Her Fear

by Shelley Shepard Gray

  Esther looked down at her hands. “Ever since I realized that everyone didn’t live the way we do, I’ve wished that things here were better. I wished I had my own room, that each of us had our own room. That we had enough food and money. But now I’m starting to realize that I should’ve been counting my blessings. Your parents sound very mean.”

  Sadie shivered . . . remembering how scared and alone she’d felt the times she was locked in her room. “They were harsh with me, that is true.” She shook her head. “Now that I’ve gotten away from them, I think they should feel ashamed. I hope that I never treat a stranger with such unkindness, let alone my own flesh and blood.”

  “You won’t. I’m sure you’ll be a caring and sweet mother to your baby.”

  “I hope so.” She swallowed. “I hope your father and Willis won’t make me go if they show up.”

  “I don’t think they will. I don’t think Daed likes your parents all that much. We’ll tell Monroe and Dawdi about your note.”

  Sadie gulped but nodded. “I hope you’re right. I know my being here is hard on y’all, but I don’t want to go back to my parents.”

  “Or to Harlan?” Esther asked.

  “Definitely not him.”

  “Are you sure about that?”

  “I’m positive. I told you, he lied about me.”

  “I know. But . . . he’s the father of your babe. And when it’s born, well, what are you going to do then?”

  The words floated around her, sank in, and then drilled deep into her heart. Making her realize two things. One was that she’d been acting like a child herself. She’d been holding her grief and hurt and fear so close to herself that she hadn’t given more than a passing thought to what her life would be like after the baby came.

  With a start, she realized she’d just assumed that she’d continue to live with the Stauffers.

  But where? On a cot in the kitchen? Is that really how she intended to take care of this baby? And how had she planned to take care of it and all its needs?

  Had she really expected Esther and her family to provide for her for the next year?

  With some dismay, Sadie supposed that she had. Her mouth suddenly felt like cotton. “I’m not sure what I’m going to do,” she said at last. “I’m embarrassed to admit this, but I think I’ve been so focused on how my family hurt and disappointed me, as well as Harlan, that I haven’t given a lot of thought to the future. But I will.”

  Esther’s posture didn’t change. No, she seemed just as tense as she had been before broaching the question of what Sadie was going to do.

  “Esther, what is really the matter? Are you worried about my future . . . or yours?”

  Esther paled, then abruptly got to her feet. “Haven’t you realized anything yet? Each person’s decisions and activities affect everyone else’s in this house. Whether we want to be or not, our lives are delicately intertwined. We need to get you out of this house, Sadie, before your parents come. And before the baby arrives.”

  She rushed back inside.

  Sadie stayed where she was. Esther obviously needed some time to herself. And she needed a few minutes to think about what had just been said.

  Because though they’d been talking about her and her baby, she was now more certain than ever that they’d been talking about something so much more.

  Esther was afraid.

  Chapter 21

  July 28

  Stephen felt vaguely like he was playing hooky from his life. Maybe he was. After pulling out some money from a box he kept hidden underneath a drawer, he’d called for a driver to pick him up at nine in the morning at Daisy’s house.

  Only then did he walk into the kitchen and tell his father, Sadie, Monroe, and Esther that he was going to be gone for the day. That he was taking Daisy Lapp to Mammoth Cave.

  The four of them had stared at him in shock. He didn’t blame them, he was still surprised at himself. But then he simply walked out the door.

  He probably should’ve talked to his children about it. They were grown, it was true. But they had loved their mother dearly. He owed it to them to at least try to explain his relationship with Daisy.

  If he could ever figure out how to explain it.

  Maybe that was the problem. Maybe he didn’t want to analyze what was happening between them. If he did, the day would seem less special. Less . . . well, less magical, he guessed, though he’d never been one to believe in magic. All he did know was that this day felt so good, like such a relief, that he didn’t want anything to ruin it, not even his children’s curiosity.

  It was barely a thirty-minute walk, but it might as well have been thirty miles away, her home was so different than his own.

  Daisy’s house had been her parents’ and grandparents’. After her eldest brother died suddenly, she’d inherited it. Her younger brother had jumped the fence and was no longer Amish.

  Though she lived alone and the house was rather big, she didn’t seem to have any problem keeping up with it. The garden was well tended and the flower beds were neatly cared for, with not a weed in sight.

  She had a lovely wide front porch that spanned both the side and the front of the house.

  When Stephen walked up, she invited him in for a glass of lemonade while they waited for the driver.

  Once again, he felt the care she’d brought to the house gleamed in every room. Furniture was well dusted, and lemon oil and Pine-Sol scented the air. It smelled fresh and clean and pure.

  Three things he never associated with his own home.

  “Are you looking forward to going to Mammoth Cave as much as I am?” she asked as she led the way into the kitchen.

  “Yes.” He smiled at her, liking how she’d put on a marigold-colored dress for the occasion. The bright color made her brown eyes shine. Or maybe it was her happiness . . . and how her kitchen shimmered.

  “I’m also fairly amazed at your house.”

  “Oh?”

  “It’s sparkling clean. Outside and in.”

  “Oh!” She laughed. “I cleaned all morning for you.”

  “There was no need for that. You should have been resting.”

  “I keep a clean house, so there wasn’t much to do. I also asked a neighbor girl to come over and help me.”

  “I’m glad about that.” Unbidden, a memory, long forgotten, hit him hard. He remembered Jean looking exhausted when Monroe was a toddler and she was expecting Esther. He hadn’t been around and his mother had expected Jean to cook and clean for all of them. One evening, after his wife had practically collapsed in their bed, she’d whispered that she needed help.

  He’d known it.

  But he’d been too afraid of how his parents would react to make any changes. Instead, he’d given her a gruff response and rolled over, pretended to go to sleep. What he really did, however, was listen to her try not to cry.

  He’d lain in bed wide awake for hours that night, trying to figure out a way to change their life. Change their living situation. Their financial situation. Their marriage. But try as he might, he couldn’t think of a single thing. So he let her continue doing too much while he pretended not to notice.

  And he was still ashamed about that.

  “Stephen?”

  He started. Daisy was staring at him, concern etched in her eyes. “Sorry. My mind was drifting. I guess I didn’t get enough sleep last night.”

  “Oh?” She shifted, unease showing in her actions. “You know, if you’d like to postpone our trip we can.”

  “I don’t.” He smiled, hoping to reassure her. “I’m sorry. Don’t mind me. Now, I think the driver is coming in ten minutes. Do you need any help getting ready?”

  Picking up her purse, she shook her head. “Nee. I’m good. I don’t think I need anything more at all.”

  IT TURNED OUT that Daisy loved Mammoth Cave. Her eyes lit up at the crowds of tourists, at the fancy hotel nearby, at the number of choices of tours they could take.

  She’d walked right up onto the c
onverted school bus they had to take to reach their tour’s entrance. And she smiled at the park ranger and listened when he explained the park’s history.

  None of those things were Stephen’s usual type of activities. He was a simple man, used to working in silence in a cellar and making deliveries under a cloud of secrecy. Because of all that, he had a natural aversion to both crowds and any men or women in uniform.

  But every time he felt that unease return, he focused on Daisy and her smile. Focused on how she never shied away from people’s curious stares when they took in her kapp or clothes.

  Actually, she seemed to embrace their curiosity. She spoke to people about being Amish and even laughed when a little girl wanted to touch her apron.

  Watching her smiles and easy nature made everything seem brighter. Both their surroundings and his future.

  Now he was trailing behind her as she wandered around the gift shop. His former self would have pointed out that neither of them had use for T-shirts or sweatshirts emblazoned with Mammoth Cave on them. He would have complained about the crowds.

  Instead, he kept his peace—and even found himself watching with amusement as she bought a coffee mug with See Mammoth Cave printed on the side, two postcards, and an expensive hardcover book listing fifty other National Parks to visit.

  In fact, the only time he intruded on her shopping was when he noticed the time.

  “We need to finish up, Daisy. Our driver will be arriving soon.”

  She held up her sack. “I’m all done. We can walk outside now.”

  Gallantly, he took the sack from her. “Are you feeling all right? Do you need a bottle of water before we leave?”

  “I’m fine, but it’s probably a gut idea to be prepared.”

  “Let’s go to the snack bar, then.”

  After finding her a chair, he got water bottles and granola bars in case they got hungry. They’d eaten sandwiches and ice cream when they arrived, but that had been hours ago.

  “Here ya go.”

  Her eyes sparkled. “You worried that I’ll get hungry during our drive back?”

  “Maybe.” That was part of the reason. The other was that he didn’t want anything to mar one of the best days he’d ever had in his life.

  After taking a sip of water, she walked by his side to the agreed-upon waiting area. Five minutes later their driver arrived.

  And then they were on their way.

  “How was it?” the driver asked. “I’ve always wanted to go but never have.”

  “It was wonderful,” Daisy said. “Dark and beautiful and blissfully cool.”

  “It’s hot as July out here,” the driver joked. “I should have gone in, too.”

  Stephen’s former self would have complained about the prices, or how they had plenty of caves closer to their town. Instead, he smiled at Daisy as he replied to the driver, “You should put it on your to-do list, then. It was a good day.”

  “I’ll do that.”

  As the driver entered the highway and focused on the road, Daisy looked at him. “You are serious, aren’t you?”

  “About today? Jah. I’m glad we did this. I’m even more glad you came with me.”

  Lowering her voice, she gazed at him longer. “Please don’t take this the wrong way, but you seem different.”

  “That’s probably because I feel different,” he answered. He felt clean and untainted by both his life and the choices he’d made.

  He was also feeling something when they were deep in the cavern—and that was hope. He’d gotten a glimpse of what his life could be like if he completely pulled away from his family and what they were doing.

  He began to see, there in the dark, that he had options. Even at his age he could make a new path. It might involve some darkness and maybe even some scary moments, but if he pressed on and didn’t give up, he had the chance of uncovering something beautiful and previously unimagined.

  It was a reaffirmation that everything was better with hope and faith.

  Daisy stared at him, obviously waiting for him to continue. But when he didn’t, she simply nodded and looked out the window.

  Allowing him to slowly relax . . .

  And to wonder if he’d ever have the words to describe the transformation that was taking place inside him.

  Chapter 22

  Monday, July 30

  Why are you here, Noah? I canna think we have anything to say to each other,” Sadie announced after Esther practically shoved her toward the front door when he arrived.

  She braced herself, half expecting some throwaway joke about him being in the neighborhood. Instead, he shoved his hands in his pockets and shifted awkwardly.

  “I don’t blame you for thinking that,” Noah said at last. “The other time we saw each other, I didn’t behave very well.”

  He’d stared at her like she was a stranger, which made her feel more awkward than she already did. So, no, he hadn’t behaved well, at least not toward her.

  But had she really expected him to react much differently? Not really. There was a reason why she had kept her pregnancy a secret, and it was because she feared a reaction like his.

  Now she just wanted to keep her distance from him. “That doesn’t answer my question.”

  He blinked. Flushed. “No, I suppose it doesn’t. Does it?”

  “You’re letting flies in, girl!” Willis called out. “Bring the man in or take him outside.”

  Knowing there was really only one choice, Sadie stepped forward and shut the door behind her.

  Noah smiled.

  She inwardly groaned. Now they were standing far too close, and everything she’d been trying to ignore about him was much too apparent. Noah smelled like soap and shampoo and fresh laundry. Even though it was over ninety degrees out, he looked cool and comfortable.

  He was also patiently watching her examine him.

  This was awful!

  Noah gestured toward a winding path near the barn. “Do you want to go for a walk or something?”

  It was so very warm and the humidity so thick, for once the saying about cutting it with a butter knife didn’t seem like an exaggeration.

  So, no, she didn’t want to go for a walk. But she wanted him standing on the front porch with Willis watching from the window even less.

  “We can go for a walk, if you want.”

  His eyes lit up, like he was tempted to say something but kept that to himself. “Danke,” he said simply. Then held out a hand so she could take his help when she walked down the stairs.

  She didn’t need his help; didn’t especially want to take his hand. But her body had suddenly decided to shift and change this week. She now had a small rounded tummy. Her hips felt a little wider, too. Though she was barefoot, and steady on her feet, going down stairs was a little less easy.

  When she put her hand in his, he clasped it like it was made of spun glass and helped her down the three narrow steps.

  He seemed content to hold her hand when they got to solid ground, too.

  But she took care of that and pulled away. Folded her hands in front of her stomach just to make sure he didn’t get any ideas about reaching for them again.

  He pointed to a well-worn dirt path just beyond the barn. “That trail looks like a good one, and well used. Do you walk on it a lot? Where does it lead to?”

  “I’ve only been on it a time or two. It leads to an Amish schoolhouse and a couple of other farms that are nearby.”

  “Should we walk toward the schoolhouse, then?”

  “It doesn’t matter to me.” Tired of whatever game he was playing, she blurted, “Noah, we can take a short walk, but I want to know why you are here. You still haven’t told me.”

  “I guess it’s fairly obvious that I’m procrastinating.”

  “About what?”

  “I feel like I’ve got about a dozen questions and comments floating around my head. I’m scared to death I’m going to open my mouth and the wrong thing is going to slip out.”

 
“Why don’t you give it a try?”

  “All right.” He exhaled. “Try as I might, I canna figure out how you are here, without your family, without your man, and hiding a pregnancy.” He winced. “See what I mean? It’s too much. I’m sorry . . .”

  He looked so appalled, she almost laughed. Almost! That took her by surprise. “You know, I had made up my mind to not tell you anything.”

  “Because I hurt your feelings?”

  “Because my body and my situation ain’t any of your concern.”

  “You can still keep me away. I’ll be disappointed, but I’ll understand.”

  Keep him away. For some reason that turn of phrase made her want to listen to what he had to say. “Why will you be disappointed? Are you really that interested in some new pregnant girl in town?”

  “Nee.”

  Well, that was what she got for pushing him, wasn’t it? She’d asked him for honesty and now she got it. In spades. “All right, then.”

  His lips curved up. “I have something more to say if you want to hear it.” She nodded. “What I’m trying to tell you is that I’m not interested in just any pregnant woman. I’m interested in you, Sadie.”

  “Oh.”

  “Yeah. Oh.” He pointed to the trail that was really no more than a narrow passage of tamped-down prairie grass. “Do you still want to go for a walk?”

  She felt so flustered and embarrassed, she didn’t trust her voice. So instead of answering, she started walking. A handful of bugs set up a little alarm, and a couple even sprung out and flew in front of her face. She waved them off.

  As they walked on, every few feet brought more growth and shade. The added coolness and comfort seemed to temper her emotions. Finally, after another five minutes, she was ready to tell him her story. “I had a boyfriend back in Millersburg. His name is Harlan.”

  “Had?”

  “Jah.” Though she’d told this story before, it didn’t get any easier. Mainly because she now felt like she had to prepare herself to be ignored or called a liar. Feeling like every word was being pulled out of her, she continued. “Harlan was a favorite of my father’s. He is handsome, well-spoken, very dutiful, and devout.”