hard. “Do you think you’re ready?” she asked softly.

  “I’m not sure. Guess I’ll find out soon enough.”

  * * *

  Driving back into his hometown past all the familiar landmarks, Nathan was unprepared for the onslaught of emotions that hit him. Unlike Zach, who seemed excited to be back, Nathan found the tension returning to his neck and shoulders, as well as a sickening sense of dread swirling in his stomach.

  After dropping Zach off with his parents, who were delighted by the visit, Nathan drove over to Saint Stephen’s church. He parked on the road in front of the red-bricked building and sat staring for a long time. Affection, fear and regret all warred to gain a foothold. At last he blew out a ragged breath and opened the car door. No point in stalling any longer.

  With long strides he made his way up the sidewalk to the front door of the church, used his keys to open it and slipped inside. His eyes took a minute to adjust to the dim lighting. Familiar smells of polished wood and candle wax soothed him, bringing back the innate comfort he used to associate with the building. Gradually the muscles in his shoulders began to unclench. This was his church, his home—there was nothing to fear here.

  When he reached the front, he bowed before the altar, then entered the first pew, raising his eyes to the cross on the wall. A wave of homesickness swept over him, a yearning for his former close relationship with his parishioners, now fractured by his long absence.

  Lord, forgive me for letting them down. For letting You down. Please give me the courage to face the past and guide my decision for the future. Help me to do what’s best for Zach, for me and for my parishioners. Amen.