He shook his head, the darkness in his eyes receding like the inky night sky from the dawn.
“You ever let Simone or Linc sit with you, talk with you, touch you or comfort you after one of your bad dreams?”
“No, little one.”
“You’re vulnerable with me. Unguarded. Not one hundred percent all of the time, but the times you have been are mine, too. But you’re also strong, too. Incredibly strong. You’ve had your own demons to slay, yet you’ve championed my cause, not once but several times. Intervening between me and my stepfather. Setting me up to pursue my dream. You beat up someone who terrorized me. You rescued me and my sister when we were in trouble. You do all that wonderful strong stuff for anyone else?”
“Just you.” His lips curved.
“Just me.” I smiled.
“Fanny.” He shifted, released my hand, but only to pull me more fully into him.
“That’s another thing.” I was worked up now. “How do you do that? Make my unique name sound like something so beautiful.” I placed my hands on his chest, on his silky soft shirt comforted by the warmth of his skin and the steady pounding of the perfect heart I knew beat beneath it.
“It’s not anything I do, little one. That’s just you being you. I don’t think there’s another person on the planet who would have reacted to the things Renee told you or the news that I was HIV positive the way you did.”
“I don’t know about other people. I just know about you and me. And it wouldn’t say very much about me as a person if I rejected you because of something your ex-arrangement girl told me or because you were sick. It wouldn’t say much about my feelings for you, either. It would mean I was pretty superficial.”
“HIV isn’t just a sickness.”
“I know it’s a serious chronic condition. But it’s not a curse, either. Having HIV doesn’t define who you are. It doesn’t mean you should punish yourself or cut yourself off from the world like Quasimodo in his tower. It doesn’t make you unlovable if that’s what you think.”
“I got it being irresponsible with the drugs and unprotected sex.”
“So you made bad choices. One plus one equals condemnation in your eyes since you process things in equations and absolutes. But I see things differently. My mom marrying Samuel was a mistake, but she did it because she loved me and my sister. Me running away with Hollie was dangerous, but I did what I felt was best to protect her.” I offered him a soft smile. “Why you did the things you did is an important part of your story. You were in love with someone who didn’t love you back. You said you had a void inside you. You sought to fill that emptiness with things that would never satisfy. Well, there’s emptiness inside of me, too. A loneliness. Only it disappears when I’m with you.” I stared deeply into his aquamarine eyes willing him to understand. “Stop beating yourself up about the past. You’ve learned from it. Move on. It’s not an end. It’s only the beginning of something beautiful if you give the girl who’s always wanted you a chance to fill that void inside of you.”
“There’s no resisting you, Fanny. You’re an incredible woman. Turning this completely around, so that instead of me apologizing, you’re comforting me, and not just comforting me but making me almost believe that I can be worthy of you.”
“No believing about it.” I brought my hands to his handsome face and framed it. “You are.”
“On that you’ll have to believe for both of us. Your faith in me is what truly matters.”
I wasn’t so sure about that. Didn’t he need to believe in himself to fully give all of himself, all that was inside his heart to me? But I let it slide for now. We were here. I was where I wanted to be. Where he wanted me to be.
“So moving forward?” Eyes searching mine, he covered my hands with his own, removed them from his face, gathered them together in his warm strong grip and placed them between us. “A relationship. Full emotional and physical connection. Is that offer still on the table?”
“Yes, of course it is.”
“Good. Because I want that. I want it all. No closed doors between us anymore.”
“I want that, too.”
“But there have to be some boundaries, Fanny. Your safety is and always will be a priority to me.”
“I understand. Yours is to me, too. I didn’t mean…”
“I know you didn’t. Not exactly. But trust goes two ways, right?” He pulled in a breath. “I got retested. You remember the day Linc stayed in the apartment?”
I nodded. He had been gone a long time. I had missed him.
“Well, I wanted to see what my titers were. If they were still as favorable as the last time I got checked. They are. The virus is undetectable in my blood. The risk of spreading it through intercourse is so low right now that it’s practically not even quantifiable. But for me that’s still not good enough. We’ll have to use a condom. Latex. The virus can’t pass through it.”
“That’s good news about your results. I wouldn’t know what it all really means.” Only that I wanted him. Maybe I had made it too simple. Possibly he had made it too complex. So here we were in the middle but no longer in limbo. “Thank you for explaining.”
“I want to share everything we can, Fanny. I want you. I want you in my bed. Starting right now and then the next day and the one after that. I don’t want to wait anymore. Last night when I realized that’s what you had in mind, what you had wanted too, well it only made me more miserable to have that closed door between us. So I called my doctor on the way up to LA. I talked to him about you and me and us moving forward. He told me you would have no risk at all of contracting the virus if I use a latex condom properly, which I plan to, and if you take the medication he prescribed for when we have intercourse. But I don’t want you to just take my word for it. I want you to talk to him yourself. Dr. Landry. His cell number is programed into the phone up here. I’m going to leave you now. Give you some privacy to call him if you want to. I already signed a release and told him you might. I also got the prescription filled for you just in case. If you want to take it after talking to him, it’s right here.” He released my hands and reached into his jacket pocket. He pressed a small bottle in my hand. “It might not be the most romantic proposal you’ve ever received.” His expression was wry, but this was Ash. He was gorgeous and his ocean blue eyes sparkled with sincerity. “But this is me wanting you right back, gypsy rose. It’s me needing you and caring for you. Me being real. And me taking care of you the best way I know how.”
Chapter Forty-One
Ashland
“One of the hardest things I ever did,” I confessed to Linc when he intercepted me as I came down from the roof.
“She’ll call him.” Earlier I had shared my plan with him. “Then she’ll come to you.”
“No doubt about it.” Simone nodded confidently. Apparently Linc had filled her in on my intentions. No surprise given how tight knit our circle was.
“I told her everything,” I explained, noticing everyone was listening in now including Hollie. “About me. About my past. My status and how that might affect us as a couple. I told her to talk to the infectious disease doctor who’s in charge of my care if she wants to. But I want it to be her choice. Where we go from here.” I was out of the persuasive coercion business. I wanted Fanny of her own free will. Nothing or no one I had ever wanted more, not even the man in front of me who possessed as beautiful a soul as she did.
“We’re rooting for you,” Karen said.
“Absolutely,” Ramon agreed.
I acknowledged their support with a nod, though their words hadn’t been necessary. Their actions had already proved they were firmly behind Fanny and me.
“I hope she makes the call,” Hollie said, joining the growing gathering at the base of the stairwell. She shook her head at me when I lifted my brows. “Yeah, I gave you a hard time last night. You deserved it. But that was then. This is now.” She arched a brow. “So is there anything we can do to help?”
“Get out of his wa
y.” Diesel lifted his half empty beer bottle in the air like a toast. “Out of their way. This place is only so big.” He grinned. “I hope it works out, believe it or not. So I’m heading back to my hotel now.”
“Yeah. For sure,” Ramon said. “We’re gone, too. Headed to the house.”
“We’ll be as close as the phone, so call if you need anything,” Karen added over her shoulder as Ramon steered her toward the door.
Linc and Simone echoed similar sentiments as they followed them to the foyer.
“You had better make her ridiculously happy,” Hollie said right after the door closed.
“I’ll do everything I can,” I promised.
She nodded. “I’ll be in the guest room then. I’m going to use your land line when it’s available. Call the attorney. Let him know I’m ready to proceed. Fanny phoned Samuel earlier. I think he threatened her. I want to give Hart a heads up about that. See that he handles all further communication. My agent wants Fanny and me to do a press conference ASAP so we can take control of the narrative.”
“Sounds like a sound plan and good advice.” I watched her move away, staring at the closed door a moment then telling myself not to worry. The world outside Fanny and me, outside my penthouse wasn’t going to stop turning just because it felt like all that should matter was what was going on inside it between the two of us. I knew life didn’t work that way, though I had acted as if it did before Fanny. But as Hollie had said, that was then, and this was now. The conference might need to take place soon, but soon wasn’t now. Fanny wasn’t leaving just yet. She was here with me. A few stolen moments could be an eternity, if you poured as much living into them as you could.
I turned toward the kitchen, shrugging out of my blazer and hanging it on the back of one of the barstools. I also took off my shoes and socks, sliding them under the same chair, then loosened a few more buttons on my shirt on the way into the kitchen. Since I couldn’t go up to the roof to play my drums, I was going to lay out my practice pad on the table and have a beer, if there were any left after Diesel had been in the apartment all day. I opened the refrigerator and discovered that I was in luck. I grabbed the last bottle, folded the empty cardboard carrier flat and crossed to toss it into the recycling drawer. When I straightened and lifted my gaze I saw her. Too far away on the other side of the living room. But she was there.
I froze solid.
“Is my sister in the guest bedroom?” Fanny asked casually as if her appearance didn’t mean anything when in fact it meant everything to me.
“Yeah,” I returned nonchalantly.
“Good.” She went to the door and knocked. Hollie opened it.
“Call the lawyer,” Fanny told her passing her the cordless phone.
“I planned to.” Hollie cast a glance my way. “You and Ash spending the night together?” she asked.
“Is that a rhetorical question?”
Relief bubbling up in me, I smiled.
“You got plenty of protection?” Fanny asked, facing me once more.
My grin widened. “Yeah.”
“We’ll see.” She arched a saucy brow. “I got a water bottle from the fridge upstairs and took the pill. Your doctor was very supportive. And he thinks very highly of you. Says you’re extremely responsible.”
I shrugged.
“He told me you’ve been abstinent since the initial tests were run to make the diagnosis.”
“Yeah,” I confirmed.
“So you and Renee?”
“I didn’t want her that way anymore. Not after I met you.”
“That process you mentioned?” She shook her head. “A whole lot or maybe not a lot has happened since then depending on your perspective, I guess.”
“I’ve been hung up on you quite a while, Fanny Bay.”
“Ash,” she sighed. I loved when she said my name that way, as if in awe, as if I was the answer to every question. She crossed the apartment, her steps quick and her path to me direct. If it had been up to her, if I had just shown up, I think the path to us might have started at that coffeehouse that day.
“What are you thinking?” She asked, taking my forgotten beer from my hands and setting it aside. I grabbed her and drew her into my arms. My hands gliding low to the subtle curve of her hips, I told her the truth. “You. Fanny. I’m thinking about you. I’m nearly always thinking about you.”
“Thinking or preparing for action?”
“Truthfully? Both. Mostly the latter.”
“Oh-my-gosh, Ash.”
Yeah,” I agreed. “Been waiting a while. I’m going to devour you.” I bent and hefted her into my arms. She gasped. Headed to my bedroom, I strode there fast with a definite purpose in mind. Entering it, I adjusted my hold of her to slam the door closed, then moved inside and set her down at the foot of my bed. That was when I realized I had the best friends in the entire world. I mean I suspected before, ok I knew. But this made it official in a spectacular kind of way. The candles were only the battery kind, sure, but they flickered romantically, and those wonderful friends of mine had placed them all over the fucking room.
“Pretty certain I was a sure thing, huh?”
“I didn’t do it. Honest.” I slid my hands up her arms, along her shoulders and framed her pretty face. “My friends. Our friends,” I corrected. “They’re all eternal optimists.”
“Oh my,” she said, the wonder in her tone mirroring mine. “I love them.”
“So do I, little one.” I dipped my head and lowered my mouth to hers. “So do I.” Her lips. They were so soft. So warm. I brushed mine across them, turned her head gently, re-angled and kissed her again. Softer then deeper, I coaxed her lips apart, sliding my tongue inside and enjoying her taste and the way her fingers urgently flexed on my forearms.
“Ash,” she mewed against my lips when I lightened up my ravenous assault on hers. Only because I needed a breath. I was going in again, deeper, harder, longer.
“I’m not kidding about the devouring. Is there a problem?” I lifted my head a fraction of an inch.
“Yes.”
“Ok. Tell me. I want you to tell me everything. What you like. How it feels.” I searched her smoky gaze flickering with an elicit fire. “Whatever. However. You’re mine. And I’m yours. No embarrassment. Understand that your pleasure increases mine.”
“Yeah?” She smiled slowly. “Well that goes both ways in case you didn’t know. I was just going to tell you that I’m already totally and completely turned on. And you have too many clothes on.”
I grinned and yanked the tails of my dress shirt from my pants. “Get naked, little one.” I reached for the buckle on my belt. “Fast,” I snapped watching her remove her top with heated eyes. “If you’re too slow…”
She yelped when I smacked her ass. “You wouldn’t?” she whispered. Her purple high-tops thrown aside, she was already shimmying out of her yoga pants.
“I might. You better hurry.”
I didn’t really mind that it took her more time than me to undress. Fanny, nude? Yeah, I wanted to have time to savor every inch of her. So pretty her cap of ruby hair, her pretty features, big grey eyes full of passion, her lips swollen from my kisses, but I passed over them for now. Her slim shoulders. So graceful. Delicate. And her tits. I stroked my cock. Soon. Soon. I was going to climb up over her, pump and spill my seed all over them. That was something I had definitely imagined doing. But for now, I sent my greedy gaze lower. Her tiny waist I could span with both my hands. Slender shapely legs. I wanted them wrapped around me, her beautiful tits bouncing as I pounded my cock inside her.
I groaned, reached for her and drew her toward me. Sitting on the bed, I pulled her onto my lap, draping her legs over the side of mine, lowered my head and fastened my mouth to hers, sharing between deep thrusts of my tongue all that I had just imagined and wanted to do to her.
“Ash, yes. Please. Do them. Do them all.”
So, I set out to do just that. Why deny her? Why deny myself?
I spanne
d her waist. I lifted her gloriously naked body, twisted at my own waist and tossed her into the center of the bed behind me. I didn’t waste any time covering her nakedness with my own. A press of my weight to hers, smooth and creamy curves to rough and hard contours. Then I came up on my hands and scooted down her body. I had seen something decadent glistening on her inner thighs.
“Ash,” she gasped, coming up on her elbows as I lowered my head, put my mouth on her skin, licking and lapping the honeyed essence I found. “Oh my gosh.” Her thighs quivered in my firm grip.
“Lay back, I growled, my lids heavy from the pleasure of her taste. “Tits next.”
“Yes.” She threw herself back and cupped her hands around them, lifting them for me like I’d had her do before, only this time I didn’t hesitate to partake. I licked, then suckled the pink-tip of one perfect globe. Gliding my mouth over to the other, I licked a wide then a contracted circle, sucking on the tight nipple inside my mouth while twisting and tugging with my fingers the elongated dusky perfection of the one I’d abandoned.
Her lush lips parted. She was panting now.
Fucking gorgeous.
I climbed up and tasted her mouth again. Thrust my tongue deep a couple of times before I nipped her lips. Scraping them with the edge of my teeth, I then soothed the sting with a sweep of my tongue.
“I’m going to come, Ash,” she warned against my lips. Her legs moved restlessly. “Get that condom properly applied on that incredible cock of yours. I want to feel it. Feel you. Come with you inside of me.”
I was already off her, my arm outstretched. My hand slapped at the stack of foil packets on the nightstand. I was shaking so badly I barely managed to snag one. I returned to her, shoved my knee up between her thighs spreading them wider and positioned myself. Kneeling before her, I brought the packet to her lips. She tore it open with a firm snap of her teeth and sideways ripping motion of her head.
Oceanside Page 28