by Chelle Bliss
I stared into his eyes, studying him.
“I flew here to surprise my boyfriend, but when I got to his place, he was in bed with another woman.” I downed the drink and set the glass down in front of me.
“That’s horrible. How could he cheat on an amazing creature such as you?” he asked.
I rolled my eyes. He’d done this before. I didn’t give a shit at that moment. I needed to share my story, let out my anger. “I guess I wasn’t enough for him. I should have known he was a whore and wouldn’t change his ways. I’m a fucking fool.” The tears began to stream down my face once again. I grabbed the martini and gulped it. The liquor warmed my body. My legs grew numb, and my mind became a jumbled mess.
He reached for my cheek and wiped away a tear with his thumb. “He’s the fool. I would love for a woman to fly to see me, someone who loved me enough to travel a great distance for my company.”
I leaned into his palm—needing the physical connection. I closed my eyes, and images of Kayden flooded the darkness. We’d spent time in this bar—kissing, touching, laughing, and drinking.
“Another drink?” he asked.
My eyes flew open, and the happy memories evaporated. I reached into my purse and looked at my phone. I’d missed a dozen phone calls and more texts from Kayden. I turned it off, putting it back in my purse.
The handsome gentleman kept the drinks flowing, and numbness was soon filling my entire body and soul. Everything around me moved in slow motion. Staring in the mirror behind the bar, I tried bringing my face into focus, but I couldn’t make out any of my features.
A hand covered mine to bring my attention back to my surroundings.
I turned to the gentleman and pleaded, “Kiss me, make me forget.”
He turned my chair toward his, placing his hand on my neck. He paused for a moment, staring into my eyes—I didn’t speak.
His lips touched mine, hard and wet. I thought it would help me forget, but my mind played a private movie of Kayden and his kiss. I craved him. He intoxicated me. This kiss made me feel nothing but an emptiness that couldn’t be filled. This was wrong.
“What the fuck are you doing?” a man screamed.
The body of the stranger lurched away from mine, and my eyes flew open. I tried to focus, but just keeping them open was a struggle. The handsome gentleman was falling to the floor, and someone was moving on top of him. He looked like Kayden, but I had to be seeing things.
The businessman was being pummeled, and I couldn’t do anything but watch. My head felt heavy as I placed it on the bar and tried to stop the room from spinning until darkness consumed me.
24
Kayden
Misunderstandings
Someone was shaking me. “Dude, get the fuck up.”
My stomach turned with the motion and the liquor sloshing around in my stomach. “Leave me the fuck alone. Go away.”
“Fucker, Sophia was just here. She ran out.”
Sophia. My heart pounded in my chest, increasing the feeling of nausea that overcame my body. Someone’s body was wrapped around mine, and it wasn’t Sophia.
“What the fuck?” I sat up quickly, throwing her legs off of mine.
“What the fuck are you doing here and in my bed?” I asked her.
“Tom called me. He thought you needed to talk to someone. You were passed out when I got here, and I thought I would sleep until you woke up,” she said.
I felt like my world was ending. Everything unraveled while I lay here passed out. “Are you fucking crazy? That’s not okay. You can’t just crawl in my bed…ever. Fuck.” I shook my head painfully.
“Where’s Sophia?” I asked, panic lacing my voice.
I called her phone, but there was no answer. She wouldn’t pick up the phone. I learned that once about Sophia. I needed to find her. New Orleans was the type of city that could swallow a girl like her.
“I don’t know. I saw her jump in a cab,” Tom said.
“Which cab? Maybe I can find out where they took her.”
I couldn’t believe my eyes. A man had his lips on Sophia, my Sophia. My body moved on its own, and I was unable to stop myself. I grabbed the man and threw him to the floor. My fist connected with his face, crunching the bones. Blood splattered on my hand and arms as I wailed on him, unable to stop.
I didn’t look at Sophia as I beat this asshole to a pulp. I needed to destroy him as he had destroyed me, taking what was mine. Hands wrapped around me, pulling me off of him, but my arms continued to swing.
The man wiped the blood away from his face as he began to stand. “Dude, what the fuck?”
“What the fuck, asshole? You’re kissing my girlfriend with your hands all over her, and you’re asking me what the fuck,” I said, ready to beat him again.
“She asked me to,” he said with a smirk on his face, wiping the last bit of blood with the back of his hand.
“Just leave, take the girl, and get out of here,” the bar employee said.
I walked over to Sophia, her head resting on the bar. I scooped her into my arms as her head fell back, mouth falling open. She looked a wreck, and I’d been the sole cause. I carried her to the car and brought her home to my bed.
I couldn’t crawl into bed with her. Anger filled me, anger with myself and directed at her too. The good-girl quality of Sophia had drawn me to her. What she did tonight didn’t fit with her nature. I sat in a chair in the corner of the room and watched her as she slept. I prayed she would understand and forgive me. I had driven her into the stranger’s arms. I sat there all night, watching, waiting.
Morning light streamed through the window as I rested my elbows on my legs and placed my head in my palms. I sensed movement from the bed.
Looking up, I saw Sophia blinking, trying to clear her eyes. She stared at me but didn’t say a word. I couldn’t hold my tongue any longer. I needed to know and needed to move on. I needed us.
“What the fuck were you thinking?” I asked, my voice seething in anger.
“I could ask you the same thing,” she spat back.
“I find you in a bar, drunk, kissing a stranger, and his hands are all over you! You weren’t struggling to get away but seemed to be enjoying yourself.”
“Am I supposed to feel sorry for you, Kayden? I fucking don’t. I walked in yesterday to find you not alone. So don’t give me some bullshit about kissing a stranger,” she said, sitting up straighter.
“Nothing happened with her and me. I was already passed out when she got here, and she crawled in my bed on her own. I never even woke up until after you left, and the guys woke me up. They called her to come over, not me, thinking I needed someone to talk to. She’s a friend and only a friend. I did nothing wrong, Sophia. I didn’t touch her, let alone place my lips on hers,” I said, sadness filling me with the image of Sophia kissing another man.
“I don’t believe you! I saw your tangled bodies, naked in this very bed.”
“I told you already. I was passed out and never even knew she was here. Does she want me? Yes. Do I want her? Fuck no,” I yelled. “Nothing happened between us, but I clearly saw your lips on another man. You ripped my heart out. I never thought you would do that, Sophia.”
A knock sounded at the door, but we kept our eyes locked on each other.
“What?”
“Can I come in?” Tom asked.
“What the fuck?” she said, throwing her hands in the air.
The door opened slowly, and he entered the room, looking around and gulping loudly.
“Sophia, I need to explain,” Tom spoke to her, approaching the bed.
“Save it, Tom. I know what I saw,” she said to him, keeping her eyes pointed at me.
“I know what you think you saw, but it’s not what happened. Kayden never woke up. He has been passed out most of the week. The only time he was up was to find his next drink. I called her to talk to him. We all work together, and they’ve been friends for years. I thought she could get through to him. I didn’t know that
she would end up falling asleep in his bed,” Tom stated.
“You really think I’m going to believe that?”
“It’s the truth. I was trying to get him on track, for you, Sophia. I never thought she’d take advantage of the situation. When I arrived home from work, Kayden was already passed out cold. She showed up and went into his room. He didn’t do anything with her. He loves you and wouldn’t cheat on you,” he pleaded with Sophia.
“Thanks for telling me, Tom. Kayden and I need to discuss last night if you don’t mind,” she said.
“I am being honest with you. He needs you, Sophia,” Tom said as he stood up and moved toward the door.
I’d remained silent while Tom spoke. My eyes never left hers, conveying hurt and anguish. She dropped her head into her hands and began to cry. I had fucked everything up.
I said nothing and didn’t move to comfort her. We both did wrong, but I needed her to speak to me first.
“I was mad at you for drinking so much and pushing me away. I hate myself for running away and into the arms of another man, but you need to know what last night did to me.” She looked up at me, into me, through me. “You’d been absent and drinking. I thought you had been drinking and fucking your way through your days and nights. I’m such a whore for kissing that man in the bar.”
“Sophia, I can’t believe you’d think that of me. I’d never. I’m sorry I allowed the alcohol to consume me, become my lifeline.”
“I’m sorry, Kayden. I don’t know what else to say,” she cried into her palms.
“Sophia,” I said, moving toward her. I sat on the bed and pulled her hands away from her face. “You thought I fucked the girl in my bed, and you were upset. I’ve been acting like a total asshole.”
“You had me out of my mind. I was so worried about you, and then I found you in bed with someone else. It was an image I just couldn’t get out of my brain.”
I wiped the tears away from her face. “I will always be faithful to you. I’m yours, and you’re mine. No matter what you think you saw, I’m not a cheater. I’m a one-woman man. I will not share you either.”
“I wasn’t thinking clearly last night after having so many drinks. I’m sorry.”
“I know what that’s like, trust me,” I said with a smile. “We’ve hurt each other, Sophia. I hurt you with my drinking and not being there, and you hurt me by allowing someone else to kiss you. If it weren’t for my behavior, you wouldn’t have allowed another man to touch you.”
“Never. I should have stayed and fought with you, for you.”
“You should have hit me or yelled…anything other than running away and into the arms of another man.”
“I’ll never do that again. I have never loved another soul deeper and harder than I love you,” she said to me.
“I love you, too, Sophia,” I said, kissing her lips. I undressed and crawled under the covers with her. I needed to feel her skin against mine.
I’d never been so utterly in love with a person. I wanted her, and more importantly, I needed her. I felt that the bottle was my only friend, holding my hand, helping me through this journey. It was easy to fall back on bad habits that had been there to console me in the past. Alone in this apartment, booze became my only friend and solace. I shut Sophia out and nearly paid the ultimate price.
I could almost touch the strain between us. Our actions had caused a crack that needed to be mended.
I kissed her with all the emotion and love I felt in my heart. I needed to be inside her, remind her of my love. I made love to Sophia, face-to-face. I looked into her big brown eyes and never looked away. I needed the connection with her. She was mine, and I was hers.
We spent most of Saturday inside holding each other and made love once.
“Please, promise me you won’t drink like that again, Kayden,” she asked in a pleading voice.
“I’m sorry,” I responded. I didn’t know if I could hold true to a promise like that, and all I could do was apologize.
“You scared me. I’ve missed you the past week. I don’t think I could do that again,” she said sternly.
“I used to have a drinking problem and sought help after my arrest, but I have it under control.”
“I had no idea,” she said sadly.
“That’s because I never mentioned it. I don’t usually say, ‘Hey, I’m Kayden, and I’m an alcoholic.’ I had it under control. I don’t usually drink so much… I’m just so depressed about not working. My life is falling apart,” I replied with sorrow in my voice. Sophia was my one bright spot, but I couldn’t focus on her, and the darkness was outweighing the light.
“Please try not to drink…for me. Be constructive. You’ve spent days drunk and passed out. You should have been using that time to fight. Promise me, Kayden. Your life isn’t falling apart. I’m still here. Don’t forget about me,” she said harshly.
25
Sophia
I wouldn’t say he currently had anything under control. Control was a word addicts used when they still abused their drug of choice. The addiction usually controlled the person, not the other way around. I would say, this last week, his addiction, namely vodka, had controlled him.
“I’m sorry, and I promise to do better. I never want to upset you,” he said, staring into my eyes before kissing me on the cheek.
I understood that he felt sad and that he loved his job, but instead of drinking himself into oblivion, he should’ve been making phone calls and figuring out his next step. If there was no hope, as he assumed, then he needed to decide what to do next. Please let it involve me.
Exhaustion painted his face. The weight of the world was on his shoulders, but I wanted him to know he wasn’t alone. I would be there for him and help him in any way I could. The weekend passed quickly, and I needed to go home to return to work.
I had been so scared and helpless while I was away from him. If he was drunk and passed out, he would not be able to make decisions about his future or look for alternate employment. I wanted him in my life, but I did not sign up for a relationship with vodka. I would not give up on him. He needed to understand the depths of my sadness and worry.
He squeezed me tightly, and I got out of bed to pack my suitcase. My heart told me everything would be all right, but my mind knew better. I knew this wasn’t the end of his struggle with alcohol. I knew a decision would have to be made. Did I stay and be his rock, or did I run and cause him to spiral even further?
At the airport, we kissed good-bye. Tears streamed down my face, and I could barely breathe. I felt like my world was ending as I hugged him, unable to let go. I inhaled him. He smelled like the man who I had always smelled before, instead of the stale vodka scent that lingered on his skin yesterday.
I cried walking through security.
I’d miss him. More importantly, I was scared—scared that the drinking would cause our relationship to fall apart.
This was the point where most people would walk away. Where someone would say run, but I couldn’t do that. I believed he could be fixed. That my love could change him, heal him, and make everything okay. I wouldn’t give up on that possibility, and I wouldn’t give up on Kayden now.
26
Kayden
I hadn’t been entirely truthful with Sophia in the beginning. I had a drinking problem. Up until about two years ago, my life had been filled with addiction to alcohol or drugs. The aftermath with Lisa caused me to gain control. It was not out of want, though. It was out of necessity. Sophia only knew a small snippet of my past.
My life had spiraled out of control for many years, but one positive thing that occurred because of my arrest was that I gained control of my drinking…until now.
I had nowhere else to turn after my arrest. I couldn’t go home to my parents, and I had no means to support myself. I lost my job because I didn’t show up the next day. I went to a homeless shelter run by the Salvation Army and lived in their communal housing where I was required to attend alcoholism counseling and w
ork in their store. I had to take a real look at my life and what actions led to my ending up at their facility. The alcohol had caused so many problems throughout my life. It was my kryptonite. I had to stop it from ruling my life, and I had been successful until now.
I would eventually share all of the gory details with Sophia. I had to. I needed to. I had to wait for a time when I had control over my life. She was the only beacon of hope in my life. I would try to stay sober for her—try to be the better man she deserved.
I felt my world falling apart as she walked through security at the airport. I reassured her that everything would be okay, even though I didn’t believe any of it.
What was I without a job?
Who was I?
I had lost my center and my reason for being, besides Sophia. I loved my work, and it helped keep my mind occupied when we weren’t together.
What would I do without her here? The bottle would be my only friend nearby. I needed her with me, my moral compass. She deserved so much better than me, but I couldn’t give her up. Ever.
I walked out of the airport and through the parking garage until I found my truck. Climbing inside, I closed the door, and I could still smell her perfume in the air. She was gone, and I was alone, again. I needed a fucking drink.
I was a complete and utter fucking mess.
27
Sophia
Broken Promises
Kayden said there were things I didn’t know about him. I never thought alcoholism would be one. The signs were there. He always had a drink in his hand, and there was never a day totally alcohol-free when we were together. I always ended up drunk or buzzed, while he remained unfazed.
I loved Kayden, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit my emotions were mixed with the knowledge of his alcohol abuse. How could I walk away from him? I could not even go a night without talking to him. When he was clean and working, I adored the man. How did I not know this about him?